Page 3 | To think friendship groups kinda suck, you can never have say 8 or more people that equally like each other

Lipglosser · 2025-10-04T23:21:13+00:00

There's always groups within groups and duos and trios and then they all switch around with various allengences and alliances And various mini fall outs There's always at least a couple of people at that dont like each other, there's snidy comments, talking about others in the group when they are not there, one upmanship, competition even when we'll hidden you can see it There is usually a queen bee/leader A couple of main bootlickers to the main leader, a,psmknow as the leaders bitches The odd one that doesn't really seem to wanna be there A couple that are a bit lonely and are willing to do anything just so they have some friends Even if these friends are shitty Whoever wrote motherland fot it so spot on Far far prefer one to one's or small groups say 4 Large groups There's so much falseness

Original poster

Lipglosser · 07/10/2025 17:14

Somnambule · 07/10/2025 16:54

Think you and your friends need to grow up a bit.

They are not my friends, which you’d see if you read the thread, to me they are just acquaintances

my friends are the people I love and Trust and enjoy spending time with and there’s actual real connection

OP posts:

DingDongJingle · 07/10/2025 17:16

Lipglosser · 07/10/2025 17:14

They are not my friends, which you’d see if you read the thread, to me they are just acquaintances

my friends are the people I love and Trust and enjoy spending time with and there’s actual real connection

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And some people have that with wider groups.
It’s fine to start a discussion about something you’ve experienced. It’s weird when you suggest that anyone who has had a different experience is lying/deluded/must be the ‘queen bee’.

Original poster

Lipglosser · 07/10/2025 18:33

DingDongJingle · 07/10/2025 17:16

And some people have that with wider groups.
It’s fine to start a discussion about something you’ve experienced. It’s weird when you suggest that anyone who has had a different experience is lying/deluded/must be the ‘queen bee’.

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It’s pretty pathetic to reply with think you and your friends need to grow up though isn’t it

it’s not really adding anything to the discussion at all and infact just comes across as shallow and bitchy
and lacking of substance which kinda proves the point

OP posts:

DingDongJingle · 07/10/2025 19:01

Lipglosser · 07/10/2025 18:33

It’s pretty pathetic to reply with think you and your friends need to grow up though isn’t it

it’s not really adding anything to the discussion at all and infact just comes across as shallow and bitchy
and lacking of substance which kinda proves the point

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Yeah, I agree. It’s also pathetic, when someone replies with a different view point, to tell them that they must be the problem themselves if they haven’t experienced what you have. None of that is discussion, it’s just mud slinging.
Some large friendship groups are as you describe. Some aren’t. Both experiences are valid.

ClairePledger · 07/10/2025 19:39

Lipglosser · 06/10/2025 10:23

Yes I agree with the majority of these comments, esp in the fact when the group are all together, the talk tends to be more surface level, also you notice that when talking in a group some people will be listened to more, some will even be spoken over more, some will get alot of eye contact, and even on group chats there will be some that everyone fawns over and If they say something there will be loads of replies, or reactons and others make comments its tumbleweed
It's so obvious
I just don't get why people want to spend time with others that they don't like or don't like them just to be part of the group

Recently was invited to join a group of school mum friends in renting a cottage, and having a few nights away, what's been suggested, is a cottage in the middle if nowhere, doing a food shop and booze shop, and taking a load of books

Fucking hell, sounds dreadful, I can picture it now, too many people stopping off on the way to tescos or somewhere, people having to compromise on what food to buy, then even people getting the hump that others having done as much as in the cooking and cleaning,there will be some that want to stay up really late chatting, and maybe disturb others, and as for paying to sit around reading in company, sounds totally shit, waste of time and waste of money
A thousand other things I'd rather do

Of course ive said no to this,
There's people in that group that actively dislike each other
And will make digs at each other and even though its not directed at me, makes me really uncomfortable.
I suspect I might well be a
Adhd, or slightly on the spectrum, and people being authentic and real is a must need for me

Lol at this shit still happening in care homes tho!

TOTALLY agree with the comments you’ve made here OP -

I’ve observers this since primary school - some people get MUCH more recognition in a group while others are marginalised one.

I was like this with my old school friends around 1998 - I was the marginalised one - so I removed myself from the group. I didn’t then send Xmas cards cos I mean well what’s the point? But it’s strange - when I ‘pulled back’ I then got a Xmas by one of the ‘respected’ people in the group saying “we must meet up for a drink”!

but why did she ignore me when I was genuinely part of the group?

if anyone can answer this question I’d be grateful I find it baffling

ClairePledger · 07/10/2025 19:45

CoffeeCantata · 06/10/2025 12:13

It’s definitely a thing! Hierarchies again.

