Feeling overwhelmed but not sure if I ABU

[annoyedasf]

I’m struggling a bit and would appreciate some perspective.

My husband is a good man in many ways. He works hard, full time from home, and he’ll often mow the lawn on his lunch break, do DIY jobs, fix things around the house and put a load of washing on. He does all the cooking because he’s always mocked my cooking, and we take it in turns with bedtime. He also walks the dogs a few times a week.

But when it comes to actual cleaning, he barely does any. He’ll occasionally run the hoover round if it desperately needs doing, and might clean a bathroom once or twice a year if I ask — but that’s about it. I do all the rest: dusting, bathrooms, general cleaning, tidying, laundry, sorting clothes, etc. It’s a lot.

We both work — him full time, me full time during school hours — but between work, nursery runs, cooking for our child, then us, washing, tidying, bedtime, and trying to keep the house running, there’s just no time left. I often feel like I can’t even do simple things like put my own clothes away without having to “ask” or justify why I’m disappearing upstairs for 20 minutes.

Tonight I went upstairs to do some laundry, put clothes away, and take my makeup off — and he said, “You disappeared.” It’s like I’m supposed to announce every move I make.

What’s frustrating is that if he wants to do something (DIY, workout, etc.) he just goes and does it. No discussion, no guilt. But if I want to get things done, it’s like I have to make sure it fits around him and our child. I end up leaving everything until she’s in bed, by which point I’m exhausted.

I also can’t help but notice lately that he spends a lot of time on his phone. Earlier I heard our daughter calling him repeatedly — 7 or 8 times — to look at something she was doing, and he completely ignored her because he was watching videos. I don’t think he realised I was within earshot. It’s becoming a bit of a pattern.

He’s a good dad and partner in many ways, but I’m starting to feel like we’re not a team anymore. He says he “copes by joking” and I’m “too sensitive” if I take offence — but sometimes his “jokes” feel like little digs or put-downs. I’m just feeling worn down and like my needs or time don’t matter as much as his.

AIBU to feel like this isn’t fair? Is this just how things go when both people work full time, or is he being a bit selfish? I’m not looking to slate him, I just feel overwhelmed and unsure what’s normal anymore.

Do you pool your money for your household and child expenses, or are you yet another mother who uses all her salary on the child whilst the husband chips in a share of bills and spends the rest of their salary on themselves? 🙄

You are saying 'I' need it.
You also said he earns more money than you and that this goes towards the bills and the house. You also say you pay the bills? Which is it?

Are you both living beyond your means?
Is the financial split fair?

There has been a few contradictions in terms of who does what being unfair, and you also now seen to contradict who pays the bills.

Why don't you have a shared pot both your income goes into?

Also the dogs. When did you get them and who wanted two dogs? They sound like hard work with a young child as well.

I am yet another mother who uses all of her money and husband chips in yes, think you’ve nailed it on the head there

Well this is what needs changing. You are a married couple. Finances should be shared.
You need to go through the budget and look at how much everything costs and then take this from a shared account.

Does he have money left over? I bet you wouldn't need the second job if your finances were shared as a family.

The dogs came before our child.

We both pay the bills, most definitely not living beyond our means 😂

No you’re probably right, he’s very cagey about money, always has been. It’s an issue, but despite talking about it we never get anywhere

Well here's your real issue.
He is cagey about his money and is happy for you to work two jobs (because you have no idea how much he really earns and whether he could be paying for more).
This would be my more pressing concern rather than whose doing more in the home.

Yes you’re probably right, sadly. I’ve tried so many times to have the money chat, but it never goes anywhere, he says he has nothing as it all goes on the house, bills, car etc but I find it hard to believe!

Oh god the financial issue is way way worse than the other stuff. He's not allowed to be cagey, no way. Hey a joint account tomorrow please and take ALL joint costs out of it. Find out his wage, as I have a feeling you don't have a clue. I am now worried for you.

You need complete transparency about finances completely pool it together because you are doing too much this doesn’t sound like a partnership

Wow he's a catch. Lets you work two jobs so you can afford your kids' out of school activities (presumably it's HIS kid too) then complains that you aren't around in the evening because that's the only time you have to catch up on the laundry!
(And criticises your cooking too)
I have a mental picture of him swanning around the kitchen doing cheffy stuff while you do the breakfasts, lunches, shopping, clearing up and boring kids meal prep. If he mocks your cooking and prefers to do it himself then he must actually enjoy cooking. So not a chore, especially if you are doing everything else. Meanwhile he disappears out to take the dogs for a walk.
Dog walking - not a chore. My DH loves mowing the lawn. Loves it. Not a chore.
He's cherry picking all the jobs that he enjoys, leaves you with the boring grind, and doesn't tell you how much money he has. It's time to find out what he earns, what the outgoings are. If he won't tell you, that financial abuse. See a solicitor.

You don't just 'remove' dogs! Have you ever had one? My goodness, they're part of the family, no way!

First red flag for me is he "mocked my cooking" this is not great and something you should not allow.
In my experience many men do little or no cleaning- they just don't see the value in it. On the other hand why on earth would you feel like you need to justify your use of your time? Either A/ you are hypersensitive and paranoid or B/ Your husband asks what you are doing whenever you are not visible- and is therefore abusive. Getting interrogated how I use my time will cause a full blow by blow breakdown from waking up.
The "copes by joking" and "you're being too sensitive" comments are also huge red flags.
TBH the division of labour does not seem hugely unfair- it does sounds as if you need a little help though. The phone issue needs investigation- why is he suddenly spending so much more time on it?

It sounds like he is at least pulling his weight

Give up second job
Joint bank account for ALL household bills and expenses Including swim lessons for child - they're not hugely expensive unless private 1-1s
You'll be less tired and miserable
way more important than a week away with a husband you feel resentful towards

One thing I think you might be missing out is childcare? It sounds like he's doing very little of that. While a school-age child doesn't need constant minding, it sounds like she's still quite young and certainly will need a fair bit of attention still, but it sounds like he's not giving much so you're left trying to juggle other jobs while providing that too, while he sits on his phone.

A fair division of labour would mean you both get EQUAL time to rest/go out/do hobbies/sit on phone or whatever you enjoy, but it doesn't sound like that's the case; and if you're having to do jobs and childcare at the same time, that's also not fair unless he does the same at other times.

Similarly, a fair division of money would mean you're both left with equal "fun"/personal spending money after bills etc, AND ideally equal savings, pension provision etc too (and joint spending too be decided equally between you) - which also doesn't seem to be the case. So it does sound like you are getting a worse deal out of this marriage...

OMG if MY husband did even half of what you say yours does I would gladly do all the cleaning without a grumble! Don't you realise how lucky you are?!🙄

Oops there goes the point sailing right over people's heads.

How do you live together and have no idea what he's earning? Wouldn't you need this info to get mortgage/rent application etc? How have you been living together without any kind of budgeting for house costs?

I can't get my head around this.

This is a miles bigger issue than the cleaning.