School vetoed chats about crushes!

[Franny1]

Interested to know what people think about this… my DD’s year group (year 3) have been told they are no longer allowed to talk about who they have crushes on etc. DD said the teacher said something about secrets so I’m guessing someone has got upset after someone else told their secret and there’s been some teasing or embarrassment or something.
I totally get that this sort of thing can lead to people getting upset. And I also don’t care much for the silly crushes chat myself! But I feel really strongly that they can’t tell kids what they can or can’t talk about in their own private conversations, and that this is a terrible precedent/lesson to teach young people about free speech! Is my DD really supposed to stop herself if she’s just chatting quietly to a friend in the playground because the subject matter has been vetoed?? And surely in any case they need to teach them HOW to handle these types of conversations without upsetting people, ie the importance of not betraying confidences, not embarrassing people or teasing, and so on…

Thoughts?

I worked in schools, and I understand why they did it, it must have caused a big fuss that upset a lot of kids. School is for learning.

It’s all very well children having private chats, and of course no one can tell them not to do that. But this sounds like it’s spilling over into the classroom; children getting upset over someone betraying their confidence, for example, or secrets being used to bully and humiliate. Maybe the teacher said ‘I don’t want to hear any more about crushes from anyone in this class’ rather than telling them they can’t talk about it. Or at least im
guessing that’s what they meant by it.

So interestingly they have literally told them they are simply now allowed to talk about it (they announced it in an assembly) rather than just saying I don’t want to hear any more about it, or talking about bullying, or the difference between privacy/discretion/secrecy etc.

I’d have been totally cool with a teacher saying I don’t want to hear anymore about crushes, or about addressing it with any nuance. It’s the idea that two friends just chatting about something amongst themselves that isn’t innately rude or mean has suddenly been vetoed that bothers me.

Because the chatting was upsetting other children, and interrupting learning.

Year 3??!!!!

I thought this thread would be about Secondary school age kids or something.

YABVU

Wow, I am quite surprised to hear that Year 3 children are already talking about crushes. My daughter is in Year 2, and it made me reflect on how early these conversations are starting.
Perhaps the school could consider setting a clear expectation that such topics are not discussed on school premises, especially if they are upsetting for some children.
Of course, outside of school, children should free to talk about whatever they wish as long as it not harmful to others. Surely, teachers know that??
However, as a parent, I would also personally discourage these kinds of conversations at this age, as they can easily lead to unnecessary drama. The children are still very young, and there are so many other important and interesting things they could be talking about instead.

But it's a huge issue when kids are being teased and bullied about it....
I care for children after school and I've seen the upset it causes. One child making up stories about another child liking someone else... both were teased mercilessly about it, causing one of them to refuse to go to school....
At that age I was more bothered about playing with my Barbies!

Good for the school, they presumably wouldn’t have made this decision without good reason, most likely that these “private chats” aren’t staying private and are causing upset / embarrassment / unnecessary drama which needs to be stopped.

Haven't they just! I remember other children talking about who was going out with whom when I was in the last year of primary school, and thinking how stupid and ridiculous it was, as we were only eleven or so, so why would anyone be interested in that stuff; I was too busy just being a kid! and having a mega crush on Nick Rhodes 😳

I think its a good idea to be fair! "Crushes" are semi harmless but they can cause embarrassment and upset especially for those who know what it means and let's face it, kids can be cruel to each other. It's not censorship it's guidance, otherwise they learn that its ok to talk and gossip about others, and potentially make fun of others, which isn't kind and further down the line can have lasting effects on the child!

On a more lighthearted note, what's with these kids and having crushes and boyfriends! They need to concentrate more on being a kid. I work as a sports coach, predominantly coaching kids, and most of the girls from ages 5 to 11 have told me about their crush or boyfriend , and ive told them they are too young 😆 the 11 year olds, ok i get, but the 5 year olds...I had a girl tell me last week that this boy in her class is the love of her life, shes 6! Where is she getting this! When I was 6, I had no idea!

This reminds me of once when I was there in my son's preschool for the morning, and I head the headmistress saying loudly "I will not have tears over colours or dresses!"

I looked round and there was a whole gaggle of little girls dressed up in beautiful princess dresses looking looking extremely irritable with each other.

