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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My DD5 said she didn’t think her teacher thought she was smart

48 replies

pumpkinpa · 03/10/2025 07:22

I’m not making a big deal out of this, she’s only 5. I just wanted some advice from more experienced parents really.

We had parents evening the other day and I told my DD her teacher has said she was doing well at school- getting on well with her friends, being kind, answering questions in class and that her teacher was very pleased with her. DD was so happy, she was beaming and she said :

’ did my teacher say I was smart ?? ‘

as a knew jerk reaction I said ‘ yes of course !’

DD beaming even more ‘ really mum ?? Really ?? Does she believe in me ? I didn’t think she thought I was smart and I didn’t think she believed in me ! Mum does she believe in me ?’

’ Of course she does !! ‘..

anyway, it broke my heart a little bit of course. I wondered why she had that impression. I asked DD but she just said she didn’t know.

this teacher is lovely and I doubt she has made DD feel like she doesn’t believe in her.

of course at home I am trying to praise effort, more than outcome and I think this is how they encourage the children at school too.

I keep reinforcing that it’s about how hard she tries at things that’s important and not whether she ‘ wins or is the best ‘ or whatever. She struggles when she doesn’t win. We had a tennis tournament a few months ago and she took it hard that she didn’t get a medal.

she is only 5 of course, these feelings are normal but how can I foster self esteem in her ? Am I doing anything wrong my praising effort, rather than outcome etc ? Thanks

OP posts:

Dooaleapa · 03/10/2025 07:30

I understand where you are coming from but honestly you are coming across as being a little anxious and overthinking

LoftyRobin · 03/10/2025 07:31

I find it hard to believe that a 5 year old asked if her teacher "believes in her". I do think she might have asked if she considered her smart.

Original poster

pumpkinpa · 03/10/2025 07:32

yeah I am probably overthinking it. I just wanted to check if other more experienced parents think I need to change anything or if this is just completely normal for her age.

OP posts:

Original poster

pumpkinpa · 03/10/2025 07:32

LoftyRobin · 03/10/2025 07:31

I find it hard to believe that a 5 year old asked if her teacher "believes in her". I do think she might have asked if she considered her smart.

I swear on my life- those were her exact words. Why is that hard to believe ? Why would I make it up ?

OP posts:

LoftyRobin · 03/10/2025 07:34

pumpkinpa · 03/10/2025 07:32

I swear on my life- those were her exact words. Why is that hard to believe ? Why would I make it up ?

Show quote history

Why?

Because she asked about the smart thing and you are worried that the teacher may actually think your child isn't smart and that would mean that she doesn’t "believe in her". I think that part is your addition.

Original poster

pumpkinpa · 03/10/2025 07:34

I also don’t know where she got that kind of language from about ‘ believing in someone ‘. I have never used it with her.

OP posts:

Gizlotsmum · 03/10/2025 07:35

Do you use those words a lot? Do you often tell her ( rightly) you believe in her? Maybe work a bit on handling when things don’t go to plan ( trying your best ) which is sounds like you do. She is still little at 5.

saveforthat · 03/10/2025 07:35

My son is grown up now but I can't imagine him saying things like that when he was 5. Are you in the UK? Those phrases sound American. Could she have watched a film where similar was said?

LoftyRobin · 03/10/2025 07:35

pumpkinpa · 03/10/2025 07:34

I also don’t know where she got that kind of language from about ‘ believing in someone ‘. I have never used it with her.

Yes kids talk about believing in Santa which means "existing". Your child is aware that the teacher knows she exists in the physical sense and a 5 year old isn't going to speaking metaphorically.

Dramatic · 03/10/2025 07:37

pumpkinpa · 03/10/2025 07:32

I swear on my life- those were her exact words. Why is that hard to believe ? Why would I make it up ?

Show quote history

It's hard to believe because a 5yo wouldn't normally use that sort of phrasing. Not saying you're making it up but I can see why people might think that.

MushMonster · 03/10/2025 07:39

You did the right thing, I think. I think your little one is competitive.
I do not think that just praising the effort will cut it with her. Or, maybe, effort is thre only thing praised. Start telling her I love your drawing, you played so well, you are so fast, that is a smart girl!
Instead of you worked so hard, you put that much effort!
At the end of the day, yeah I want my manager to notice I am putting an effort, but I want that effort to become something they think well of. Imagine if all your reviews at work were about the effort, instead of your outcomes. It would not feel that good would it? You worked hard on your last report versus I loved the amount of research you put into, it has helped us to gather so much knowledge about this subject. Which one would you like more?

InterestedDad37 · 03/10/2025 07:39

"does she believe in me" (etc) sounds like something from either a Disney/Pixar kind of kids film, or a TV talent show.

