For suggesting an open relationship?

Tabbykit · 07/10/2025 09:27

Gadgetgo · 07/10/2025 09:26

Firstly, this is not a reverse.

I have been with my partner for a long time. We have a child together. We are legally tied together but not married.

I have a disability, he's lost his job and has to care for me and our child. For the past couple of months it's been particularly bad and I've been in and out of hospital and able to do very little.

I have suggested that we have an open relationship. We're intimate a couple of times a year if that. He's completely dismissive of the idea but I have to live with my disability and being in pain, he has a choice. I've told him that I don't want to know if he does meet someone else. He thinks I'm being ridiculous.

I feel like because he lost so much as a result of caring for me, he deserves happiness which I'm unable to give him. I just don't understand why he's so against the idea. I don't want him to but I also think that I should not be denying him intimacy so if he can't have it with me, he should with someone else.

AIBU?

It's fine to suggest it as you have, but not to push it when he has said he isn't interested.

Toomanyclothesinthecloset · 07/10/2025 09:29

He doesn't want to, and you don't want him to...so why do you think this is a good idea?

AutumnWreath · 07/10/2025 09:31

It's the same as if he suggested you take up a hobby you don't want to do .
Let's say skydiving , he'll take you every Wednesday afternoon to do it .
If it's something he doesn't want to do . Why force him ?

PollyBell · 07/10/2025 09:33

So you feel guilty and want to put that guilt on to you to male yourself feel better, this is not fair on him and shows you dont really care about him

People may think I need to dress this up into something pretty but it is straight to the point

Original poster

Gadgetgo · 07/10/2025 09:34

Toomanyclothesinthecloset · 07/10/2025 09:29

He doesn't want to, and you don't want him to...so why do you think this is a good idea?

Because I feel as if I have trapped him in a life he doesn't deserve. Pre-disability he / we had a great life. We travelled, we both worked and he was doing exceptionally well as an academic. I just don't understand why he would stay when I'm giving him an out.

OP posts:

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/10/2025 09:35

Gadgetgo · 07/10/2025 09:34

Because I feel as if I have trapped him in a life he doesn't deserve. Pre-disability he / we had a great life. We travelled, we both worked and he was doing exceptionally well as an academic. I just don't understand why he would stay when I'm giving him an out.

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He loves you and doesn’t want to. Presumably, you’d have cared for him if the situation were reversed?

Original poster

Gadgetgo · 07/10/2025 09:38

PollyBell · 07/10/2025 09:33

So you feel guilty and want to put that guilt on to you to male yourself feel better, this is not fair on him and shows you dont really care about him

People may think I need to dress this up into something pretty but it is straight to the point

I do care about him, I love him more than anything and I just think he could have a better life without me. I've even suggested that we split up so he can be free. I am stuck with my disability but he doesn't have to be. He has a choice. I'm trying to make sure he knows that he's not beholden to me and that if he wants a better life, he should take it.

He's amazing, he's amazing to me, to our child. I love him more than anything but it seems selfish that I should make him stay around if I can't offer him the same.

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DiscoBob · 07/10/2025 09:39

Gadgetgo · 07/10/2025 09:34

Because I feel as if I have trapped him in a life he doesn't deserve. Pre-disability he / we had a great life. We travelled, we both worked and he was doing exceptionally well as an academic. I just don't understand why he would stay when I'm giving him an out.

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But it isn't an 'out'. You're not saying I'm leaving you because I don't want you to have to care for me and not have sex. You're telling him to cheat. And that is morally wrong. He quite rightly doesn't want to do that and hurt you. He obviously knows you don't mean it.

It's fair enough to suggest it but not to force him into it. Maybe no other woman wants sex with him? And he doesn't want to use prossies? Maybe he only wants you?

Original poster

Gadgetgo · 07/10/2025 09:41

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/10/2025 09:35

He loves you and doesn’t want to. Presumably, you’d have cared for him if the situation were reversed?

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Of course. I'd do absolutely anything for him. Apart from our child, he's the best thing that's ever happened to me. We used to be equals in everything and it hurts that I can no longer offer that to him. This isn't what he signed up for.

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MrsSkylerWhite · 07/10/2025 09:42

Gadgetgo · 07/10/2025 09:38

I do care about him, I love him more than anything and I just think he could have a better life without me. I've even suggested that we split up so he can be free. I am stuck with my disability but he doesn't have to be. He has a choice. I'm trying to make sure he knows that he's not beholden to me and that if he wants a better life, he should take it.

He's amazing, he's amazing to me, to our child. I love him more than anything but it seems selfish that I should make him stay around if I can't offer him the same.

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You’re not “making” him do anything. He has free will.

PollyBell · 07/10/2025 09:43

Gadgetgo · 07/10/2025 09:38

I do care about him, I love him more than anything and I just think he could have a better life without me. I've even suggested that we split up so he can be free. I am stuck with my disability but he doesn't have to be. He has a choice. I'm trying to make sure he knows that he's not beholden to me and that if he wants a better life, he should take it.

He's amazing, he's amazing to me, to our child. I love him more than anything but it seems selfish that I should make him stay around if I can't offer him the same.

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Again you are making this all about you

Swiftie1878 · 07/10/2025 09:44

Gadgetgo · 07/10/2025 09:34

Because I feel as if I have trapped him in a life he doesn't deserve. Pre-disability he / we had a great life. We travelled, we both worked and he was doing exceptionally well as an academic. I just don't understand why he would stay when I'm giving him an out.

