Aibu to stop facilitating DDs sports

[sportsmum13]

Hi all,

I am a mum of two dc.

After taking part in a couple of Saturday morning classes it turned out that littlest dd was quite good at two of the sports. It’s not something I was familiar with in terms of training and such, but when the coach’s asked if she wanted to join the squad, and dd seemed keen, we said yes.

It’s been about 4 years now and I am proud to say that dd had only gotten better and won many national championships. That said, I am realistic that this is a child’s hobby and not the only important thing in life and chances of either sport becoming a career are slim. We have carried on facilitating them because dd loves them and loves training. Admittedly, this has come at a cost, both financially and in terms of time and energy as a whole family.

Dh and I had always shared the running around to training and competitions. Until last year when my mental health took a turn for the worse. Looking back I realise I had a breakdown. I was working an extremely stressful job, caring for older dd who is disabled and running around trying to balance too many plates. (The care of older dd falls solely to me as she requires a level of personal care and guidance that dh can’t provide. She gets upset if anyone else does it). At that time, I laid it down to dh that I could no longer sustain the amount of stress I was under and stuff I was carrying. I suggested that little dd give up one of her sports. Dh is much keener for her to continue as he is sporty himself and he is immensely proud of her. So he made the choice to take over most of the admin and running around for these sports. However, I have to say as good practically as dh is, I don’t think he fully understands how bad my mh was/is, and that I have been unable to recover fully, because I have had to carry on solely caring for oldest and working my stressful job.

Two months ago I stated a new less stressful job after my mh dipped again. Even though it’s less stressful, I still work long days and late evenings as I have to balance work with doing school runs and caring for oldest. 3 days a week I’m out at work until 7pm having started straight after morning school run. Dd now trains 5, sometimes 6 days a week. Although dh does the lifts to and from training, I’m still left picking both dc up from school, rushing home and trying to get them fed and littlest ready for her sports. This means that there is not one evening a week where I’m home at a reasonable time or able to just chill and spend quality time with my dc. I’m either working until bedtime or rushing around trying to get everything sorted, fed, changed and packed in an hour after school. Dh then comes straight home from work and dd jumps in the car to get a lift to training.

There is not a single day where we spend quality time as a family and me and dh spend no time as a married couple.

I have explained to dh that I feel lonely and wish we had time as a couple occasionally. That I miss doing things as a family of 4 and that even though I’m not doing the driving to training, I’m still rushing around every evening getting littlest ready or I’m working as I need to keep up with my job in amongst all this. I feel like I will never recover mentally because I still feel pulled apart.

I do feel guilty because I know littlest loves her sports and would be gutted to drop even one. And I feel guilty for feeling like this when dh is also running around facilitating them. Dh seems to forget other important things, which adds to my frustration. For eg he will assume I am doing school runs despite me telling him numerous times I have an appointment or meeting that day. Or he forgets to ask me about any health appointments and how they went, despite them being in the shared calendar. It’s like he has forgotten me and eldest exist, as he is so focused on littlest sport, taking her to training, comps, buying equipment, going to the socials.

I explained to dh that when I start this new job, I think it’s the time to drop one sport, so that I can have one evening a week where I can pick dc up and just be home, not have to rush a meal down her throat etc

By the time I get sorted and dh leaves with littlest, I’m then focusing on caring for oldest and that can go on till midnight as she can’t sleep and needs medication. I am not getting enough sleep as once oldest is settled I then like to have a couple of hours to myself to relax where no one needs me or I’m not running around doing things for others.

when I suggest that I need this evening once a week or dropping the sport dh says yes and then continues to pay for it and take her, he keeps stringing it along and stalling. When we are late getting ready due to it taking longer to eat for example, he gets out the car and is frustrated. But he doesn’t appreciate how hard it is doing all that in such a short time and that sometimes we are running late. Because dh is at work at this time after school it’s only me who can get everything ready for dd to be able to jump in the car when he pulls up.

I kind of feel like putting my foot down and simply refusing to do it. He would then arrive from work to pick her up and she won’t be ready to go. But then I feel unreasonable and don’t want to let littlest down.

AIBU to just not do the sports prep anymore

PPs make good points but what I would pick up on is the bit about you have no time as a couple. There are so many threads on here where couples have grown apart or have dead bedrooms as a result of not investing time in their relationship. Surely that has to take precedence over one (of the two) hobbies. It's not selfish, it's ensuring your kids have two parents who demonstrate effort and care for one another.

Just to say one thing.

Stop calling DD2 “littlest”. That’s infantilising her. She’s not a baby, she must be at least 9 or 10.

With a sister with disabilities, I think it’s probably a good thing that she has something for her.

Is it possible you can get some carer help with your eldest so that you’re not quite so tied to having to do the intimate care always? Are you getting all the benefits etc you’re entitled to that could go towards that kind of thing?

Why can't she come home from school and get ready for training by herself?

