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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need a hand hold please

36 replies

happydays93 · 08/10/2025 16:38

This has happened within the last few hours so bare with me if it’s a ramble.
My partner moved in with me approx 6 weeks ago. He has 3 children and we moved into my flat so that we could save for a mortgage, we needed a little more money for a deposit (he sold the house he had - but we didn’t have quite enough equity to move on as it was a shared ownership home).
Today, he came home from work early and told me he was suspended. He is suspended for cheating on me whilst on shift (he’s definitely getting sacked, as he’s on probation - it’s a new job).
I’ve thrown him out. I can’t do this. This isn’t the first time he’s been sacked for something and we have been through hell and back in the last 4 years - I thought things were just looking up for us.
He is hysterical saying that he should kill himself and he hasn’t got anywhere to have his children overnight. He’s asked to stay with me until he’s found somewhere and I have said no. AIBU? My heart is absolutely beyond broken. I can’t even fathom how I am going to get through this.

OP posts:
Ablondiebutagoody · 08/10/2025 16:41

Stick to your guns and don't be guilt tripped, this is all on him. He can go to a hotel if he has to. Should be plenty of money from his house sale.

Justlovedogs · 08/10/2025 16:43

Ablondiebutagoody · 08/10/2025 16:41

Stick to your guns and don't be guilt tripped, this is all on him. He can go to a hotel if he has to. Should be plenty of money from his house sale.

This, 100%

andweallsingalong · 08/10/2025 16:44

This is a him problem, not your problem. Stick to your guns. If he continues to threaten suicide call him an ambulance then block and leave him to it

Rottenbanana250 · 08/10/2025 16:45

Agree with PP's I feel sorry for his children but he really should have thought of that before he started shacking up with someone else (whilst he should be working no less!)

What a horrible shock for you OP but don't be bullied or manipulated into feeling sorry for him, it's entirely his own doing.

Arlanymor · 08/10/2025 16:47

Threatening suicide is a horrible form of abusive control. You owe him NOTHING. Literally nothing. Tell him you want nothing more to do with him and block him from contacting you in every form possible. He has made his cheating bed and now he has to lie in it. He has money from the sale of the house and he needs to use that to sort out appropriate accommodation for himself and the children. This is NOT your issue to fix. Not remotely. I am so sorry that you are going through this because all of this extra stress is actually masking the crux of the issue which is that he has horribly betrayed you and torn apart the future that you had planned together. But stay strong, you will get through and past this, just take it one day at a time. There will be a brighter future for you.

DylanBrownCow · 08/10/2025 16:49

Stick to your guns.

Tubestrike · 08/10/2025 16:53

Absolutely don't let him stay. I guess he's only threatening suicide because he's been found out, this is a dreadful thing to use against someone and I very much doubt if he means it. This is all on him, he'll have to go to a friends or family. Thank goodness you kept your property.

TeaForTheTillermanSteakForTheSun · 08/10/2025 16:54

If he is threatening suicide then I would stop engaging and call the police for a welfare check on him.

He's trying to manipulate you into feeling bad for him when its him.that is in the wrong in every single way.

His kids are his responsibility, he wasn't thinking about them when he was off cheating on you at work, so why should you think about them now.

You're doing the right thing.

Fatiguedwithlife · 08/10/2025 16:55

Do not engage with him. Thank your lucky stars it happened before you were more tied to him. The kids will be fine, it’s his problem not yours.
stay strong

ItsameLuigi · 08/10/2025 17:08

Ablondiebutagoody · 08/10/2025 16:41

Stick to your guns and don't be guilt tripped, this is all on him. He can go to a hotel if he has to. Should be plenty of money from his house sale.

First post nails it. Stay strong OP

AC246 · 08/10/2025 17:12

Stick to your guns.
He is lying cheating scum.
Call the police and report his abusive manipulative threat to kill himself.
Do that for his children.
Please do not be used further by him.
I'm so sorry.
Call the police.

Hibernatingtilspring · 08/10/2025 17:28

Just to add another voice, that the threatening suicide is an abuse tactic and a way to try and make you help him instead of feeling angry at him. If you're worried call an ambulance or alert the police for a welfare check.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. He's awful. There's no excuse for cheating, but if someone is drunk at a party it's a bit easier to understand how it could happen - at work means some pretty active decision making, it's not a situation you just find yourself in. You deserve so much better!