The very slightly bullied woman in my choir mentioned to me that another woman always picked on her. I hadn’t particularly registered it until then but once she pointed it out - wow! The little snide put-downs, always with a smile, the undermining disguised as concern, the never failing to point out her little mistakes to the group etc. it was very subtle and tbh, I think the mean woman herself would probably have been surprised if a video had been played back to her - it was a cumulative thing.

It’s rather depressing!

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Aw I’ve seen this so many times and totally ‘get’ it.

can you give an example of undermining disguised as concern ?

is there anything about the slightly bullied woman do you think that might make her an easy target for bullies ?

ClairePledger · 07/10/2025 19:50

CoffeeCantata · 06/10/2025 07:59

Should add: I don’t observe this in my small friendship groups which are very longstanding. They’re all lovely people and we’re not interested in being competitive or putting each other down.

Where I do see it is in hobby groups, where although I like everyone to some extent and some people a lot, so the group hasn’t been entirely my choice, iyswim. Now there I do see people being occasionally a bit catty and there’s definitely an ‘in crowd’ of superior beings and someone who gets all the digs. I am not in the in-crowd and I stick up for the ‘victim’, btw. It’s all very middle class and subtle and if it was seriously nasty I would leave, but it’s not. (it’s a choir of about 12 ). The sort of thing I mean is: some people are ‘allowed’ to be late, or to miss a rehearsal and that’s spoken of with earnest respect, but with others there’ll be a disapproving eye-roll and an implied ‘tut’. Very subtle stuff.

I totally get this.

where I used to work in the mid 2000s - there was one ‘respected’ guy and another woman who, I felt, if they down a work social it was totally respected but if I turned a works do down I felt my reasons weren’t totally believed or it was implied I was rude. !! Such double standards - I hate this !!

CuckooPond · 07/10/2025 19:55

Lipglosser · 07/10/2025 18:33

It’s pretty pathetic to reply with think you and your friends need to grow up though isn’t it

it’s not really adding anything to the discussion at all and infact just comes across as shallow and bitchy
and lacking of substance which kinda proves the point

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I think what emerges from your posts is that you’re not very good at friendships, and are trying to make yourself feel better about it by deriding group dynamics and disbelieving people who have completely unproblematically larger friendship groups.

HappyGolmore2 · 07/10/2025 19:58

OP, those aren’t really friendship groups or not what would recognise as one anyway. I have several large friendship grps and we all get on well. No fighting, no falling out, no drama… just support and fun. Lots of fun. And. If it wasn’t fun I wouldn’t be in the group!

ClairePledger · 07/10/2025 20:01

CoffeeCantata · 06/10/2025 07:59

Should add: I don’t observe this in my small friendship groups which are very longstanding. They’re all lovely people and we’re not interested in being competitive or putting each other down.

Where I do see it is in hobby groups, where although I like everyone to some extent and some people a lot, so the group hasn’t been entirely my choice, iyswim. Now there I do see people being occasionally a bit catty and there’s definitely an ‘in crowd’ of superior beings and someone who gets all the digs. I am not in the in-crowd and I stick up for the ‘victim’, btw. It’s all very middle class and subtle and if it was seriously nasty I would leave, but it’s not. (it’s a choir of about 12 ). The sort of thing I mean is: some people are ‘allowed’ to be late, or to miss a rehearsal and that’s spoken of with earnest respect, but with others there’ll be a disapproving eye-roll and an implied ‘tut’. Very subtle stuff.

Also when I was in primary school there were twins with very strong personalities. There was another girl - Ellie - who was popular and in primary Ellie and the twins gravitated together.

just before primary school ended the popular Ellie told a teacher that she wanted the unpopular ME to be in the same class as her in school! I was very surprised by this and although I was glad not to be on my own in high school I felt that Ellie saw me as a soft touch and this whole thing in some way didn’t sit easy with me.

When we started high school the strong personality twins went off with a different set of friends they’d known from before from another primary feeder school - I feel this was the reason Ellie made sure she was paired up with me in high school.

the twins weren’t criticised at all for going ‘off’ the main group whereas the year after starting high school I lost a lot of weight - went from the fat primary school kid to a normal size 13 year old. I got so much criticism for this from Ellie who called me anorexic etc .. just because I’d had the ‘audacity’ to lose weight whereas when the strong personality twins acted ‘independently’ they were given a free pass !

just for context Ellie was fat. I

DollydaydreamTheThird · 07/10/2025 20:11

FruitFlyPie · 05/10/2025 00:26

I totally disagree. Yes 8 people won't all be equal best friends, but that doesn't mean there will be falling outs, Queen bees, drama, allegiances and bootlickers (!?). It just means exactly that, some people might be closer friends than others and there's nothing wrong with that.