Lots of good advice and I have none to add, I just want to say how bloody amazing it is that you've managed to even get this far with your youngest still having something thats hers that she loves, with everything going on with your eldest. Both of them are very lucky to have you. I hope you find a way to change things soon, you deserve to get some respite.
If you struggle to make change for yourself, because you feel selfish, then look at it as what needs (and i do mean needs) to happen for both your daughters sake too. If you ever fell ill and couldn't be there, she would have to get used to you not doing her care while also worrying about you. This is the right thing for her too, not just you. I know thats easier said than done, so im hoping some of the advice on this thread can help you in the right direction. I know how hard it is to try and figure out how to change things when you are burnt out and I just want to say that sometimes a bit of 'selfishness' in the short term can give you enough of a clear head to have a better balance in the long term. Wishing you the best of luck.

Personally I think it's reasonable to ask dd2 to drop something when she is out most evenings. I very clearly remember my mum having this chat with me when I was 8 and explaining I couldn't do everything. This is almost irrespective of the rest of your situation. But I agree with pp who suggested to start moving towards your DH being able to do more with your eldest. This is surely sensible for family resilience. And would enable you to go with dd2 which would give you a change type break, if not a rest.

Similar situation to you OP, and I found that high school hit and dc had to decide which sport to keep and which to drop - its really hard to maintain 2 at that level. Add in homework and social life and something has to give.
As my dc was also the glass child I was more than prepared to keep going till dropping something occurred naturally.
I would say though you need to encourage older dd to have care from her dad, other people, and you give some time to younger dd, those car trips become really important the older they get.

Have you had an assessment with Children's Social Care and the carers service? Your youngest having to give up sport is unlikely to be the answer. It could cause resentment between the children and she may also resent you. I'd be quite worried about how the youngest sees you now. It sounds like the family is divided. I'd be looking to get a direct payment and have carers in for the eldest a couple of evenings a week so you can spend time with the youngest and time with DH.

It sounds really difficult. I think having a disabled sibling puts children in a position where they often feel their needs/wants are not a priority. It sounds like these sports are something that is really important to your daughter and a way for her to spend one on one time with her dad. Could you ask DH to meal prep on the weekends so you can just stick something in the oven/microwave when you get home. If your daughter is a preteen then I’d expect her to be able to get herself at least mostly ready to go.

It sounds really unfair that your younger child already has to put up with so many compromises due to her sibling's needs (it's hardly a normal childhood with a sibling like that) and now she is having one of her beloved activities taken off her - just to spend more time at home which probably won't make her as happy as being at her activity.

I have two children who do various sports almost every day. My daughter dances 5-7 days a week and my son has every growing football training and taekwando twice a week plus comps and such. My daughter also is autistic and has a few health issues that take up quite a lot of time - my time as she is not keen on going to my husband (her dad) - it’s always me. I’m exhausted for sure.

In your scenario I’d take a breath and look at the whole picture. My daughter is 12 and sorts 99% of her things out herself as it’s a priority for her. She walks to lots of her classes (I know this is a luxury but are there bus options?). She sorts out her food and dance bags and gets herself ready on time. Outside a couple things that she needs lifts to and of course the kit and shows and such it’s on her to get organised.

my son is 9 and is almost there. He has a complicated schedule with training every day after school and after school club and various carpools and bags and etc. I do check he has his football kit on Mondays and his taekwando kit on Tuesdays but he almost always does. So I think your younger daughter should be given much more responsibility in this.

And look really carefully at everything you can outsource - can you batch cook? Sounds petty but it makes a massive difference here - lots of slow cooker things that can be eaten whenever someone is home as most nights it’s chaotic. Get a cleaner? Hire someone for specific nights that are particularly challenging? Make sure you are super honest on the applications for disability allowance for your older daughter - that money has helped us a lot with therapy and such.

I know it sounds like a solution to swap round so your husband has some of the more difficult caring but I very much appreciate that just might not work. It wouldn’t here.

making her quit should be the last option on the table in my opinion unless it’s for her benefit. I do have to say no to come extra classes sometimes as my daughter never thinks she needs breaks but she’s currently healing really slowly from an injury and I’m pretty sure it’s because she never stops.

I hear you but I think you'd cause resentment if you make the youngest give up what is in effect time to wind down. I'd imagine it's quite stressful having a disabled sibling.

I think with a couple tweaks it might ease up. Can DD eat a hot meal during the school day. Then on a weekend bulk make up sandwiches and freeze. Most things freeze well. In the morning before school she pops it in the fridge along with some fruit and yoghurt. She then eats this when she comes home or worse case in the car. Also kit can be added or left in the car overnight. If she has spare clothes (obviously sport dependent) then leave enough in there so she can change before or afterwards.

In regards to couple time I'd look into respite for your eldest. Then a babysitter can have the youngest (there must be an off season with either of her sports) and then out you go. Wouldn't be often but it's something to plan in and look forward to.

