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AIBU?

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Original poster

Political views and friends drop off

71 replies

Noononoo · 03/10/2025 10:37

In all my rather long life my political views have been in accord with my friends, even confidently leading them. Fashionable, on trend etc etc. no problem. Most of my friends weren’t as feminist as I, I published left wing political stuff.
But now things have radically changed:
I am not in the streets waving the Palestinian flag:
I was so appalled at 10/7 and shocked at how little sympathy was expressed for the Jewish community , how anti semitism rose. I had been aware of antisemitism in the Palestinian solidarity movement since the 90’s, a small but chilling faction. It was always ignored. There are ten times the number if Muslims voting in this country compared to Jews. The Overton window has shifted. Politicians know which side their bread is buttered.
I found out that if I posted anything pretty mild about women’s rights I was getting blanked. I am gender critical in line with my passion for feminism and wary of the patriarchy, damned if a few men will dictate what women are called and where they can go. Not fashionable.
And now I realise that friends have dropped away. I’m not at all on trend. In fact I’m a bit scary it seems. Best avoided. Can it be a coincidence? I just wondered if this rang true for anyone else?

OP posts:
YorkshireGoldDrinker · 03/10/2025 10:45

Hi OP, you're not alone. A lot of people have been losing friends all over the place since lockdown, perhaps even before then. Friendship circles have been shrinking a lot. I think things started to shift massively from 2016.

Bagsintheboot · 03/10/2025 10:50

Politics and religion are two things best kept to oneself if you want to be popular (and certainly never conversations for a party or a dinner table).

It's always a choice I'm afraid - be vocal in your beliefs and risk alienating friends, or keep it to yourself and fit in. Doesn't matter whether you're an ardent Reformist or one of Jeremy Corbyn's acolytes, the same is true for any political stripe.

GhislaineDeFeligondeRose · 03/10/2025 10:53

Don't worry about being "on trend" or not or "confidently leading" friends' opinions. You think what you want and let them do the same. Find new friends if you feel you have to confidently lead your friends in their opinions.

sesquipedalian · 03/10/2025 10:53

OP, I find it’s best to agree to disagree with friends - we know (roughly) what each other’s opinions are, and we certainly don’t vote the same way, yet we are still friends - it is possible!

persephonia · 03/10/2025 10:54

Even confidently leading them.
I’m not at all on trend.
Hmmm...
In probably with you in some areas but not in others. However, it sounds like in the past you were used to being in the position of trusted authority/liked being the leader. A few things could be going on

  • as people become more mature, comfortable in their own lives and heads they are going to be more independent of thought. They naturally aren't going to look to you to lead their opinions
  • it's possible if you are used to being the one leading on those things you have been more strident than you realised or possibly the conversations have been one way. Is there a chance they has been a microcosm of the "shy Tory" effect on reverse in your friendship group.for a while and it's only becoming obvious now
  • I think it's important to be able to talk politics but if people feel hectored and lectures they will switch of or rebel. This 100% exists as a problem on the left and right

Can you try not talking about politics with your friends as much? I don't mean self censor to avoid cancellation. But once someone has said what they think, and the other person has said their thoughts, there becomes a point where "debate" is just going over and over the same ground. It's tiring and most people don't enjoy it. Especially if there is other stuff going on in their lives (jobs, babies, relationships, family deaths) that are being disregarded for politics. And especially if you give the impression you think you should be "leading" them.

Basically,.can you agree to disagree? I have a lot of good friends I do this with.

GhislaineDeFeligondeRose · 03/10/2025 10:56

They probably don't want a friend who calls their opinions "on trend" when it's just their opinion. Seems a bit condescending

Rizzz · 03/10/2025 11:03

I don't know, it all sounds a bit stuffy and self-important OP.

Almost as though you're upset at being knocked off your political perch.

But these are friends you're talking about so are you a good friend? Are you kind, supportive, generous, a good laugh etc?

If the answer is yes, then it must be a coincidence.

If it's no, then they've possibly just dimmed your political spotlight as they may have had enough of it?

LeaderBee · 03/10/2025 11:03

I'm really not surprised to find out that you are liberal and left leaning, seems to be those that are first to kick up a stink when it comes to their friends opposing views.

gannett · 03/10/2025 11:14

Whichever side of the aisle you're on, dismissing other people's opinions as "fashionable" and "on trend" is never going to go down well because it's really fucking insulting. If anyone insinuated that I only hold my political beliefs to be trendy I'd drop them like a stone.

If you only held left-leaning beliefs because they were fashionable and on trend, well then we're well rid of you.

spicycats · 03/10/2025 11:29

I have no interest in discussing politics and I would avoid people who banged on about their views - whether I agreed with them or not.

HelpMeGetThrough · 03/10/2025 11:37

I won’t even discuss politics and religion with my OH, as I know for sure our religious views differ greatly, probably our political views too.

QuietlyFrench · 03/10/2025 11:49

The old adage about religion and politics is true.

I keep both out of my friendships.

I’m pretty confident some of my good friends hold different opinions to me. We just don’t go there. They have their views, I have mine; we keep our own counsel.

