Is my colleague's comment rude?

[Mummypie21]

I have a co worker in a another department who I'm friendly with. Without being too outing, my role is similar to a behavioural youth worker. My colleague does something completely different and has never seen me 'at work' with the youths. She sees me when I'm on my lunch break.

Today, she asked me about a particular youth who can be quite difficult that she has seen around the building. I said that I've had to be quite firm with them. My colleague said in an slightly mocking/jokey voice that she doesn't see me as someone who can be firm. She repeated this twice saying 'you just don't look like it'. I didn't pay much attention to it then but when I mentioned it to my department colleagues, they said 'that's a bit rude. You're definitely firm and fair on the kids'. I've also noticed that when I've ever mentioned something successful that has happened for me, she will do a surprised look of 'really??'.

Should I just stop talking to her as we don't cross professionally anyway? We're just c friendly and she'll come over and ask if I want to grab a coffee together.

I'd guess you are a gently spoken person and they are loud?
I've had comments like this in professional life. Also a job that requires firmness and confidence, which I'm not lacking. I have had a couple of people who are loud and brash make an assumption I couldn't manage and they have been shocked when I have been perfectly capable of doing my job well.
I did find it rude, they were making a judgement that I wouldn't be as good as them because I am a different personality type.

I wouldn’t let her ‘steal my joy’ if you will. If she’s ruining your day with her comments then keep your distance. If you can brush off her rude comments, and they are rude, then enjoy your coffee. You decide.

She’s insecure - be assertive in a friendly way when she makes those comments. You can question what she means or light heartedly call her out. Doesn’t mean you should cut off but I would keep a reasonable distance as a friend like that won’t do anything for your self esteem.

It is rude. Just match her energy and don’t be too friendly.,More comments immediately change the subject.,No response, no smile. I think it works. Or a pointed question.

This. So simple and would hopefully put an end to it. I would get irked by the comment as well but it’s ambiguous. She either means you don’t command respect so she can’t see you being firm or, and much more likely, you seem nice and approachable when working with younger people and can’t visualise a ‘firm’ version of you.

Stop talking to her?!! Seems wildly disproportionate. Telling her to go fuck herself seems much more appropriate.

Ignorant of the facts

You need to learn to answer back.

You don’t need to be rude but just state your truth cooly and calmly ‘I’m firm when I need to be’.

The more quiet you are, the more she’ll do it.

Does it feel like a dig??? Ask her why she says X next time

This woman has a strange turn of phrase. You might try challenging her each time - ‘oh really - what does someone firm/comfident/whatever look like then?’ Or just disagree: ‘I assure you I can be very firm’ . Try it - it might feel good.

You’re not overreacting, it’s undermining. Next time she says it say ‘why the surprise?’.

I have a friend who did it all the time to me, anything I achieved she would say ‘I can’t imagine you doing that.’ I let the friendship drift, no-one needs that kind of negging.

To me these comments of your coworker do sound low level rude and undermining. Maybe she's doing it unconsciously. I like the idea of telling her honestly and politely how you feel, exactly as you did in your earlier post. I quote you below with the word "she" changed to "you":

" I wish you didn't comment on what I 'look like' I am capable or incapable of doing. You don't know me well enough besides these short chats."

I think the best way to address rude comments is respond honestly I.e., “that’s rude”, “that’s not very nice”, “what did you say?”, “that’s not necessary”… etc.

If you avoid her, it will make bumping into her awkward.. and why should you go out of your way to avoid someone?

I was once told that we are each the average of the people we spend the most time with. If she has other qualities that make her a person you would like to be more like, continue spending time with her. If not, spend less time with her and more time with better people.

Do you know, I think I'm guilty of doing this once to a friend (who started off as a work friend). She worked in a different department to me but we joined a work club together for fitness so met each other after work and whenever she came into our office she would use one of the hot desks near me and we would go for lunch etc. However I didn't ever really witness her doing her job.

Anyway, she was (is!) really lovely and we got on really well, had a good laugh and met up outside work for drinks and dinner etc whenever we could. She was a bit daft though about common sense things; invited a married guy back to her flat who we had been chatting with all night. I could tell she was being completely innocent about it; was enjoying our night of banter with him and his friend and when the pub shut, wanted it to continue. I was going to go home but declined and decided to go with her to keep an eye on her. True to form, once back at the flat she went to get us drinks and he followed her into the kitchen, grabbed her and tried to kiss her. She came back into the living room, indicated she wants to talk to me, panic and tells me what happened and how she didn't realise he would do that, so then hides in her bathroom and I have to make up an elaborate story to get them to leave.

Another time she genuinely thought that butter was just "butter" i.e. it came pre-done, she didn't get realise it was churned from milk!!! Me and my other pal all laughed and she giggled at how daft she was.

So yes, anyway I think I made a comment one day about her daftness and how surprised I was what she did day to day in her job. I could see I hurt her feelings so I immediately apologised. One time I was in a meeting with her that crossed over our departments and she was cool as a cucumber and so on the ball. Completely separated to her non-work persona. It was a total shock! But it made me realise work and friends can be v different. She's now a big manager for an international company but texts me about burning her pasta or forgetting where she lives! (She's just moved). I love her and love the fact how she switches between her work and home life. Maybe this friend is the same with you. Just ask her about it if you can. Don't take it too much to heart. X

Why do you not ask her what she means when she passes comments? Id have replied 'Oh I can be very firm when I need to be believe me' I doubt she's being rude, in a way she may think she's paying you a compliment in that she doesn't see you as a nasty person or one that get's angry etc.