To have moved closer to family and further from boyfriend

[Redfox2]

A few years ago I made the decision to move a couple of hours away from my partner of 3 years (at the time) to be nearer family.
He would like us to live together but only in his area. I don’t want to move there for various reasons. It would be further from my family again and also I haven’t lived with anyone for many years and am not sure I want to. He’s upset but won’t compromise on where we live if we lived together. We are both over 60, I have children and he doesn’t.

Well, of course you’re not being unreasonable not to want to move to somewhere that doesn’t suit you, and even contemplate cohabiting if you don’t want to. I suppose I’d be asking what’s in this relationship for you, and whether you want to stay in it at all? Or does it add to your life as matters currently stand? If not, I’d consider ending it.

Moving in with someone is such a big step, life changing, if it isn’t done with wholehearted enthusiasm I doubt it will be a happy experience. You’re not sure so don’t do it.

Does he know you are unsure about living with him regardless of the location?

If he won’t compromise then he’s clearly not that bothered.

you are not the unreasonable one here. I would think long and hard, do a cost benefit analysis, what does it cost you, how will you realistically benefit? I am in my mid fifties, I’m not sure I would want to live with another man.l.maybe easy to say given I live with my husband, but, the thought of living alone is bliss, sorry to say!

Sounds like your life plans and expectations are incompatible. Simple as that really.

Yes he is aware I’m not 100% sure. However he is absolutely rigid with his views on location as he has a lot of friends nearby. He can often be dismissive of my concerns about me living his life and not my own.

Thank you and my other friend says the same thing. However I really don’t want to spend my retirement alone. Although I think it’s probably too much of a compromise to move to his area and away again from my family.

What are his reasons for not moving? Does he drive?

And ots not really "his area" is it? It was your shared area before you moved.

Do not do what you don’t want to do.

Again, what’s n this for you? He doesn’t sound nice or at all considerate of you.

I moved only an hour away from my family when I was younger, I so wish I hadn't, my elderly parent needs loads of support now and that hours drive is a pain. I'm sort of stuck where I am as my daughter lives round the corner from me and I help her with childcare.
I think you've done the right thing , I'm also 60 and the thought of living with a man leaves me cold !

We originally lived an hour apart but now almost 2hours apart so not our shared area. He does visit but I probably go to him more

Don't waste your time on him. There are plenty of other decent men around.

He does drive but his reason for not wanting to move is that he does not want to leave his friends that he has established over a number of years

I hope so, especially at my age

I was in a similar situation earlier this year. Im early 50s, daughter at home doing A levels, boyfriend of 18mths 1hr away, lives alone no kids. We spent every weekend together but he wanted to spend more time during the week together. Tbf, he was prepared to move closer, with the view to us living together when daughter goes to uni. However I realised while he was good company and fun to spend time with on the weekends, I didnt really want him encroaching on our midweek routine! After a holiday where he was very stressy and sulky, I realised we really wanted different things from life and I definitely didnt want to live with him.

I realised I wasnt in love with him, I just didn't really want to be alone and that wasnt fair on him. So I'm now single again and happier for it. I hope to meet someone but equally there are so many groups out there for people in our age bracket to travel together, do activities together etc being single doesn't have to be lonely. Good luck with whatever you decide.

You don't want to live together !

And he should respect ur boundary

At this age I wouldn't be far from my family and isolating myself from my social and moral support. Being close to family is priceless.

I think it's either u continue on the same arrangements or call it quits !

No one should dictate to u what to do at any point of life whether ur 20 or 60 is irrelevant

Okay red flag right here being

• he want to live together for his convenience only and no consideration to u
• he dismisses your concerns this isn't on in a relationship it's both ways and both have to give in something

I wouldn't do that ! Stay with ur family

Neither of you is necessarily being unreasonable not to want to move to the other’s preferred area. It’s an incompatibility.

If living with a partner is important to either or both you and neither of you will make a concession on it, it’d seem best to part ways.

It’d be better IMO to limit the geography of your dating pool! To avoid this problem.

Agree with PPs about thinking in a hard headed way about the costs/benefits/risks/ opportunities of living with a partner vs just dating. I have several family members who chose to be single in their older years and focused on hobbies, bit of volunteering, family and friends.

I agree with PP that you are incompatible, but neither are necessarily unreasonable. He sounds inflexible not willing to discuss it, but then you prioritised your family over him. This is a reasonable thing to do, but still sends a message. The important people to him are his friends, and he presumably feels he would be doing all the compromise if he moved to you.

Agree but same goes for her.

Ultimately if neither of them are interested in a compromise, it suggests they just don't love each other enough to make this work

I am sorry but either you are doing it together and you both agree on a new neutral location or you aren’t doing it! It might be different if there was a compelling reason such as him having kids in a local school but friends is not enough. Presumably you have friends where you live that you would have to leave as well as your family? He sounds happy to have you as an addition to his life but doesn’t want you enough to even slightly inconvenience himself. The thing that is more alarming though is that he can be dismissive of you. Personally I would rather be alone than be someone who is dismissive. It’s important for someone to understand and care about our needs and wishes even more so when they are not being met.

Thing is, moving to a partner’s location often isn’t just a compromise, it’s a concession. The further the distance and longer / costlier the travel the bigger the concession.

I did it for my now H in my late 20s (moved to London from around 5 hours away). We nearly broke up over it. It worked out well overall, but with some big downsides.

I think he’s getting a hard time here. he isn’t unreasonable to not want to move away from his friends, that is as valid and important a reason as any (to the PP who said friends “aren’t enough” not to move, I can only presume you… don’t have friends?)

equally OP is not unreasonable to want to live near family. Both of you are as uncompromising and inflexible as each other and you don’t want the same thing. You don’t come across like you like him very much OP, and continuing to date him just because you don’t want to be alone is pretty awful.

If you did end up without a boyfriend in retirement there is a very good chance you will be happy - many, many people are; especially when they have their family and friends around them as you do now.

But a relationship with someone who frequently dismisses your wants and needs and insists on theirs being met will never be a happy experience. And the thing with selfish people is that the more they get the more they expect. So if you do yield to his rigidness, it's likely that you will find yourself giving up more and more for the sake of his company. Whereas if you stay where you are and build a wider friendship group there you might find yourself a decent boyfriend.