Is my colleague's comment rude?

[Mummypie21]

I have a co worker in a another department who I'm friendly with. Without being too outing, my role is similar to a behavioural youth worker. My colleague does something completely different and has never seen me 'at work' with the youths. She sees me when I'm on my lunch break.

Today, she asked me about a particular youth who can be quite difficult that she has seen around the building. I said that I've had to be quite firm with them. My colleague said in an slightly mocking/jokey voice that she doesn't see me as someone who can be firm. She repeated this twice saying 'you just don't look like it'. I didn't pay much attention to it then but when I mentioned it to my department colleagues, they said 'that's a bit rude. You're definitely firm and fair on the kids'. I've also noticed that when I've ever mentioned something successful that has happened for me, she will do a surprised look of 'really??'.

Should I just stop talking to her as we don't cross professionally anyway? We're just c friendly and she'll come over and ask if I want to grab a coffee together.

That would be a frankly insane overreaction to a passing comment.

I wouldn't stop talking to her, but if she says another similar comment I'd ask her what she means.

I will accept that. I'm just unsure as she does have a habit of saying things like it I ran a marathon that 'you don't seem like the fit type' or if I drove far, she'll say 'you don't look like someone who's that confident'.

But she will then add 'good for you though' so maybe it's not meant as a dig.

Yes. Stop talking to your friend forever because of this comment. Also write to your local MP.

Sounds like she has a history of trying to put you down, treat her like one of the youths and be firm with her "why what does someone who can drive a long distance look like" "what do you think i look like I'm capable of given you have already informed me I don't look capable of x y z plus this latest comment" politely but firmly then wait for her to answer, let her splutter and backtrack without you speaking

Your drip feed comments are all far worse than the comment in your OP. If she's always making comments that you feel are rude then of course distance yourself.

I think it's just little things that aren't anything as a one-off but feels annoying when you have a bigger picture.

Ah yes, I used to work with one of these, "negging" me whenever she could. I just used to say "Well, now you know differently, don't you?", or "Glad I could enlighten you" and leave it there. She gave up fairly quickly when she realised I wasn't going to rise to it.

I know someone like that - she has ADHD (diagnosed) and no filter. When I was telling her about my fibroids she said sympathetically, ‘That’s awful. Did they make your ankles go all puffy too?’ Until then I hadn’t even noticed my ankles were puffy!

She’s very kind in lots of other ways so I give her the benefit of the doubt when something unflattering falls out of her brain.

I like that response actually 😀. Thanks

That made me laugh. Normally, she's fine and always ends the convo with 'it's lovely chatting to you as always'. But I wish she didn't comment on what I 'look like' I am capable or incapable of doing (she doesn't know me well enough besides these short chats).

I actually would stop talking to her OP. No, she hasn’t done anything awful but why would you want a “friend” in your life that clearly thinks you’re a bit meek and pathetic and doesn’t respect you? You don’t need people like that in your life. She’s got a pattern of putting you down and “good for you” might mean it’s not a dig but it is patronising and shows she thinks you’re beneath her. Why let people like that clutter up your life. You can do better

I work with similar youths and you need rhino level thick skin.
For this reason, I’m surprised you’d take her comment so personally.

Fair enough. It wasn't just one comment (which to be fair wasn't anything) but just an accumulation. So not sure if I'm just not realising it.

But I will accept if my thinking is an overreaction and I was unreasonable.

No

No matter how much or how often you drip feed, it wasn't rude.

She was just surprised that's all.

I think you are looking too much into this. She sees you at times where you don't need to be firm so to her, its hard for her to imagine. This lady did nothing wrong.

She regularly underestimates you then. Dunno thatbshe sounds like much of a mate….

How is that a passing comment when it is literally a very personal one?

Och, chances are you’re perfectly correct in your assessment of her. Maybe she’s jealous of the rapport you have with your young people.

It’s literally a passing comment. She doesn’t see the OP actually doing her job, and can’t imagine her having the necessary firmness . She’s probably the type of person who thinks prison officers are gruff, tattooed and enormous, and nurses are ‘lovely’ smiley Florence Nightingales.

We all have work persona that's different to social persona. We also have different opinions of ourselves than others do. She's just saying what she sees . It would be an enormous overreaction to stop talking to her.

She seems to enjoy putting you down. Plus she sound very insecure. Ignore her.

She sounds like a complete frienemy. I’d just avoid her. She doesn’t want to celebrate your successes. She makes snipey remarks. You’re better off having coffee alone …