To tell friend they can't come to my party?

[lilacsocks]

AIBU or am I being petty?

We are having a late end of summer party. Around 30 people in our house/garden.

I mentioned it to a friend/acquaintance and they immediately said that lots of people might not be able to come because it's the same date a big concert. I told them that yes, the concert is on the Saturday and the party is on the Friday. They said they wouldn't be going out the day before the concert.

When sending out the invites, I thought to save any drama, I would ask them if they would like to come. They repeated that they had a concert the next day so wouldn't want to ruin that - and asked how late I would expect it to get. Oh and they would actually need to double check their calendar because they think they may have something on anyway. So I just left it at that.

Then I got a message a few weeks later asking for a follow up and details of the party. I asked her if she was now free and wanting to come? She said she would try and come but she has other plans until 8:30pm and the concert the next day.

So I added her to the whatsapp group with the details.

Next morning (day before party) she messaged to say that unfortunately she now has a sore throat so won't make it because she doesn't want to risk it being more ill for the party. I just ignored and removed from the whatsapp.

I've now had two people message me to ask why that person was removed. I just said she said she couldn't make it.

Now on the day of the party (today), the friend has messaged to ask if she is actually invited or not to the party! wtf?

DH thinks I should just ignore her, but as we are in the same social group it is awkward.

Exactly this.
Although I would reply that yes, you did invite her but she said no.
She's being weird.

She is an attention seeker. The trick is to not give her any attention. Removing her from the group gives her attention as she can then message everyone she has ever met about it and how it makes her feel.

Best thing to do is a cheery but vague “yes - of course - but I thought you weren’t coming?”

What? Why is it bizarre? It’s irritating if your phone is pinging a lot with messages leading up to an event you are not going to. So, you’re doing someone a favour by removing them. I have often asked someone to do this for me.

Why don’t you just leave a WA group you are not interested in yourself?
You don’t need to get someone to remove you.

You can do it yourself! You're not stuck in any groups you don't want to be. OP's friend could have removed himself if he was bothered by getting messages and it is therefore a bit passive-aggressive to kick someone out.

Ignore her messages. I'd fade her out of my life too, I don't have the energy for people who can't get their shit together. I don't need to know about their scheduling challenges I just need to know if they are accepting it declining the invitation. Some people just demand constant attention, they're exhausting.

She/he is just a drama queen.

I mentioned it to a friend/acquaintance and they immediately said that lots of people might not be able to come because it's the same date a big concert.
Sounds like the friend was trying to get you to cancel or reschedule your party from the get go

Please just say he or she.

I couldn't be bothered with all the faffing and fussing about whether they could attend or not but I'd have just left it as "you're welcome to join us if you change your mind". It doesn't matter either way if they go or not as it's not something like a concert where you need a ticket so you need a definite answer either way.

Removing yourself is fine, removing other people is odd. Let them remove or archive themselves, if they’re old enough for WhatsApp, they’re old enough to manage their own notifications.

You sound about 12

How much do you want your friend there? I have a very flaky friend who would do this, but once she is at a party, she is great company and warm and fun. If you wanted her there enough, you would have ignored the irritating messages!

As an aside, end of summer party ? It is well into autumn here!

She sounds intense

I don't see why you didn't just reply in group saying no probs that you can't come. Rather than removing her.

Just forget about her and enjoy the party. Some people are flaky and a bit weird. But I doubt she meant any harm. She may be disorganised or just a bit odd.

How was the party?!

I’d have just told those that asked that she was invited and declined, and told the friend she was still invited if she was now free.

The constant messages about whether or not she'd make it would have annoyed me, OP. But if you don't need to know actual numbers and could accommodate 1 more person or not then I'd just reply to her that of course she was invited, but you thought she'd said she wouldn't be able to come because she was ill.

There was no need to remove her, this was just giving more attention and focus to someone who seems incredibly needy.

Surely you respond 'Of course you were invited, but you declined because you were ill. Hope you feel better soon.'

Dear oh dear. I would reinstate this strange woman to the group and say publicly that you very much hope she is now able to come. Enjoy your party!

I’d say you were being rude, passive aggressive and petty and people obviously noticed that to question why friend was removed from the group. To ignore her was rude, why wouldn’t you just say “sorry to hear your not feeling well and can’t make it I’ll remove you from the chat so you don’t keep getting messages”….. then remove her?

Exactly this!

You’re both being weird. Removing her was totally rude and unnecessary but she sounds a bit difficult and petty as well. But either way, it’s not a wedding ceremony, so what difference does it make really if she rocks up or not? I’d just leave her to figure out what she wants to do and not be overly fussed either way.

Just reply "sorry, I thought you couldn't make it? Yes, you're invited - it starts at this time"