Ex took my kids & now they won’t speak to me

[Winni208]

I’m going through the most difficult time of my life. My ex ran off with our children while on bail for DV. They are teenagers. For a whole month, I didn’t know where they were, nor were they in school, I suffered immensely during that time. Eventually, after an ultimatum from social services and the police, he confirmed where they were staying and they went back to school. But, their attitude toward me has changed beyond belief. We separated 7 years ago, and they lived with just me, seeing him in the holidays because he lived far up north. Now they’ve become distant and cold. The older two are unresponsive (17 & 15), and with my youngest (13) I’m lucky if I get a single word in a week. I’ve made all the relevant applications, and proceedings are ongoing, but with them being teenagers I feel the odds are stacked against me. I am bereft and in so much pain, yet I carry on, go to work, and keep doing what needs to be done. It feels like he’s turned them against me, how, I don’t know?! But I’ve heard through friends kids that he’s been telling them I’m dangerous and other awful things, dc have also said they hate me but can't say why. So many people have stopped talking to me, but I'm grateful I have old friends and family that have stood by me. Has anyone been through something similar? How did you cope with the pain? How did things turn out in the end? Is there anything else I could do to help them? Any advice or support would mean so much right now.

Have you been honest with them about what he is like?

@DorothyStorm they knew he was manipulative and controlling as he did it to them, and they saw him doing it to me, the older too would even challenge on it when he did it to them. But I never told them about the physical abuse. I thought I shouldn't to protect them.

fight for your kids op
but also know that kids need their mum
they 💯 WILL come running back to you
keep the door wide open & keep communication open
you haven’t lost them and you won’t
stay strong , keep your job , look after yourself

Why are you protecting him?
The abuse was not your fault so tell them what he did.
If you have any evidence get it all together (copies, not originals) and show them all it. Pictures, police reports, hospital visits, anything from the courts/solicitors etc. Or, get trusted friends/family to confirm it.
Stop protecting him, tell them the truth . He is clearly manipulating them against you, dripping poison into their immature brains.
Please, fight for them - they sound like they willl need therapy. Don’t gwsowve up on them . Good luck.

@LunaDeBallona I wasn't protecting him, I didn't want to traumatise them by telling them all that, and that's the advice I had from everywhere maybe it was wrong. And now I don't even get to see them to tell them. I can't even message it to them as it will get used against me in court, the older 2 have asked I stop calling them, which I was only doing once a week, they said I was pressuring them emotionally. I a feel so lost. I will keep fighting until I' told It's over. Thank you for replying.

He has lied to your children. The first step is to try to find out what kind of lie he has told.

This.

OP it sounds incredibly hard. But he’s told them something so horrific it made them not want to engage with you.

Of your children are okay living with him after they themselves recognised and called out some of his behaviours, just imagine how big this lie he’s told them must be in order to want to go NC like this.

Dragging the kids into this further by telling them what a prick he has been won’t help imo. They can see for themselves. get professional support to make skillful approaches to them and remember life is long and they will probably want contact at some Point. Can’t imagine how you must be feeling but don’t let people pressure you into badmouthing him to them as it could really backfire.

@TY78910 I think he has told them that I'm trying to put him in jail by lying to the police, that this will take him away from them, and will ruin their lives. I wonder if they feel sorry for him and now see him as the victim. There are 20 plus evidenced incidents of DV, DC don’t know that, whereas he does. Maybe he's trying to counter this. The only thing my oldest said to me before cutting me off was, “Why are you lying to the police about Dad?” Sadly, my oldest actually witnessed an assault the day before — it was so bad it was the last straw and that's why I finally went to the police. So I was shocked that he asked me that, and even took the stance that it didn’t happen, when he saw it. He also said he will hurt me if I carry on like this. I wonder if I stayed too long and my eldest has become like his father.

Just wanted to send you so much love, please stay strong.
He will show his true colours to them soon enough and you’ll find out what lies he’s said.
Just keep being their amazing loving mother that you are and they’ll come back.
He won’t be able to keep up the fake act loving with them 24/7 and they’re old enough and from past experience will see it soon enough.
💐

Oh my goodness - 20 plus evidenced DV incidents?
As in you have photos / evidence of 20 + times he’s physically harmed you?

Im so sorry, well done for being so brave and standing up to him.
Surely this is a case for SS and yes the children should see the photos / evidence as they are in danger being with him.

You have my sympathies @Winni208

I brought my daughter up one since she was 3 weeks old. Her Dad would come, go, for years at time sometimes, but I never denied them a relationship.

She came home the day after her 16th birthday and said she was going to live with Dad.

It absolutely broke me. One week turned into to two, into three - I'd never been apart from her for even a week. I ended up the care of the crisis team.

Weeks have turned in to 10 months, and I'm slowly looking at my life and thinking about myself for once and trying to put at a positive spin on things - she'd be leaving for Uni in 2 years anyway, time to treat myself. But there is no relationship there. Often if I text or try to call she admits she can't speak to me because Dad's there!

Some of the responses on this thread have left in disbelief at what you've said and shoving your tuppence worth in.
Well kindly, if you've never had your entire life and heart broken by such a thing, then shut the fuck up.

Is he still on bail? And are the charges for DV against you?
Keep the faith OP they will see through him eventually. Do you have any friends whom your DC would trust to give them the honest picture? Do you have a solicitor representing you? If so could you arrange for the DC to be presented with the evidence by them so they can see it for themselves and come to their own conclusions?