Driftingawaynow · 03/10/2025 12:17

totally valid to despise antisemitism and hold the view that women should have access to safe Spaces, but it comes across that you lack compassion for trans people and Palestinians who are facing a genocide which is deeply unappealing imo

ExpressCheckout · 03/10/2025 12:25

It's tough. I have one long-term friend who is very 'pro-Gaza' and won't listen to any critical debate, to the point of shouting and being incredibly rude.

I have another long-term friend who voted for Brexit and stated recently she was pro-capital punishment, which was a total shock.

I'm not engaging with any political discussion with either of these friends now. I don't like being shouted at, and capital punishment disgusts me to the core.

People, even friends, seem to have forgotten how to debate quietly and agree to disagree. I have no idea why we've got to this point, but it's very sad.

CoffeeCantata · 03/10/2025 12:43

Bagsintheboot · 03/10/2025 10:50

Politics and religion are two things best kept to oneself if you want to be popular (and certainly never conversations for a party or a dinner table).

It's always a choice I'm afraid - be vocal in your beliefs and risk alienating friends, or keep it to yourself and fit in. Doesn't matter whether you're an ardent Reformist or one of Jeremy Corbyn's acolytes, the same is true for any political stripe.

I agree. I see various friend and hobby groups each week and I dread the one or two politicos getting on their soapboxes.

What do they think they’re doing? I don’t care what their politics are (within obvious limits) and all they do is bore or irritate. I just don’t understand why they rant on. If they feel that strongly they need to be out there campaigning actively, not spoiling other people’s leisure time.

ComtesseDeSpair · 03/10/2025 12:57

I was away last weekend with a big group of friends of differing levels of closeness with each other, and there were several occasions where conversation would drift into politics, particularly after a few drinks. I was so impressed and heartened that there were a couple of instances when things began to get heated with disagreement where somebody would say something along the lines of “we’re only going to get worked up and potentially upset each other if we keep on with this and we don’t want to do that to our friends, we’re all clever and insightful people and have thought a lot about the views we hold, let’s just agree to disagree on this and talk about something else.”

It works as long as everyone acknowledges that actually, most of the people who you respect and have enough in common with to be their friend in the first place have developed their views through thought, experience, research etc and those views will have valid points even if you don’t agree with anything. And if you don’t believe they have and are just stupid for not agreeing with you, it’s probably a much deeper friendship issue.

FOJN · 03/10/2025 13:49

You sound a little put out that your cosy, smug bubble has been burst.

"Confidently leading" "fashionable" "on trend", what do you mean? My politics are informed by my values and principles which don't change with the wind.

DashboardConfession · 03/10/2025 14:04

Nobody is going to give you a pat on the back and a "bravo" for being gender-critical or on the side of the people starving out Palestinians at the moment. Both sides of both arguments have some very strongly-held beliefs and you will meet opposition if you voice an opinion.

chipsticksmammy · 03/10/2025 14:08

gannett · 03/10/2025 11:14

Whichever side of the aisle you're on, dismissing other people's opinions as "fashionable" and "on trend" is never going to go down well because it's really fucking insulting. If anyone insinuated that I only hold my political beliefs to be trendy I'd drop them like a stone.

If you only held left-leaning beliefs because they were fashionable and on trend, well then we're well rid of you.

This.

XWKD · 03/10/2025 14:13

The revulsion after the 7/10 attacks was huge. I think you're rewriting history there a little bit.

TheaBrandt1 · 03/10/2025 14:13

Think you are me op. Plus I know and like many Jewish people so instinctively feel for them. Fortunately most women I know my age are GC. The relief on realising my old university friends group all felt the same when the topic tentatively was raised was real.

chipsticksmammy · 03/10/2025 14:15

The wording in your OP shows exactly why you’ve been ditched. I’m sure you’ll figure it out eventually.

IAmThePrettiestManOnMyIsland · 03/10/2025 14:59

sesquipedalian · 03/10/2025 10:53

OP, I find it’s best to agree to disagree with friends - we know (roughly) what each other’s opinions are, and we certainly don’t vote the same way, yet we are still friends - it is possible!

Agreed. Luckily my politics align with my best friends but I'm friendly with people who's politics don't. It's about finding common ground.

TeenLifeMum · 03/10/2025 15:01

I use social media for entertainment. Cute kittens and silly pandas. Friends’ political views is not what I want to see there. There is a time and a place.

Original poster
Noononoo · 04/10/2025 07:38

Thanks to all those who have commented and the couple who understood what I was trying to say.
For the record no one I meet casually on a friendly daily basis has any idea of my views on these issues. Not relevant best avoided etc etc and I have always been more than happy to agree to disagree to discuss and listen and be listened to.. it’s the fear that is new.
I’m talking about very old friends often on social media, and even there I very rarely bring stuff up but I suspect I am expected to agree with others more. Show more public support.
another way of putting it us that I have always fitted in, found my home, in the left wing camp and now my views are seen as right wing which for me is bizarre but I’m not going to change them because of that
I think the silencing and backing off is the fear from others. It’s always comforting to feel in a group, to trust the BBC and the Guardian and now I don’t.
I’m ok with it just wondered if it was shared, not asking for life tips. Though I must admit I feel politically stranded.

OP posts: