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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Ex demanding I bring him DD.

27 replies

VenusJupiter · 03/10/2025 20:22

He is controlling and I left him end of July. He has gone to a solicitor to seek access . I'm guessing he claimed legal aid by saying I'm the abuser.. I went no contact when I left and only replied to him when he said he was coming over to collect DD. I replied detailing why we won't be seeing him because he is abusive.

Anyway... tonight he has called nonstop via WhatsApp and has demanded I bring him DD. I will not.

I have had to go for legal advice. It's truly awful. He really is the worst. I have a marker on my address and was seeing WA from the time I was living with him. He is a grade A narcissist with everything he has said and done.

I guess he is having a melt down because he feels out of control, but this is something you can't reason with . He wants it all his way and blames you for everything that you have to end up apologising. Everything is on his terms.
I guess if he starts coming to my door again it's harassment.
Do you know if non harassment orders require attending court and being a witness. Have enough on with the solicitor and I just want to enjoy my 6 month old x

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 03/10/2025 20:26

I think you need legal advice and how to navigate this. He will be able to see his child but how that happens needs to be agreed in court.

Are you breastfeeding? Is there anyone you trust to help with access? Have you informed the police of any abusive behaviour?

CarefullyCuratedFurniture · 03/10/2025 20:35

Block his number for tonight, until you can speak to your solicitor. If he turns up at the door, do NOT speak to him, just phone the police.

VenusJupiter · 03/10/2025 21:02

Yes , have a crime number and marker on address. This weekend I won't hesitate to contact the police.

He never messages calming saying he misses DD, it's just all demands.

He has never asked how she is doing or asked for pictures/videos. It's all just to gain. Power over me and of course not pay maintenance..

OP posts:
VenusJupiter · 03/10/2025 21:03

She's on formula now

OP posts:
FuzzyWolf · 03/10/2025 21:20

This isn’t what you want to hear but nothing you have said is likely to stop him being able to legally have access if that’s what he pushes for.

Perhaps sleep on it and see if you can reach an agreement with him informally.

JFDIYOLO · 03/10/2025 21:24

He is the father and does have the right to see his own child, who has the right to a relationship with him.

But if he is abusive and controlling (and this is clearly about control) then you have a duty to protect her from him.

Givenupshopping · 03/10/2025 21:36

Can I ask how long you were together OP? As if he's been abusive enough to make you leave in July, and your baby is only 6 months old, so was 4 months when you left, I can't help wondering why you had a baby with him in the first place. Did he insist that you didn't terminate the pregnancy, or were you so desperate for a child, that someone who was abusive to you seemed like a good choice?

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but if you hadn't been with him long enough for his abusive side to have shown itself, then you clearly couldn't have known him well enough to think it was a good idea to have a child with him.

Rainbowcat77 · 03/10/2025 21:40

Givenupshopping · 03/10/2025 21:36

Can I ask how long you were together OP? As if he's been abusive enough to make you leave in July, and your baby is only 6 months old, so was 4 months when you left, I can't help wondering why you had a baby with him in the first place. Did he insist that you didn't terminate the pregnancy, or were you so desperate for a child, that someone who was abusive to you seemed like a good choice?

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but if you hadn't been with him long enough for his abusive side to have shown itself, then you clearly couldn't have known him well enough to think it was a good idea to have a child with him.

That’s helpful 🙄so your advice is that Op should rewind time and not have her dd is it?

fruitbrewhaha · 03/10/2025 21:51

Perhaps he didn’t reveal this side of him u til op was pregnant. It’s very common.

I don’t think you can out and out refuse him any contact. Hopefully some posters will come along with experience to help you with your options.

Namechange822 · 04/10/2025 04:07

In your position I would go back to women’s aid for advice about contact for your child.

If he is likely to take it to court, you may well be best offering him some sort of contact (with your child only, not you) so that you come across as reasonable. And so that if he doesn’t accept or doesn’t attend then you have good evidence that he is just using contact as a form of harassment.

Given the risks I think that some form of supervised contact is likely to be most suitable. Is there someone in your family who could supervise? Or is there a child contact centre near you?

Monj · 04/10/2025 04:31

If he is on the birth certificate then on law he is just as much a parent as you are.

Unfortunately him being abusive to you doesn't change your daughter's right to a relationship with him. A court would likely grant him access.

Is there someone like a grandpa or sibling who would be able to facilitate contact for him? You could offer him an arrangement where he can see her for a few hours with a third party, and document if he doesn't show up.

toomuchfaff · 04/10/2025 12:28

tonight he has called nonstop via WhatsApp and has demanded I bring him DD. I will not.

Blocked. Contact through mediation service.

Jellybunny56 · 04/10/2025 12:30

As others have said, abusive to you does not mean he does not still have the right to see his child. You can negotiate over what that contact looks like, but you cannot simply refuse any contact.

DaisyChain505 · 04/10/2025 12:43

Unless there was abuse or neglect against your child from him you can’t stop him having a relationship with your daughter.

You need to separate your relationship with him and her relationship with him.

Someone can he a shit partner and a good parent and you don’t get to play God and decide that your daughter can’t have a father because your relationship wasn’t healthy.

I suggest you get yourself legal representation and advice and start organising custody days with him.

grumpygrape · 04/10/2025 12:49

I’d be inclined to get your solicitor to tell him,
1, to stop contacting you except through your solicitor. Any other direct or indirect communications from him to you will be considered harassment,
2, offer a mutually agreed one or two hour slot per week at a local Contact Centre. At 6 months one hour would probably be reasonable.

If he doesn’t like what you offer, he can take you to Court but you will have it on record you have offered for your child to spend time with him and are the reasonable person.

