To ask what you would do?Dd yr9 moving schools?

[FishersGate]

Myself and husband are having huge problems on agreement with schools and its having a toll on dd13.

She is currently at an all girls yr9 co of e school. School is outstanding she is doing fine academically in higher cohort in year. However this year she has got quite down friendship wise. The school is 10min drive away and lots of her friends live spread everywhere however some are also local. Her best friend who she went through primary with is in her form but tbh they have been having issues for some time. I feel thr friendship has run its course.

DD has also recently been referred for OCD and anxiety issues. Most of these outside od school. She hasn't had the best home life for 2 years after my DH lost mil it was a extremely difficult time couple with the fact that myself and DH have been on the verge of separating.

DH has always hate the all girls school element school is great pastoral and they have been great helping with issues. He thinks DD should move has seen a change in her she isn't bubbly, doesn't like school (she says not the school just school) nagging to do homework etc and she isn't having a social life outside of school. She plays football at weekends and trains twice a week plus martial arts. Non school related.

She sees a couple of boys who's she is friends with outside of school too.

DH wants to move her to local academy 10 mins walk. Its large fab facilities. Not as good academically and has some behavioural issues but is local and mixed cohort. He says this will be better she's better around boys and easier to be out at weekends etc etc.

Myself and DH can't agree. DD said she doesn't want to go to local school but I am not sure if this because she is worried about the unknown and making friends rather than not wanting to leave her current school. She is fully aware that DH doesn't like her current school and feels she can't be happy there as she knows dad doesn't like it and he is vocal about it.

DH spends a lot of time generally nagging at he about texting meeting friends etc as I think he thinks she should be out all the time etc etc.

I disagree and think lots of it is teenage stuff and finding her feet. But I also now feel drained as I am sure poor DD is and just think we should move schools so we dont DH bringing up the school every week.

We are waiting for a call from hear of y9 at current school. The pastoral at current school thinks DD should have a couple of sessions of 1 2 1 prior to moving as any move could also make her ocd anxiety worse.

I am completely drained and dont know what to do for the best as I am obviously concerned about her GcSEs too.

Listen to your daughter. It's her life. DH sounds like he wants to blame any issues on the school when as you have noted things have been very difficult at home. He sounds overbearing

It doesn’t sound like the school is the issue. You said her home life isn’t great and that might be causing the anxiety. If she isn’t being bullied then don’t move her.

If DD doesn’t want to move, don’t move her.

Dh is essentially bullying her to try and do what he wants.

He needs to back off and let dd be. Does he realise he is probably adding to her ocd trying to meet his expectations?

Friendship issues can happen in any school, its perfectly normal to nag teens about homework.

She needs downtime, not out all the time like dh is nagging. Most teens have theor friendships online too

You need to have dd back. She doesnt want to move schools. You need to shut dh down each time he brings it up

Does he often try to get his own way by bringing things he wants up constantly qnd wearing you down?

She doesn’t want to move schools.

When my kids were in Yr 9 they didn’t have much of a social life either - it developed much later. So every teenager will have a different experience. They should be free to move at their own pace. Your husband is forcing an issue which doesn’t need to be forced.

she can move for Sixth Form if needs be.

My gut says dont move her but equally I dont want her to stay at a school she isn't happy at.

DH thinks she should be out more with friends etc. Should be jumping ready for school coming out happy etc. Thinks she would be better at local school because of boys and local socially friends.

I think DD is stuck between us and I have had chats with her and she won't upset or disappoint me if she moves. She sai dont want to go to local school but I dont want her not to move is she thinks the making friends is hard. I dont want her to stay where she is just because the unknown is more frightening. I have explained she will settle in knows some people etc.

Current school have suggested friendship groups etc but she doesn't want to.

I worry we are just making her worse going on about friends school.well DH is

Should she be excited to go to school enthusiastic about school ? I dont know if assumed most teens weren't

As an example she has an inset day tomorrow and DH thinks she should be meeting friends. She has been invited to someone's house but its a 15 non drive each way- which we can facilitate. However she wants to go out with her auntie and do some bits at home. DH thinks she is a sign she is unhappy down and has seen a change in her since primary. Well yes she left 2.5 yra ago!!!

