To ask what you would do?Dd yr9 moving schools?

[FishersGate]

Myself and husband are having huge problems on agreement with schools and its having a toll on dd13.

She is currently at an all girls yr9 co of e school. School is outstanding she is doing fine academically in higher cohort in year. However this year she has got quite down friendship wise. The school is 10min drive away and lots of her friends live spread everywhere however some are also local. Her best friend who she went through primary with is in her form but tbh they have been having issues for some time. I feel thr friendship has run its course.

DD has also recently been referred for OCD and anxiety issues. Most of these outside od school. She hasn't had the best home life for 2 years after my DH lost mil it was a extremely difficult time couple with the fact that myself and DH have been on the verge of separating.

DH has always hate the all girls school element school is great pastoral and they have been great helping with issues. He thinks DD should move has seen a change in her she isn't bubbly, doesn't like school (she says not the school just school) nagging to do homework etc and she isn't having a social life outside of school. She plays football at weekends and trains twice a week plus martial arts. Non school related.

She sees a couple of boys who's she is friends with outside of school too.

DH wants to move her to local academy 10 mins walk. Its large fab facilities. Not as good academically and has some behavioural issues but is local and mixed cohort. He says this will be better she's better around boys and easier to be out at weekends etc etc.

Myself and DH can't agree. DD said she doesn't want to go to local school but I am not sure if this because she is worried about the unknown and making friends rather than not wanting to leave her current school. She is fully aware that DH doesn't like her current school and feels she can't be happy there as she knows dad doesn't like it and he is vocal about it.

DH spends a lot of time generally nagging at he about texting meeting friends etc as I think he thinks she should be out all the time etc etc.

I disagree and think lots of it is teenage stuff and finding her feet. But I also now feel drained as I am sure poor DD is and just think we should move schools so we dont DH bringing up the school every week.

We are waiting for a call from hear of y9 at current school. The pastoral at current school thinks DD should have a couple of sessions of 1 2 1 prior to moving as any move could also make her ocd anxiety worse.

I am completely drained and dont know what to do for the best as I am obviously concerned about her GcSEs too.

This is my take she has suggested a change of form. She said she would move to another school but its completely not viable either way travel wise. But also one of her friends has just moved there. !

To be fair school are trying to refer her etc and help. I think she needs to be un nagged and left alone for a while. Even she says the constant asking about school is draining but we both feel that we wont get a break from DH unless she just moves.

I am also second guessing myself now constantly

This is my take the whole rhetoric about school friends going out etc needs to stop ✋️ and let her have space. All DH sees is her grumpy and unhappy after school mainly due to the girl in her form. He said no benefit to sending her to school she came down one set in maths due to one exam mark. She is happier in the set she is in -C. She is managing work better.

DH is view is why send her or her be at this school when she isn't progressing academically despite the school stating what a lovely pupil she is. She gets involved in open days etc.

It's just a mess and more so for DD

Classic Mumsnet line: this is a DH problem. He needs to back the fuck off and listen to his child.

Yep he is trying to either or both parent the child he wants or trying to turn his daughter into himself and is causing no end of anxiety for you and her

he needs to back off

Girls do better academically in single sex schools.

Year 9 is a tricky year worst I think of all of them so what she is experiencing is normal

DD went through all girls until year 12 (she decided to move) and DS is the mixed local and my god DD would not have coped with it at all

he needs to listen to her and frankly stop going out and start parenting he isn’t helping at all

it is HER choice and hers alone and he needs to respect thst

Unfortunately this is the view i have come too. He also can't accept she is a hormonal teenager and has changed since primary

My son is in yr 9. He says the girls and boys don't speak to each other at school. This is at a school where nearly all the pupils came from the mixed Junior School next door and knew each other all through school. There's also a clique of mean girls who exclude any girls they don't like. Does your DH want that for your DD?

