To think being estranged from your family should be seen as mature, not shameful?

[AlertHazelScroller]

Sometimes, cutting off people is growth, not dysfunction. We just don’t like people who don’t conform.

I think it's shameful for someone when there's a huge estrangement in a family. Either someone has overreacted or someone has behaved appallingly enough to deserve being cut off by their family. Recognising that you're better off with without truly toxic people shows maturity, but sometimes people who are estranged from their family are the ones with the problems... It's not always a sign of maturity.

Depends on the context.

Walking away from an abusive environment is mature.

But, as I know in one case, parents scrimped and saved to get the child a good education. He was far better educated then them, mum was borderline illiterate, she wanted better for her son. He basically cut them dead while he was at uni because he felt he was now superior and mixed in different circles. That was shameful.

It depends. I have known of a case which I considered very cruel. Son from a previously happy family (we knew the parents very well, lovely people) married the DiL from hell who very quickly refused to have anything to do with the ILs and turned their son against them. Zero contact for several years, even though the DM had a chronic serious illness. She died without ever seeing or hearing from her son again - or ever being allowed even to see her only grandchild.
I almost wish I believed in hell, so I could think of that evil bitch rotting in it.

@Createausername1970 I agree with you that that is shameful. But do you accept it is also possible for a parent to cut the dc off for no just cause other than cruelty and therefore shouldn't be too hasty to judge for the sake of this minority.

I have zero doubt that cutting my parents out of my life is the right thing for us. If someone wants to judge, that is their problem, not mine. If they do think I’m wrong, then they are clearly fucked up people, or they don’t have the full facts, which means they shouldn’t be judging the situation. I really wouldn’t care about the opinion of anyone like that.

My dad's sister and brother don't speak to each other it's been weird for myself and my cousins they basically just stopped talking. We have no idea why.

I don't know. I have seriously considered going NC with members of my family, and am now glad that I didn't. Every case is different.

Won't all this depend on who is 'judging' you ? If it's friends they will know your side of whatever has happened and the outcome. If it is some random I really wouldn't give it headspace. I know that I have been run down by others (to my children during a nasty divorce) and no contact with ex obviously. They will be spreading their version of the truth out there - i lost some what i thought were mutual friends but I really don't care as it does bring peace. (Children now very much no contact with ex through their choice as they got older).

I agree with pp that it should be an absolute last resort and some people are very quick to do it which in my opinion is very immature.

Yes, I think that’s part of it - people rarely know the full story and often base their judgement on assumptions or what they’ve been told. It’s that silent narrative that can linger, even when you’ve found peace. But like you, I’m realising that peace is worth more than being misunderstood.

As I said, that wasn't the reason that we stopped seeing each other. It gave me pause, but we stopped seeing each other because he was a horrible person. So I would imagine it was in fact a him problem.

To add: if someone doesn't get along with their family of origin and then creates a new family with someone else and doesn't get along with them either, to the point that no one who's related to them wants to associate with them, it's pretty unlikely that they are not the problem. Feels like an Occam's razor kind of thing.

Yes, there's a DIL from hell in our family as well. I hope it doesn't go as far as the situation you have described, but it's heading that way.

@steff13 Sorry, I wasn't referring to your situation at all, i don't even think i saw your post. I was just referring to your comment on my post.

I absolutely do accept that. It's all about context, which I was pointing out to the OP.

It's rarely obvious to the outsider what has happened and each side will have their own recollections about events anyway.

@Createausername1970 Thank you for that. It means a lot.