I do but obviously the vocalisation of this leads to a not pleasant atmosphere at home. Making dd worse

Your husband has unrealistic expectations. He’s projecting his own feelings onto her - does he want to go out more? Is he unhappy in his friendships?

seeing her aunt and doing some bits at home doesn’t sound like an unhappy child, she knows her mind and wants to do her things.

I think dd knowing you have her back may be more important to her.

Also taking to her to tell her that her dads bad moods and atmosphere is not her fault. Its his

I hate throwing terms out there but have you ever looked at co ersive control? Im married to an adhder who has similar tendancies. Took us quite bit couples therapy to unpick it.

Why is your DH so obsessed with DD’s social life and need to meet boys? He sounds odd and not very nice. It sounds as though he thinks she is having an inadequate social life and judging her negatively for this.

You both need to back off the whole school issue and if you’re on the verge of separating, get on with that and leave DD in a settled environment.

If she wants to move schools she will tell you. You could give her a breathing space of needing to know before summer term starts so you can visit the other school and check if it’s really right ahead of making a move for the beginning of year 10 but until that point you don’t keep on at her about it. If you separate from your husband it would give her some space from her overbearing Dad too.

No hes out all the time!!

We have had this discussion but I think she is very confused abd wants to please DH. I also said to leave it and let DD be but he won't listen .

There is definitely control ongoing

Sounds like she's old enough to try and make her own choice, it must be awful for her being stuck in the middle and it sounds like he's worrying excessively and making her feel worse rather than offering support or following her needs. I'd say you need to see how the school are going to support her and what she wants to do.

@FishersGate

Should she be excited to go to school enthusiastic about school ? I dont know if assumed most teens weren't

My DD is roughly the same age and has a great friendship group, but isn’t enthusiastic about school at all despite doing well academically too. I told my DD the other day that I loved school when I was there and she said “why?? School is just a prison for kids”. So I think it’s normal for them not to be enthusiastic.

I would listen to your DD and keep her in the school she is in, your DH is likely to just cause more unnecessary drama for your DD by moving her. He is just projecting onto her what he thinks her school days should look like, instead of listening to what she wants.

Well then he seems to be unable to understand that going out all the time does not make everyone happy, even if it makes him happy.

There's go guarantee that things will improve by changing schools and could create more or different issues. Sounds like home life is the main issue.

Girls who present with anxiety are usually just diagnosed with ‘anxiety’

However the first presenting symptom of ND in girls is anxiety. She’s more likely ND than anxious. This will explain why she likes a quiet life at home. Changing schools would be very disruptive. Your Dh needs to back off.

My dd is very quiet and home loving at 19.Shes AUDHD. I still struggle with understanding it, because l was the opposite.

But let her be herself.

Your poor daughter, your DH sounds awful

Your OH needs to stop bullying your DD to go to a different school for no other reason (from what I'm reading) than he wants her to have a boy friend. It's ridiculous.

If your daughter wants to stay, she stays. Friendship groups can be volatile, they will settle. But what she really needs is a happy supportive home life.

This.

If the school she is at are good at the pastoral stuff, she is doing well academically and you are able to support her out of school connections and activities plus she is saying she doesn't want to move, then don't move her.

The meeting up with friends independently thing happens (round here) much later on than it did in my day. Y10 or 11.

How are things with you and DH? Don't give in to him nagging for the sake of an easier life if you don't agree it's in your daughter's best interests.

I think you should ask your daughter whether or not she wants to change schools, and if so, where she wants to go to. Then go with it.
The issues she is having sound like they are things that can be worked out without her changing schools. Friendships often change at secondary, especially when students are mixed up differently for lessons. Sounds like she would be better helped in dealing with that.

I was never enthused about going to school.
I loved lessons, the teachers, the learning but the people, other pupils, nope.