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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell friend they can't come to my party?

48 replies

lilacsocks · 03/10/2025 13:55

AIBU or am I being petty?

We are having a late end of summer party. Around 30 people in our house/garden.

I mentioned it to a friend/acquaintance and they immediately said that lots of people might not be able to come because it's the same date a big concert. I told them that yes, the concert is on the Saturday and the party is on the Friday. They said they wouldn't be going out the day before the concert.

When sending out the invites, I thought to save any drama, I would ask them if they would like to come. They repeated that they had a concert the next day so wouldn't want to ruin that - and asked how late I would expect it to get. Oh and they would actually need to double check their calendar because they think they may have something on anyway. So I just left it at that.

Then I got a message a few weeks later asking for a follow up and details of the party. I asked her if she was now free and wanting to come? She said she would try and come but she has other plans until 8:30pm and the concert the next day.

So I added her to the whatsapp group with the details.

Next morning (day before party) she messaged to say that unfortunately she now has a sore throat so won't make it because she doesn't want to risk it being more ill for the party. I just ignored and removed from the whatsapp.

I've now had two people message me to ask why that person was removed. I just said she said she couldn't make it.

Now on the day of the party (today), the friend has messaged to ask if she is actually invited or not to the party! wtf?

DH thinks I should just ignore her, but as we are in the same social group it is awkward.

OP posts:
zipadeedodah · 03/10/2025 13:58

yes just ignore those messages and enjoy your party!

Ciderapplevinegar · 03/10/2025 13:59

Doesn't sound like you're particularly close anyway, but removing someone from a WhatsApp group is always passive aggressive and petty. Does it matter if she comes or not? Presumably you're not doing a sit down three course meal for 30 so won't make any difference?

Empress13 · 03/10/2025 13:59

She sounds unhinged

paradisecircus · 03/10/2025 13:59

She sounds a bit odd, but you may be overthinking it a bit - couldn't you just tell her that yes, she's invited to your party, and then let her decide whether or not she wants to come on the day.

MellowPinkDeer · 03/10/2025 14:00

She’s bloody ridiculous and insanely high maintenance - forget her and have a good time

EmpressaurusKitty · 03/10/2025 14:00

Does it make much difference to you whether she comes? Unless it’s a sit down meal where you need enough places at a table, I’d let her come if she wants but assume she probably won’t.

TheatricalLife · 03/10/2025 14:02

Just ignore, that's ridiculous. She was invited and couldn't come. The end.

QuietlyFrench · 03/10/2025 14:05

She sounds beyond irritating.

I wouldn’t reply and would just crack on with the party.

Gowlett · 03/10/2025 14:05

Some people think out loud on their messages, and there’s loads of back & forth (needless drama…). She’s that person!

Others just say yes or no.

Bestnottalkaboutit · 03/10/2025 14:08

Ciderapplevinegar · 03/10/2025 13:59

Doesn't sound like you're particularly close anyway, but removing someone from a WhatsApp group is always passive aggressive and petty. Does it matter if she comes or not? Presumably you're not doing a sit down three course meal for 30 so won't make any difference?

don’t think removing someone who has said they are not coming is pass-agg? I always remove myself/other people if they are not going to attend the event, nothing worse than endless phone pinging for something that is now irrelevant!

OP, totally agree; just ignore - you’re busy setting up party, no time to respond…...

Livpool · 03/10/2025 14:09

Just ignore it - though removing someone from a WhatsApp group does seem petty. Maybe that is it? I wouldn’t give it a second thought though

Alittlefeedbackwouldbenice · 03/10/2025 14:10

I think you're both being ridiculous.

I'd have probably gone 'if you fancy dropping in for a bit please do' and leave it at that. If she turned up, great, if she didn't, no big deal. Unless it's a formal sit down meal, why does it matter either way. And she should have stopped dithering so much to you.

CurlewKate · 03/10/2025 14:11

Why on earth did you remove her from the WhatsApp? That’s a very bizarre thing to do!

Poppingby · 03/10/2025 14:13

Are you bothered? Just say yes of course but you said you couldn't come. See you later if you can make it.

