Aibu to stop facilitating DDs sports

[sportsmum13]

Hi all,

I am a mum of two dc.

After taking part in a couple of Saturday morning classes it turned out that littlest dd was quite good at two of the sports. It’s not something I was familiar with in terms of training and such, but when the coach’s asked if she wanted to join the squad, and dd seemed keen, we said yes.

It’s been about 4 years now and I am proud to say that dd had only gotten better and won many national championships. That said, I am realistic that this is a child’s hobby and not the only important thing in life and chances of either sport becoming a career are slim. We have carried on facilitating them because dd loves them and loves training. Admittedly, this has come at a cost, both financially and in terms of time and energy as a whole family.

Dh and I had always shared the running around to training and competitions. Until last year when my mental health took a turn for the worse. Looking back I realise I had a breakdown. I was working an extremely stressful job, caring for older dd who is disabled and running around trying to balance too many plates. (The care of older dd falls solely to me as she requires a level of personal care and guidance that dh can’t provide. She gets upset if anyone else does it). At that time, I laid it down to dh that I could no longer sustain the amount of stress I was under and stuff I was carrying. I suggested that little dd give up one of her sports. Dh is much keener for her to continue as he is sporty himself and he is immensely proud of her. So he made the choice to take over most of the admin and running around for these sports. However, I have to say as good practically as dh is, I don’t think he fully understands how bad my mh was/is, and that I have been unable to recover fully, because I have had to carry on solely caring for oldest and working my stressful job.

Two months ago I stated a new less stressful job after my mh dipped again. Even though it’s less stressful, I still work long days and late evenings as I have to balance work with doing school runs and caring for oldest. 3 days a week I’m out at work until 7pm having started straight after morning school run. Dd now trains 5, sometimes 6 days a week. Although dh does the lifts to and from training, I’m still left picking both dc up from school, rushing home and trying to get them fed and littlest ready for her sports. This means that there is not one evening a week where I’m home at a reasonable time or able to just chill and spend quality time with my dc. I’m either working until bedtime or rushing around trying to get everything sorted, fed, changed and packed in an hour after school. Dh then comes straight home from work and dd jumps in the car to get a lift to training.

There is not a single day where we spend quality time as a family and me and dh spend no time as a married couple.

I have explained to dh that I feel lonely and wish we had time as a couple occasionally. That I miss doing things as a family of 4 and that even though I’m not doing the driving to training, I’m still rushing around every evening getting littlest ready or I’m working as I need to keep up with my job in amongst all this. I feel like I will never recover mentally because I still feel pulled apart.

I do feel guilty because I know littlest loves her sports and would be gutted to drop even one. And I feel guilty for feeling like this when dh is also running around facilitating them. Dh seems to forget other important things, which adds to my frustration. For eg he will assume I am doing school runs despite me telling him numerous times I have an appointment or meeting that day. Or he forgets to ask me about any health appointments and how they went, despite them being in the shared calendar. It’s like he has forgotten me and eldest exist, as he is so focused on littlest sport, taking her to training, comps, buying equipment, going to the socials.

I explained to dh that when I start this new job, I think it’s the time to drop one sport, so that I can have one evening a week where I can pick dc up and just be home, not have to rush a meal down her throat etc

By the time I get sorted and dh leaves with littlest, I’m then focusing on caring for oldest and that can go on till midnight as she can’t sleep and needs medication. I am not getting enough sleep as once oldest is settled I then like to have a couple of hours to myself to relax where no one needs me or I’m not running around doing things for others.

when I suggest that I need this evening once a week or dropping the sport dh says yes and then continues to pay for it and take her, he keeps stringing it along and stalling. When we are late getting ready due to it taking longer to eat for example, he gets out the car and is frustrated. But he doesn’t appreciate how hard it is doing all that in such a short time and that sometimes we are running late. Because dh is at work at this time after school it’s only me who can get everything ready for dd to be able to jump in the car when he pulls up.

I kind of feel like putting my foot down and simply refusing to do it. He would then arrive from work to pick her up and she won’t be ready to go. But then I feel unreasonable and don’t want to let littlest down.

AIBU to just not do the sports prep anymore

Thank you everyone.
I do know about the glass child and I try very hard not to let that happen.
I suppose getting more help is the answer. We don’t have family willing to help. I have reduced my hours as much as is possible for now, so I do get to do school runs and care etc.. I think discussing some care for eldest is probably the answer. I just feel like I’m letting someone down, it should be me being able to do all this, I’m their mum and it’s not either fault we are in this situation

If you work full-time, surely your eldest does accept care from someone else at some point?

I don't think it's the youngest DD's routine that needs to change, it's the issues with your eldest that need sorting. It's absolutely ridiculous that you do everything and her dad does nothing.

You don’t say how old she is or what the sports are. Both will/could have an impact soon. Sometimes coaches don’t like youngsters doing 2 sports to a high level due to different requirements on the body etc.

In all likelihood she will drop at least and I would let it happen organically otherwise there will always be the ‘what could have been’. Don’t under estimate the huge benefits of DC doing sport to the highest level possible.

I would be looking at making simpler meals, streamlining routines, and hiring in help before asking the youngest to give up something she loves.

