Hurtful comment at work

[Waterhorse46]

Applied to a new job. Told my manager I listed her as a referee pre interview. Her instant response. I’m just gonna hope you don’t get that job. Said twice. Followed by it’ll be a loss.

Aibu to feel very upset about that due to it being wildly inappropriate?

Did she mean it would be a loss to them? If so, isn’t that a compliment?

Repeated hope you don’t get it twice. Moved topic then as exiting the office that it’s a loss. But I’ve been scrutinised since I started. Nothing I do is right.

You say you told her you put her as a reference, do you not mean you asked her? It’s not polite to just put her down and then tell her afterwards. It sounds like she values you and doesn’t want you to leave. She’s not saying it very appropriately, but I’m struggling to see why you find it hurtful.

She doesn't want those you. Why is it hurtful?

Did you ask her before listing her as a referee? If not, then you are the rude one.
Without knowing the circumstances etc sounds like she was being sarcastic by you leaving and making a joke that she hopes you don't get the role and that she doesn't want you to go. Only by what you wrote- obviously, maybe there is more to it?

It’s a compliment, surely?

i think if I wasn’t scrutinised as much as I am and made to feel like I’m incompetent or useless I’d defo feel it was a compliment. But I’m just regularly made to feel like I’m stupid. Even though I’m really not I follow everything up correctly and do everything asked of me.

She might have phrased it poorly, but it sounds like she doesn't want you to leave? And then she realised how it sounded and made it clear that it would be a loss. I wouldn't say that she behaved in a wildly inappropriate way. Also I hope you asked her nicely if she wouldn't mind being your referee.

I think if you're generally very unhappy there then it will definitely colour how you receive comments from her.

I guess it's a little clumsy in wishing you don't get it but I can't see how it could be interpreted in any other way than she thinks you are a good worker and would be sad to see you go. Regardless of her scrutiny, she obviously values you as an employee or she wouldn't have said you'd be a "loss".

Wtf? When it's an existing manager there's no expectation to ask their permission to be a reference. It's taken as read.they will give a reference surely

Perhaps you’re like one of my former colleagues, who was slighted by everyone and every thing, despite best intentions, and the comment was some shade towards you? Otherwise, I’d say she was paying you a compliment.

It was overly direct from her - it's not abnormal for a manager to not want an employee to leave but most won't say it like that. But I wouldn't take it as hurtful or anything but her speaking her inside thoughts aloud. You leaving may be great for you but it's a negative thing for her.

I would seriously reconsider offering her as a reference again if you can possibly avoid it. She's under no obligation to help you leave and it doesn't sound like she's inclined to do so. Most prospective employers will be fine with a neutral confirmation ("Yes, this person worked/is employed here in X position for Y period") from your current employer if you can provide a more detailed reference from elsewhere.

Elaboration to my comment above:

There are two different types of "reference-checking" prospective employers do. One is just a basic check that your application/CV is truthful and opportunity for a previous employer to flag a problem. That is routine, often handled by HR, and you don't need to ask in advance. The other type is asking for someone to actually provide a positive and detailed recommendation, and you should ask the person in advance and be confident that they're going to be positive and helpful. A neutral reference isn't a problem when the prospective employer is expecting that, but if you offer a person as someone who will provide a properly supportive reference and instead they just say "Yes, they work here. I can't provide additional information" then it can be concerning.

You need to be careful that she doesn’t give a lacklustre reference to jeopardise your chances. I’ve personally know this to happen twice.

@Waterhorse46 It's a compliment.

Sounds like a compliment to me, she is saying that if you leave it will be a loss to the place you work just now.

Eh? It's a compliment!

It’s a compliment - she doesn’t want to lose you. If you think that’s a criticism and inappropriate, no wonder you think everything is a criticism or belittling remark. Have more faith in yourself and don’t go looking for criticisms which probably aren’t there or are, at most, constructive feedback.

Generally, though, you shouldn’t tell your boss you’ve applied for another job, unless it’s a different role in the same organisation. They will only check the reference if you are their top candidate after interview and the one they intend to hire unless the reference check throws up a red flag, by which point you basically have the job already.

Good luck with your application.

It’s clearly a compliment. Perhaps you’ve misread all the scrutinising too if you’ve taken this the wrong way as if it’s offensive.

Anyone else surprised by the amount of wet wipes here on mumsnet? In what world is this hurtful? No adult would ever take this comment as hurtful.

I think I probably have. I’m very sensitive. It’s pathetic and I’m working on it.

She means it a compliment - ie that if you get another job, she’ll be sorry to lose you. Surely you understand that?

I’m wondering whether some of the ‘scrutiny’ you feel you’re subjected to is down to you misinterpreting things.

It's not pathetic at all. Good for you for recognising it's a self esteem issue and trying to work through it. At least now you can be reassured after posting here. Best of luck with the interview.

Can you give us some examples of the kind of scrutiny etc you've been under?

First, why did you tell your manager tou put her as a reference before the interview took place. I would never do that.
Second you should only put HR as the reference.
Third, read up on reference legalities. They can't give you a bad reference unless tou actually have done something wrong or yoh can basically sue them.
I really would not have told my manager I am going for an interview, thats madness.