Dooaleapa · 03/10/2025 07:39

She’s obviously picked up that phrase from somewhere, possibly her teacher

Owly11 · 03/10/2025 07:41

It sounds like there’s some weird language being used at the school if this kind of language isn’t used in the home - presumably by this teacher your daughter is so keen on impressing. If it comes up again I would talk to your dd and correct the idea that it’s important that her teacher believes in her or thinks she’s smart. It sounds bonkers. A teacher’s role is to teach not ‘believe’ in pupils or focus on whether they are ‘smart’ or not.

INeedAnotherName · 03/10/2025 07:42

DD beaming even more ‘ really mum ?? Really ?? Does she believe in me ? I didn’t think she thought I was smart and I didn’t think she believed in me ! Mum does she believe in me ?’

Has she been watching Tinkerbell or other fairy/santa stories recently? Because otherwise it is hard to believe a child would pluck that out of nowhere tbh. Go back months as these feelings/memories pop out of nowhere at times.

Am I doing anything wrong my praising effort, rather than outcome etc ?

It's a balancing act. Sometimes you have to downplay effort where it involves another person. Your DD is basing her effort = teacher liking her more. You wouldn't encourage a man to keep putting in more effort to get someone to like him for instance. Praise the effort when another person isn't involved such as learning letters, reading etc.

MushMonster · 03/10/2025 07:43

About the wording... of course a 5 year old can and would use those concepts and language! It only takes a film, book, or her overhearing other people.

Original poster

pumpkinpa · 03/10/2025 07:44

Yeah whatever she said- she wants the teacher to believe she’s smart and didn’t think she did.

I explained to her that teachers don’t tell pupils they’re smart in general. It’s not something they do.

OP posts:

Britanniarulesthewaves · 03/10/2025 07:53

I’d assume your DC will be telling the teacher probably quite a bit ‘I’m so smart’, the teacher obviously saying something non-committal and your DC expecting to be gushed over.
I agree believe in me is harder to believe over believe me. But maybe she’s been watching a lot of Tv where this phrase is used.

SterlingsGold · 03/10/2025 08:07

Has she watched a tv show or film where they would use that sort of language? It sounds like something she’s heard somewhere and is repeating. I agree that it’s unlikely from anything a decent teacher has said.

KnitKnitKnitting · 03/10/2025 08:11

Why is everyone stuck on this “I believe in you” phrase? It frequently crops up in kids TV, books, songs.

I wouldn’t be worried OP. Mine came home at 5 in tears that his teacher hated him. She didn’t, she’d just nicely told him to stop messing around. When you’re 5 your teacher is an amazingly important person in your life, but one who doesn’t treat you the way parents, grandparents etc do. That’s a whole new social understanding for little children to learn. Keep praising both effort and achievement. If anything else crops up, then maybe think about something more. At the beginning of year 1 mine really struggled with “I can’t do this, I’m stupid”, school did some 1:1 self esteem work with him for a term which really helped.

Glowingup · 03/10/2025 08:17

It’s nothing to do with the teacher - it’s not any teachers responsibility to make even the most mediocre child feel like they are Einstein. You might want to look at your own home life if she’s started to put pressure on herself to be smart. She’s obviously getting it from somewhere. Does she have super successful siblings? Or are you or her dad particularly accomplished?

Poppingby · 03/10/2025 08:18

This is exactly the kind of thing my kids would have said and got off 'the next step' TV programme or some other bilge. It's like they give formal credence to a throwaway line/plot device some hack with a hangover has thought up.

I don't think you're overthinking. I personally wouldn't have used the same words back to her. I might've said 'well teachers don't really talk like that about their students but she definitely said you were doing well/trying hard etc so I'm sure she does believe in you but do you believe in YOURSELF because that's the most important thing'. However this is one of about a billion conversations like this so I wouldn't worry too much.

On the 'smart' thing I'm completely with you on trying hard being preferable but you've come to the point where you're going to have to engage in conversations about the idea of cleverness as an innate quality Vs working hard as something you can do otherwise she's just going to think she's not clever of 6 you never say the words. That's what kids and especially girls are like unfortunately.

Swiftie1878 · 03/10/2025 08:20

pumpkinpa · 03/10/2025 07:32

I swear on my life- those were her exact words. Why is that hard to believe ? Why would I make it up ?

Show quote history

It’s a very odd turn of phrase for any child, let alone a 5 year old.
Are you in the States?

Original poster

pumpkinpa · 03/10/2025 08:42

Yeah I bet she heard the expression somewhere in a film. No we are not in the USA. I’m not sure why the focus is on that so much. Fact remains, she wants the teacher to confirm she’s smart. Teachers don’t do that. I have explained. I also said that teachers think all children are smart because they are. But that they don’t tell them.

also in no way shape or form am I blaming the teacher for anything here. She’s great

OP posts:

Thundertoast · 03/10/2025 08:44

Has another child maybe said to her 'Teacher says she believes in me' to her and thats why she's so stuck on it. Seems a weird phrase for her to repeat. As in, maybe this is a friend jealousy/wanting to share in something with a friend thing rather than a confidence issue.

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