To feel like these childcare arrangements are unfair

[moofish]

DS is 8 and has severe autism, is nonverbal and has a lot of challenging behaviour. I split up with his dad when DS was 2.

This is the arrangement we've had for the last 6 years:

I have DS Monday, then Tuesday I have him until ex finishes work, usually between 530 and 6pm he comes to get him. Then he keeps him that night then all of Wednesday and Wednesday night because he doesnt work on Wednesdays. Then Thursday morning he brings him back to my house at 7:30am because he starts work at 8. So when DS is at school im basically providing free wrap around care for ex I look after DS until his school transport arrives/from when transport brings him back until ex finishes work. I also provide DS lunch for school and pack his bag with spare clothes and nappies etc, brush his teeth and hair etc every day except wednesdays (Well i dont think he brushes his teeth in the morning then either tbh)

We alternate weekends so the way that works is Friday after school DS comes to mine then either like on Tuesday ex will pick him up between 530 and 6pm, and keep him until 11am the next day saturday then i have him from then until tuesday evening. OR he doesnt have him Friday night but will get him at 11am Saturday and have him for the weekend until he brings him back at 7:30am monday for me to get him on the school transport again i provide his lunch pack his bag etc.

So this works out he has him 3 or 4 nights a week meaning to him its 50/50 and hes never paid a penny of maintenance however in terms of actual hours of having DS clearly i do more, on weeks i have him at the weekend he has him 55 hours and I have him 113 hours. And weeks he has him at the weekend he has him 82 hours and I have him 86. Only Wednesdays and every other sunday do i not have DS at all.

Sick days (of which there are many due to sons many medical and behavioural issues) i have him unless its Wednesday. School holidays he never had him extra at all until the last 2 summer holidays when he finished work a bit earlier on a Tuesday so would get him around 2pm then instead of 530-6pm.

Every year ex has holidays abroad where i have DS for the week. Whereas hes never had him for more than 3 days in a row and has only done that 3 times ever in his life. He almost never will take him an extra day to help me out. Whereas ive taken DS extra days to help him out countless times over the years, many times when ex was ill, his girlfriend was ill, his mum in hospital, holidays, gigs he wanted to go to etc.

I do all dealings with school. Im the only one who does his personal grooming like cutting his hair and nails and washing his hair (he might wash it if there's poo in it or something but not routinely).

So ive been a bit fed up of this for a while especially because ex also doesnt appreciate anything i do and can be quite nasty to me, talks down to me a lot, clearly thinks hes superior to me, often makes comments about how I dont have a job (how could I around caring for DS?). I also have a 1 year old DD now too (different father) who im raising completely by myself and I get no help from family or anyone. So its been a struggle since she was born dealing with them both but i still always have DS the same as usual.

Ex has now gone away on holiday for the week again and this time id asked him to postpone it because ive been not feeling well, son has also been ill and off school for 2 weeks so im exhausted from that, DD year old also just had her vaccines and has been extremely grumpy. So im not having a great time and felt like i wasnt sure i could cope with a whole week with both kids by myself right now. Anyway he just ignored me and went anyway. And despite originally agreeing he would give me some money for the week (he never has in the past but I asked this time as i knew it would be more difficult for me with a baby too) he has not sent me any. He also told me he wants me to not text him at all the whole time hes gone he doesnt want to hear me complaining about DS behavior he just wants to enjoy himself and pretend hes not a parent basically. And as usual was rude and talked to me like im a worthless servant.

So basically im just totally sick of the imbalance and also being treated with zero respect but im not sure what to do about it as any time ive pushed back a bit and told him i want things to be more fair or at least have more respect for me he just gets angry starts being really nasty and starts threatening to stop having DS altogether

We dont get respite, you dont really just "sign up" for it, ive asked social services for support and they did as assessment and gave us nothing. I think maybe the fact that we both get time off from DS already when the other has him made them decide we dont need respite from them. I also tried to get a PA for a few hours a week and was rejected for that too. Its pretty shocking how terrible services are especially in my area

if you go through CMS its not up to him to agree. It's not a voluntary agreement. You already said he is employed.

Are you on mat leave just now? What's the plan for when you return to work? How did you manage things when you were working?

No im on benefits i had to give up working when I had my son due to his high needs. He didnt start school until he was almost 6 as it took ages to get a SEN school sorted but hes off sick so often I just cant see how I could work really, and now I have a 1 year old too, im hoping to return to work at some point but doesnt seem possible any time soon

How do cms know how often he has DS though surely he can just lie to them?

I get respite and in Surrey it is a signing up situation, although admittedly it comes with the need for a referral (from a school linked family support worker in my case). Have you asked the school if they can advise how to go about it? As you say, it could be that you aren’t deemed eligible due to shared care but it’s worth asking. It’s not much that we get but even just the odd few hours helps.

Not sure how that works - I haven't used them but surely someone here will know more.

Would you be happy for him to have DC more regularly so you can return to work? I think this is what I would do. Find a way to get back to employment.

Poor child that you refer to being a mum as wrap around care!
Sounds like you struggle with things most would do with ease, SEND children mean you need to put on your big girl pants and be the parent they need not moan about it.

Well youre quite rude and ignorant if you think having a severely autistic child is something "most people could do easily" you clearly dont have a child with severe autism and don't know what you're talking about, but for what its worth im not even really complaining about having to take care of my child its more the fact that my ex gets to live his life on his terms, have a career, he now owns his own house, has savings, goes on holidays etc. And im stuck on benefits with no way to improve things for myself and my children because I have to arrange my life around his job and things he wants to do and on top of that he talks to me like crap and doesnt pay any maintenance. Im complaining about my ex not my son. But hope your little comment made you feel good about yourself

You've not got a clue have you?

What a horrible, spiteful comment. Have you heard the poem "Welcome to Holland"? It's about having a disabled child. There is an alternative for parents raising children with autism called "Welcome to Beruit" because raising a child with autism is like being in a war zone. Did you miss the bit about him being non verbal? The bit about providing nappies for when his father has him? He's 8 year old and in nappies.

My children have high functioning autism and are verbal and relatively able. Ive still had several breakdowns raising them, attitudes like yours don't help at all.

I'm assuming you are in receipt of DLA higher rate for your child? Just be aware that your ex could ask for half if he wanted to be picky

what is your point???

Erm exactly what I said of course!
If money is an issue and ex is known to be mean and OP applies for maintenance, ex is likely to apply for a share of the DLA

How can the ex ask for half when he isn’t doing half the care or even providing what he should on his days?

I can assure you he can ask. My sister's ex did in similar circumstances.

Yes i can imagine him doing that hes made threats to do so before

Start keeping meticulous records of where dc is and when. Add in appointments etc and who takes him.. Keep a diary of how much sleep you get. And how much care dc actually needs and gets from YOU..
When my dc moved full to with me exh refused to surrender benefits. I applied anyway and had to show who had ds when.. I could. Unlike exh. He thought his word would be enough.. It really wasn't.. Possibly take a date stamped (phone) photo every morning /evening. Print off if necessary..
Honestly op fight dirty. Honestly but go for it.

And actually exh did make a counter claim. I emailed my local MP.. Benefits were allocated to me within a fortnight..

Yeah, that is totally not the spirit or the reality of 50:50 meaning no maintenance from either side. He either really does 50:50 or you claim CMS. And that is before you think about him talking down to you.

suggest you go week about and see where it goes from there.

It’s not true shared care so you can apply to child maintenance