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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Spikey comment

35 replies

NimbleViewer · 08/10/2025 15:32

My husband (62) is a whizz at all kinds of diy. He will often do jobs for friends, saving them hundreds. He doesn't expect money but does expect maybe a token bit of money or a thank you and often feels taken for granted.

He does a massive amount for my mum (80) saving her money and having strangers in her house He has never had much in his life, so doesn't take money for granted, understanding the value of it.

My mum has just shown me a gift (money wallet) she has got him for Christmas , adding she knows how money orientated he is.

AIBU to be so hurt at the comment, cos that is not who he. All he expects is to feel valued and not taken for granted. I would never mention it to him as I know he would be extremely hurt and possibly never set foot in my mums again.

OP posts:

Catpiece · 08/10/2025 16:30

I think I’d have said “is he? I don’t think he is”. Horrible comment from the mother btw.

bumbaloo · 08/10/2025 16:32

Bloobelly · 08/10/2025 15:35

He doesn't expect money but does expect maybe a token bit of money or a thank you and often feels taken for granted.

by whom does he feel taken for granted by?

and he doesn’t expect money but does expect “a token bit of money”?

Obviously this means he doesn’t expect he paid properly but a token of appreciation is expected otherwise he feels totally used and unappreciated.

It’s just polite to offer something and so if people don’t he feels they are taking him for granted.

bumbaloo · 08/10/2025 16:34

FreeRider · 08/10/2025 16:12

If someone came to do something in my home, for which they had the pre-existing skills, 'as a favour' but then kept banging on about how much money they were saving me...I'd get pretty pissed off with it, tbh. Wouldn't matter how 'nice' they were being about it.

If he feels 'taken for granted' by friends/family, maybe he should just stop offering, instead of playing the martyr.

so you would presumably stop asking him to come and fix all your stuff then no?

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 08/10/2025 16:53

It's really nice of him to do what he does but it sounds like he resents it a little bit and that's coming across to her, which she has then defensively referred to as him being focussed on money. She just needs to be more openly grateful, he is doing her big favours and if she expressed her gratitude more then he wouldn't feel taken advantage of and wouldn't feel that he had to try and mention it to make her see that she should be grateful. I'd be having an honest chat with her in the circs.

Anyahyacinth · 08/10/2025 17:01

Did she say likes money or money orientated…I could quite see someone saying a relative “likes money” as a gift and not being rude at all

FreeRider · 08/10/2025 17:02

bumbaloo · 08/10/2025 16:34

so you would presumably stop asking him to come and fix all your stuff then no?

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If it meant I didn't have to hear them going on about money all the time, yes I would.

diddl · 08/10/2025 17:03

So he's money orientated but it seems to me that she benefits from it!

ConstitutionHill · 08/10/2025 19:30

Bloobelly · 08/10/2025 15:39

Exactly
surely that would just be natural next step in conversation

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This! And then put her straight about all the free work he does. Hopefully she will get the point and no need for your husband to ever know.

BunnyLake · 08/10/2025 20:34

LightDrizzle · 08/10/2025 16:29

@BunnyLake Not intended horribly. It was a cheeky comment in the context of her husband’s helpfulness so in this context she in being a cheeky fucker in my circles but it is not a grave and permanent attribution. Then again, my nicknames as a child included Face-ache and Madam Mim so it’s probably a family culture thing.

Edited

Ha I used to be called face-ache as well 😂

Lovelamps · 09/10/2025 01:43

Id just forget it. It was probably said in a thoughtless way just as a passing comment as a reason for why she's chosen to give money and not choose a gift for him . Just like someone might say 'oh teens love getting money' or 'I know he loves to shop or choose own things' etc. She probably didn't mean anything at all.

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