Page 2 | My life is a mess. Please no judgement.

CompletelyEffedIt · 2025-10-05T17:58:45+00:00

I have absolutely fully fucked up. I’m a long time poster with a name change. I have been in a horrible relationship for 8 years. Domestic violence, financial abuse, general treating me poorly. I have a child. I haven’t left due to poor self esteem. We are now more like flatmates. In the past year or so my self esteem has massively improved. I have started volunteering, lost weight and started looking after myself. I finally had the confidence to go out with my friends around 4 weeks ago and stupidly gave my number to a guy. We have met 4 times. I said I was single with no kids as it was an escape for my horrible life at home but I like this man. He likes me. He’s been taking me on dates and actually can hold conversation. Me and my child’s father haven’t been together properly for about 2 years. I have no outstanding trauma and live my life pretty much as a single woman. I know what I have done is wrong. And everyone in this scenario is gonna end up hurt. Please can someone advice the best way to go about this, I know I’ve fucked up, I know I’m an idiot.

AnyoneWhoHasAHeart · 05/10/2025 20:03

MousseMousse · 05/10/2025 19:46

Astonished at most of those replies. You don't owe fidelity to someone who has been violent & abusive to you. And telling you to leave just like that is horrifically ignorant.

Find a way to leave safely and I would urge you to think carefully about telling the man you're living with that you've met someone else. The most dangerous point in an abusive relationship is when the woman tries to leave, so be very careful.

Speak to womens aid & refuge for advice. You need an escape plan to help you end the relationship safely.

Do you have a friend or family member who can support you through leaving?

You haven't done anything wrong, stop beating yourself up.

She’s in a relationship. She has a child. And she’s lied to the OM about both.

I’m not going to judge someone who is in an abusive relationship and ends up having an affair. It’s easy to do that, but it does happen, and all too often it’s meeting someone else which highlights why someone needs to leave.

But although she’s referred to her partner as “my ex” if you read the OP, she says “we’re more like flatmates” and “I haven’t left”. So she’s talking about her ex to the extent that even people on here are referring to him as such, when he’s not.

And the OM deserves to know that or to be left to find someone who is available.

And denying the existence of your kids is horrifying.

I mean come on, if a woman said here that she’d met a bloke and found out he had kids after he’d told her he didn’t, what would people tell her? “Wait till he’s left his partner and then see”? No. The lying about a partner is one thing. Clearly this relationship does need to end, and assuming the OP follows through it’s possible he could look past that.

But how many people on here could look past a man saying he didn’t have kids when he did? Be honest.

OP you need to leave this relationship, but you also need to ask yourself why you have denied the existence of your children. Denying the existence of your partner is one thing esp if he’s as horrible as you say he is. But denying that you have kids when you do isn’t understandable on any level, s you need to ask yourself and maybe work through why you felt the need to do that.

Wallywobbles · 05/10/2025 20:04

You could use this guy to leave. Leave and then date but get a fucking move on. But you do need to tell him you have a kid.

Dippythedino · 05/10/2025 20:06

Finish both elationships especially the first one and start again with a clean slate. Make sure your contraception is 100% & ideally don't sleep with anyone during the transition period if you can. The last thing you want is an unwanted pregnancy with either man.

Contact woman's aid and ask advice on how to leave your current relationship safely given you have a violent partner.

Original poster

CompletelyEffedIt · 05/10/2025 20:06

Because it wasn’t meant to be a long time thing. It was just an escape. I didn’t want to be me, the mum with debt and a horrible home life.

OP posts:

MousseMousse · 05/10/2025 20:09

AnyoneWhoHasAHeart · 05/10/2025 20:03

She’s in a relationship. She has a child. And she’s lied to the OM about both.

I’m not going to judge someone who is in an abusive relationship and ends up having an affair. It’s easy to do that, but it does happen, and all too often it’s meeting someone else which highlights why someone needs to leave.

But although she’s referred to her partner as “my ex” if you read the OP, she says “we’re more like flatmates” and “I haven’t left”. So she’s talking about her ex to the extent that even people on here are referring to him as such, when he’s not.

And the OM deserves to know that or to be left to find someone who is available.

And denying the existence of your kids is horrifying.

I mean come on, if a woman said here that she’d met a bloke and found out he had kids after he’d told her he didn’t, what would people tell her? “Wait till he’s left his partner and then see”? No. The lying about a partner is one thing. Clearly this relationship does need to end, and assuming the OP follows through it’s possible he could look past that.

But how many people on here could look past a man saying he didn’t have kids when he did? Be honest.

OP you need to leave this relationship, but you also need to ask yourself why you have denied the existence of your children. Denying the existence of your partner is one thing esp if he’s as horrible as you say he is. But denying that you have kids when you do isn’t understandable on any level, s you need to ask yourself and maybe work through why you felt the need to do that.