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Because he loves you.

Stop making your guilt be the thing to come between you. If he’s not interested, just go with that.

Original poster

Gadgetgo · 07/10/2025 09:46

DiscoBob · 07/10/2025 09:39

But it isn't an 'out'. You're not saying I'm leaving you because I don't want you to have to care for me and not have sex. You're telling him to cheat. And that is morally wrong. He quite rightly doesn't want to do that and hurt you. He obviously knows you don't mean it.

It's fair enough to suggest it but not to force him into it. Maybe no other woman wants sex with him? And he doesn't want to use prossies? Maybe he only wants you?

Edited

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I've told him that I think we should seperate but he's absolutely set against that as well. I just feel he deserves far better than I can offer him.
I spent nearly two weeks in hospital last month and I was upset because I was going to miss our child's first day of school. My partner dressed our child in their uniform the day before they started so I could see them in their uniform. I didn't ask him but this is the type of person he is.

I wasn't always like this but the disability began a few years ago after an accident. I feel like a burden to him and our child and I often think they'd be better off without me.

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Tabbykit · 07/10/2025 09:47

You're going to ruin your relationship if you carry on like this. He's choosing to stay with you he's not being forced, you should accept that.

Original poster

Gadgetgo · 07/10/2025 09:47

PollyBell · 07/10/2025 09:43

Again you are making this all about you

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So what would your advice be then?

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Frankblackwife · 07/10/2025 09:49

Crazy thought here, maybe he loves you and is committed?

Tabbykit · 07/10/2025 09:49

If you are able to l would recommend getting some counselling to help you come to terms with your disability. I have a disability too I know it's not easy, but don't push away someone who loves you because of your own self hatred 💐

Summerhillsquare · 07/10/2025 09:49

This never ends well. Seems to me the problem is you don't feel worthy of him. There are lots of ways mumsnetters can suggest to help with that, if it's the case?

Dishwater · 07/10/2025 09:50

You’re disabled, not dead! Assumedly you’re still a good person and have all the traits you had when you met. This is not the answer! It would only work if you both wanted it - no issues with people doing this personally. But, you’re doing it because you feel guilty so I can almost guarantee is isn’t actually what you want and then you would likely be resentful. Spend your time thinking about how you can improve your current situation now he’s said no. Could you be more intimate? There’s more than one way to skin a cat if you get what I’m saying? Could you get source some care form outside the home? Could you have a small income from something you are able to do? Just something to make you feel more confident that you’re contributing? I know these things aren’t easy by the way but I’m trying to be constructive. He has told you he doesn’t want anyone else which is great so have a really hard think and talk about how you can make things easier for him and yourself.

DiscoBob · 07/10/2025 09:52

Gadgetgo · 07/10/2025 09:46

I've told him that I think we should seperate but he's absolutely set against that as well. I just feel he deserves far better than I can offer him.
I spent nearly two weeks in hospital last month and I was upset because I was going to miss our child's first day of school. My partner dressed our child in their uniform the day before they started so I could see them in their uniform. I didn't ask him but this is the type of person he is.

I wasn't always like this but the disability began a few years ago after an accident. I feel like a burden to him and our child and I often think they'd be better off without me.

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He loves you and doesn't want anyone else. Just accept it. You'd probably be devastated if he left. I'm sorry for your health problems. X

gamerchick · 07/10/2025 09:53

OP you've put the offer out there. Let it drop. He doesn't want to have an open relationship.

Original poster

Gadgetgo · 07/10/2025 09:54

Tabbykit · 07/10/2025 09:49

If you are able to l would recommend getting some counselling to help you come to terms with your disability. I have a disability too I know it's not easy, but don't push away someone who loves you because of your own self hatred 💐

Edited

Thank you

OP posts:

PollyBell · 07/10/2025 09:54

Gadgetgo · 07/10/2025 09:47

So what would your advice be then?

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Stop doing his thinking for him, get on with your life and leave him to his own thoughts, it cant be that hard to work out he os not your puppet but his own person

Original poster

Gadgetgo · 07/10/2025 09:57

Summerhillsquare · 07/10/2025 09:49

This never ends well. Seems to me the problem is you don't feel worthy of him. There are lots of ways mumsnetters can suggest to help with that, if it's the case?

I'm absolutely not worthy of him. He's a far better person than I am. I'm often irritable and snappy. I find the constant pain, procedures and hospital stays so utterly draining and exhausting.

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Original poster

Gadgetgo · 07/10/2025 09:59

Dishwater · 07/10/2025 09:50

You’re disabled, not dead! Assumedly you’re still a good person and have all the traits you had when you met. This is not the answer! It would only work if you both wanted it - no issues with people doing this personally. But, you’re doing it because you feel guilty so I can almost guarantee is isn’t actually what you want and then you would likely be resentful. Spend your time thinking about how you can improve your current situation now he’s said no. Could you be more intimate? There’s more than one way to skin a cat if you get what I’m saying? Could you get source some care form outside the home? Could you have a small income from something you are able to do? Just something to make you feel more confident that you’re contributing? I know these things aren’t easy by the way but I’m trying to be constructive. He has told you he doesn’t want anyone else which is great so have a really hard think and talk about how you can make things easier for him and yourself.

We have a business that I started that brings in an income plus other passive income. Of course I'd be devastated if he left or had an open relationship but if he was happy, then I'd just learn to be OK with it.

OP posts: