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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let a friend stay with me for how long?

56 replies

GildasNolives · 03/10/2025 20:08

maybe more of a WIBU but I have a friend who has recently split up with a partner and can’t bear to live with him anymore. she’s moved out and is currently staying with family but they live a couple of hours away. Up until now she has been signed off work sick, and was looking for another job so she could quit her current one, but that hasn’t quite worked out so she needs to come back and she’s asked if she can stay with me - initially just for a few days but I think it’s highly likely she may want to stay longer.

I do have a spare room but I’m very used to living alone and only have one bathroom. I don’t think other friends locally have a spare room she could use so it’s between me or an Airbnb.

weeks ago I said I wanted to support her and I would consider her staying until Christmas. I know I shouldn’t have agreed it as a possibility if I wasn’t sure but I thought at the time I genuinely thought I would cope and I wanted to be a good friend but now it’s looking like more of a possibility I don’t think I can cope with her being here that long.

I like my own space, the spare room is more for temporary guests not a lodger so also functions as my workout room and where I need to dry laundry as I don’t have a tumble drier - I can’t do either of these things in other rooms due to lack of floor space elsewhere. So it wouldn’t be a fully private space which I’d make clear, I’d give up on workouts in there as it’s probably unfair to ask her to get pull up the sofa bed everyday but I’d still need access to the room for drying clothes (obviously respecting her privacy and knocking if I need to come in whilst she’s in and obviously not going in super early in the morning or late at night!).

I’ve agreed for her to initially stay one week but I’m already anticipating she’ll ask to stay longer and it’s making me quite anxious. I also think staying for one week is a bit different to staying for weeks.

WIBU to say no on longer than one month max? Even this feels like longer than I’d want but I don’t want to be a bad friend and fall out over it, but I think that would probably be my limit.

she’s not paying her part of the flat with the boyfriend anymore as she’s fully moved out so she does have financial means to rent somewhere else. And for me it’s not about money as I wouldn’t charge her anything to stay (although if it did become a month I’d maybe ask for about £200 to contribute towards bills - would that be fair, she’d still be saving lots on renting somewhere?). It’s more about my losing my workout space, privacy and comfort in my own home etc.

she’s naturally upset by the breakup and I really want to support her and not be selfish, but I also don’t want to be unable to fully relax in my house and worst case fall out with her if she feels I’m either being a terrible “host” as I do want things kept a particular way re cleanliness etc, but aware I risk falling out if she asks to stay longer and I say no!

She is very nice and reasonable but I’ve not known her that long and I feel you never know someone until you live together and I’m worried we may end up irritating each other and ruining a friendship.

what’s the longest you would let a friend stay in these circumstances? Would I be a terrible friend to say four weeks at the absolute max?

any tips on how to manage the conversation if she says she wants to stay longer?

OP posts:
Curlywirlytrees · 03/10/2025 21:11

I wouldn't ever let a friend stay for more than a few days.
I once let a friend stay because she become homeless she stayed for 8 weeks it ruined our friendship. Living with her I learnt things I would never have known about her and we are no longer friends.

Dibble135 · 03/10/2025 21:13

Don’t do it op. You’ve had a pipe burst. Your boiler is broken. You have to go visit a sick relative…

HoskinsChoice · 03/10/2025 21:24

GildasNolives · 03/10/2025 21:05

i don’t think she’ll be bedridden, I think it’s more mental well-being and potential depression post a serious relationship breakup. I will obviously want to provide some emotional support but wouldn’t be “caring” per se.

I’ll add that I’m not actually concerned she will try and stay indefinitely - I've made it clear that isn't an option. If I thought there was the slightest risk of this I wouldn’t have said yes to even one week. It’s more how do I feel about anything post the initial one week if she asks to stay longer and balancing wanting to be supportive as a friend vs me living alone because I want to and having short term inconvenience for me. I agree I’m concerned I’ll get annoyed and frustrated and don’t want to fall out with her over it.

Given comments I’m now wondering if I’m explicit that actually it’s stressing me out so much, I am happy to continue next week but can’t do any more than that?

Is she legitimately ill? You have to have one hell of a reaction to a break up to go on long-term sick! I wouldn't feel equipped to live with someone who has legitimate mental health issues that are so bad it requires long term sick. I also would not tolerate someone who is screwing her company over pretending to have mental health issues. It has to be one of the two and either way, it gives you a simple get out clause.

Anotherdayanotherpound · 03/10/2025 21:31

I think you need to invent someone who’s coming to stay about a week after she’s due to leave. You’ll obviously need to change the sheets etc a couple of days before so there’s your hard deadline

Endofyear · 03/10/2025 21:40

GildasNolives · 03/10/2025 21:06

I think I’m just worried she’ll no longer want to be my friend if I say actually I can’t handle more than one week. I feel that makes me sound like a terrible friend/human as I have no reason other than wanting my own space.

There's nothing wrong with needing your own space. You are allowed to prioritise your own well-being.

I have 3 very close friends that I would take into my home if they needed it, for as long as they needed. But these are very old friends who I've know 25+ years and they are like family. I wouldn't do it for a friend I hadn't known long. It does sound as though you just don't want to have her to stay, so don't. In the long run, it's kinder.

Worriedalltheday · 03/10/2025 21:41

She broke up with her boyfriend and gets signed off? No I wouldn’t be offering my place. Sounds like issues become a major thing for her and getting her to leave would be a problem. A month then you’re close to Christmas and guilted into staying longer. She should be helping herself to get back on track by renting now that she isn’t paying for her current place

coxesorangepippin · 03/10/2025 22:21

Honestly op, say no

Otherwise she'll never leave

Londonrach1 · 03/10/2025 22:26

I wouldnt allow her to move in as you mixing up friendship with a lodger and things could get very messy. You right if she's no where to go it be impossible to get her out and you destroy the friendship. This close to Christmas she be in your room until Jan at least...

Original poster
GildasNolives · 03/10/2025 22:31

Thanks to everyone who has replied - it made me realise that I needed to be honest with her.

we had a long chat and I’ve said I can’t do longer than one week and apologised if I had given mixed messages. She was understanding about this and she has confirmed a train for Saturday morning.

I absolutely have no problem with her staying a week and never did, I made that commitment explicitly so wouldn’t have broken that last minute unless something came up after I made it that would have made me genuinely concerned about squatting or her being unstable (which I wasn’t and am not). If it was me in this situation I’d be rightly annoyed for someone saying yes then saying no, that wouldn’t be fair. It was more a longer term thing that would start to impact how I use my home that I didn’t want to cope with and set an expectation for.

The Monday-Friday a few weeks in a row was a good idea but even that might be a bit much for me so I think I need to be realistic there, but depending how one week goes if she needs to stay a few nights here and there over October I would be open to that. But I haven’t fallen into the trap of potentially overcommitting again, so have kept my trap shut…!

OP posts:
Kag13 · 04/10/2025 19:09

GildasNolives · 03/10/2025 20:45

As everyone seems hung up on the washing there is genuinely nowhere else! I suppose it could go smack bang in the middle of my kitchen meaning it has cooking smells and I have to manoeuvre around it to get outside and can’t use my table. Or maybe I could put it in my living room right in front of the tv where it would block off my sofa too meaning that room is unusable? Or in my bedroom right next to my bed so I have to hurdle over the end to get out? In the bathroom it would basically block access to my bath and toilet!

I’m not being a twat, I bought this house knowing I was never going to rent out this room and wasn’t expecting guests for more than a few days max at which point I just wouldn’t do laundry. It’s less of an issue in summer as well when I can dry stuff outside but it’s October now!

If laundry is a major problem for you, especially in the winter, if you can afford it, I would very much recommend a ‘drysoon’ heated aider from Lakeland with a cover. They aren’t cheap, but if I hang my washing one day it’s dry the next day.
very cheap to run too. Tumble dryer is only used for towels, bedding and underwear as most other clothes shrink in it.
That would solve your spare room problem?

PumpkinSeasonOctober · 04/10/2025 19:11

I wouldn’t as these things never end well

ohyesido · 04/10/2025 19:52

I think you will regret it and lose your friendship. You will miss the use of the room and resent every single minute that she is on your bathroom.,

Lampzade · 04/10/2025 19:54

My advice …., don’t do it .

canyouseemyhousefromhere · 04/10/2025 19:57

GildasNolives · 03/10/2025 21:06

I think I’m just worried she’ll no longer want to be my friend if I say actually I can’t handle more than one week. I feel that makes me sound like a terrible friend/human as I have no reason other than wanting my own space.

Just be clear that you value your friendship too much to agree with any longer than xx weeks.

suburberphobe · 04/10/2025 20:14

Will she be in your house (as she's off work) while you're at yours?

I wouldn't like the thought of her snooping around at all my stuff at all.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 04/10/2025 20:15

Please don't let people on here put you off letting her stay for that first week as already agreed - it's 5 days, after which she's planning to head back to her family's for at least a few days?

If she asks to stay again after that, you could perhaps suggest that she alternates - does one week at her family's then a second week at yours?

Or long weekends at theirs then Mon night - Fri morning at yours?

As a strictly temporary arrangment that would enable her to either (a) look for longer-term accommodation in your area, or (b) a new job nearer to her family? With her understanding that you can only host her in your spare room till the end of October - you could always invent a reason why you would need the room for something else in November - maybe you have a relative coming to visit, or some planned work?