Agree with this. I've been friends with my group for over 20 years and we've never fell out about anything. We don't live in each other's pockets though. I think that's the problem with some female friendships groups. Having to know every little thing that is going on in each other's lives. I find it really odd. Obviously there are some I'm closer to than others.

KaleidoscopeSmile · 07/10/2025 20:35

CuckooPond · 07/10/2025 19:55

I think what emerges from your posts is that you’re not very good at friendships, and are trying to make yourself feel better about it by deriding group dynamics and disbelieving people who have completely unproblematically larger friendship groups.

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Bingo

Original poster

Lipglosser · 07/10/2025 21:54

Well if you think simply adding you and your friends need to grow up,
adds much to the convo, then not much more to add really

OP posts:

CoffeeCantata · 07/10/2025 22:47

ClairePledger · 07/10/2025 19:45

Aw I’ve seen this so many times and totally ‘get’ it.

can you give an example of undermining disguised as concern ?

is there anything about the slightly bullied woman do you think that might make her an easy target for bullies ?

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The faux concern which was really undermining…lots of tiny things, cleverly under the radar!

The mean woman would say something like: “Oh - are you finding that bit difficult? Shall I try and sing along with you to help you?” This sounds like nothing but the bullied woman was actually a better sight-reader and singer than the other - it’s as if she just HAD to put her down.

The bullied lady is (being blunt here for brevity - I don’t judge people for these reasons myself) slightly older, a bit frumpy and has a regional accent. On first meeting she might appear a bit slow but she’s really not. She was a senior nurse and she’s highly musical. The bullying one is fashionable, smart, attractive and has probably always seen herself as a cool girl.

once you start to notice, it’s definitely a thing but craftily subtle.

Maddy70 · 07/10/2025 23:11

They don't have to all like each other. They di have to be civil in each others company but they don't have to be joined at the hip

ClairePledger · 08/10/2025 07:40

CoffeeCantata · 07/10/2025 22:47

The faux concern which was really undermining…lots of tiny things, cleverly under the radar!

The mean woman would say something like: “Oh - are you finding that bit difficult? Shall I try and sing along with you to help you?” This sounds like nothing but the bullied woman was actually a better sight-reader and singer than the other - it’s as if she just HAD to put her down.

The bullied lady is (being blunt here for brevity - I don’t judge people for these reasons myself) slightly older, a bit frumpy and has a regional accent. On first meeting she might appear a bit slow but she’s really not. She was a senior nurse and she’s highly musical. The bullying one is fashionable, smart, attractive and has probably always seen herself as a cool girl.

once you start to notice, it’s definitely a thing but craftily subtle.

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Ah thanks for clarifying!

I’ve been on the receiving end of this kind of thing and it’s f**king horrible!

LilyCanna · 08/10/2025 08:18

OP, I totally believe that you’ve seen those dynamics play out in more than one large friendship group, but why did you bother posting in AIBU? You asked if YABU to think that it’s impossible to have larger friendship groups without bitchiness and power plays. But your response to everyone posting that actually they’re in a large friendship group without those issues is that they’re lying or must be the Queen Bee themselves.
Sometimes I think people only post in AIBU because MN doesn’t have an IANBU section. Maybe it should get one.

CaptainMyCaptain · 08/10/2025 08:29

You don't all have to like each other equally surely. You can get together on some occasions and meet different friends or different groups or individuals from the group on different occasions. I don't think it's healthy to rely entirely on one group.

CoffeeCantata · 08/10/2025 09:40

ClairePledger · 08/10/2025 07:40

Ah thanks for clarifying!

I’ve been on the receiving end of this kind of thing and it’s f**king horrible!

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It's terribly hard to combat this kind of thing. I've also been on the receiving end and it's so, so subtle. The perpetrator is often completely able to look all wide-eyed and declare they don't know what you mean! The were only trying to help etc etc.

And it's never apparent to other people, so you're very much on your own. I think I'm pretty well-tuned to mean behaviour but I'd genuinely not clocked what was going on between these two until the 'victim' pointed it out to me. Then I saw what she meant.

I'm not into hierarchies but some people are - they absolutely NEED to feel that they're part of an elite group, whether it's the best singers in the choir (asked by the conductor to sing certain bits of the music) or just one of the eternal cool gang. Sigh. It's an unpleasant but universal aspect of human interactions.

