Answering the phone in the middle of a conversation?

[Tacocatgoatcheesepizza]

No it’s not a big deal, and no we didn’t have a big row about it, I’m just interested to know what other people think.

Yesterday DH and I were in the middle of a conversation (not about anything particularly important) His friend rang and he answered it, even though we were talking. He often does this, even in mealtimes which drives me mad. I think it’s rude and he should just call them back when we’re finished. He thinks he should answer the phone. He was also annoyed because his friend heard me complain that we were talking and he thinks that was rude of me.

YANBU - it is rude to answer the phone, he should just call friend back when we’re done in a few minutes

YABU - it’s ok to take the call as (DH’s argument) you don’t know what they want and it’s rude not not to pick up

During a meal I definitely wouldn't. During a conversation with dh I definitely woupd. So would he. Neither of us would think twice about it or consider it remotely rude. Tbh I'd find it odd to have that kind of formality with a spouse.

I think it’s ok to answer in case it’s urgent.

But the answer should be “Hi Mike, just in the middle of something, is it urgent or can I call you back in 10?”

Or at least let it go to voicemail. Not every call is urgent.

Teenager, so.out and about on public transport. There have been times she has got lost, or is concerned about her safety and wants advice and reassurance.

As I said, most calls aren't urgent, but until I have answered I don't know whether they are or are not.

But urgent is completely subjective. And everyone is such a narcissist these days that they all think what they have to say is urgent.

I go in the basis that (if I ignore the call) if they don’t ring a second time in quick succession, or send a message saying it’s urgent, it’s not urgent. But once you’ve answered most people with still rabbit in while telling you it’s not urgent.

But ok to interrupt his conversation with the OP?

Why do phone conversations have priority over in-person conversations (unless there is a specific reason to think the call is urgent)?

As someone said earlier it’s become normalised to always be available and we have been trained like Pavlov’s dogs to respond to every ding and notification.

I think it’s seriously worrying and is destroying real in-person relationships.

Everyone has the right and the ability to say not now, it’s not important, I’ll get it when it suits me.

If your partner is doing this routinely, it’s sending the message that you are less important than the phone calls, which is not a good sign.

Luckily I don’t have friends like this

I have a teen too and I purposefully don’t always pick up or respond immediately, because she needs to learn to navigate public transport without me instructing her (not hard to read a tube map) and hold her hand every step of the way. If she doesn’t feel safe she would message saying that and I would then ring her back.

I think it’s really important for her to learn that I’m not there on demand and that if she takes a minute or two she can probably sort herself out.

Friends that don’t jump every time you call? Friends that have manners and don’t interrupt the conversation they’re having to attend to you immediately?

Well - OK, then.

I agree. Everyone seems surgically attached to their phone these days.

Hence the 😂. My point being - if you think something is rude, why retaliate with the same thing?

That's great for you.

As DD has had to deal with racist abuse and sexual harassment on public transport (both, thank goodness, taken seriously by the police) I would rather she called me if she feels she needs help.

In general DD finds her way around quite confidently, including unfamiliar routes. But you are obviously a far better parent than me, so crack on! I will continue to answer the phone to DD.

Exactly this. You don't even have to say 'is it urgent', they'll let you know by their response how urgent it is. 'That's fine, no rush, sorry I disturbed you', or 'could you make it some time this morning please' or whatever.

I have loads of phone calls that go 'hi, great to hear from you but now's not a good time, when can I call you back' with no offence taken either side.

Of course this only works if you have the sort of friends who aren't entirely self centred. If you don't, you may have to be more blunt.

Actually this really made me think about me and my phone ...

With my best friend, we'd both happily message other people whilst we're together/mid conversation. Because when we're together it's usually for an extended period of time, and one thing that's special about our friendship is the fact that just being in the same room is all we need sometimes. We become more furniture than people sometimes, hard to explain.

When it comes to phonecalls, the person I'm actually with is always the priority unless it's one of my teenagers. Because they never ring me. So if they do, it's urgent.

Even at work, I'll ignore my work phone ringing no matter who's calling, be it my boss/senior client/bosses boss etc, if I'm mid conversation even if that conversation is with another supplier about who's making the drinks...unless the person I'm with, tells me to answer it.

And meal times are a massive no go zone for phones.

When I was married, I always let my phone ring out if I was mid conversation with DH, he'd answer and say he'd cell them back.

So no, after that long winded post, no I don't think you're being unreasonable.

Don’t be silly. I never said you were a bad parent and I’m sorry your DD has had those experiences, and of course they’re going to colour how you respond.

Doesn’t change that in general, teaching our growing children that we will be there on demand, on tap, at all times isn’t a great idea, and of course is impossible for many working parents who can’t answer calls at the drop of a hat.

Yeah I agree that his friend probably thinks you’re overbearing and controlling, because he doesn’t know your context. He doesn’t know you were in the middle of a conversation, or eating a meal. All he’s done is call his mate for a catch up and he can hear his wife in the background complaining about the fact he called. If the shoe was on the other foot and I rang one of my friends, and when she answered, I could hear her husband grumbling about the fact she’s on the phone, I would find that a bit off.

Generally I think phone calls during a meal are rude. If we were just at home chilling and chatting though and someone rang my boyfriend, I wouldn’t mind halting our convo for him to take the call.

I'm afraid people are fixated by their phones. I arranged to meet a friend for coffee just for a catch up. The conversation was flowing until her phone rang. She wasn't expecting an urgent call. Her grandmother isn't dying, she doesn't work for MI6 and she could see the incoming call was from another friend - Jenny. Did she a) ignore the call until we'd finished our catch up or b) answer but tell Jenny she'd call her back. Nope, she proceeded to have a full 40 minute unimportant, casual chat with Jenny whilst I sat there. It's rude and fucked up.

Because it is a phone, no one sees what is happening. If your partner just stood up mid dinner and went and socialised with person next door, or just stood up mid dinner let the caller in and they then sat at the dinner table turned their backs to you and talked over you people would see it differently.

@ginasevernhow rude and awkward for you. Did she apologise? You’ve just reminded me of that scenario, what is the person waiting meant to do? Find some housework to do to fill in the time? Put the tv on? Go for a run?

I am trying to imagine years ago, growing up, when we had a land line and it rang. If my mum had told my dad not to answer because they were mid conversation he would have been incredulous. That is the funny thing about phones. People ring because they need/want to talk to you.

Thanks. No, she didn't apologise and didn't seem to see anything wrong with it. I think people's phones take priority over everything else these days.

@SilverCamelliathis is the smartphone era. We can turn them off, put them on do not disturb, silent etc etc, we can screen calls, we have voicemail. Very different from an old melamine phone plugged in in the hallway.

Too many variables.

I think it would be interesting to know the age(s) of the people responding. I think older people have completely different relationships with their phones.

I don’t know anyone who would randomly call me for a chat. We don’t chat on the phone, we message/Whats App. If a friend or family member rang me, it would be an emergency and I’d answer immediately. Ditto DH.

As this clearly isn’t the case with your DH and his friends, yes I would consider this rude. It also seems like a weird thing to do. Just abruptly stop talking to someone and start chatting on the phone to someone else.