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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Having an operation: DH support?

31 replies

FedUpandEatingChocolate · 08/10/2025 12:57

AIBU for expecting DH to be more present at hospital when I have an operation?

I'm having an operation next week. DH works full time (mainly from home), kids are at school. Operation is at a hospital 45 minutes drive away.

If DH was having an operation I'd arrange childcare for outside of school hours to be there when he comes back to the ward, and to take him home (assuming same day).

DH had assumed that I would be in overnight so he could just pick me up in working hours for the following day. No other visit planned. I'll be getting a taxi there to arrive very early.

I've arranged for a friend to come over after school and stay with the kids as long as needed. DH is now planning to come over after he finishes work.

AIBU in hoping/expecting him to be more present at hospital to support me?

He has form for this. Left me alone after my second daughter (c section - I couldn't stand without fainting, had a UTI etc, baby in NICU). My MIL had offered to stay with our eldest but he wanted to be home with her.

When I had an op a few months ago he visited me for long enough to hand over an overnight bag (it was an emergency admission), and then to collect me in the morning (literally waited until I was discharged before leaving - I was hanging around on the ward for an hour after discharge).

I wouldn't expect him to hang around all day, but I do think he should come over when I go into surgery, so he's there when I come around. He can work from the ward/coffee shop, or ask for time off.

(Op includes removing something that is potentially cancerous, so my anxiety is suitably high.)

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 08/10/2025 13:00

Tell him he's breaking his marriage vows by not being there in sickness and in health.

I would seriously get turned off by this. How is he otherwise, is he usually thoughtful and supportive?

SalamiSammich · 08/10/2025 13:04

Ah I'm sorry you're going through this.

I'd probably rather DH was at home to keep the kids in routine and minimise disruption though.

Doesn't feel like you think he is doing it to put them first though so my advice is that that's a problem to address at another time and focus on making the best of things for now so you don't spread yourself too thin x

Sirzy · 08/10/2025 13:06

Most hospitals don’t let someone accompany an adult anyway to they? Unless there is some sort of additional need. I wouldn’t expect someone sat there waiting when I came around a visit would be nice if it could be done with minimal disruption to the children.

AmyDuPlantier · 08/10/2025 13:13

I had an overnight stay operation and tbh it didn’t occur to me to have my husband visit. He was at home with the kids and I was still pretty off my face so it wouldn’t have been useful anyway.

Whats he going to usefully do? He’s better off at home looking after the children I think. It’s one night.

Original poster

FedUpandEatingChocolate · 08/10/2025 13:20

The kids will be fine, they're old enough to understand and the friend I've asked to come over is very well known to them.

Visiting hours are 10-8, so he can be there when I come back. I find it really useful to have someone there when the surgeon comes around to explain what happens.

Generally, he's an amazing father and puts the kids and work above my needs. 95% of the time that's fine, but occasionally (like this) I feel like I need him there.

He's not great at thinking what I need. I have to spell it out to him, he needs time to digest and think it over, then he understands. E.g. when I got the surgery date he flipped out as it meant cancelling attendance at a work event away (not critical). After a few hours he apologised, but has regularly brought it up since. This isn't an elective surgery.

OP posts:

Original poster

FedUpandEatingChocolate · 08/10/2025 13:23

Maybe what I'll do is ask the surgeon if I can call dh on speaker when he comes around. That's my biggest concern. That and wanting the physical support.

OP posts:

Glitterballofdreams · 08/10/2025 13:24

I have had many ops, I don’t expect my husband to wait around the hospital. He’s more use at work or with the kids. However he has collected me when I’ve been discharged most times or my father has. My husband is self employed though, and so even when I had our children (all c sections) he was best working while I was in hospital (he was present for their births 😂) and then could have more time off once I was home.
Could you explain that you’d prefer him at the hospital, for support? Hope the op goes well x

99bottlesofkombucha · 08/10/2025 13:26

FedUpandEatingChocolate · 08/10/2025 13:20

The kids will be fine, they're old enough to understand and the friend I've asked to come over is very well known to them.

Visiting hours are 10-8, so he can be there when I come back. I find it really useful to have someone there when the surgeon comes around to explain what happens.

Generally, he's an amazing father and puts the kids and work above my needs. 95% of the time that's fine, but occasionally (like this) I feel like I need him there.

I’d lose my absolute shit the next time he brought it up and say I get it, you have gone on and on about if, you’d rather I die of cancer than you miss a work thing, because you just cannot be a supportive husband.

wpuld a friend visit? The more friends who know he’s really a dick the better.

Phunkychicken · 08/10/2025 14:15

My last few surgeries I've had (all Cancer investigations, day case) the surgeon hasn't come to speak to be after. I just get a written discharge summary. The surgeons are still in theatre by the time I'm discharged.

The hospital don't allow people once you've been moved from Recovery to the ward unless it's at point of discharge. So what you are hoping for may be completely moot.

You just need someone who can get to you to take you home quite quickly once hospital give you the nod (in my 12+ surgeries they've only once rang DH got me, normally they ask me to).

Best of luck

P00hsticks · 08/10/2025 14:30

Having had a couple of ops myself recently, I'm with the others in I can't really see what benefit having your husband waiting around in the hospital would achieve - he's unlikely to be allowed to see you in recovery and unless you are going to be staying in overnight you're unlikely to see the surgeon afterwards.

What you need to try to establish (as you don't seem certain at the moment) is if it is intended as day surgery or will involve an overnight stay so that your husband can pick you up as soon as you are ready to be discharged.

And also from experience - if it is something cancerous, then there may well need to be biopsies of the material removed done before you get a definite diagnosis so they won't tell you anything immediately after the op, they'd invite you in for a follw up appointent.