Jellycatspyjamas · 04/10/2025 22:31

suburberphobe · 04/10/2025 20:14

Will she be in your house (as she's off work) while you're at yours?

I wouldn't like the thought of her snooping around at all my stuff at all.

What kind of friends do you have that they’d go through your stuff? I’ve had friends stay at mine when I’m away and I’ve house sat for friends while they’ve been away. The very last thing I’d do, or expect friends to do, is snoop around private stuff.

Spinmerightroundbaby · 04/10/2025 23:23

GildasNolives · 03/10/2025 20:08

maybe more of a WIBU but I have a friend who has recently split up with a partner and can’t bear to live with him anymore. she’s moved out and is currently staying with family but they live a couple of hours away. Up until now she has been signed off work sick, and was looking for another job so she could quit her current one, but that hasn’t quite worked out so she needs to come back and she’s asked if she can stay with me - initially just for a few days but I think it’s highly likely she may want to stay longer.

I do have a spare room but I’m very used to living alone and only have one bathroom. I don’t think other friends locally have a spare room she could use so it’s between me or an Airbnb.

weeks ago I said I wanted to support her and I would consider her staying until Christmas. I know I shouldn’t have agreed it as a possibility if I wasn’t sure but I thought at the time I genuinely thought I would cope and I wanted to be a good friend but now it’s looking like more of a possibility I don’t think I can cope with her being here that long.

I like my own space, the spare room is more for temporary guests not a lodger so also functions as my workout room and where I need to dry laundry as I don’t have a tumble drier - I can’t do either of these things in other rooms due to lack of floor space elsewhere. So it wouldn’t be a fully private space which I’d make clear, I’d give up on workouts in there as it’s probably unfair to ask her to get pull up the sofa bed everyday but I’d still need access to the room for drying clothes (obviously respecting her privacy and knocking if I need to come in whilst she’s in and obviously not going in super early in the morning or late at night!).

I’ve agreed for her to initially stay one week but I’m already anticipating she’ll ask to stay longer and it’s making me quite anxious. I also think staying for one week is a bit different to staying for weeks.

WIBU to say no on longer than one month max? Even this feels like longer than I’d want but I don’t want to be a bad friend and fall out over it, but I think that would probably be my limit.

she’s not paying her part of the flat with the boyfriend anymore as she’s fully moved out so she does have financial means to rent somewhere else. And for me it’s not about money as I wouldn’t charge her anything to stay (although if it did become a month I’d maybe ask for about £200 to contribute towards bills - would that be fair, she’d still be saving lots on renting somewhere?). It’s more about my losing my workout space, privacy and comfort in my own home etc.

she’s naturally upset by the breakup and I really want to support her and not be selfish, but I also don’t want to be unable to fully relax in my house and worst case fall out with her if she feels I’m either being a terrible “host” as I do want things kept a particular way re cleanliness etc, but aware I risk falling out if she asks to stay longer and I say no!

She is very nice and reasonable but I’ve not known her that long and I feel you never know someone until you live together and I’m worried we may end up irritating each other and ruining a friendship.

what’s the longest you would let a friend stay in these circumstances? Would I be a terrible friend to say four weeks at the absolute max?

any tips on how to manage the conversation if she says she wants to stay longer?

I like the thought you’ve put into your message and you sound like a kind person and a supportive friend. I would find a way to summarise some of what you’ve said here about your use of the room, that you don’t mind giving it up temporarily for a week or two, but long term it just wouldn’t work for you and would potentially inconvenience her as well.

2Rebecca · 04/10/2025 23:53

It’s not clear why she didn’t find a rental before leaving her boyfriend

Nearly50omg · 05/10/2025 02:02

Make it VERY clear to her that this is only till the Sunday as you like you space and use that room as your exercise room and also dry washing in it and that won’t be changing!!

Nearly50omg · 05/10/2025 02:02

she can rent a room in a house share or go to a b&b!

AC246 · 05/10/2025 02:08

These things rarely end well.
Best you are honest.

Puzzledtoday · 05/10/2025 04:45

I think a month is generous and will give her time to find her next home. Be completely honest that you are used to living alone and wouldn’t cope longer. Tell her youll help her find something permanent if she wants help.

SixtySomerhing · 05/10/2025 05:27

Either be a friend or don't. On the one hand you SAY you want to help but on the other you are planning to put wet laundry in the space you've offered as hers for a while....it's like you are saying one thing but doing something else. If you really can't accommodate her properly and allow her to use the space without filling it with damp items, then you need to do better as a friend and tell her the truth.

WallTree · 05/10/2025 05:43

Put your clothes horse standing up in your bath. Problem solved on that front.

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