To think being estranged from your family should be seen as mature, not shameful?

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Sometimes, cutting off people is growth, not dysfunction. We just don’t like people who don’t conform.

As another who is estranged from some of my family, I wouldn't worry about how it is 'seen' by others. Just live the best life you can.

These are like sound bites that you keep posting

I don't see it as shameful, I feel its weird that anyone would but mature is an odd way of looking at it.

While people who do the the step to go no contact can be making a mature decision it's not the only reason.

Not sure why you're giving it so much headspace? It doesn't matter what other people think and being OK with the assumptions of strangers is maturity

Hmm..it's always about cutting family off but what if family was the one who cut you off? done in order to traumatise & isolate but suddenly you realise, life is good without them, you've finally found peace. Where does that person stand?

Well I would imagine that it would depend upon the reason for the estrangement. I started seeing a man once who was estranged from his parents and his siblings, which I thought was fair enough, and I never asked him why they were estranged because it really wasn't my business. But then it transpired that he was also estranged from his own children, some of whom were still minors. And I started to think that it was a "him" problem not of "them" problem. It wasn't the reason we stopped seeing each other, but it gave me pause.

I wouldn't judge someone if they said they didn't speak to certain family. I would know there had to be a very good reason.

I guess if it was very one sided and your entire family had decided to shun you because of your appalling behaviour, then that could reflect badly on someone.

But I would assume there was a fall out that couldn't be rectified and it was mutually beneficial to no longer communicate. And that it wasn't really my business.

I'm interested in my friend, not their random family members I've never met or spoken to.

I’ve known too many stupid estrangement stories to always see it as ‘maturity and growth’.

You’re right that going no contact can stem from different places, not always maturity. But I do think we still have a cultural tendency to view estrangement as suspect or sad, rather than something that can come after a lot of reflection and self-protection. It shouldn’t matter what people think but in practice, judgement and stigma around estrangement do affect people - socially, at work, even in how support services respond.

That person stands exactly where you said, in peace. And I think that deserves just as much respect.

I agree. You’re not alone @Tonty xx

Every circumstance is different and complex and it’s too simplistic to describe it in blunt terms.

Sometimes it is, but usually it isn’t.

It should be a last resort after every attempt at compromise has failed, not something to celebrate or gloat about.

The people I know with no contact to their families all have issues

Alright Meghan! What's the weather like in California?

@steff13 That's a shame but just what i thought people might think, 'its a you problem, not them'. It's what can happen in toxic families. One parent takes against a dc for yrs and other siblings are manipulated to shun the disliked sibling for not conforming to some ideal. Very sad to then be judged for the lack of contact that they never desired in the first place, infact the reverse is the truth.

Must be lovely but I’m not in California, I just value peace.

Just the fact they are NC must mean there's a backstory, so yes doubtless they have issues, not necessarily of their own making.

Sometimes walking away and giving up on trying to make a relationship work when it's a lost cause must feel empowering,

It's sad isnt it? done for no just reason other than to cause trauma. Usually the dc that doesnt agree with a toxic parent & the one that is able to make something of themself and be independent. The isolation is punishment for them not being tied to the toxic parent.

To others reading, not everyone cut off from their family is the one with 'issues'. Pls find out a bit more why there is no contact before judging that they must be a horrible person.

To others reading, not everyone cut off from their family is the one with 'issues'. Pls find out a bit more why there is no contact before judging that they must be a horrible person.

Amen to that ❤️

Who said it was shameful in the first place?

I don't think it's shameful or admirable. It's just understandable/necessary or not, depending on what your family is like. Of course it's sad though - in most cases it's sad that the person had the kind of family who they felt the need to be estranged from.

I don't think it is shameful, I think it is really, really sad. It is usually a sign of some deep trauma that has gone unresolved or is unresolvable. Neither side can be undamaged and one side definitely won't have been behaving maturely for that to be the outcome.

I fully respect the decision of people to have whomever they want in their lives, but I'm unlikely to think it is anything but very sad that estrangement is the place that they have arrived in.

I’m estranged and in a stranger setting like just idk the hairdresser asking if I was with my family for Christmas or even with acquaintances or colleagues, I just lie and vaguely say yes.

it comes with too much judgement I’ve found to be honest and be like I’m estranged.

No one has to say it outright. You can feel the judgement.

A lot of people are estranged due to being a complete and utter waste of space.