To feel like these childcare arrangements are unfair

[moofish]

DS is 8 and has severe autism, is nonverbal and has a lot of challenging behaviour. I split up with his dad when DS was 2.

This is the arrangement we've had for the last 6 years:

I have DS Monday, then Tuesday I have him until ex finishes work, usually between 530 and 6pm he comes to get him. Then he keeps him that night then all of Wednesday and Wednesday night because he doesnt work on Wednesdays. Then Thursday morning he brings him back to my house at 7:30am because he starts work at 8. So when DS is at school im basically providing free wrap around care for ex I look after DS until his school transport arrives/from when transport brings him back until ex finishes work. I also provide DS lunch for school and pack his bag with spare clothes and nappies etc, brush his teeth and hair etc every day except wednesdays (Well i dont think he brushes his teeth in the morning then either tbh)

We alternate weekends so the way that works is Friday after school DS comes to mine then either like on Tuesday ex will pick him up between 530 and 6pm, and keep him until 11am the next day saturday then i have him from then until tuesday evening. OR he doesnt have him Friday night but will get him at 11am Saturday and have him for the weekend until he brings him back at 7:30am monday for me to get him on the school transport again i provide his lunch pack his bag etc.

So this works out he has him 3 or 4 nights a week meaning to him its 50/50 and hes never paid a penny of maintenance however in terms of actual hours of having DS clearly i do more, on weeks i have him at the weekend he has him 55 hours and I have him 113 hours. And weeks he has him at the weekend he has him 82 hours and I have him 86. Only Wednesdays and every other sunday do i not have DS at all.

Sick days (of which there are many due to sons many medical and behavioural issues) i have him unless its Wednesday. School holidays he never had him extra at all until the last 2 summer holidays when he finished work a bit earlier on a Tuesday so would get him around 2pm then instead of 530-6pm.

Every year ex has holidays abroad where i have DS for the week. Whereas hes never had him for more than 3 days in a row and has only done that 3 times ever in his life. He almost never will take him an extra day to help me out. Whereas ive taken DS extra days to help him out countless times over the years, many times when ex was ill, his girlfriend was ill, his mum in hospital, holidays, gigs he wanted to go to etc.

I do all dealings with school. Im the only one who does his personal grooming like cutting his hair and nails and washing his hair (he might wash it if there's poo in it or something but not routinely).

So ive been a bit fed up of this for a while especially because ex also doesnt appreciate anything i do and can be quite nasty to me, talks down to me a lot, clearly thinks hes superior to me, often makes comments about how I dont have a job (how could I around caring for DS?). I also have a 1 year old DD now too (different father) who im raising completely by myself and I get no help from family or anyone. So its been a struggle since she was born dealing with them both but i still always have DS the same as usual.

Ex has now gone away on holiday for the week again and this time id asked him to postpone it because ive been not feeling well, son has also been ill and off school for 2 weeks so im exhausted from that, DD year old also just had her vaccines and has been extremely grumpy. So im not having a great time and felt like i wasnt sure i could cope with a whole week with both kids by myself right now. Anyway he just ignored me and went anyway. And despite originally agreeing he would give me some money for the week (he never has in the past but I asked this time as i knew it would be more difficult for me with a baby too) he has not sent me any. He also told me he wants me to not text him at all the whole time hes gone he doesnt want to hear me complaining about DS behavior he just wants to enjoy himself and pretend hes not a parent basically. And as usual was rude and talked to me like im a worthless servant.

So basically im just totally sick of the imbalance and also being treated with zero respect but im not sure what to do about it as any time ive pushed back a bit and told him i want things to be more fair or at least have more respect for me he just gets angry starts being really nasty and starts threatening to stop having DS altogether

Your DD (unless he is the father) is irrelevant.

Your childcare arrangement doesn't sound fair. I would suggest one week at your then one week at his, swapping Sunday evening 6pm as a starting point, then the two of you sit down with a neutral party to negotiate a better arrangement.

Is it time or money you want/need?

Realistically he could say I’m having ds once a month and you would have to suck it up.

Having ds after work and dropping him off the next day isn’t in the spirit of CMS but I’m guessing that ds could have sleep issues because of his autism so this overnight helps you? If you push back and get him to do the moral thing, he could just not have ds at all which would mean a CMS payment for you but based on what I’ve read about sleep and children with autism on here, you could be shooting yourself in the foot. If ds sleeps fine then ignore this point.

You need to realise that he doesn’t respect you and never will. You should be respected but I’m guessing that his attitude contributed to the end of that relationship. As hard as it is, you need to work out the least crappy option and try and maintain that. If that’s 3 overnights then be smart and don’t risk losing that.

YANBU to feel exhausted and
fed up.

If you stopped doing the wrap around care which resulted in him not having DC during the week you would at least get maintenance, would that actually be preferable to you?

If he goes away and you never get to then presumably it isn’t 50:50 and you could claim via CMS anyway?

this sounds all very complicated and messy and must be confusing for DD.

could you not set up a much simpler arrangement? one week he, one week you? What is your working schedule?

If it's not 50/50, you should claim via CMS.

Is the school transport part of the issue that results in the "wrap around care" that you provide? I assume they will only collect from and return to one address, which is yours.

It does all sound very imbalanced considering the 50:50 though. I hope you can find a resolution.

