Is leaving a toxic job similar to leaving a toxic relationship?

[WhiteRoseHurt]

I have recently left an incredibly toxic workplace. I’d been there 4 years and it has gradually diminished my self worth and confidence to zero.

It was a small, sole director led business. No internal HR. No union. She got away with murder because she paid high salaries to keep people.
She’d have kept no one if she didn’t.

I was bullied until I was suicidal. Sleepless nights were the norm. Terrifying. I hit rock bottom and beyond and then one day she shouted at me. She lost her cool. Normally her cool bullying narcissistic demeanour went and she yelled and stomped like a badly behaved terrier.

I walked out and left the keys on my desk.

Some would criticise and ask why I stayed so long. As a single parent, no support from anywhere the money was and is important.

I don’t know how I feel. My colleagues haven’t been in touch. I’m worried about paying my bills. But I’m free of her. She hasn’t said a single word.
Just sent my final wages.

It feels in a weird way like ending an abusive relationship (I’ve been there so know the similarities). Can anyone relate?

I don't know any terriers who yell and stomp, badly behaved or not.

I was going to write teenagers but thought it would leave me open to unhelpful comments about teenagers 🤷🏻‍♀️

In your case I guess so as it’s one person you need to break free from - a horrible
bully, but with the added stress that they provided your livelihood. Awful situation.

generally no

What an odd response...

OP I've never been in your situation but it sounds like the best thing you could've done. No job is worth becoming suicidal over. I've seen a couple of my friends bullied at work, losing their confidence, becoming a diminished version of themselves. They got new jobs and as if by magic, those feelings went (more slowly for one...). So I imagine it is like leaving a toxic relationship... take good care of yourself and some time to regroup if your can. Also, I hope karma catches up with your ex boss.

Wow! Well done for getting out of there OP! Good luck finding a new role as well. Sorry I cant fully answer your question - I think there are some parallels but its not entirely the same.

Who is going to provide your reference for next job?

It definitely is. Having walked out of a teaching role recently and an abusive marriage almost 20 years ago, the similarities are huge. I had repeated anxiety attacks, appealed to HR for support with my manager's behaviour, cried, lost sleep and became so stressed it impacted every part of my life. I went off on work related stress and it's taking time to recover. If you haven't actually resigned, then I suggest you get a GP note and go off sick. You will potentially have some sick pay and benefits to help in the short term which you won't get if you resign.

Look after yourself. Be kind to yourself.

Yes three separate times and all schools. I left with burn out and debilitating mental health issues each time.

You sound like me 2 years ago when I left a previous narcissistic she-devil boss. I’ve never worked anywhere quite so intense and dramatic, it honestly took me ages to heal.

Your colleagues are also engulfed in it and probably know they will get some heat if they reach out to you.

It will feel like you’ve left a toxic relationship and my advice for you would be to breathe, work on your boundaries and step by step, build yourself up again. Reach out for help to your loved ones and you’ll come to realise it is the best decision you could ever make is by leaving.

Ahhh yes, the RELIEF was immense. A lot of my hair fell out, every day felt like I was having a mental health crisis. I left without another job in place, too. You’ll work it out.

I left a toxic job, albeit with another job to go to. The relief was immense. I had some unpicking to do about my sense of self-worth and my confidence in my ability to do my job, but within a month I was a different person. I should say, really, I was myself again. My dc commented on how much happier I was. It really was like a heavy weight had been lifted off me.

i hope you feel that same sense of freedom, and rediscover your va-va-vo. Good luck for your next job 😊

Yes. I still have flashbacks and sometimes feel a bit down. I secretly get anxious at my current job sometimes because of the toxic one. It was 6/7 years ago and it still affects me.

I would say yes because of the longterm effects it leaves with you. I left a job because of a particularly nasty manager who was nice to everyone else apart from myself and a colleague. She was sneaky in the way she undermined us both. It knocked our confidence and although we were doing just as good a job as everyone else, sometimes better, she made us feel as if we were useless. She was such a bitch but others didn't see that sneaky side of her.It was also a toxic workplace with clique groups, nasty comments made by colleagues throughout to eachother and the other managers not handling any of it at all. Just ignored it. Lots of staff sickness. High staff turnover. They asked why the high staff turnover but didn't listen and it continues to this day. Even though the manager had left before I did the damage remained and I'm very very slowly getting my confidence back. How I managed to stay as long as I did, I don't know.

I left once I had another job but was getting close to walking out. Well done to you for leaving as it shows strength. Your colleagues are probably scared to ring you as they'll have to face the truth of what its like. Your health is more important. Just be relieved that you were sensible enough to put yourself first and not put up with shit from such a cow. Really hope you find somewhere that treats you properly soon.

Yes. I worked for an awful company for 2 and a half years that paid beautifully well but that was it. The people working there, rather then making the place broke it. It was a bitchy childish clique. I changed careers afterwards to get my self respect back.

The relief when finally leaving that place. My god. It was exactly the same feeling as when ending a toxic relationship.

Yes absolutely - someone close to me is in the process of doing this. For them it's like leaving a narcissistic and controlling partner who almost eroded their self esteem. You've done well.

Same!

Thank you and I’m sorry to hear toxic workplaces have affected so many!

I know she is telling everyone how unprofessional and terrible I am. I’ve had a few comments - one from a supplier and one from a neighbouring business. I am staying quiet and letting my previous reputation and hard work speak for itself.

She has lost the control and this is her only retaliation. The narcissist word is over used but honestly she is the text book version. I pity her family.

I know I am already a better person for leaving but it is tough, not least financially. She had so much control over me, my entire livelihood and 45 hours of my waking week. I have savings that I can use in the short term and I know I’ll find something else.

Thanks for your kindness.

You've done the right thing for you OP, and I can see the parallels to leaving an abusive relationship. No job is ever EVER worth sacrificing your health over. I work in HR, Nearly all references now are just job title and employment dates.

Well done. Toxic work environment can ruin your life.
Well done for getting out.

Don’t reach out to your ex colleagues . Cut them off . They will only contact you to be nosy and will stir by relaying back anything you tell them . Cut off and move on .

I understand your gut reaction was to just walk out, but it may have served you better to resign on the spot, but agree to serve your notice. Financially, this would have given you time, and the knowledge you were leaving would have given you the headspace to manage yourself out of there without it feeling as suffocating as it had been.

It’s done now though, and it was certainly the right decision to leave!
Perhaps reach out to any colleagues who have been left in the lurch? I assume they are as miserable as you were, but now have an increased workload due to your sudden departure? I’d apologise and hope they understand.

I’m in a job like this now and really struggling to find anything else, so my sympathies. A work environment like this can take over your life.

Well done OP for leaving.

I left my toxic workplace a few weeks ago and I am slowly starting to feel better.

I was there for three years and it was awful.

It was a chaotic environment where it was difficult to get anything done because there was so much internal politics and back-stabbing.

I was always made to feel like the odd one out in the team and I was excluded from some meetings, training and promotion opportunities and often blamed for other people's incompetence.

In the end I raised a grievance and left soon after that as they decided to ''pay me off'' rather than risk an employment tribunal case.

I am focusing on freelancing now because I am worried about ending up in a similar situation if I look for a permanent role.

This job environment slowly destroyed my confidence and made me second-guess everything I did and said.

I am so glad I left.

Yes same situation and have been in the same situation as yourself years ago! I ended up on long term sick leave and left without going back as I couldn’t bear the thought of seeing her face again. I felt so liberated but not going to lie, the financial impact was awful. I joined agencies and temped a lot but the pay was horrendous.

I sent my current LM an email last night outlining all my concerns with the way she carries out 1:1’s and how it makes me feel. I’m on leave till next week but feeling sick about it today! It had to be said though.