Feeling overwhelmed but not sure if I ABU

[annoyedasf]

I’m struggling a bit and would appreciate some perspective.

My husband is a good man in many ways. He works hard, full time from home, and he’ll often mow the lawn on his lunch break, do DIY jobs, fix things around the house and put a load of washing on. He does all the cooking because he’s always mocked my cooking, and we take it in turns with bedtime. He also walks the dogs a few times a week.

But when it comes to actual cleaning, he barely does any. He’ll occasionally run the hoover round if it desperately needs doing, and might clean a bathroom once or twice a year if I ask — but that’s about it. I do all the rest: dusting, bathrooms, general cleaning, tidying, laundry, sorting clothes, etc. It’s a lot.

We both work — him full time, me full time during school hours — but between work, nursery runs, cooking for our child, then us, washing, tidying, bedtime, and trying to keep the house running, there’s just no time left. I often feel like I can’t even do simple things like put my own clothes away without having to “ask” or justify why I’m disappearing upstairs for 20 minutes.

Tonight I went upstairs to do some laundry, put clothes away, and take my makeup off — and he said, “You disappeared.” It’s like I’m supposed to announce every move I make.

What’s frustrating is that if he wants to do something (DIY, workout, etc.) he just goes and does it. No discussion, no guilt. But if I want to get things done, it’s like I have to make sure it fits around him and our child. I end up leaving everything until she’s in bed, by which point I’m exhausted.

I also can’t help but notice lately that he spends a lot of time on his phone. Earlier I heard our daughter calling him repeatedly — 7 or 8 times — to look at something she was doing, and he completely ignored her because he was watching videos. I don’t think he realised I was within earshot. It’s becoming a bit of a pattern.

He’s a good dad and partner in many ways, but I’m starting to feel like we’re not a team anymore. He says he “copes by joking” and I’m “too sensitive” if I take offence — but sometimes his “jokes” feel like little digs or put-downs. I’m just feeling worn down and like my needs or time don’t matter as much as his.

AIBU to feel like this isn’t fair? Is this just how things go when both people work full time, or is he being a bit selfish? I’m not looking to slate him, I just feel overwhelmed and unsure what’s normal anymore.

Difficult to vote as you've talked about separate things.

I'd take doing all the cleaning and never having to cook / think about what we are having for our meals every day of the week as a very good deal.

I do all the rest: dusting, bathrooms, general cleaning, tidying, laundry, sorting clothes, etc. It’s a lot.

I mean, is it ? I read it as you having 1 dc, still too young to be doing outside activities, and you presumably would have said if you had other commitments (caring for a relative or something), so two parents looking after the household and one child doesn't sound overly exhausting.

You say he works FT and fits in things like cutting the grass and some DIY in his lunch break, but you work school hours. So you work quite a few hours less over the week, or month ?

Ignoring his dd doesn't sound great. Perhaps have a chat about that?

The 'disappearing upstairs' and him complaining you didn't tell him sounds a bit odd all round - but just a bit of a lack of communication. I'd laugh if dh considered me to be 'lost' whilst still in the house. But equally, I wouldn't sit down in the evening until after I'd finished those sorts of things, so he wouldn't miss me, or I wouldn't be 'leaving' to go and do something generally,. However, if I did, I'd say, as I was leaving the room "Just going up early as I've got some thing to put away" or "I'm off for a bath" or "Think I might read in bed for a bit", I wouldn't just walk out once we were sitting down together.

@CarpetKneesi work 2 jobs, one is school hours (8-3) 5 days a week, then I have a few hours in the evenings to do my other job to fit around family life. I probably work more hours than him to be honest!

I’ve tried talking to him about his phone use around DD, but he doesn’t see the issue, or gets annoyed.

Maybe it’s not to some but to me I find it overwhelming, I’m working 2 jobs a day, childcare and all the housework in a big house, I find it quite stressful if I’m honest.

Can you get a cleaner at all? To take some of the load off

You said he does all the cooking. But then you say you do all the cooking.

Does “full time during school hours” mean that you only work term time? If so, you’re being a bit unfair. You only have 1 child so how much tidying, laundry, cleaning can there be?

What do you in your lunch breaks? He mows the lawn.

No I don’t work term time, I work 8-3 5 days a week then a few hours each evening. I cook for DD he cooks for us, sorry should’ve made that more clear!

Cant afford a cleaner sadly, that would be the dream!

You're working too much. Why are you doing the evening job? Is it going to allow you to earn more in the future? If not, drop it. I'm assuming your husband earns more than you by the way you write. You are unlikely to change the cleaning dynamic (I say this from bitter experience) and can't afford a cleaner so the best thing is to give yourself time to do it.

Why do you cook separately for your daughter? Could you not all sit down together for a meal, then that would be one less chore for you.

Living with someone who mocks your cooking would be too much for me. Constant criticism is wearying even if he then cooks.

