To let a friend stay with me for how long?

[GildasNolives]

maybe more of a WIBU but I have a friend who has recently split up with a partner and can’t bear to live with him anymore. she’s moved out and is currently staying with family but they live a couple of hours away. Up until now she has been signed off work sick, and was looking for another job so she could quit her current one, but that hasn’t quite worked out so she needs to come back and she’s asked if she can stay with me - initially just for a few days but I think it’s highly likely she may want to stay longer.

I do have a spare room but I’m very used to living alone and only have one bathroom. I don’t think other friends locally have a spare room she could use so it’s between me or an Airbnb.

weeks ago I said I wanted to support her and I would consider her staying until Christmas. I know I shouldn’t have agreed it as a possibility if I wasn’t sure but I thought at the time I genuinely thought I would cope and I wanted to be a good friend but now it’s looking like more of a possibility I don’t think I can cope with her being here that long.

I like my own space, the spare room is more for temporary guests not a lodger so also functions as my workout room and where I need to dry laundry as I don’t have a tumble drier - I can’t do either of these things in other rooms due to lack of floor space elsewhere. So it wouldn’t be a fully private space which I’d make clear, I’d give up on workouts in there as it’s probably unfair to ask her to get pull up the sofa bed everyday but I’d still need access to the room for drying clothes (obviously respecting her privacy and knocking if I need to come in whilst she’s in and obviously not going in super early in the morning or late at night!).

I’ve agreed for her to initially stay one week but I’m already anticipating she’ll ask to stay longer and it’s making me quite anxious. I also think staying for one week is a bit different to staying for weeks.

WIBU to say no on longer than one month max? Even this feels like longer than I’d want but I don’t want to be a bad friend and fall out over it, but I think that would probably be my limit.

she’s not paying her part of the flat with the boyfriend anymore as she’s fully moved out so she does have financial means to rent somewhere else. And for me it’s not about money as I wouldn’t charge her anything to stay (although if it did become a month I’d maybe ask for about £200 to contribute towards bills - would that be fair, she’d still be saving lots on renting somewhere?). It’s more about my losing my workout space, privacy and comfort in my own home etc.

she’s naturally upset by the breakup and I really want to support her and not be selfish, but I also don’t want to be unable to fully relax in my house and worst case fall out with her if she feels I’m either being a terrible “host” as I do want things kept a particular way re cleanliness etc, but aware I risk falling out if she asks to stay longer and I say no!

She is very nice and reasonable but I’ve not known her that long and I feel you never know someone until you live together and I’m worried we may end up irritating each other and ruining a friendship.

what’s the longest you would let a friend stay in these circumstances? Would I be a terrible friend to say four weeks at the absolute max?

any tips on how to manage the conversation if she says she wants to stay longer?

Honestly I would not let her move in at all. It might be awkward but I think it would be harder to get her out. “I’m so sorry, but I misspoke and I’m afraid you cannot move in. I have so much going on right now that I have to prioritize my mental health” sounds reasonable to me.

If she hasn’t already moved in then say you are sorry but it’s not going to be possible anymore. If you’re certain that you have to allow her to stay with you now you’ve have committed then go online and use a lodger template and put in writing that it will be for 4 weeks and put down clearly the expectations. If she is not happy to sign and agree she can politely decline.
I see this as the only choices to retain any friendship and avoid the inevitable conflict of getting her to leave once she’s in

I don’t think she’ll want to stay very long if you are going to dry your washing in her room! Who wants to sleep in a room festooned with damp washing?

What's her reason for being off sick?

I'd be curious as to why she hasn't looked for a rental in all this time, and think she has a plan to come and stay and then have 'issues" so can't move out. Are you charging her anything?

Just say no my circumstances have changed and I can't accommodate you any more.

You will regret this. She's not in a good state of mind and I expect you will struggle to get her out.
You'd be better off changing your mind now than a few weeks down the line. Listen to your instinct here!

Well it’s my house so indeed if she doesn’t like it she doesn’t have to stay! As noted it’s not a room that I’d ever want to rent out to a friend/lodger or otherwise, it’s very much a room that I utilise as part of my house daily. When I have short temporary guests for weekends I obviously don’t dry laundry in there and it’s a private space for them but that’s one weekend vs a week or longer! I could probably avoid drying laundry for one week but can’t for any longer.

she has said Sunday-Fri (as I think she is going back to family at the weekend) so it’s not even really a week so feel I definitely can’t say no to that now I’ve agreed to it, and really don’t mind a few days, it’s just anything longer where it begins to impose.

I know it’s a cop out but I’m hoping that she will realise it’s a bit awkward for me and won’t ask to stay longer, but if she does ask me while she’s here I need to be prepared. But I’m very much expecting it to be until Friday only unless she asks to stay longer. If she doesn’t say one way or the other while she’s here I will be direct and ask her though to avoid any assumptions, and then we’ll have to get into exactly how long she wants to stay and where I draw the line, and being honest re expectations on room access for clothes I need to store in there and laundry etc.

Ask her what her long term plans are. Can you afford to rent and just needs time to find something?
If it's dependant on a new job, how likely is she to find one?

I would 100% let a friend use my spare room for a month to see they find something permanent. I would make this clear at the start.

You cannot dry your washing in your spare room if it's her room. You need to find another solution.

You could offer for her to stay Monday to Fridays for a month, staying with family at weekends?

I completely need my own space so understand your reservations.

Id find it more manageable having someone to stay if I got a break from it at weekends and knew that it was for a finite amount of time.