I'm so sorry OP, it sounds like your ex has done a good job of alienating the two older children from you 😔 if I were you, I would tell them you love them and that your door is always open to them, then I would give them some space and hope that they will get the measure of him soon. As hard as it is, badgering or pressurising them to see and talk to you is going to be counterproductive. I think you have to play the long game here - they are at such a difficult age anyway and are dealing with a lot of complex emotions.

For yourself, I would seek out some counselling to help you deal with the inevitable sadness and painful feelings. It's totally understandable that you are feeling devastated, yet it's important that you think about yourself and make a life for yourself that is as healthy, enriched and purposeful as it can be. It's also good for your children, should they contact you, to know that you're not staying home, alone and feeling sorry for yourself. You deserve better, you only have one life and none of us know for how long. Show your children that you can make a good life.

@Largestlegocollectionever yes 20+ with evidence, his admissions and apologies too, that he won't do it again. That is over many years though.

@StrawberryJangle It's heart breaking to read what you've been through, and so shocking that this can even happen. I can understand how horrific this must've been for you. Did your daughter ever tell you why? 10 months is unfathomable time to be without your child. It's been a 4 months for me, and every day I hope for something good but it never comes.

@sosorryimnotsorry yes he is on bail, and charges are against him not me. I have a solicitor but we have to do everything according to the 'rules' and can't present anything yet until he is convicted. He has isolated them from all mutual friends and controls where they go, they only hang out with kids who's parents have no relationship with me unless he is present.

@sosorryimnotsorry I forgot to say SS are involved but have taken the view that the DV was from him to me and not the dc, they are happy and doing well at school so no major concerns, but they get a visit once a week from ss.

I am so sorry @Winni208, this must feel like a living nightmare. In your shoes I wouldn't let his alienation of you from the DC prevent you from following through with the DV charges, as him being convicted is an excellent opportunity for the DC to see that he is objectively not a good person. I appreciate that you probably feel like you just want to say or do anything to get your DC to come home, but I wouldn't bow to the pressure of questions like "Why are you lying to the Police about Dad?", as if you fail to follow through with the charges, that will only fuel the lie that you're making it up.

I sincerely feel for you in this situation, I wish there was a simple solution we could offer, but often it's time, and maturity as DC grow up, that helps them to see they have been manipulated. All you can do (aside from the legal challenges you are making), is make sure you are consistent and present, as much as they will allow you to be. If the DC are insisting you can't call, perhaps you could write to them. Even if you don't send the letters for now, being able to show them later that they were always in your thoughts may help to repair the relationships in the future.

not exaclty same but my dsis went through similar with her son-all of a sudden he wasnt happy at home wanted to live with his dad-who was very maniupltive even though miost of his childhood he wasnt even around

twisted everything and made my sister look the bad guy so he ended up living with him

unfortunaly the sollicitor advised not to take it to court as the take it into account what the teen wanted as he was 14 by then

i know your case is different sorry what youre going though dont let him get away with the abuse

@Endofyear thank you that's really helpful. I know longer term I have to get on with my life, but it's so so hard to accept that. I will get there in time, after I've seen through the proceedings to their end.

Do you think he has maybe done this to avoid jail time? He may hope they decide he is needed at home with the kids and give him a suspended sentence.
Hopefully no matter what they will mature and understand for themselves what he is truly like

I’m so very sorry you’re being further punished by this excuse of a man by using your kids against you. I think as a PP has said , tell your children you love them and you will always be there for them. They will find out the truth eventually.

A late friend of mine (passed from
cancer unrelated to dv) had a similar alienation situation with her children who were ages with your youngest and she would write them each a letter every week and seal it and put it in a box. When they were slightly older and less under control of her ex, she gave them each their box of letters and it gave them time in their own time to reflect on their mother’s love. It was difficult because as as well as having them tell her they wanted nothing to do with her, they also came to blame her for abandoning them. They did fix their relationship andThe letters went a long way to explaining what was going on at the time and how much she loved them and worried for them. I don’t know if this is something you’d consider, it might not work for everyone. Even if they never get to see your writing, might it be something therapeutic for you to do?

Stay in touch with social services, they’re not daft and can be a great source of help and support. Also if you’re not already get in touch with women’s aids and see if they can offer counselling specific to DV and coercive control. They may offer techniques to cope with this and any aftermath.

sending love

This doesn't quite make sense - a visit once a week is extremely high for a social worker and only done in child protection cases where they are very worried. Do you mean once a month? In reality there isn't much social services can do anyway - they can't remove them from his care or persuade them to see you. They may be able to signpost to counselling for them but only if they want.

That’s completely untrue about weekly visits. I speak from experience. Some areas are better resourced than others and some SWs are more diligent than others.
OP I hope this all gets resolved.

This must be horrible for you.

Thinking outside the box, I wonder whether it’s worth contacting school/collage and asking them to support by organising counselling in school time. Could you afford to fund this?

If the children have witnessed the manipulative behaviour and some of the assaults, then on some level they know that their father’s behaviour is unacceptable, but don’t want to face the idea that the consequences of this might be prison and so are blaming you.

Counselling might enable them to get a fairer, more balanced picture of the situation.

In your position I might also consider offering to drop the charges if the kids move home. Once they’re home and safe you can consider whether you actually drop charges or whether you explain to them that police want to continue prosecuting because of the historic abuse.

All you can do at the moment is tell them that you are there for them whenever they need you and that you really love and miss them. Your ex is guilty of parental alienation, which is a crime, but it would probably be counter-productive to pursue this as your children are all old enough to make their own decisions about where they live. Your ex is an abusive scumbag and hopefully, at some point, your kids will realise exactly what he is like.

It's a complete travesty of justice and completely unfair.