I'd forget to wash /iron his laundry. He can do it himself. And the next time he complains you disappeared I'd just shrug. You aren't a poodle on a leash.

Prioritise the things that matter to you - a clean bathroom, safe kitchen, hoovered bedroom. And have a hard stop at 7pm. After that, no work. It's your time to spend as you wish.

If he complains, say you're tired and fed up. Don't offer anything more. He needs to step up or shut up.

You’re so right. I am royally fed up and need to give myself a break!

My second job allows me to earn more to afford days out & holidays, yes it’s hard work but without it I couldn’t afford to do nice things with my daughter. I don’t earn much doing it but it pays for a holiday once every 18 months and the odd day out.

Yes he does earn more, more than double but he pays a lot more for the house & bills

I mean, your 2nd and 3rd posts are giving completely different information from your first post, which is what people will have answered. So, YABU to change the story when you don't get the answer you are hoping for.

Stop cooking separately for your child, one less job. Even if you and him eat later, he just cooks a bit more and save it for the next day for your child. I thought he was doing laundry on his lunchbreak? Why are you doing it as well? These are all daily tasks he is doing. Dusting, hoovering and bathroom isn't daily. Who is doing the food shopping? If he is doing it you can whizz round most of these while he is shopping.

How has my story changed?

She eats at 5, when he is still working we eat later. He will chuck a wash load on at lunch, I then sort it that evening. I do an online shop. Hoovering is absolutely a daily chore in my house with 2 golden retrievers 😂

Okay so you have two big dogs and a young child. These are all responsibilities you chose. You also work a lot. He does a lot around the house and so do you because you have 3 dependents.

Maybe that's the problem. You need to remove the dogs and just have jobs and a child. Without the dogs, you can definitely afford a fortnightly cleaner.

Could you sit down with him, explain how your feeling, and discuss and draw up a division of chores that you are both happy with?

The “going missing” thing is just odd. Explain to him how it’s making you feel. He might think he’s “joking” but the acid test as to whether it’s a joke is - who is doing the laughing. If the person telling the joke is the only one laughing then it’s not a joke, it’s their minimisation of their own bad behaviour - trying to establish plausible deniability.

We have a similar set up in that DH works from home full time and I work nursery hours 4 days a week. I do all the cooking and most cleaning and laundry and manage kids' appointments etc, he does a bit of laundry (mostly putting stuff away) and most of the DIY and garden, and the weekly food shop, we have 2 DC (5 and 2). It's busy but I think we divide up the load fairly evenly and neither of us feels like it's unfair. It sounds like your DH just isn't very nice to you and you're not on the same page re phone use and free time for each of you, so I'd have a discussion with him about those issues and decide between you if you really need to be working evenings. Imo little kids don't really need expensive days out and holidays, they just need time with you.

Save a portion from your tea of a night to give to her the next day. Only needs heating in the microwave then. Absolutely no need to cook twice. That's just unnecessary work you are making for yourself. All the clean up after too.

Unless the dogs are new then the daily hoovering must be the norm? I'm guessing it's only downstairs? Get a robot vacuum?

If he puts the laundry on and you put it away that seems fine, you are putting away one load a day and he is cooking tea? I wash and put away a load every day and it doesn't take very long.

This all seems really normal to me.

Bathrooms, mopping and dusting - just leave it and do it together on a weekend?

Or he doubles up on what he cooks and on the nights you eat leftovers then a job in the house can get done?

Some of your list isn't an every day activity, who dusts every day for example?!
Likewise any DIY can't necessarily be done after bedtime as surely it would be noisy.
Maybe he needs to be more considerate and say what he is planning on doing, and also needs to get off his phone but the rest doesn't seem that imbalanced.

So is it the imbalance you don't like, or is it the constant little digs and belittling? If he's missing you in the evenings, then dump the second job and tell him he needs to stump up more for holidays.
You are struggling, so something has to change. Do you share finances fairly? Is he saying these things because he's frustrated at never seeing you in the evenings, or are you avoiding him because he's negging?
I can't tell what's what tbh.

If you really want to get to the bottom of "fair", you should look at how much time his jobs are taking versus yours. If he is working from home, he should be doing the lion's share. He has an hour at lunch where he can do more than just now the lawn occasionally. I work from home and get a lot done in the half hour after I've eaten, and also in the time I would have been commuting.

No one I know has an hour lunchbreak. 20-30 mins is pretty standard for everyone I know.

He cooks so you should clean, you sound extremely lazy, poor bloke.

I’m not sure working 2 jobs, doing most of the child care, and running a large house plus life admin is being extremely lazy but each to their own I guess.

Do you need to be doing the two jobs though?
You say it brings in extra money for days out and a very occasional holiday. I would look at dropping this.

How are finances shared in your household?

At the moment with cost of living, yes I do need it. The bulk of my main wage goes on bills, food, nursery costs etc, my second job pays for anything unexpected and things like swimming lessons for my daughter. We rarely have a day out, and have the odd UK holiday every 18 months.