I didn't have a daughter, so didn't really live in the world, but it was very very funny looking in from the outside.

When I was at primary in the 90s, we definitely had crushes, played catchy kissy (obviously that was of it's time) and had 'marriage' ceremonies. It was very innocent, mine was a very small Catholic school. Maybe it's different today because kids are more aware generally but some of it is just kids role playing what they see in the world around and exploring with their peers.

I understand why you find it worrying op that school are policing whole topics (which in turn makes it more exciting and taboo). I do understand their position if it's interrupting work or upsetting some students but I'm not sure outright banning chatter is the way to go.

For those saying let kids be kids, exploring feelings and ideas with peers in a playful way is letting them learn. When kids (primary) say crush they don't mean they have sexual feelings.

This nonsense started in nursery. One little chap had three girlfriends who all loved him dearly. I did remember thinking he’d possibly peaked too soon.

I actually think the school making that rule is better than a teacher saying I don't want to hear it anymore.

The latter is the teacher removing themselves from it but it could still be happening behind the scene; the victims will still be the victims but with nowhere to go to report because the teacher doesn't want to hear of it anymore.

The former is the school actually safeguarding the victims and any potential victims of this sort of conversation and behaviour spilling over into something wild. It stops the abusers more so.

I do have to say that banning things never completely bans it because people will always find a way to do what they've been told not to do, let alone told not to say. However, it's better if they can't freely torment others with it anymore and will officially get in trouble if they do.

Also, I was with you OP at first but upon reading all the posts, I believe it's fine for them to announce it and I understand why they took that step.

I think it saves embarrassment a lot later, so probably a good thing. Most people would not want to be reminded of who they had crush on at that age.

I’d be quite happy with this as some parents like to push the girlfriend/boyfriend stuff and others don’t. Some were giving valentine’s gifts in year 1. All a bit much.

Free speech is a total red herring. There are masses of sensible restrictions on what’s appropriate to talk about in class. You wouldn’t give carte blanche to bullying speech or sectarian speech at a school. Why should this be different?

Presumably the teacher thought it was a distraction or that certain children were getting upset. I think it’s the job of a teacher to intervene where appropriate to restore calm and confidence.

Incidentally year 3 children having “crushes” is ridiculous. They don’t know what a crush means so either they have been watching social media or older siblings have been filling their heads with this nonsense.

I am with the teacher.

It's ludicrous, isn't it. It's all coming back to me now. Being told by a girl that the year's Master Desirable - not in my eyes; I couldn't for the life of fathom the attraction - had apparently said that "he would go out with Unctuous - if she weren't so ugly". Well, whoopifuckingdoo, I was sooo flattered - NOT. 🙄🙄🙄 I retorted that I couldn't be less interested in "going out" with Lover Boy if I tried. Eleven was well old enough to see through the bullshit. And actually the only boy that I might have thought "nice looking" was a Stuart Adamson lookalike who was a genuinely pleasant lad, friendly to everyone, not an arrogant sod who inexplicably fancied himself. I was glad to leave that school and all that nonsense behind.

Exactly some children are so fast and forward today.
My child would have been highly confused about this in Y3. What are some kids exposed to or getting these big ideas?

Ours were told they weren't allowed to talk about it as the teachers were spending a LOT of time dealing with the fallout.They could have crushes, and boyfriends/girlfriends but they weren't to talk about it at school.

7/8 year olds having actual crushes? What a load of BS.

As a teacher - it causes lots of problems, arguments and embarrassment. Teachers should guide them to talk about friendships, not crushes. Its hardly censoring free speech.

If youre in the UK we dont have free speech

I think its a mistake because school just made crush chat more exciting! But tbh i wouldnt really care one way or another, there are things in life you cant say in certain environments. Dont talk in church, don't be cheeky, dont swear in front of grandma, dont speak when the teacher is, dont make inappropriate comments, speak with kindness, dont say certain contentious things at work.. I dont think its bad for them to learn sometimes you have to think about what you say if it causes upset or distraction

In two minds, on one I envisage it all a bit innocent chat.
On the other hand, sometimes it can get out of hand, one group go telling others, bullying starts and accelerating difficult chat and I bet anything at least 5 parents have complained. The school just don’t need the aggro and want to promote better conversations and relationships.