Hope al goes well ......

FurForksSake · 08/10/2025 14:36

I’m having surgery in November in another city around 45 minutes from home. It’s orthopaedic.

I volunteered to DH that I’d stay in a hotel in the other city and get a taxi to the hospital in the morning and then the hospital could let him know when I was ready to collect

he laughed at me! Told me that was definitely not happening. We will make some complicated arrangements for the morning and afternoon for childcare and crack on.

mine is supposed to be day surgery and it’s private, but it will depend and I may well stay in. The second he knows I’m staying in he’ll settle me and go home.

FurForksSake · 08/10/2025 14:37

Never go in for dat surgery without a small overnight bag with essentials in it. I’ve never had day surgery and been discharged same day.

TeaAndBrie · 08/10/2025 14:51

If your husband can’t be with you to make the tough times just a little bit better, then what is the point in having a husband.

HorseOnBy · 08/10/2025 14:53

Honestly? Dh would book time off work, be there to take me in and there for either visiting hours or to pick me back up. We would both do this, I arranged PIL to be here for the children after school when Dh was having an operation too,

This is about what you want, so although other people may be fine alone, lay out your expectations now of what you want your Dh to do. It is then up to him if he wants to meet those expectations and they are certainly not unreasonable.

Luckily Dh works for a company that is incredibly family friendly so they let you work flexible hours around things like picking someone up from school or hospital.

Original poster

FedUpandEatingChocolate · 08/10/2025 15:28

Thanks for all the feedback (and well wishes!)

My local NHS trust definitely allows partners to visit once back on the ward, other than 1 ward (which I'm not on).

I'm hoping I'll get to stay overnight as weirdly I find I can rest better on the ward. Probably due to the better pain relief!

The surgeon is having a good look around as well as removing the offending body part, so I'm expecting him to come around when he gets a chance. He's been pretty good at communication so far.

If I'm staying I won't expect dh to hang around all day. I just would like some support, even if it's just to help me to the loo and make my mint tea/refresh my water. For me this feels like a big thing and I need to know he's got my back.

I'll talk to him about it and explain my needs more carefully.

OP posts:

P00hsticks · 08/10/2025 15:29

FurForksSake · 08/10/2025 14:37

Never go in for dat surgery without a small overnight bag with essentials in it. I’ve never had day surgery and been discharged same day.

The day surgery ward at our local hospital closes at 8pm and all the staff go home, so they have to discharge everyone by then. (Presumably if there were real complications during the surgery they;d either find a bed in another ward for you or take you round to A&E.

Original poster

FedUpandEatingChocolate · 08/10/2025 15:32

P00hsticks · 08/10/2025 15:29

Show quote history

I'm not getting admitted into the day surgery ward so this won't apply.

OP posts:

Original poster

FedUpandEatingChocolate · 08/10/2025 15:33

Annoyingly, if I was being admitted as a day surgery case, it would be in our local hospital. Which is a 20 minute walk from our house, so much more convenient!

OP posts:

LuLuLemonDrizzleCake · 08/10/2025 15:35

YANBU at all. He needs to step up and show you love.

I had an op recently and, for various reasons, they couldn't move me to the ward until late. DH waited in the hospital all day (nearly 10 hours) until he could see me settled for the night. He was then back as soon as visiting hours started the following day and brought me home.

I would do the same for him in a heartbeat.

I hope your DH steps up and that your op goes well.

FurForksSake · 08/10/2025 15:36

@P00hsticks yes, they do and they find you a bed on a ward. They have to for some of us! My DSU has a ward with a number of bed spaces for the inevitable which is people don’t recover well enough to go home. I had my gallbladder out, was last on the list and it split as they took it out. And there was the needle stick that went along with it…

PumpkinSeasonOctober · 08/10/2025 15:37

Everytime I’ve had surgery they haven’t allowed anyone but me onto the surgery ward. They have to say goodbye at reception and come back to collect you once you’re discharged.

Justcallmedaffodil · 08/10/2025 15:41

Personally, I wouldn’t expect DH to do this, but we’re all different and you should be able to ask for what you feel you need without bad feeling.

My surgery was 3 weeks ago (double mastectomy) and having been dropped off by a friend on the day, I didn’t see DH again until the following afternoon when I was discharged and he came to drive me home. I was absolutely fine, and well looked after by the nursing staff from the point I came round after the surgery.

hazelowens · 08/10/2025 15:51

FurForksSake · 08/10/2025 14:37

Never go in for dat surgery without a small overnight bag with essentials in it. I’ve never had day surgery and been discharged same day.

I got caught out with that one, I regularly had to go in for surgery for a recurring gynecology problem and most of them had been home the same day but the last one there had been issues and I had to stay in hadn't gone in with things to manage an overnight stay. The hospital gave me a hospital gown and a toothbrush and toothpaste but I didn't have an extra book, I was reading a book a day at that point in my life so I had nothing to read the following day, first world problems lol

FcukBreastCancer · 08/10/2025 15:54

I'm with your dh sorry. Having surgery myself next week and want to be left to get on with it

Original poster

FedUpandEatingChocolate · 08/10/2025 21:45

My DH has thought about it and has come to the conclusion that he's going to work from the hospital. I'm really pleased, he came home from work and said this off his own back - I think he's realised how stressed I am about it.

I actually said to him he didn't need to hang around all day 😅 but he said he might as well! (He'll probably find a nearby cafe.)

I'm generally self sufficient with hospital appointments, and we have a medically complex kid so I've spent lots of time with her in hospital whilst he's stayed home with our other kid. So I'm used to hospitals.

For some reason I'm anxious about this surgery and feel the need for his reassurance and presence.

OP posts:

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