Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Spikey comment

35 replies

NimbleViewer · 08/10/2025 15:32

My husband (62) is a whizz at all kinds of diy. He will often do jobs for friends, saving them hundreds. He doesn't expect money but does expect maybe a token bit of money or a thank you and often feels taken for granted.

He does a massive amount for my mum (80) saving her money and having strangers in her house He has never had much in his life, so doesn't take money for granted, understanding the value of it.

My mum has just shown me a gift (money wallet) she has got him for Christmas , adding she knows how money orientated he is.

AIBU to be so hurt at the comment, cos that is not who he. All he expects is to feel valued and not taken for granted. I would never mention it to him as I know he would be extremely hurt and possibly never set foot in my mums again.

OP posts:
Bloobelly · 08/10/2025 15:34

He has never had much in his life, so doesn't take money for granted, understanding the value of it.

I suppose it’s all about what this means in reality in terms of his behaviour op

Bloobelly · 08/10/2025 15:34

How long have your mother and DP known one another?

and a good relationship?

Bloobelly · 08/10/2025 15:35

He doesn't expect money but does expect maybe a token bit of money or a thank you and often feels taken for granted.

by whom does he feel taken for granted by?

and he doesn’t expect money but does expect “a token bit of money”?

Original poster
NimbleViewer · 08/10/2025 15:37

Bloobelly · 08/10/2025 15:34

How long have your mother and DP known one another?

and a good relationship?

Almost 20 years. He will quite happily go around on his own to help her out. I am the main person to go out with my mum so there will often be the three of us. We go on holiday today. They have a very close relationship which is why the comment stings. I feel it is just clumsy rather than nasty but I'm still hurt by it

OP posts:
MissyB1 · 08/10/2025 15:38

You should have asked her to clarify what she meant. “Sorry what did you say mum? Not sure I understand…”

Bloobelly · 08/10/2025 15:39

NimbleViewer · 08/10/2025 15:37

Almost 20 years. He will quite happily go around on his own to help her out. I am the main person to go out with my mum so there will often be the three of us. We go on holiday today. They have a very close relationship which is why the comment stings. I feel it is just clumsy rather than nasty but I'm still hurt by it

Show quote history

So 20 years and good relationship and this one “spiked” comment and you have interpreted it as meaning your mother thinks negatively of your husband?

Bloobelly · 08/10/2025 15:39

MissyB1 · 08/10/2025 15:38

You should have asked her to clarify what she meant. “Sorry what did you say mum? Not sure I understand…”

Exactly
surely that would just be natural next step in conversation

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/10/2025 15:48

That’s horrible of her. Not the wallet but the comment.

Dollymylove · 08/10/2025 15:54

Your DP sounds ace 😍 can you send him round to my house?

Darragon · 08/10/2025 15:55

He does a massive amount for my mum (80) saving her money
Does he tell her how much it would cost to get someone in and how little he can do it for? Because that might be where she’s got the idea. People who are always talking about discounts, where you can get things cheaper, what the cost price is vs markups etc do tend to be money-oriented ime.
Seems a bit flippant to just throw away a relationship with your own mother over a misunderstanding.

ComtesseDeSpair · 08/10/2025 16:00

Does he perhaps, without really thinking about it, mention money whilst he’s doing work for her, in the vein of “this would cost you a fortune if you had to pay a professional” or “it’s a good job I’m around to do this, you wouldn’t get such a good deal from anyone else” or “I should be a plumber, the amount I save people by doing their jobs!” etc? As previous poster said, I’d have asked her to clarify what she meant, if they’ve otherwise gotten along fine for twenty years then she can’t have just decided to make a spiteful comment out of nowhere.

Bloobelly · 08/10/2025 16:01

ComtesseDeSpair · 08/10/2025 16:00

Does he perhaps, without really thinking about it, mention money whilst he’s doing work for her, in the vein of “this would cost you a fortune if you had to pay a professional” or “it’s a good job I’m around to do this, you wouldn’t get such a good deal from anyone else” or “I should be a plumber, the amount I save people by doing their jobs!” etc? As previous poster said, I’d have asked her to clarify what she meant, if they’ve otherwise gotten along fine for twenty years then she can’t have just decided to make a spiteful comment out of nowhere.

Even the op says he “expects” a token amount of “money”

and who makes him feel taken for granted?

Original poster
NimbleViewer · 08/10/2025 16:08

ComtesseDeSpair · 08/10/2025 16:00

Does he perhaps, without really thinking about it, mention money whilst he’s doing work for her, in the vein of “this would cost you a fortune if you had to pay a professional” or “it’s a good job I’m around to do this, you wouldn’t get such a good deal from anyone else” or “I should be a plumber, the amount I save people by doing their jobs!” etc? As previous poster said, I’d have asked her to clarify what she meant, if they’ve otherwise gotten along fine for twenty years then she can’t have just decided to make a spiteful comment out of nowhere.

