This is very very long, sorry, but I want to include everything...if anyone can be bothered to read it, firstly well done and secondly thank you if you have any thoughts! I'm probably being unreasonable because there is no easy answer and I'm unashamedly putting this here for traffic, sorry!
Year 6 Son is autistic, possibly ADHD.
Very anxious, very bright (reading age of 15) and has done the 11+, no tutoring, said it was easy but we shall see...I really don't have any idea if he will pass. He got access arrangements but his primary didn't sort out the extra time they later realised he probably should have had. He had three different teachers in year 5 and he has struggled as we've had a very rough year as a family. So I could appeal and he might then get in somewhere but I am not sure I'd want to.
He is socially awkward, sometimes situationally mute, stims a lot, needs lots of sensory input, very clingy to me, struggles with transitions...but masks massively at school as he doesn't want to appear different and then it comes out at home, doesn't sleep well at all (melatonin only works in higher doses and sometimes only if he's had days of very late nights so he's exhausted). He's very literal with instructions. He likes routine.
But he's wonderful, funny, obsessed with dinosaurs and animals, loves science, good at maths, English, art. Very immature for his age though.
We live in a grammar school area, 25% go, we live rurally, about a mile on the outskirts of a big town in Kent. We will be moving in two years as ex is forcing me to sell the house when the fixed term mortgage is up, could move anywhere potentially. Currently goes to his grandparents before and after school but they live about a mile away from the centre of town and are going to have to move within the next few months, no idea where...plus they're getting older and it's getting to be a bit much for them.
I believe I'm autistic and possibly have ADHD, so all of this is getting on top of me as a single parent with another child at home with an EHCP and EOTAS. His dad lives in another county and has zero interest in this process apart from being an every other weekend fun dad. I'm a teacher, have been for 23 years, I love it and obviously have 'inside knowledge' but I'm still so stressed with it all..I know I don't actually have to decide until after the 16th October when we get the 11+ results but unfortunately I can't make my brain work like that, I can't switch off.
I have the following choices for schools...
School A, grammar, 1100 students but adding another form in 2027. A 45 mins bus ride away, just one bus a day so if he missed it no way of getting there, or me dropping him to somewhere on my way to work really early so he can walk the rest, about 2miles. Buses home are much more complicated. Nightmare to drive to, traffic etc, wrong side of town. Very well thought of, not superselective but does the ebacc and seems to have reduced art music drama and computing to give to English lessons in ks3. So those more fun lessons are lacking, which would give him the brain breaks he needs. Worries me that they don't support the arts. Very very hot on attendance (he's struggling with school attendance a little but he's more worried about getting into trouble so he goes) does have good support for SEND, however the send dept/breakout spaces are next to the music rooms in a porta cabin, he probably would avoid it because of noise. Not many green outside spaces, which calm him and help him through the day, but the odd outside spa e to sit and eat (he won't eat in a hall, too busy, too dirty, too noisy)
School B, grammar, in fairly rough town 12 miles away...my school. I've been there 17 years. We are excellent for SEND, good rating, not superselective and because of the demographic (very culturally diverse, quite deprived in areas but also some very posh villages) we have a real mix. He knows lots of staff, we offer Lego therapy, a counsellor with a dog, lots of green spaces. Lots of nerdy boys and also some very alpha male types, some misbehaviour....the cool kids tend to ignore the tribes of kids different to them. not super strict, academic but I would say it's very caring. Big though, 1400, but 400 in 6th form in a separate block mostly. But...I work 4 days, he would have to get a train or a bus the other day, or my partner who stays once a week and works at my school (and who he loves, he isn't a teacher but does support the send kids) could drive him in, or I would have to do it..it's only a 25 min drive on a good day. He wouldn't know any other kids and he wouldn't have a lot of independence about getting to or from school and if I'm not in for any reason I'd still have to take him (for example if I was out visiting another school or on a course). I know the staff would look after him and we don't have the same surname, plus loads of teachers have kids there, generally no problems. Main thing is they're not going to try to fine me or take me to court if he struggles and can't go, the head understands my situation and has supported me throughout my daughter's issues. He would get Friday afternoons off, but would have to wait for me. Sometimes he'd have to wait for me at the end of the day, but could hang out in clubs or do homework. I could go back full time, but not until his sister has done GCSEs at the end of his year 7.
