My life is a mess. Please no judgement.

[CompletelyEffedIt]

I have absolutely fully fucked up. I’m a long time poster with a name change.

I have been in a horrible relationship for 8 years.
Domestic violence, financial abuse, general treating me poorly. I have a child. I haven’t left due to poor self esteem. We are now more like flatmates.

In the past year or so my self esteem has massively improved. I have started volunteering, lost weight and started looking after myself.
I finally had the confidence to go out with my friends around 4 weeks ago and stupidly gave my number to a guy.

We have met 4 times. I said I was single with no kids as it was an escape for my horrible life at home but I like this man. He likes me. He’s been taking me on dates and actually can hold conversation.

Me and my child’s father haven’t been together properly for about 2 years. I have no outstanding trauma and live my life pretty much as a single woman.
I know what I have done is wrong. And everyone in this scenario is gonna end up hurt.

Please can someone advice the best way to go about this, I know I’ve fucked up, I know I’m an idiot.

You've only known him a month and met him four times. It's not a huge deal. Tell him what's actually happening, he can then choose to walk away or not. He probably will walk away, but it's not going to destroy his life.

Finish with him.

Tell him you're a married woman and apologise profusely for leading him to believe you were available.

Don't date again until you've finished your marriage and moved out.

I’m not married.

Leave the arse that you are living with asap and no harm done.

I want to leave my horrible ex. I don’t want to be with him.

That'll be of little comfort when you lied to him about being single with no kids.

No point in splitting hairs here OP.

Leave come clean about your child you need to tell him the truth.

I would question your statement that you have no outstanding trauma. You haven't been out of this relationship that you describe as awful and abusive so how would you fully know? Take this as the push to leave that relationship and don't take this new man along for that ride. I mean that kindly. Continue to explore who you are outside of a relationship first. For you and your child.

Edited to correct spelling

But the trigger is meeting the new guy? It is a mess. The only way to fix it is to come clean to the new guy, then try and leave your partner. New guy might not be interested but you need to leave anyway.

Bouncing between men and relationships isn’t great OP, especially if you’ve been in a DV relationship.

I would take a step back and start to think about your child. You need to:

1. find a way to safely end your relationship.

2. have time single to focus on your son and regain your independence. I would suggest at least a year single.

Your son will have seen a lot, he needs support and quality time, to be put first.

It’s been 4 times, just end it and focus on leaving your ex.

Tell him the truth and let him decide. You've fucked up a bit, that doesn't make you a fuck up but you obviously need to make some changes and get out of your current relationship. You're worth more so be kind to yourself x

Some people need a lifeboat partner to be able to get off a sinking ship.
This man you have met might only be temporary relief, but he might wake you up to the fact that there is a different way to live your life.
Life is so short, don't waste it.
Millions of women leave abusive relationships, there is help out there.
Just think how different your life could be.

End it with the new guy and be honest about why. He might understand and want to keep a friendship, or he might not want to see you again. Either way this is a lie you need to come clean about before any more time goes by.

Then leave your partner and work on building your life up. Hopefully meeting the new guy has given you some confidence that you can meet someone else. And who knows, if he’s willing to maintain contact after you’ve come clean. Perhaps he’ll want to give it a try when you’re in a better place.

What should she do about the kids?

Your relationship with this man is based on lies, it is not going to end well. Tell him you're struggling with your mental health at the moment and need to end things. Then sort out your current situation properly before you do anything else stupid.

I think I’m going to do this.

I know I can’t continue to lie.
I don’t want to either.

I know I can leave now.

Astonished at most of those replies. You don't owe fidelity to someone who has been violent & abusive to you. And telling you to leave just like that is horrifically ignorant.

Find a way to leave safely and I would urge you to think carefully about telling the man you're living with that you've met someone else. The most dangerous point in an abusive relationship is when the woman tries to leave, so be very careful.

Speak to womens aid & refuge for advice. You need an escape plan to help you end the relationship safely.

Do you have a friend or family member who can support you through leaving?

You haven't done anything wrong, stop beating yourself up.

You’re not single…

Here are the links for Refuge & Women's Aid:

https://refuge.org.uk/
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

They both have pages with advice about how to leave an abusive relationship safely.

https://www.ncdv.org.uk/non-molestation-order/
This is an organisation that can provide free emergency restraining orders. Make sure you get one with powers of arrest included (which means if he breaks it he can be arrested) and specify that it must include any new address or phone number of yours, this is to ensure he can't find where you're living afterwards.

You've finally found the strength to leave and that's wonderful.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. It happens. Be upfront with the new guy. Dress it up if you have to.
just say it’s a complex situation so you don’t usually tell people you’re casually dating but as you’re growing to like each other you want to be honest that you live with your ex as flatmates and share a child. I doubt he’ll care much tbh!

Has he asked you about children, and you’ve stated you do not have any? Or you’ve omitted to let him know that you are a mother/he hasn’t asked?

Oh also if he’s abusive like you say just be careful as he’ll get jealous of a new relationship. Otherwise, fuck him! Enjoy!

Agree. Nip it in bud before it becomes much bigger. He might understand why you did it.