For suggesting an open relationship?

[Gadgetgo]

Firstly, this is not a reverse.

I have been with my partner for a long time. We have a child together. We are legally tied together but not married.

I have a disability, he's lost his job and has to care for me and our child. For the past couple of months it's been particularly bad and I've been in and out of hospital and able to do very little.

I have suggested that we have an open relationship. We're intimate a couple of times a year if that. He's completely dismissive of the idea but I have to live with my disability and being in pain, he has a choice. I've told him that I don't want to know if he does meet someone else. He thinks I'm being ridiculous.

I feel like because he lost so much as a result of caring for me, he deserves happiness which I'm unable to give him. I just don't understand why he's so against the idea. I don't want him to but I also think that I should not be denying him intimacy so if he can't have it with me, he should with someone else.

AIBU?

I think you are suggesting this because you feel guilty but, whilst sex is an important component of a relationship, it is love and shared values such as the responsibility for children that binds us.

Many men have to manage with limited sex from their wife's during illness, pregnancy, postpartum or post-operative recovery, menopause… it should never be the case that he is therefore justified in getting sex elsewhere.

I’d suggest some talking therapy/counselling to work on your feelings around being long term sick/disabled.

I'm just exhausted. I had another procedure last week that's left me in more pain and left me feeling really weak.

This is straight talking excellent advice OP & makes a lot of sense to me ..
Please read it a few times & take it on board x x

He might take you up on it, but you said you don’t want to know anything about it. Perhaps him being dismissive is all about protecting your feelings? You put it on the table, now let him take the offer - or not!, discreetly.

Could you suggest couples counselling or counselling for yourself?

Your DP sounds like a good egg and it seems like it's the way you feel about yourself that's causing you to push him away.

Best of luck OP.

This, why on earth would you keep on trying to get your partner to have sex with others.

My mum had a degenerative disease and my dad cared for her for the last 10+ years of her life. He was 53 when she died. He did it because he chose her and loved her and was committed to her. Obviously I have no insight into whether he had a sexual relationship with anyone else in that time, but knowing him I would guess not. It is hard to accept being dependent on someone, but it's also hard to be pushed away if you want to care for someone. Having a disability doesn't make you an unworthy partner - that's internalised ableism talking. Instead of focusing on what he's missing, focus on what he's getting - love, affection , care, companionship...Think of it this way - if the shoe were on the other foot, would you leave him?

You’re contributing!!!!! You’re a human being with feelings! Girl, you’re doing enough. Work on the intimacy if you can because I understand how that can lead to guilt and a disconnect but you are enough and it’s not your fault life threw you a curveball.

And he sounds like one of the very few good ones, do not throw that away.

Don't push this. There is more to relationships than sex, continue to be caring and supportive, as he is with you.

Thank you everyone for your comments. I have a lot to get my head around in terms of our relationship and the disability. He absolutely is "one of the good eggs". I'm going to take advice and look into therapy.

Thank you

OP You are belittling his feelings for you. Carry on and you will certainly drive him away, what a shame for your child - and for you all.

It sounds like you have a lovely DH. And you are being thoughtful about his needs/wants, if it was about sex.
However, agreeing to an open relationship means that he is still in a primary relationship with you, obviously, which is what you both want. If he is the 'relationship' type rather than the 'casual sex' type, then it's problematic because he's not available for a relationship and casual sex might not be his thing (nor finding it)
There's also the risk that getting into a sexual relationship might get out of hand and lead to the breakdown of your relationship.

‘Learn to be ok with it’….. that sentence alone is why your idea of an open relationship is stupid. You’re not ok with it so it will never work. He isn’t interested in an open relationship so maybe just start focusing on the things you can do together. Intimacy isn’t just sex

You've given him the option and he's not interested. Now start putting any energy you have into making the relationship the best it can be rather than trying to tear it apart.

OP, I became disabled at 40, about a year after DH and I got married. I am now 66 and my DH has looked after me the whole time, he's never been unfaithful, but, like you, in the first few years I felt that I was constantly holding him back, and also offered him the opportunity to leave, or have an open relationship, which like your partner, he swiftly declined. I've always said that if there's something he can do that I can't, then he should do it, but he refuses because he says he prefers to be with me, doing simple things, rather than away from me, wondering if I'm OK. Over more recent years, his health too has deteriorated, and so we now do our best to take care of each other. The best medicine we've found, is being able to laugh together. If you can do that, you can get through anything.

Also, if full intercourse is off the menu, there are other things you can do for each other, if you both want it, I'm assuming of course that I don't need to draw you a picture😂?