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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband just told me I should be grateful he's loading the dishwasher!

29 replies

IshebeingadickoramI · 02/10/2025 20:19

I made dinner and the plates were left on the side. I was hanging up the washing so said to him can he load the dishwasher.

I glanced over and saw he was loading it haphazardly and commented he needed to stack it differently. He then told me, and I quote: "you should be grateful I'm loading the dishwasher at all"

I made the dinner that we both ate and was hanging up our washing, yet somehow I should be grateful that he is clearing up from the dinner he didn't make, in the house he lives in!

I'm so cross but need to know AIBU? Also need some comments to throw back to him in response, as I then stormed off!!

OP posts:
Mumptynumpty · 02/10/2025 20:21

I think this points to broader issues with respect and equality in your relationship.

Bugger the dishwasher and his weaponised incompetence and learned helplessness.

Tryingatleast · 02/10/2025 20:29

Answer would have been sorry I thought you lived here too!’

Zanatdy · 02/10/2025 20:30

Why are you even questioning if you’re being unreasonable? Absolutely not. Just done an empowering women in leadership course and would a man even question if he was unreasonable in reverse situation? He is totally out of order.

BCBird · 02/10/2025 20:31

Tryingatleast · 02/10/2025 20:29

Answer would have been sorry I thought you lived here too!’

Exactly

PaellaPan · 02/10/2025 20:31

I don't think you need to be grateful, as he should be doing his share. But ... I don't agree that you should issue instructions on how to do it. It isn't a popular opinion on MN but I hate this kind of household micromanagement. We all have different ways of doing things and expecting others to do them our way, assumes our way is the best way. It can come across as controlling. Round here, we each do whatever task our own preferred way and accept that if we insist something has to be done in a particular manner, we assume full responsibility for it. Let him do things his way, you do things yours.

Fiftyandme · 02/10/2025 20:33

Typical make attitude in my experience. Stop doing anything for him seeing as Hd believes servitude and unpaid shitwork is solely your responsibility in the household. He’s a grown up - Hd gets to bd responsible for all his unpaid shitwork

Original poster
IshebeingadickoramI · 02/10/2025 20:34

I said to him erm you live here too, then he moaned I should have just left him to it. So I did and walked away.

Totally out of character for him I might add, I don't want a character assassination 😂

But glad you agree with me as it pissed me off royally!

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 02/10/2025 20:34

If a man said that to me his ears would be ringing for a month. Misogynist twat.

zipadeedodah · 02/10/2025 20:35

I think grateful was the wrong choice of word but couldn't you just leave the man alone and let him do the job the way he wanted?

BreakfastOfChampignons · 02/10/2025 20:35

Id be going on strike immediately.

Original poster
IshebeingadickoramI · 02/10/2025 20:35

Gettingbysomehow · 02/10/2025 20:34

If a man said that to me his ears would be ringing for a month. Misogynist twat.

They need to bring back the laugh emoji as that made me chuckle!

OP posts:
Original poster
IshebeingadickoramI · 02/10/2025 20:36

zipadeedodah · 02/10/2025 20:35

I think grateful was the wrong choice of word but couldn't you just leave the man alone and let him do the job the way he wanted?

Yes I should have done really

OP posts:
redskydelight · 02/10/2025 20:37

I think if someone is doing a job, then you let them do the job - you don't criticise them.

My DH has a particular way he likes the dishwasher to be loaded. I don't understand his method, so I load it in my own way which he considers to be haphazard. If he complained, I would leave him to load the dishwasher himself in the future.

Original poster
IshebeingadickoramI · 02/10/2025 20:38

redskydelight · 02/10/2025 20:37

I think if someone is doing a job, then you let them do the job - you don't criticise them.

My DH has a particular way he likes the dishwasher to be loaded. I don't understand his method, so I load it in my own way which he considers to be haphazard. If he complained, I would leave him to load the dishwasher himself in the future.

Point taken. Ok so we were both being dicks, whoops

OP posts:
Greenmouldycheese · 02/10/2025 21:01

Sonyour just cross and that's it? Surely you asked him who he thinks he's talking to? If you behave like a doormat, then he will treat you like you like one.

Mandylovescandy · 02/10/2025 21:24

I live with a member of the dishwasher police so I am biased here. So sick of not being able to do a job without some comment on how I could do it better. Good luck with a better conversation about it - have no advice as I have failed to resolve this in our house as well

napody · 02/10/2025 21:27

Fair play on taking comments on board OP. Definitely leave him to it next time... but 'you should be grateful' is beyond infuriating!

mumofoneAloneandwell · 02/10/2025 21:46

I would refuse to cook for him for a week

Eenameenadeeka · 03/10/2025 03:53

I mean, of course you don't need to be grateful about him loading the dishwasher, but I think you caused the drama here. He was loading it and you criticized him, which I think was uncalled for and I think his response was pretty reasonable given the circumstances. I think most people would tell you where to go if you told them they were doing it wrong.

Bjorkdidit · 03/10/2025 05:53

PaellaPan · 02/10/2025 20:31

I don't think you need to be grateful, as he should be doing his share. But ... I don't agree that you should issue instructions on how to do it. It isn't a popular opinion on MN but I hate this kind of household micromanagement. We all have different ways of doing things and expecting others to do them our way, assumes our way is the best way. It can come across as controlling. Round here, we each do whatever task our own preferred way and accept that if we insist something has to be done in a particular manner, we assume full responsibility for it. Let him do things his way, you do things yours.

Edited

But if you load a dishwasher badly, things don't get washed properly and fewer items fit in.

I bet the OP would have ended up rewashing the things that weren't clean and also stuff that didn't fit in or more loads would be needed overall so wasteful.

Doing a job badly on purpose is not acceptable if it makes more work for someone else or wastes money and water etc.

Milliemoons · 03/10/2025 06:01

Don’t forget to tell him he needs to be grateful every time he walks into a room and you’re doing any kind of housework…

Lurkingandlearning · 03/10/2025 06:17

Dishwasher loading seems to be a hot point in many households. I would ignore haphazard loading if the only issue was wasting space and running a partially full load. If things overlapped and wouldn’t get clean I think I would say, ‘You do know you’re going to have to wash a lot of that again once it’s finished, don’t you?” Emphasis on “you”
Does he show gratitude each and every time you do something for the upkeep of your home? If not and he expects gratitude, he sees you as his housekeeper who he will indulge with a bit of performative help

DoYouReally · 03/10/2025 13:15

Despite thinking otherwise, I've discovered over the years there is no "right" way to load a dishwasher.

However, to prevent me from minor rage brought about by partner's haphazard dishwasher loading skills, we now have an agreement that whoever loads it most empty it.

It actually works. He can stack and pack in whatever bonkers way he wants, I just don't see it or have to deal with it.

Notdanishsusan · 03/10/2025 13:19

PaellaPan · 02/10/2025 20:31

I don't think you need to be grateful, as he should be doing his share. But ... I don't agree that you should issue instructions on how to do it. It isn't a popular opinion on MN but I hate this kind of household micromanagement. We all have different ways of doing things and expecting others to do them our way, assumes our way is the best way. It can come across as controlling. Round here, we each do whatever task our own preferred way and accept that if we insist something has to be done in a particular manner, we assume full responsibility for it. Let him do things his way, you do things yours.

Edited

Totally agree with this. As the less domestically skilled one in my relationship I relate to this.

No, I might not do it quite as efficiently. No, I might not squeeze in an extra plate or two. But I’m doing it and it’s good enough.

You have to accept that people do things differently and not ever element can be controlled.

ldnmusic87 · 03/10/2025 13:28

What a red flag.