My DD5 said she didn’t think her teacher thought she was smart

[pumpkinpa]

I’m not making a big deal out of this, she’s only 5. I just wanted some advice from more experienced parents really.

We had parents evening the other day and I told my DD her teacher has said she was doing well at school- getting on well with her friends, being kind, answering questions in class and that her teacher was very pleased with her. DD was so happy, she was beaming and she said :

’ did my teacher say I was smart ?? ‘

as a knew jerk reaction I said ‘ yes of course !’

DD beaming even more ‘ really mum ?? Really ?? Does she believe in me ? I didn’t think she thought I was smart and I didn’t think she believed in me ! Mum does she believe in me ?’

’ Of course she does !! ‘..

anyway, it broke my heart a little bit of course. I wondered why she had that impression. I asked DD but she just said she didn’t know.

this teacher is lovely and I doubt she has made DD feel like she doesn’t believe in her.

of course at home I am trying to praise effort, more than outcome and I think this is how they encourage the children at school too.

I keep reinforcing that it’s about how hard she tries at things that’s important and not whether she ‘ wins or is the best ‘ or whatever. She struggles when she doesn’t win. We had a tennis tournament a few months ago and she took it hard that she didn’t get a medal.

she is only 5 of course, these feelings are normal but how can I foster self esteem in her ? Am I doing anything wrong my praising effort, rather than outcome etc ? Thanks

That made me 'awe'... She's going to be fine.
I bet that was the encouragement she wanted to steam ahead.

I did try to do a bit of digging. I asked if she thinks her teacher thinks other kids are smart etc and she just said ‘ I don’t know’ .

I remember, very clearly, wanting the approval of my teacher when I was a bit older- maybe 6/7. And not getting it the same way that I was used to getting it.

I think it’s a similar thing with my DD probably. She doesn’t get the same feedback as at home, which is normal - but she thinks therefore her teacher doesn’t think she’s smart/ good.

Perhaps she’s picked the phrases up from another child. I have noticed my daughter doing this. "Smart" is also such a strange adjective for a British child to use instead of clever.

It doesn’t sound like your DD’s going to drop this and your sleight of hand or placating her aren’t working. Lying to your DD about what her teacher said only makes things worse, what happens if her teacher disputes what you said she said?

Something is clearly going on with your DD and it’s your job as a parent to try and find out what. If you know what the issues are then you are better placed to handle them. Firstly, your daughter is 5, her understanding of her word choices aren’t as solid as yours. Talk to her teacher, what kind of child is she in class? What is she like in her interactions with her peers or with adults? Is she being picked on?

Its tough being a parent, just when you think your getting the hang of it something else crops up that you feel totally unqualified for.

I think in a class of 30 it's quite easy for average, generally well behaved kids to feel they're not really noticed. At ds's first parents evening his teacher even said that she didn't feel like she really knew him. He just got on with stuff, wasn't overly loud or demanding and his work was middle of the road.

Maybe that's what's happening here? She's just feeling a bit forgotten in a large class with other more demanding kids with higher needs?

Not sure why people are so obsessed with the exact phrases she used and why. But it's peak MN.

she only mentioned it once so far.
the teacher said she’s doing great and is great with her peers, no problems with any children or with her school work. She’s in a small class of 15.

the more I think about it, the more I think that she just wants validation in the same way she gets from us, but she’s not going to get it like that at school and she needs to learn that it doesn’t mean people don’t think highly of her, just because they don’t validate her in the same way we do. Well ideally she needs to learn that the validation needs to come from within her, actually and not from outside sources.

I hear British people using the term smart and clever. We aren’t American.. I never thought it was a strange word to use tbh.

Surely if a teacher tells certain children they are smart then the non smart ones overhearing would be sad -I’m sure Dd can get that

I’m sure her teacher would be more diplomatic towards a 5 year old than disputing that and telling her that her mum lied to her. She’d be in the wrong job if she was so careless to do that. I was going to speak to the teacher about it maybe anyway just so she knows what I said. I’m sure she won’t make a big deal out of it.

before anyone comes for me for ‘ wasting the teachers time ‘, I think it’s fine and the teaches like us to talk to them about what’s going on with our kids.

I very much doubt the teacher told anyone they’re smart. That’s just my feeling and when I asked DD she indicated the same.

Me too. Ive never heard a 5 year old say something like that!!

I think it's a consequence of the fact they grew up hearing different media from us. They are expressing the same idea, it just sounds a bit off to us.

What does it add to the discussion that that was her choice of words ? I’m just curious ? What does it say about her ? About us and about my post that she chose to use those words ?

I would have taken 'smart' to mean clean, tidy and nicely dressed, not clever.

Smart is a common word where I am.
‘That was really smart, well done!’
’aren’t you a smarty pants!’
I mean going back a while but only smarties have the answers!

I think this little girl sound very articulate and tbh think if I wrote on here some of the things my dd said at that age people would think I was lying.

It says that she either watches a lot of very Americanised television, or that you are embellishing what she said with what you think she "really" means.

My opinion, of course.

This is all way, WAY too intense for a 5 year old.

It sounds like she's slightly craving her teacher's approval which is totally normal. It's also totally normal for children to want to be clever. I would just do what you're doing and reinforce the things you think are important.

Re believing in someone, my 10 year old came home this week with her chest almost visibly puffed up because the teacher had trusted her to do something, really pleased about the 'trust' aspect. It's basically the same thing. Sounds like she just wants approval and reassurance.

the more I think about it, the more I think that she just wants validation in the same way she gets from us, but she’s not going to get it like that at school and she needs to learn that it doesn’t mean people don’t think highly of her, just because they don’t validate her in the same way we do. Well ideally she needs to learn that the validation needs to come from within her, actually and not from outside sources.

You may be onto something but ‘am I smart?’ Is very specific, especially if it isn’t vocabulary you use at home. I’d be interested to know what her definition of ‘being smart’ is and why it’s so important to her.

The fact you remember feeling the same way at 6 is interesting and suggests she's picked it up from you.

Yeah I think so. I don’t remember if I felt like she didn’t think I was good/ smart or whatever you want to call it.

but I remember her demeanour and face and her attitude towards me and how alien it felt that she didn’t acknowledge all the extra effort I was making compared to the other kids and how hard I was trying to please her. I expected her to react the same way the other adults always reacted, praising me for being so good at stuff but she just didn’t do that as much as I expected.

I do praise my DD a fair bit when she’s behaving well. Because she can also be quite disobedient ( which I never was ). So instead of always focusing on her ‘ bad ‘ behaviour, I praise her good behaviour. I have a reward system etc. maybe she’s now so used to it that she constantly expects a pat on the back and finds it weird when it’s not given. I don’t know. But they also operate a reward system at school and she gets a lot of the rewards , so I am told.

it’s tough isn’t it. How do we reward good behaviour without over rewarding it and making them feel like they need external validation all the time? I think I need to focus more on how she feels when she makes an effort / does her chores/ practices reading. I do that a bit, but maybe not enough.

Yes you definitely cannot continually praise for things that should be expected of them like basic obedience or contributions to housework. I hate when a kid like shares their sweets and someone (usually their mum) makes a huge deal about how amazingly kind they are.