I mean - I'm not perfect. I do sometimes THINK I can do something better than someone else, but it stays a thought and does not translate into behaviour (or at least deliberate behaviour!).

ClairePledger · 08/10/2025 12:35

CoffeeCantata · 08/10/2025 09:40

It's terribly hard to combat this kind of thing. I've also been on the receiving end and it's so, so subtle. The perpetrator is often completely able to look all wide-eyed and declare they don't know what you mean! The were only trying to help etc etc.

And it's never apparent to other people, so you're very much on your own. I think I'm pretty well-tuned to mean behaviour but I'd genuinely not clocked what was going on between these two until the 'victim' pointed it out to me. Then I saw what she meant.

I'm not into hierarchies but some people are - they absolutely NEED to feel that they're part of an elite group, whether it's the best singers in the choir (asked by the conductor to sing certain bits of the music) or just one of the eternal cool gang. Sigh. It's an unpleasant but universal aspect of human interactions.

I mean - I'm not perfect. I do sometimes THINK I can do something better than someone else, but it stays a thought and does not translate into behaviour (or at least deliberate behaviour!).

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aw the wide eyed innocence is so annoying !!

The other thing I noticed is around 2003 there was one woman in work EXACTLY as you describe. Interfering in my conversations then totally ruining the nuance - if you see what I mean.

Then one day I had enough and pointedly blanked her. She turned to another colleague and said about me

“IS SHE ALRIGHT?”

The mutual colleague immediately made up another reason for me blanking her - like work commitments etc iits as if “the princess’ feelings mustn’t be hurt” whereas other people - me, realistically, are fair game

PinkPanther57 · 08/10/2025 12:40

ClairePledger · 08/10/2025 12:35

aw the wide eyed innocence is so annoying !!

The other thing I noticed is around 2003 there was one woman in work EXACTLY as you describe. Interfering in my conversations then totally ruining the nuance - if you see what I mean.

Then one day I had enough and pointedly blanked her. She turned to another colleague and said about me

“IS SHE ALRIGHT?”

The mutual colleague immediately made up another reason for me blanking her - like work commitments etc iits as if “the princess’ feelings mustn’t be hurt” whereas other people - me, realistically, are fair game

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Don’t confuse popularity with power as your colleague sounds a bit scared here.

Your response was good & easier said than done but I think calling out this behaviour the right response. It’s tough when it’s subtle like the under dog in the choir.

PinkPanther57 · 08/10/2025 13:12

CoffeeCantata · 08/10/2025 09:40

It's terribly hard to combat this kind of thing. I've also been on the receiving end and it's so, so subtle. The perpetrator is often completely able to look all wide-eyed and declare they don't know what you mean! The were only trying to help etc etc.

And it's never apparent to other people, so you're very much on your own. I think I'm pretty well-tuned to mean behaviour but I'd genuinely not clocked what was going on between these two until the 'victim' pointed it out to me. Then I saw what she meant.

I'm not into hierarchies but some people are - they absolutely NEED to feel that they're part of an elite group, whether it's the best singers in the choir (asked by the conductor to sing certain bits of the music) or just one of the eternal cool gang. Sigh. It's an unpleasant but universal aspect of human interactions.

I mean - I'm not perfect. I do sometimes THINK I can do something better than someone else, but it stays a thought and does not translate into behaviour (or at least deliberate behaviour!).

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I think it does need to be called out. Is humour the answer - I feel wit re: choir underdog may work well but not everyone equipped.

It’s about hierarchies e.g. the ‘fat friend’. I’ve observed, notably still very overweight woman losing weight ‘OMG you look like a famine victim - you are SOO thin’. ‘Fat friend’ replies ‘My goal weight 50kg’ & noticeably thinner/toned friend’ replies - deadpan not bitchily - ‘Oh but I weigh that, be real’.

Also much more subtly a hobby group christmas lunch where all have dressed up a bit, a couple of alpha types compliment all bar one. Not even noticing doing it. If the outsider & it stings - do you say anything & what do you say?

BusySittingDown · 08/10/2025 13:26

You're probably right but it depends on the group.

I'm in a group of 8 and we were all at school together. They're all lovely, there's no "Queen Bee" as such but there are people within the group that are closer to each other, which is understandable.

It's an absolute bugger to get all 8 of us together at once, some of the group aren't as "available" as others and when things get planned often aren't able to make it. There are some members of the group that I have seen recently, some members of the group I haven't seen for months! Hence you end up being closer to certain people, I think, because you're not able to see the others as often.