Finally in regards to your stress have you have all your levels checked. Peri menopause I've heard can make things so much worse as can vitamin deficiencies.

I don't think littlest giving up some sport is wrong per se. However, what would littlest be doing at the time of sports if she gave them up? Would at least one of you or the whole family play or read with her? Watch and movie or cook together? Would you have more time to talk with her about her day, support her with homework, or whatever?

You say, "By the time I get sorted and dh leaves with littlest, I’m then focusing on caring for oldest and that can go on till midnight as she can’t sleep and needs medication." which sounds like you caring for oldest starts soon after littlest leaves for her sport and goes on through the night. If littlest reducing her hobby is just going to mean both parents sort eldest while littlest entertains herself all evening, then this just becomes your lives are easier because you don't have to bother about doing things for your child, but her life is just more lonely and boring as she is on her own while her parents focus on her sister. She deserves to have parents who give her attention.

I agree with the poster that said you should organise a babysitter to take youngest DD to and from sport a couple of days a week (minimum). Then DH is at home to bond with older DD and help you. You might even find some couple time. But right now he is doing the easy part and you are doing the hard part. you also said he goes to the socials. That also needs to stop. If you have no time as a couple then that should be the priority.

I would also look into respite for older DD. You can't do it all on your own. As well as DH stepping up, buying in some support for her will benefit you immensely.

What happens when you have a total breakdown, are bed-ridden for a month and take a year to recover? Whats the contingency plan for that?

And what’s the plan to prevent that from happening? You both need to take your health seriously. Your DH could find himself with three people to care for.

And fear of that situation should not be his main motivation for taking better care of you now. He should want to because he loves and cares for you.

Honestly, it reads a bit like he has abandoned you in favour of younger dd. Your family sounds split and your DH has opted for the bright, simple side. It’s important to address that split before it widens.

Surely your dc is now old enough to take more responsibility for getting organised ready for training. If she is now late primary age after school training will become more tricky to fit in and she may naturally need to choose which and how much sport to continue so this lifestyle is likely self limiting. If dh can facilitate it, let him. You are doing too much for your dc and need to allow them more independence and take time for yourself. What might you enjoy doing?

Can you afford a cleaner to help with keeping house in order? What else might help your mh and give you more time to enjoy your dc?

Ah sorry, missed that dc1 is disabled. Is there any access to support to help with her care and needs, via a specialist charity perhaps? Caring in itself can affect mh without the other pressures.

Combining the long hours you work with caring is the problem, it isn't fair to make DD2 the solution. You aren't going to have lovely family time in the evening if you've made one child make sacrifices for your choices.

Cut back your working hours, start asking if anyone can lift share, get some more help. Do the sports know about each other? They might be more flexible about reducing training if they knew she was keeping her fitness up in other ways. My DD is able to miss more sessions of her triathlon training because she has swim and run training elsewhere.

Would it be less stressful to be the one out of the house doing the running around? Sounds counter intuitive, but we take it in turns simply because actually apart from the drive (around 45 mins each way) while they actually train whomever has taken them gets to sit and chill in the car for an hour or so, read a book, go for a walk, get something to eat in peace etc. The other is prepping second dinner for when they get back, tidying up, getting youngest sorted for bed etc...so yes, at home, but working harder really.

Feel for you op. Amazing you keep this together. can your husband prep some of the meals some point in week along with kit and bags? Can you go one night instead of him? To spend time with your younger daughter?

Without your responsibilities, I still would not facilitate both sports at the detriment of my coping or having relaxed time doing nothing as a family. It does, on the surface of what you’ve said allow your husband to escape.

I was coming on to post similar.

Look at every bit of your evenings and see what can change.

Childminder/nanny to do the after school runs and teas so you can work in the day and not have to work evening.

Change doing the sports - does your SN DC need your care every hour at home or can DH take a turn for an evening.

During the sports is it close enough to drop DD there and DH come home to help?
Does she train two nights at two sports plus a 'game' or 'race' at weekend. Boundaries need to be set.

I don't have experience of a SN child. Do you have to be default all the time? I understand for personal care why you would be but is there no time that personal care isn't required and DH can take a turn?

You clearly need a break and as a family need to work things out

It sounds like you he has picked the easy child to fill his time.

Hi

just wanted to thank you all for your replies. I have been reading them all.
sone good suggestions and understanding, which has been a big help.
I sat down with dh this weekend to talk and I think he has realised how burnt out I am. Things were better this weekend. He came along to an appointment with me for eldest and it was nice to have that extra pair of hands. He is making much more effort with her.
I have been able to spend some more chill/play time with youngest, which has been great. She still likes role play etc and I have to say it was nice to be ‘the hospital patient’ needing to lie down for an operation, I much prefer this type of parenting lol

oh and yes I definitely have voiced that he has picked the easy child and is escaping, many times in the past.