ComfortFoodCafe · 08/10/2025 17:30

Well he didnt give a shit about you while he was shagging his bit on the side so why should you care? The council can put him in a hostel, let this be a lesson to the prick.

Original poster
happydays93 · 08/10/2025 17:30

thank you so much for the hand holds.
I think I am much more worried (and feel it’s more genuine on his end) because he has a long history of severe mental health - it’s not the first time he’s felt like this. It just all feels so horrendously awful.

OP posts:
ComfortFoodCafe · 08/10/2025 17:30

happydays93 · 08/10/2025 17:30

thank you so much for the hand holds.
I think I am much more worried (and feel it’s more genuine on his end) because he has a long history of severe mental health - it’s not the first time he’s felt like this. It just all feels so horrendously awful.

Hes using it to manipulate you. Nothing more.

TeaForTheTillermanSteakForTheSun · 08/10/2025 17:33

happydays93 · 08/10/2025 17:30

thank you so much for the hand holds.
I think I am much more worried (and feel it’s more genuine on his end) because he has a long history of severe mental health - it’s not the first time he’s felt like this. It just all feels so horrendously awful.

If he was genuinely going to do it he wouldn't be telling you.

My daughters ex did this to her and I called the police for a welfare check every time.

In the end he was charged with domestic abuse because his behaviour was deemed by the police to be abusive towards her.

estellacandance · 08/10/2025 17:36

Not your problem

themerchentofvenus · 08/10/2025 17:41

happydays93 · 08/10/2025 17:30

thank you so much for the hand holds.
I think I am much more worried (and feel it’s more genuine on his end) because he has a long history of severe mental health - it’s not the first time he’s felt like this. It just all feels so horrendously awful.

He is using this to manipulate you.

Stick to your guns and call the police if you are worried about his welfare.

FuzzyWolf · 08/10/2025 17:43

You’ve ended things, presumably said no to him or his children staying, so just block him and call the police if he harasses you or his suicide threat feels genuine.

TheatricalLife · 08/10/2025 17:48

Don't you dare cave and let him back. He's a massive, manipulative shit. The absolute nerve of him! He's not your problem. Block him everywhere, don't get into any more discussions with him and get tested for STIs.
You WILL get through this. I promise. You'll look back one day and he so glad you dumped him and moved on. Sending you a hand hold (and double high five for booting him out) from me.

momtoboys · 08/10/2025 17:53

He cheated on you while he was at work? What a chancer! Run. Let him threaten self harm if he needs to. Not your problem. He can take his money and figure out what to do.

SamphiretheTervosaur · 08/10/2025 17:54

Take a deep breath. His world just crashed down around his ears and he is desperate to make you an active partner in his distress. His problem will be easier for him to manage if you agree to share it.

You don't have to. If he calls and says he feels suicidal call the police and tell them he has made what you belive to be a credible threat of self harm.

Most of all do everything suggested here to make yourself safe. Give yourself time, tell your close friends what he did, prevent him recruiting them to manipulate you. The shame is his, not yours

Best of luck working tour way through this

LeaderBee · 08/10/2025 17:56

Tell him to get fucked, saying he'll kill himself is emotional manipulation and it isn't your responsibility to regulate his emotions. He has been a massive nob and he's somehow trying to turn it on you.

Daleksatemyshed · 08/10/2025 17:57

Sounds like it's not the first time he's let you down on a massive scale Op but it should be the last. He may have real MH problems but that gives him no right to behave badly, nor to use suicide threats to try to make you forgive him. If he can't behave like a decent adult for his DC then he won't ever do it for you

surprisebaby12 · 08/10/2025 17:58

He’s using threats to off himself as an emotional manipulation. There are so many red flags he could set up his own golf course. Do not fall for it. If he suggests that again, take him at his word and warn his close relatives or call him an ambulance. He’s not your responsibility and he’s got the money to rent or get a short term lease.

For future relationships, the relationship itself should not be hell. Life is hard work but your partner should should make it easier.