This would be my worst nightmare, even if it makes me sound selfish.
We've no kids, always just the two of us living here.There's no way I would even entertain this for a week never mind long term. Good luck, it's tough but she's not your responsibility.

I once did the good thing. A male friend of mine was in, what what obvious to me, was an abusive relationship. I said to him, just get out. Come here. We'll figure it out.

Well, he did take up that offer (with his DD who he had from another woman). After three months I had HAD ENOUGH. I had to build him an exit plan.

You need an exit plan, OP. Don't get taken advantage of like I was.

I'd let her stay for probably a couple of months if we got on OK. And I'd find somewhere else to dry the washing so she could have a private space.
I have a small house with almost no spare floor space and yet I have three, possibly four, spots I can put the airer to dry washing. I don't believe that your spare room is the only option!

I don’t know why she’s been signed off sick, I assume metal health she’s not been explicit.

re finding a rental she’s unsure if she wants to continue living here and is considering other options but obviously finding a job elsewhere won’t be immediate.

As it stands I’m not going to say no to the initial week so that’s a non negotiable, that would be unreasonable of me after agreeing that.

if it’s for one week I’m fine for the room to be her full private space. If it’s longer than that then I’m afraid I do need to utilise it for laundry (sorry if this offends people, does everyone have massive houses with utility rooms or own tumble driers?).

If she’s not happy with that that’s her choice but then she needs to use that first week to find somewhere else after that, that is a non negotiable for me.

If she does want to stay longer than a week in order to be a supportive friend I would do up to one month but I would be upfront about conditions and expectations and it’s not a flatshare where we are equal partners I’m afraid it’s very much me trying to be a friend and help her out but it’s already a disruption to have someone more than one week so if she can’t appreciate the laundry issue then she needs to go elsewhere.

I wouldn’t charge rent for a week or two, but would discuss a contribution towards bills if she wanted to stay longer and keep it very nominal considering it’s not a private space. Or to be honest I’d just not charge her anything at all as I don’t want to inadvertently make her lodger, but I’d be surprised if she didn’t offer to contribute something if it was a month.

I do think one month is probably a hard line for me.

Can you honestly not hang laundry in your own bedroom for a few weeks? I think either say no beyond the initial week or suck up the inconvenience, it is so rude using someone's bedroom as a laundry room even if that is your usual practice. If it is genuinely so inconvenient just say no. Don't treat her like a bloody squatter.

As everyone seems hung up on the washing there is genuinely nowhere else! I suppose it could go smack bang in the middle of my kitchen meaning it has cooking smells and I have to manoeuvre around it to get outside and can’t use my table. Or maybe I could put it in my living room right in front of the tv where it would block off my sofa too meaning that room is unusable? Or in my bedroom right next to my bed so I have to hurdle over the end to get out? In the bathroom it would basically block access to my bath and toilet!

I’m not being a twat, I bought this house knowing I was never going to rent out this room and wasn’t expecting guests for more than a few days max at which point I just wouldn’t do laundry. It’s less of an issue in summer as well when I can dry stuff outside but it’s October now!

Before she moves in arrange a meeting to discuss final arrangements. Make it clear it is for a week as agreed. Say you are open to discussing a longer stay but a month is your limit and after a week you would need any further agreement in writing. Make sure it is in writing.

Honestly if it were close friend of mine I’d say they could stay as long as they needed.
I may be in an ‘imperfect’ situation for a while, maybe even a good while, but to me that’s what good friends do for one another.

I’m a nightmare in these situations, never want to offend but, set out your stall at the outset. You’ve said a week fine, I think that’s honourable. If she approaches you about staying longer then you either say no or you set your terms out clearly.

Personally I would not want someone staying in my space indefinitely, unless of course I lived on a country estate!

If you’re upfront then she can agree/disagree (and not stay) her prerogative.

Good luck OP

She’s not going to leave after a week. It will be a pain to get her to leave and it will ruin your friendship.

Tell her that you can’t have her to stay.

I'd want to know exactly what is wrong with her. Is she going to need help and support from you? Do you have time to look after someone who is so ill they're on long term sick? What's the prognosis - is she going to expect to stay until she's better and, if so, how long until she's back on her feet? Will she be able to pay her keep if she's on long term sick? There's absolutely no way I'd take on responsibility for someone who is ill without knowing exactly what is wrong with them so that I can decide if I'm the right person to care for them.

i think there are only 2 friends in my life that I would ever let stay at my house for more than a weekend. They are the only 2 I would ever ask, if really stuck could I stay for a short period of time

please say no, you won’t be happy and you'll get annoyed and frustrated with the situation

i don’t think she’ll be bedridden, I think it’s more mental well-being and potential depression post a serious relationship breakup. I will obviously want to provide some emotional support but wouldn’t be “caring” per se.

I’ll add that I’m not actually concerned she will try and stay indefinitely - I've made it clear that isn't an option. If I thought there was the slightest risk of this I wouldn’t have said yes to even one week. It’s more how do I feel about anything post the initial one week if she asks to stay longer and balancing wanting to be supportive as a friend vs me living alone because I want to and having short term inconvenience for me. I agree I’m concerned I’ll get annoyed and frustrated and don’t want to fall out with her over it.

Given comments I’m now wondering if I’m explicit that actually it’s stressing me out so much, I am happy to continue next week but can’t do any more than that?

This is very sensible.

I think I’m just worried she’ll no longer want to be my friend if I say actually I can’t handle more than one week. I feel that makes me sound like a terrible friend/human as I have no reason other than wanting my own space.