@FishersGate can you tell him that. How awful it is that he is constantly trying to wear her down so she agrees with him just to get peace - how tortuous that is for her and how she is old enough to make her own choice.

that one of the hardest parts of parenting is realising that your child has a mind of their own and decisions have to be theirs because the worse thing is resenting someone for making a decision for you

that also comes with recognising they are not you their likes and dislikes and comfort zones are different

I have explained this and I also feel it won't automatically solve the problems he thinks she has!! It won't make her gain a social life locally etc. She plays football for a mixed and girls team outside of school

Honestly, it sounds to me like he wants to split permanently and wants to untangle himself from the school fees element first.

I know that doesn't help you and its not advice, but I'd look to untangle that because this seems like the side issue you are focusing on as "the problem" but it isn't. And DD shouldn't even be involved in all of this imo.

These are fairly typical and not unexpected issues for a teenager.
Friendship issues are very common at this age and can be demoralising, but you can't rely on a set of friends not to change. They are all growing up and maturing and finding that friendships come and go.
Moving school is no guarantee of bringing happiness and it doesn't sound like school is actually the problem.
OCD added into this is hard - my DD also has OCD so I sympathise.
I'd listen to your DD and try and stop your DH in projecting what he thinks teen lives should look like. Very very many of them are not constantly out socialising, a lot of social contact happens online.

Yr9 is s really tricky age to move as if she changes she will go into established friendship groups and this can be hard. Your dh is definitely projecting his beliefs on to her. Friendships often get hard at this age and yr 9 is an odd year for them as they think about starting GCSEs. I would not rush to move her if she is happy. Not every dc wants to be out with friends, she may not quite be ready for so much social stuff. My ds really was not until yr12 when he seemed to enjoy it more and was out much more.

Does she want that level though? My two are v different - DD loves to be busy going out doing stuff etc activities 3 times a week sees friends over the weekend does stuff with me etc holidays does things most days with people
DS loves being at home - lots of friends he could do stuff with but doesn’t want to. Does nothing in the week and in the holidays maybe does something once a week and that can just be with his sister

OP is she a single child and taking the brunt of your relationship issues? I would go to family therapy.
The school she is at sounds fine to me, she is doing enough activities, academics gets more serious in Year 9, many kids are a bit unhappy in Year 9 anyway (hormones, changes, more homework), some kids do far better in sets where they are top rather than middle in a higher set.

No we have a son in year 5 we dont have the same choice for him and he will be going to thr nearest academy.

She is in the upper tier of set c but enjoying maths more!

If she doesn't want to move then absolutely not. Even if she wanted to, I'd think twice in year 9, but given that she doesn't want to then no.

It sounds like your husband has an idea of what your DD "should" be like. In fact, she is her own person and not a cookie-cutter teenage girl.

Friendships can change dramatically in year 9. My DD (year 13) doesn't have any of the same friends from her early secondary years, but she still has plenty of friends.

Many dads struggle at this age with their children, daughters in particular, as they transition from their little girls to young women.

I would have firm words with you H to stop dissing the school in her earshot. There doesn't seem to be enough If she does move and the issues are worse then he will be to blame.

I think you should also look at separating from your dh. You dd is probably picking up on all the tension. He sounds like a bully.

You (well, your DH) can't move a 13 year old's school when they don't want to move and the current school is academically better. I think maybe it'd help if your DH butted out and stopped criticising her choices. It can't help her feel settled at school if he's constantly pushing another option.

I'd say to DH give it full support till Easter at current school with no mention of moving, full support and no criticism, get school to move her class so she's away from the old friendship that's not working anymore and then see where things are at Easter time.

I have said this to him and I agree I don't think he is coping with her growing up! Needing to make her own decisions!

Listen to DD. Your DH frankly doesn't know what it feels like to be a teenaged girl and the stresses that go with it. Without giving him a lecture on feminism he isn't likely to suddenly see she might find going out all the time stressful, particularly with OCD.

The irony is though that many girls in all girls schools do sports and subjects traditionally seen as boys domain BECAUSE they feel less embarrassed to give it a go in an all girl environment. There are a lot of studies on STEM showing girls do better without boys in the room, and some looking at sports too. You might want to show your DH that as she may not feel as happy if she is being watched by boys in PE for example.

But he has to because it looks as if he may well be a huge part of what is causing her stress

it isnt easy but it is necessary

I think this too.