To be so disappointed in myself for being so awkward

[Scared1996]

I tried to go to a girls run club tonight because I want to make friends and socialise. But I’m so socially awkward I may as well have not bothered.

I got there (everyone meets outside a cafe) and everyone is already in little clicks chatting away of course but I am not the type of person who feels comfortable approaching a group of girls I don’t know because I just feel annoying and they’re already having conversations.

Anyway everyone does a stretch and then we set out for a 5k jog. I stay with a group of 3 girls so I don’t run on my own in the dark, and they’re chatting away about things and I just don’t have the confidence to butt in. Anyway we get to a traffic light and I’m slightly behind and they run quick to avoid a car and I wait at the lights. So I run about 1.5k on my own in the dark (they told everyone to make sure no one is alone).

I’m now at home just thinking about what a loser I am and how I can’t make friends, and how nice it would be to be in one of these groups. If I just socialised like normal I wouldn’t have ran on my own. I’m just so mute and annoying :(

To be fair I do have an ADHD diagnosis (so obviously my brain is going into overdrive about perceived rejection!) I’m worried I have no hope!

Oh god, this sounds just like me! Even down to the running solo in a group because no one seemed to even notice if I was with them or not! Maybe we need to start an awkward runners club!

I'd watch other newbies walk up to a group and integrate seamlessly into a conversation but I just couldn't! I make myself cringe! I've switched to a much smaller club now and it is much more friendly, sometimes I just think it's down to the club / run leaders to set the vibe.

Well done for going OP! Great start. They’ve been a bit shit for leaving you to be honest. Go back again next week and lead with “Hello again! How has your week been?” Consistency is key here.

I commend you for trying. Sometimes it takes a few gos. Some of them will have been chatting away as part of their own anxiety which can make them seem closer than they are, but then they never talk again. SIow and steady. Keep trying. Also own the awkwardness. Nothing wrong with it!

Well done for going thats amazing in itself. Try not to rush things let it happen more naturally. Next week just focus on saying hello to people and bye. Then the week after try some small talk like the weather and just keep building up every week.

Lots of good advice here.

I wanted you to know that anyone who knows me would tell you that I'm very confident and will talk to anyone. Actually, most of the time I'm terrified and questioning myself.

I really felt your OP. I would have felt exactly the same and I likely would have ended up running on my own too. It's not you, breaking into existing social groups is a terrifying prospect, even if you're not inherently shy.

Good for you for going to the group and I hope it gets better for you.

And for what it's worth, if I'd been one of the women who left you, I would be at home judging myself and not you and worrying about what I should have done differently to include you more.

You were very brave going and doing that, and they were thoughtless just leaving you. You’re not a loser, don’t say such harsh things about yourself.

@MrFluffyDogIsMyBestFriend I'm autistic and agree 100% with both of your posts. I also think that we would probably get on really well!

OP, I’m a member of a similar sort of club (not running) and we end up in similar small groups as we do the “thing”. I cannot picture a scene in which there was a new, slightly nervous woman joining the edges of our small group and I’d ignore her or not make sure she was okay and included. That’s because I’ve got social skills, unlike the socially inept women you were trying to run with. Reframe what happened - you were not socially awkward or mute - they were! I know nothing about running, or whether it’s the right social activity for you, but I do know that your instincts are better than theirs and one day it will be you extending the warm welcome to a younger woman trying to join your group.

Absolutely this!

well done for going in the first place, I often feel like you, I’m fine one on one but I can be awkward in a group setting. But the more you go the more you will recognise people and it does get easier, next week might just be a smile and nod acknowledgment at faces you remember seeing, then the week after a “hi, nice to see you again”. Slow and steady but don’t give up! You will probably also notice new faces over the weeks and might be able to say “hi, I’m new too, want to run together”

good luck

I would imagine going with some opening lines would help -

Hi! I’m {name} - last week was my first run but I don’t think we met. What’s your name?

follow up -

how long have you been coming? It seems pretty popular.

follow up -

I’ve been looking for something like this for a while, how did you get your know about it?

good luck 😊

Well done on going.

People think about others including you way less than you expect. They are too busy thinking about themselves.

OP the only difference between what you did and a socially confident person is the over analysing afterwards. I am generally confident and talk to people easily but in certain situations i dont initiate, for example i wouldn't approach a group who are catching up, like what you describe here. I wouldnt be fit enough to talk and run so I'd probably have done the same as you. The only difference is I'd come home and think ok the jog went OK but pity I didn't get to talk to anyone. I'll try to initiate more next week. And it would go right out of my head.

On the flip side if I was one of the other people I might note there was a new girl tonight, she seemed quiet enough and that's as much thought as i would give. I can guarantee you no one thinks anything negative of you and you did absolutely nothing wrong. Just promise yourself to go next week and maybe make some mindless comment about the weather as you set off and that might start a conversation. Or maybe it won't that time but keep at it, keep showing up and keep trying and it will happen.

