To think forgiveness is overrated and too often used to shut people up?

[SharpPlumUser]

People say “forgive for your own peace” but let’s be honest, it mostly benefits the person who hurt you.

I don’t believe we have to forgive but if we don’t forgive then we need to move on for our own peace of mind.

It’s fine to not forgive someone and then cut them out or distance yourself from them but holding grudges to people who are in our lives often is unhealthy and not going to make for a peaceful non toxic life.

Example, someone cheats on us, cut them out and don’t forgive but do the self work to get over it.

Well unless you’re stalking them, blackmailing them, or threatening them with revenge, they’re probably not affected in the slightest by your feelings. But you are.

What people probably mean is that they don’t want to hear about it anymore. They’d like you to forgive for their peace of mind, as well as yours.

Forgiveness is hard though. Sometimes it takes a life time of practice.

Do you want to share what happened op?

Forgiveness is massively healing if you can do it. But it can be a journey rather than a destination and I get that in some cases it's not possible.

Forgiveness can be very liberating for the forgiver. It stops them living under the shadow of, or being defined by, whatever was done to them. However I don't think it's something you can necessarily choose. It might take years of inner work before you feel you can 'let go'.

Whether it benefits the other person or not depends very much on the circumstances.

My case I hate and will never forgive a 2 managers who put me through hell and back
I very nearly walked off a train platform because of it. The only one left still test me like shit - you know why I do, I be polite. I only answer when spoke to. I don’t engage otherwise Theybdau something to me which is wrong I tell them That’s not correct.

But I’m the one carrying the shit if what happened to me. I hate the person. Does this affect the person. I will never know. So now I have to move on for my own sanity. The person will never change.

Forgiveness is something you can do for yourself, without any benefit at all to the person who has wronged you. You can forgive them in your heart, without having to tell them about it. Unless it is someone you still want in your life, in which case it is of benefit to both of you(but more so to yourself!). Holding a grudge is pointless, self-harming and achieves nothing.

You can move forwards in a way that works best for you and for your future. You can heal and move on. I don’t think that has to be forgiveness, it’s self preservation.

I think too often people think that not forgiving means you're living with a huge grudge that impacts your life when that's not necessarily the case.

I will never forgive my brother for assaulting me, however a couple of people seem very confused by the fact that I also don't give a shit about him. I don't think about him day-to-day, or even month-to-month.

It's perfectly possible to not forgive, but have peace within yourself and not care.

YABU.

Forgiveness is great as long as it's genuine. You can't force it.
Forgiveness is hugely out of fashion. So weird thread to start.

You don't have to forgive or forget. If someone has caused you pain, cut them out of your life. People have hurt me that I still speak to, I say I've forgiven them, for myself, but if they hurt me again, they will be cut out my life without any words. So no you don't have to forgive, but you do have to do something for your own peace. It's your life.

I agree. Usually women. We’re encouraged to be kind and forgiving, and generally accept being repeatedly shat on. This is often presented as a virtue. It’s bollocks.

It depends what you mean by “forgive”.

I agree that no one should be pressured into forgiving someone who has profoundly hurt them to keep the peace.

But I do think holding onto anger at someone ultimately does you more harm than the person at whom the anger is directed. It is ultimately positive to get to a point where hatred for someone consumes you.

I think there is a difference between forgiving someone and making peace with what happened, for your own sake. My husbands family are truly awful people, i have forgiven and forgiven and forgiven, the only ones who benefited from this forgiveness was them, not me. It made me angry, bitter and resentful. They have gone to far this time and there is no mercy, no forgiveness from me. It is what it is and its a shame, but no i wont forgive.

I disagree. I do forgive people for my own peace and it works well. I wouldn't be happy if I was holding a grudge and carrying hate and resentment.

Forgiving someone and letting go of a situation/person that hurt you to move on are two different things. There are some things that just can never be forgiven, but that doesn't mean you have to hold on to the hurt it's caused. I will never forgive my ex partner for what he did to me and my son - years of abuse. But I have moved on from it. I will never speak to him ever again, and my son (now an adult himself) has now reached the same conclusion. Holding on to a person or situation that is hurting us is like holding on to barbed wire...it's going to keep hurting until you let go! I'll never forgive him, but I had to let go and forget about it in order to heal from it and be happy. I came out of that with the most amazing son and we have the best relationship, we're happy. And I totally agree, forgiving is more for the person who hurt you and you don't have to do that if you don't want too. You don't have to forgive to find your own peace either. You just need to let go and move on from it, you will find your happiness there.