Unless you have bought an accurate number of vol au vents or something?

Cardinalita90 · 03/10/2025 14:13

I'd probably have just left a standing open invite to her and forgotten about it (unless you had to know specific numbers for catering). She's being annoying as fuck with the back and forth.

I'd just reply and say as she said she was ill, you removed her from the group to save her being spammed.

purplecorkheart · 03/10/2025 14:15

I probably would not have removed her from the WhatsApp group or would have said oh well if you change your mind you are more than welcome to come. She always could have just muted the group then. It came across as rather passive aggressive just to remove her however irriating she is.

arcticpandas · 03/10/2025 14:16

CurlewKate · 03/10/2025 14:11

Why on earth did you remove her from the WhatsApp? That’s a very bizarre thing to do!

I think you might have misunderstood. It was a specific WhatsApp group only for the party so cimpletely normal to remove those having declined. I am geateful when people remove me from those kind of groups when I have declined. No need getting pings for little Johnnys birthday party when my child will not go.

SantaAnaWinds · 03/10/2025 14:19

She does sound annoying and to say she doesn’t want to do anything the day before the show and then suddenly be out until 8:30 is weird. Why didn’t she just say she already had plans when she was invited?

I wouldn’t have ignored her message and then removed her from the group though, that does make it seem as though you have a problem with her and that’s maybe why the others asked.

Nicelynicelyjohnson · 03/10/2025 14:23

arcticpandas · 03/10/2025 14:16

I think you might have misunderstood. It was a specific WhatsApp group only for the party so cimpletely normal to remove those having declined. I am geateful when people remove me from those kind of groups when I have declined. No need getting pings for little Johnnys birthday party when my child will not go.

Show quote history

Just remove yourself from the group?

I have stayed in groups on occasion where I am not doing the activity because I want to see photos of my friends, hear about the event or whatever.

Clarinet1 · 03/10/2025 14:25

Well I suppose the answer is she was invited to the party but declined because of her sore throat!

Cabbagepatchdroll · 03/10/2025 14:30

Ciderapplevinegar · 03/10/2025 13:59

Doesn't sound like you're particularly close anyway, but removing someone from a WhatsApp group is always passive aggressive and petty. Does it matter if she comes or not? Presumably you're not doing a sit down three course meal for 30 so won't make any difference?

I didn’t know it was passive aggressive to do that. I often remove people if they’ve declined, so they’re not receiving irrelevant messages. I remove myself sometimes if I can’t go. Inwardly groaning now that I may unwittingly be pissing people off.

Spanador · 03/10/2025 14:33

Ciderapplevinegar · 03/10/2025 13:59

Doesn't sound like you're particularly close anyway, but removing someone from a WhatsApp group is always passive aggressive and petty. Does it matter if she comes or not? Presumably you're not doing a sit down three course meal for 30 so won't make any difference?

Is it really seen as passive aggressive and petty? One of my bridesmaids removed someone from a group chat because she couldn't make it to my hen do. BM thought she was doing the sensible thing so that the friend didn't get an endless stream of notifications for something that wasn't to do with her

The friend then blocked me and has never spoken to me since. I thought that was the petty bit😂but reading this thread, it seems like a lot of people would have said BM was in the wrong

Notonthestairs · 03/10/2025 14:39

I wouldn’t remove someone.

I assume they’ll take themselves off if they don’t want to read more. If you’ve turned an invitation down why wouldn’t you?

Greggsit · 03/10/2025 14:41

You could have replied to say "sorry to hear that" and then removed her. Just removing her without comment does come across as rude.

DappledThings · 03/10/2025 14:44

arcticpandas · 03/10/2025 14:16

I think you might have misunderstood. It was a specific WhatsApp group only for the party so cimpletely normal to remove those having declined. I am geateful when people remove me from those kind of groups when I have declined. No need getting pings for little Johnnys birthday party when my child will not go.

Show quote history

But you can remove yourself if you don't want updates. If it's a specific group for a specific event it'll go quiet after the event anyway.

I think it was unnecessarily antagonistic for you to remove him. But he's also being a pain and making it really complicated. So neither of you looking great really