Family Court will take all things into consideration but at any sniff of abuse towards you, and considering the age of the child, they would most likely support third party supervised contact. I would not suggest offering any of your friends or family to supervise. If he really wants to see his child he will be prepared to pay for a contact centre to do so.

Block him on WhatsApp.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 04/10/2025 12:49

Givenupshopping · 03/10/2025 21:36

Can I ask how long you were together OP? As if he's been abusive enough to make you leave in July, and your baby is only 6 months old, so was 4 months when you left, I can't help wondering why you had a baby with him in the first place. Did he insist that you didn't terminate the pregnancy, or were you so desperate for a child, that someone who was abusive to you seemed like a good choice?

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but if you hadn't been with him long enough for his abusive side to have shown itself, then you clearly couldn't have known him well enough to think it was a good idea to have a child with him.

Nice.
Ignore, OP, this person doesn't deserve a response.

HRchatter · 04/10/2025 12:50

Say no

HRchatter · 04/10/2025 12:51

Monj · 04/10/2025 04:31

If he is on the birth certificate then on law he is just as much a parent as you are.

Unfortunately him being abusive to you doesn't change your daughter's right to a relationship with him. A court would likely grant him access.

Is there someone like a grandpa or sibling who would be able to facilitate contact for him? You could offer him an arrangement where he can see her for a few hours with a third party, and document if he doesn't show up.

Well, he’s not just as much parent as she is he ?
If he wants his daughter, he can get off his arse and come and collect her but I strongly suspect he doesn’t

EuclidianGeometryFan · 04/10/2025 13:24

Block him on everything.
Give him an email address to contact you, and tell him that you will only read and respond to emails that are about arrangements for him to have time with his child. Then mean it. Don't reply to anything else. Save emails in a folder in case they are needed as evidence later. Keep replies very very short, only about pick-up and drop-off arrangements.
Ignore any other communications from him that get through by other means, e.g. any social platform, letters through your door, etc. Don't reply, but save them somewhere for evidence.

If you feel frightened of him, contact CAFCASS about having supervised contact only - but you or he will need to pay for this.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 04/10/2025 13:47

Women's Aid should be able to refer you to people who can give you proper legal advice about this. She is entitled to contact with her parent, but it may be that you could insist on this being supervised, at a contact centre.

Is his name on the birth certificate?

Has there been any discussion of him paying maintenance yet?

I agree with a previous poster's recommendation that you set up an email address to use as the sole channel of communication from now onwards - this means you will have evidence of every single message either of you writes - and ensure that you always sound fair and reasonable (prioritising your daughter's needs) in every email you send....

Spinaltapped · 04/10/2025 14:45

I think you should claim that you're still breastfeeding so that he can't get overnights - tell your solicitor you're breastfeeding, and the court if he takes you to court.

And as others have said, block his number on WhatsApp - you can use email or a contact app to discuss issues about your daughter, and to get written proof that he's abusive. Use a contact centre for access so you never have to see him.

Hopefully he'll leave you both be when he realises he can't control you through your daughter.

JFDIYOLO · 04/10/2025 15:05

Blocking him everywhere will look like obstructive behaviour designed to keep him and his child apart, which courts may disapprove of, especially if he and a solicitor could manipulate it to make you look bad.

You should leave one avenue of communication open to him, and ensure he is aware it is solely for co-parenting purposes. Being reasonable and cooperative.

That will funnel everything through one place, and make it easier for you to organise, track and record everything he does and says.

See it as you being a private investigator gathering information and evidence about his character, behaviour and any risk he poses to your child or you.

File everything, keep a detailed log of when contacts, what he says, what you do in response.

Be very careful - your feelings about him and wanting him out of your life don't override his and your child's right to a relationship.

But his evidenced behaviour could go a long way to help you reach arrangements that you can live with.

user0345437398 · 04/10/2025 17:17

If you go into court with what you've said here you will not come out well.

You are 'hostile to contact' and this is one thing I wish my solicitors had told me when I refused contact for my child. The contact schedule given to my ex was the absolute most they could have. My solicitor said they'd not seen as much contact granted previously. I refused contact right to the last minute but should have been advised that this would not make me look good and was not reasonable.

The threshold is very high for no contact. It's a direct threat to THAT specific child.

Nothing less. Nothing less. He could have abused a different child and still get contact. That's how things are now.

If you have evidence he is a direct threat to your child, you can refuse contact.
If you don't you can't and shouldn't.

I went through family court for 2 years. I've learned a lot.

You really should offer him contact at your home with the child.
Ask him what schedule he finds reasonable.
Say what schedule you find reasonable.
Ask to attend mediation to work out the differences.

If he's abused you then you can fill out a C1A with your response to his contact request. Judge may order a hearing to determine which allegations are found. Judge will only do this for the allegations which pose a direct threat to the child.

In my case coersive control was disregarded. Judge wanted to know about some sexual allegations and some violence allegations. None were found because they were not backed by convincing evidence. This is on both sides.

Judge doesn't give a single crap if he was mean to you, controlling of you, etc. etc.

Judge cares only if the person is a proven direct risk to the specific child with whom they seek contact.

Feel free to PM me but you need to change your attitude or you will greatly regret it.

user0345437398 · 04/10/2025 17:20

Download AppClose and ask him to do the same and you can communicate there.

Then offer him to come see the child at home.

You are beginning to gather evidence. If he refuses that then you have evidence for court that he has sacrificed time with the child.

Be polite. Look up BIFF. Put every message you send via ChatGPT and ask it to make it BIFF.

If you do get an order this is preferable as he will then be obligated to return the child and police can assist if he doesn't. Whereas if he is on the BC and you have no order he could keep your child and police would not help you get them back.