Close to his dad's route to collect him/his sister on a Friday EOW, so I could then stay at my partner's house and would get more time to myself. Lots of pros and cons, but I think he'd be a good fit. He would definitely get a place, plus my partner lives there and we could possibly consider moving that way, I'm not sure about that though. I'm unlikely to leave, unless I retire at 55 but he'd be finishing 6th form then.
Comps....
I've got very little choice. Nearest two schools have last offered distances which are well under our distance. Poor behaviour in one, very big, old buildings with tiny corridors, senco has been less than helpful. Big trust and I actually just have a bad feeling about the trust and the schools, but he could walk it very easily. Very arty too and quite a lot of green spaces around the site.
A comp...Next one closest might not offer either, very popular and possibly just a bit too far away at 2.3 miles. It's a drop into town and walk, or bus and walk, about 40 mins walk. Again only one bus a day and not directly. SENCO lovely, I know some staff and students, heard nothing but good things, green spaces, old tired buildings but all separate blocks so he would get lots of movement breaks in between lessons. Arts Very well supported. Very supportive of send, plus a grammar stream. Big though, 1500...some of that is 6th form.
After that are the definitely getting a place as they are so undersubscribed...
B comp....5 miles away, very small, 600 kids, but a 5min train and 20- 30 mins walk either side, plus he'd need to be dropped off somewhere to do the walk. Potentially could be collected from the train though. Seemed great, good Ofsted, sort of on my way to work, ish, but would make my journey quite stressful and would mean he would be there v early an waiting at the end of the day. Good send provision, sensory room, which he loves at primary. Not many clubs after school and not a massive range of GCSE subjects.
C comp is a very long bus ride but again I'd have to drop him at the bus stop in town, then try to get to work...would be tight. fantastic head, great for send, lovely big open spaces in the corridors, art is valued, they do forest school and other things on a Friday afternoon, my oldest friend works there so he could go to hers to wait to be collected by me at the end of the day potentially. Definitely improving from a few years ago but no 6th form. Very deprived area though, properly rough. Like worst poverty and crime for quite a distance rough...nice areas directly around it, but they go to the much better thought of sister comp.
D comp...Last option, a school I used to work at a very long time ago, small again, 700 kids, really bad reputation, but I do again know lots of the staff. Big churchy trust but we are definitely not religious. No 6th form, very limited GCSE offer, one bus a day or dropped off and very long walk (on the same site as the grammar) no green spaces at all. Big tarmac playgrounds. SENCO is chaotic but good hearted. There is an autism resource unit though, but he wouldn't qualify as no EHCP. Very undersubscribed so he would get a place.
After that I've got nothing...
If he didn't get a place at any of those it's hopeless, he'd probably be offered something in the adjacent county (Medway) and transport would be a nightmare. So I have to put down the least worst options if he doesn't pass. I'm also worried that he might pass but the academic pressure might be too much for him at a grammar. My school is great but there are a few older established staff members who just see send as poor behaviour I think, despite loads of training and support. Generally they're great and caring etc, but as in every school, some just are in teaching too long and are a bit jaded I think. I do know them all very well though....I could warn him to not cross them!
But then he doesn't misbehave...he just keeps his head down, barely speaks, fawns and masks then lets it all out at me at home..!
Any bus journey would cost me £600 a year for a pass. He's never every gone anywhere independently, let alone on a bus or train. The thought gives me palpitations to be honest! But that could change with time and lots of preparation. My fear is if the travel to a school is tricky he just would refuse to go, or if he found school exhausting, the travel might just be the last straw. Then again it might help him to decompress if it's just a walk.
I'm so sorry that was so long, if you have got to the end and have any thoughts or questions then kudos to you 🤦 but this is what is in my brain every waking hour currently...I'm traumatised by my daughters experience I think, secondary is where the wheels fell off for her. Very scared of it happening again.