Show quote history

Deleted because I read OM as original man when I think now you probably meant Other Man (?)

Dippythedino · 05/10/2025 20:11

I understand it's difficult but the best thing to do now is to get some counselling and step back from dating. You are in an abusive relationship now so you're not in the right place to start another relationship. You're vulnerable and more likely to attract a similar abusive partner.

Do the freedom programme and get some counselling to rebuild your emotional health.

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/&ved=2ahUKEwjyko2q4Y2QAxWvV0EAHdnjMUMQ-8cEegQIDhAJ&usg=AOvVaw0jDIAnuiXCdCZK1XCFEiI

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Sassylovesbooks · 05/10/2025 20:13

You are involved in a DV relationship, still live with the man and have a child. You may be living a separate life but you aren't really separated. You've met another man, but you've lied to him. You need to find a way to leave your ex, so that you are completely separated and therefore single. Another man in your life is the very last thing you need. End it with the new man, because he's not going to be best pleased you lied and I doubt he'll stay with you. Lying is hardly a good basis for a solid relationship. Stay single for at least a year after you leave your ex. Concentrate on yourself and your child. Heal emotionally. After a year, look at dating again, you'll be in a better place.

JLou08 · 05/10/2025 20:18

I'm really happy for you that you have found your confidence ❤️ If this is the first man after an abusive relationship it may not have gone anywhere anyway so don't get to held up on the mistake. Come clean with him and see where it goes. Please make sure you are aware of healthy and unhealthy relationships and red and green flags. I don't want to be patronising but so often women can end up in another abusive relationship if they aren't alert to the signs. Abusive men can come along and love bomb giving women what they need until they get their feet under the table and show themselves. It is best that you focus of a fresh start for you and DC right now anyway before jumping into anything serious.

BrightLightTonight · 05/10/2025 20:45

You need to finish with him, then get your life sorted. Make your ex partner move out, and then rebuild your life with confidence

Cucy · 05/10/2025 20:50

First things first, get rid of the new guy and delete all trace of him and forget about him.

Then make a plan of how to end your relationship.
Do you have your own money, friends/family you can stay with it etc?

StewkeyBlue · 05/10/2025 21:07

Your priority is to leave your horrible home life.

If this little adventure has given you some vision, hope and motivation to rescue yourself that is all for the good.

Just be honest and don’t mess him about. You could be completely truthful and tell him you were trying out a different life and you are very sorry to have misled him.

Time to sort out your life. You can’t put your child through this any more. Or yourself.

Schoolchoicesucks · 05/10/2025 21:22

Forget about the new guy for now. Tell him you're not in the right place for a relationship right now.

Make a plan for how you are going to properly separate from your ex. You say he has been abusive to you so please seek support yo be able to do this safely. Women's Aid and Freedom programme have been suggested.

Once you are settled, then you can see whether the guy is still interested, but please focus on your and your child's safety and building a good support network and friendships first. If you have been in an abusive relationship previously, you are vulnerable.

Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself · 05/10/2025 21:22

CompletelyEffedIt · 05/10/2025 20:06

Because it wasn’t meant to be a long time thing. It was just an escape. I didn’t want to be me, the mum with debt and a horrible home life.

I'd tell him this.

Say when I met you I thought it would be just for some no strings fun so I said I didn't have kids as a bit of escapism due to a difficult last relationship I'm still fully extricating myself from. But the truth is I do have a child. Then I met you again and realised I liked you and it was stupid if me to have lied about something so important. I understand if you don't want to continue seeing me, but I felt you deserved honesty.

Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself · 05/10/2025 21:23

To add - a friend of mine met a guy and was dating him for months before he told her he had a son. She was shocked but got over it. It was different though as he only saw his kid once a month or so due to location.

GloryFades · 05/10/2025 21:32

It’s really not a big deal, you’ve essentially made a friend, albeit on false premises.

I would “break up” with the guy saying you have personal stuff going on, don’t want a relationship right now but you’re enjoyed your time with him then block him. Hopefully you’ve spent a few mutually enjoyable dates together and it’s helped to give you the confidence to leave; that’s all a good thing not a huge mistake.

Then you need to focus getting you and your kids safe, away from your current partner and make sure you’re all emotionally healthy.

The you can go back out into the dating pool with the confidence you’ve done it before, and this time you can do it openly and honestly and - if you want to - start new relationships with healthy foundations.

Simplestars · 05/10/2025 21:37

Ypu can't just create a fake life to mess around with someone's feelings.

Just break up and sort your split.
Then after you have settled look for a new partner.

What you are doing is lying no matter how you dress it up.