Sorry but why would anyone moan about halving there child .more I would have been devastated to divorce and only have my child 💔 like that complain if you like but he may take your son more and then you would owe him maintenance..or just refuse to take your son atall .. having him before and after school is not wrap around care that's just being his mum .the only thing which I agree is unfair .is the holiday thing .yes he should give you a week like you give him

Oh OP that sounds exhausting. Im guessing there are some complicating features.

Can school transport happen from both addresses or does he need to be with you to be picked up and dropped off.

What is your preferred way forward. Do you want more time for yourself or to be properly compensated for what you do on "his time"

Normally a parent is responsible for their own childcare so if he needs to pick up late on a Tuesday and drop early on a Thursday you should be compensated as he would need to pay childcare were it not for you.

If he isnt covering half the holidays then its not 50/50 and I think you could ask for maintenance to account for the hours.

But of course if he chooses to be difficult he can.

Id start by working out whether your preference is more free time or more compensation and go from there.

For the school transport yes it only is to and from my address however ex only lives a 10 minute drive away

The arrangements are definitely unfair so like pp said you need to weight up which would help you more- money or the overnights. If he’s self employed then be warned that he can use accounting tricks to minimise his income.

Why?

This is an autistic child with severe difficulties. There is considerably more work (and usually a lot less sleep) involved than with a healthy neurotypical child; e.g. did you spot OP’s reference to washing poo out of the 8 year-old child’s hair? He’s nonverbal; how do you think he communicates? Hint: he won’t just be pointing and smiling sweetly.

OP is likely completely knackered and there’s no end in sight.

It doesn’t sound fair at all. But I am not sure if that’s the right question. How would you like things to be? Is there any realistic chance of making any changes? How can you get a break for yourself? How are the arrangements working for your DS - Is he happy?

I think i would rather just he doesnt have DS on the Tuesday and Friday evenings anymore as it seems pointless when hes basically just going there to sleep it doesnt do me much of a favour and id rather have some money, also seems less stressful for DS not having to go back and forth so much. Ex is not self employed he has a good job he enjoys gloating about how much money he's got although I dont know the exact amount he earns

It's not fair. It's absolutely rubbish, but tbh there is very little you can do. Dad's can and do just walk away. You can ask him to do more, but ultimately I think you are stuck because if he walks off altogether you'll be in a much worse situation than you are currently.

I'd maybe try and look to the positives where possible. You get a few evenings and overnights each week, many single parents don't, particularly those with children with additional needs. You get every other weekend. You get Wednesday. It's not fair, but you are in a better situation than many. There's maybe some comfort in that!

Realistically he is definitely not going to have DS more, he's made several comments lately about how he needs more."me time" hence this holiday plus said he "feels like hes been living for someone else for 8 years and wants more independence back" (isn't that just being a parent?)

Tell him you aren’t able to accommodate the after school on Tuesday and Friday anymore and he’ll have to collect either from the school or be outside your home for the school drop off.

He may well then say he’s not having the overnight anymore which is fine with you.

This is an extremely complicated childcare arrangement. For your autistic son, it must feel like he is here there and everywhere. I think it needs looking at so that you are both doing something different - none of this couple of hours here and there stuff. It must be so very difficult to plan your life!

School transport should drop off to his house assuming it is in the same general area - he may need to get a different taxi those days but this is what I would be pushing for in the OPs situation.

It’s a tough situation but you need to separate out the things really.

Your DD and the fact you are a single parent to her, and the challenges that brings, are irrelevant really because that isn’t his child.

Focus only on your son, what is best for him
& what works for everyone that way. I agree with others I don’t think there’s any great point in the few hours here & there, although I know that works for some families it’s a lot of faff for not much actual time.

Agree to him having more him time. Then claim cms.
Can you find a babysitter your dc can get to know and have them over to help? . Use the cms money.

How much child free time do you get from your ds? Not including your dd? How many hours do you both work?

He wont agree to paying me cms hes extremely stingy, even when we were together he would complain about having to pay most of the bills and called me a leech even though I did 95% of the childcare and housework and also made a little bit of money on the side making stuff to sell on etsy after DS was asleep

Call his bluff on every level then. His days are his days. He picks DS up from school or he doesn't have him. If you're happy to have DS those days then great. Plus then it won't be 50/50. He doesn't have to 'agree' to pay CMS. Just open a case with them and they'll take it at source of they have to.

Cms isn't optional. They can take it from his wages...

This arrangement doesn’t sound fair on your DS
school transport should be to / from DS home. Which means daddy should ask for transport from / to his house on relevant days.

its not fair on your DS to come to you for a couple of hours and then sleep at his dad’s house.

if your ex wants his life back and he decides that is what he wants, you have no influence. So don’t waste time trying

See where he lands. Insist DS goes straight to dad on his days. claim CMS

if dad sacks it off then might be easier.

work up a relationship with a local babysitter. This will be more helpful in the longer term.

clearly i do more, on weeks i have him at the weekend he has him 55 hours and I have him 113 hours. And weeks he has him at the weekend he has him 82 hours and I have him 86. some of these hours he is at school though.

It’s very hard work and often unrewarding and thankless looking after a child with needs. Unfortunately it’s also very unfair. The reality is that you need to look at what you really want and if that’s CMS (which might pay for some additional respite care or other help in the house) then will your ex still maintain his current hours or will he drop them?

Do you currently get respite? If not, sign up so that you can get some. If your ex does want to maintain his current hours and it really doesn’t work for you then you can go back to negotiating them. Ultimately you need to make sure it’s what is best for your DS as well.