It takes time, I went to the same Aqua class for two years before I made a friend.

OP, I'd have felt exactly the same. I was once signed up for a house-share mixer event when I was trying to find a new place to live, and I got as far as the door of the pub and then fled because I felt so anxious! So, I think you did really well to show up at all. Next time I'd recommend showing up early if you can so you have a chance to get chatting before groups have formed, and a PP's suggestion that you ask a group to look out for you is really good advice. Good luck OP! I bet it'll be better next time.

Not at all. We tend to be far more self critical and worry about things that often other people haven’t given much thought to, and it is unlikely on their radars. I over worry a lot but also put it in the context that everyone has their own stuff going on and probably aren’t dwelling on my mishaps of poor communication! I read your post and this would absolutely be me. So sending you a message to say keep that chin up, proud of you, not an easy thing to do going to anything alone…and we’re here behind you for next week 💪🏻

I want to join in and say I really do feel you. I have social anxiety too, and it genuinely makes it feel as though people don’t want to be friends with me. Like the other posters have said, you are doing all the right things. Over the course of the next few weeks, you will (fingers crossed) see some people talk to you more than others.

You are very brave for doing this OP, and by putting yourself out there, you will make new friends.

Ditto, I go to an exercise class twice a week and it took me over a year to start chatting to people. Now I feel much more like part of the group but it took me a long time to get there.

That was mean of the Group not to include you. I would’ve expected at least one person or the leader of the group to notice that you were New and take you under their wing for the first week anyway.

No no no you are not a loser at all. This is totally fine . A bit rubbish they left you but maybe didn't think. Keep going . Don't give up. I think it's great you went along and next time will be easier. It was the same when I joined the gym and now I talk to everyone including new people as I empathize with how they must feel. You can do it x

Meeting people is mostly familiarity.

I'm much like you, I hate putting myself out there, generally feel like the odd one out, am crap at starting conversations with strangers.

But I've realised that by merely existing in a space people are more likely to talk to you.

Today you were the stranger. Why would anyone get to know you, you probably won't be back.

Next week, you'll be "Oh, she came back!"

By week 3 you're a regular, people will say "Hi" just in recognition. You say Hi back

Week 4 "Bloody hell it's chilly tonight". Well done, they're talking to you about the weather, you are officially one of them.

I’d say try it one more time. We all feel awkward to varying degrees at times, you need to reframe it as that and not just being you.
Awkward is the human condition for many of us. My son’s first school was a lovely village one with one class per year. We’d just moved there and I was lonely for a friend. Most weren’t nice and chatty but it never went further as they all knew each other. Of course, the woman I did have the odd coffee with worked three days a week and was pg with her third child so didn’t have loads of time to hang about with me.
second house move to a new estate with a new school only open for a year or so and I had many new friends, the kids had party invitations, even one in their first week school .
My point is, sometimes, it’s just the group dynamics. It’s not you, it’s probably not them.
I am an ADHD person with a mischievous sense of humour so I know I am not for everyone.

They’re most likely not ‘cliques’, just people who know one another talking. Next time make sure you include yourself with one of the low-key opening lines suggested by a pp. It was poor form of the group you were running with to leave you behind, but I think it’s worth at least a couple more goes.

It sounds a hard group to break in to. Could you find an activity where people interact more in an organised way , maybe a choir or volunteering for a charity? Theres nothing wrong with you except for your habit of blaming yourself. Many people would find it hard to make friends in these circumstances where social groups are already formed and there is no culture of including everyone.

Hey OP! A different perspective - I go to an exercise class where we will loosely chat in groups while waiting to get started. None of us really know each other (I couldn't even tell you everyone's name) but it's just the way of it. A couple of weeks ago, a new person started and I was aware of them on the periphery and wanted to find a way to draw them in. I waited for cues from the person such as eye contact or a smile to give me an "in", but they were just minding themselves.

I came away from the class feeling bad afterwards because I remember being the "new" person and how intimidating it can be. I absolutely should have made an effort to step away from the group and introduce myself more proactively, but was a bit shy and awkward about doing so myself!

I bet a few people would have wanted to say hello, but been equally awkward themselves. You should definitely go back, and make sure you are open to being approached - make eye contact and smile and say "hi". If you can, even just approach someone one-on-one (or an open-looking group, although it's hard!) and use some of the introductions a PP said - "I'm quite new, can I run with you guys so I don't get left behind?", "So how long have you been coming to this group yourself? How did you find out about it?". I'd also make sure to give your name - "oh, I'm Sarah by the way!" - people will follow up with their own. Just keep doing this each week ☺️