Forgiveness is one of the great Christian virtues (and probably in lots of other religions too). It's admirable and something we should all aspire to. How does carrying a grudge help anyone?

I agree that forgiveness is hugely beneficial to the person who committed whatever the offence was - means they can forget about it and move on with the blessing of their victim and wallow in the glow of that instead of feeling like the shit they are and probably always will be.

I suppose from the victim’s point of view forgiving is better than being eaten up with bitterness or vengeance or hatred. But I don’t think a victim should ever be put under any pressure to forgive or understand when they have been wronged, and personally I would understand and indeed support any victim who refused to indulge their attacked with either of those things.

There is an alternative to carrying a grudge vs forgiveness and thats realising that other peoples behaviour has nothing to do with you.

Often forgiveness is pushed so that the bully can feel better about themselves and set up the narrative that what they did wasn't so bad.
Hand it back to them and walk away

The worst people are the ones that hurt you and then accuse YOU of holding a grudge when you try and raise the matter with them . Very manipulative to treat people like shit and then twist it back onto them .

I think people often don’t understand what forgiveness means. It’s making peace with the fact that someone did a terrible thing and letting it go because it does no one any good to cycle back through that pain all the time. It doesn’t mean pretending it never happened.

I have a family member who did a terrible thing and they are constantly on about forgiveness (and what a terrible person I am for not forgiving them). What they mean is, they’re angry I’m being so difficult, that I haven’t just gotten over it and pretended it never happened. I, however, have a lot of compassion for the chaos and dysfunction in their life. I understand why they did what they did. I understand why they seem unable to change.

But it doesn’t mean I want them in my life. It doesn’t mean I’m going to just pretend it’s all fine and have no boundaries. I can have compassion for someone, but I won’t pretend their behaviour is healthy, nor want it in my life. Any forgiveness is for my benefit, not theirs.

I can forgive people in my personal life.What they did is usually more caused by their own trauma and poor coping skills than anything else.

I cannot forgive two people who caused me huge trauma by abusing their professional position and acting like a sociopath. Everyone should behave professionally at work. There should be no emotion involved.

I have a family member who did something terrible to me too and they are constantly trying to justify what they did. They are not even sorry so there is nothing to forgive but in my mind it's ok. They can go on being angry and bitter that I don't accept what they say and I don't want anything to do with them but for me it's just a relief to let go and get on enjoying my life without them.

They keep saying things like, one day hopefully I might be able to forgive you... they can't let go of their anger and jealousy. It's not diminished. Even after a couple of years they are still ranting. They are basically demanding that I accept peace. I do. Just not with them.

People use the word to mean different things, which is confusing.

For me, forgiveness means I don’t blame someone for an honest mistake they made, or hold them accountable for hurt they may have caused unintentionally. I find it relatively easy to forgive people who have been tactless, clumsy, or forgetful, for example.

Sometimes I’ll feel hurt or disappointed by a situation, even though nobody has done anything wrong. E.g. say I’m competing in a sports event and my friends aren’t able to be there to support me. There’s nothing to ‘forgive’ here, as I have not been wronged. It’s my responsibility to deal with my feelings about it.

Anything else falls under the category of ‘distancing myself from people whose behaviour I don’t like, and not wasting my energy trying to get them to change or see my point of view’.

This is a lot harder for anyone with serious trauma, and/or for people from families or communities that exert a lot of pressure to put up with all sorts of bullshit because ‘family is everything.’

On the other end of the spectrum, something I see a lot on MN is people clinging on to an absolute refusal to ‘forgive’ something minor that’s hurt their feelings or their pride - like not being invited to a distant cousin’s wedding - because they feel it gives them power and they want people to grovel to them. This always seems like such a fucking waste of life to me.

I’m not sure what is meant by forgiveness. I don’t forgive or forget but I don’t necessarily show this in my behaviour. If someone has done something awful and I have the option of dumping them, I will. But life isn’t always that black and white. The nasty person might be part of a friendship group, or perhaps the partner of someone you do like. In this case I cool towards them and focus on the other people/person. I’m civil but I don’t forgive awful behaviour unless someone apologises and is sorry for it.

I agree Op, revenge is much better.
I occasionally see someone who I got revenge on 30 years ago and I still have a little smirk when I see them.
Yes I know it was probably the wrong thing to do, but it made me feel powerful not powerless.