This hits it on the head. He subconsciously says these in the conversations in a nice way

OP posts:
FreeRider · 08/10/2025 16:12

If someone came to do something in my home, for which they had the pre-existing skills, 'as a favour' but then kept banging on about how much money they were saving me...I'd get pretty pissed off with it, tbh. Wouldn't matter how 'nice' they were being about it.

If he feels 'taken for granted' by friends/family, maybe he should just stop offering, instead of playing the martyr.

TheatricalLife · 08/10/2025 16:15

I'd be inclined to say it was just clumsily worded rather than a dig, especially as they are close. He is, as you say, careful with money so I'd imagine it's something he speaks about a bit? Being money oriented isn't necessarily a bad thing. Money wise is perhaps a better term, or money savvy.
My DH is also one who gets asked for favours/mates rates a lot. He has learned to say no!

Bloobelly · 08/10/2025 16:17

TheatricalLife · 08/10/2025 16:15

I'd be inclined to say it was just clumsily worded rather than a dig, especially as they are close. He is, as you say, careful with money so I'd imagine it's something he speaks about a bit? Being money oriented isn't necessarily a bad thing. Money wise is perhaps a better term, or money savvy.
My DH is also one who gets asked for favours/mates rates a lot. He has learned to say no!

Exactly

two decades of very good relationship

best to presume she wasn’t suddenly making a barbed comment about your husband!

battairzeedurgzome · 08/10/2025 16:20

If your husband wants to be paid for his services, he should say so. Or stop providing those services.

BunnyLake · 08/10/2025 16:22

NimbleViewer · 08/10/2025 16:08

This hits it on the head. He subconsciously says these in the conversations in a nice way

Show quote history

It could come across passive aggressive or snidey though, especially if he says it more than once (even if it’s not his intention).

I wouldn't fall out over it.

LightDrizzle · 08/10/2025 16:22

She’s a cheeky fucker isn’t she? However if she’s not a horror generally I’d brush this one off with an internal eye-roll or have picked her up on it a bit in the moment.

Even if she has all her faculties, by 80 a lot of people get a bit more uninhibited and occasionally downright rude. My lovely mum did and she didn’t have dementia. There will probably be a few more of these coming your way in the future so try to see the funny side.

SprayWhiteDung · 08/10/2025 16:22

I wondered if she knows/sees/hears about all of the jobs that he does for everybody else and assumes that he charges them at least 'mates rates' - albeit he doesn't charge her because she's his MIL?

Maybe she thinks that he's so proactive because he wants to seize the opportunities to earn himself a decent whack, rather than out of just wanting to help people out?

BunnyLake · 08/10/2025 16:23

LightDrizzle · 08/10/2025 16:22

She’s a cheeky fucker isn’t she? However if she’s not a horror generally I’d brush this one off with an internal eye-roll or have picked her up on it a bit in the moment.

Even if she has all her faculties, by 80 a lot of people get a bit more uninhibited and occasionally downright rude. My lovely mum did and she didn’t have dementia. There will probably be a few more of these coming your way in the future so try to see the funny side.

Not a nice way to refer to OP’s mum.

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 08/10/2025 16:25

I wouldn't be able to leave it and would be asking her to explain herself further. Your dh sounds generous in his time and patience with her already being so involved in your lives and she may need a reminder that all good things can easily come to an end unless she plays nicely.

hazelowens · 08/10/2025 16:28

Could your mum be starting with the first signs of dementia. I only say this because my Grampa after 30 yrs of knowing my dad and having a very good relationship starting being really nasty about him and talking down about him to other people. Or it could just be one comment that means he has said something to your mum that has stuck in her mind and thinks that is how he is with everyone.

LightDrizzle · 08/10/2025 16:29

@BunnyLake Not intended horribly. It was a cheeky comment in the context of her husband’s helpfulness so in this context she in being a cheeky fucker in my circles but it is not a grave and permanent attribution. Then again, my nicknames as a child included Face-ache and Madam Mim so it’s probably a family culture thing.

SprayWhiteDung · 08/10/2025 16:29

I can see it from both sides, tbh: that he's happy to help people with his skills and doesn't want any money for it; but equally he doesn't want them to assume that he isn't giving them a lot of his time for free and putting himself out to do so and not be a little bit grateful.

However skilled he is, he isn't just doing them a favour like holding a door open or taking in a parcel.

Expecting somebody to be thankful for you giving up potentially hours/a weekend to save them a shed load of money is not cheeky in the slightest; the cheek comes from those who say a nonchalant "oh, thanks" as they hustle you and your tools out of their house the moment you've finished the very big job for them.