You do need a break. The grind can be relentless. I completely understand how a SN child, especially an older one, may only be comfortable with certain care provided by one trusted person. We have a similar situation in our home, though thankfully it isn’t all the time, only during flares.

I do think asking yourself if it would be possible to shift some things around and you get to do the driving to training would help a bit. That time in the car is surprisingly good bonding. Even if you sit in your car while she does her thing, the quiet time can also be quite useful.

If you can throw money at the problem, do that. That is our salvation. Hire someone to meal prep. Hire a cleaner. Hire a babysitter to do the drive a couple of nights a week so your husband can be home. Or the holy grail, reduce your work hours. It is risky, but sometimes it is the best way of managing your mental health when you have a SN child.

I think discussing some care for eldest is probably the answer.

If she can get a couple regular home health care workers, it can really help once they're familiar with her. She might look forward to seeing them. And your husband really needs to learn how to do her care in case of emergency.

Also wanted to agree with the poster above. The time is soon coming that with the demands of higher school levels, your child will naturally choose one sport. You likely don’t need to force this issue. You just need to wait it out a bit longer.

Why do you say you I should be able to do all this when your kids have a father? Working a significant amount of hours is exhausting. Caring for a child with additional needs is exhausting. Neither you nor your husband are being realistic about the impact of that on you. You're putting huge expectations on yourself, and he's ignoring the fact you are running yourself into the ground.
It's OK to admit you need help with a disabled child. Actually it's OK to a admit you need help full stop.

Forgive me I’m a historian (and a mum). The following is a very modern stick to beat yourself with:

“I just feel like I’m letting someone down, it should be me being able to do all this, I’m their mum”

We’ve accepted help for millennia raising children and they and us are often better for it x

I thought this was going to be a 98% YANBU - even if your DD1 didn't have a disability, it would be impossible to have a family life with your DD2 being at sport sessions 5 or 6 times a week. She's so young to be so busy all the time.

It's totally reasonable that she drops one of the sports, her committment is too much for a pre-teen.

I think you need to have a serious talk with your DH about being a family of 4, not too families of 2. I'm concerned that he's encouraging DD2 to keep to 2 sports as it gives him the excuese to be out of the house with her, and not have to deal with DD1. That DD1 isn't happy with him caring for her is a concern - sounds like she's just not used to him looking after her.

You need to look after yourself and your girls - you can't keep going as you are, and a couple of nights when you can all be home together with no pressure to get ready to go out sounds like it would be a help to you, and hopefully, your family.

Get onto children with disabilities team for in home respite for your disabled dd
Your mh can support this request. Ask gp to send a letter to ss. Get a carers assessment.
So start asking for in home care by a female several evenings a week

That will help

Can youngest have school dinners and then just a sandwich or something quick after school. I appreciate this is only a small part of it, but might help if you're not rushing to feed her.

@sportsmum13 I think that if your dd loves doing sports she should get on with it and not be forced to stay home with you and disabled sibling.

This sounds really hard. But you need to get help with the elder child, either from your DH or elsewhere. And you probably need to find a way to get to bed earlier, you are overwhelmed. I think these are your priorities, not dropping your younger child's sport that she loves

Will reducing your hours at work so you have shorter days reduce your stress?

When you say preteen what do you mean? Is the youngest at secondary? If she is then she should be packing herself up for her clubs. My 2 do. I don’t pack kits etc that’s their responsibility. It could be a prerequisite of continuing the sport. Same goes for food. Can she not make herself something to eat?
In my mind your issue isn’t really the clubs as her dad is taking her to those. It’s all the other things especially your eldests care. I would definitely focus on reducing either the work you do in the house or getting some care support for your DD.

We’ve got a similarly sporty family but no additional
needs to juggle.

I think DH needs to step up more - rocking up and giving her a lift is NOT shouldering the load. As PP said that’s the easy bit!! It’s the rushing around to get everyone sorted after school with a hard deadline that gets the cortisol pumping.

DH is very keen for everyone to continue all of their activities so he’s changed his hours and working pattern to be properly helpful. And there are times when we swap and I’m the lift so I can sit and read / drink tea for hours of an evening whilst sport happens.

Does he sort all kit etc? DH lies out all kit / bags the night before so I don’t give that any brain space.

Can DH drop a couple of hours or a wfh day to help more??

I was a sibling of a child with severe disabilities, siffer with my mental health and am a mum to a DD who plays a sport to a high level. One sport but was in 3 squads until this year, and is now in 2 but one is more intense with additional training. So one less kit to wash but still the same level of commitment. She is an only, but some of your issues are comparable to how I've felt in the past.

Sibling-wise: As others have said, if the reason she needs to give up a sport is because it's the only way that your family can function, after looking at all other options, that's one thing. If it's just the easiest thing to do for everyone apart from her, she will suspect it is due to her sibling. She may say it's fine and that it doesn't matter. It does matter.

My parents always did their best to make sure that I didn't miss out because of my sibling, but I remember the times when I did have to. It's not the same as a more usual give and take sibling relationship ( I imagine).

Time I got to spend with my DM, on my own, was precious. If you can shift things around, arrange for carers/DH to be able to care for your eldest, I would imagine that it would benefit you all, so much. It is very difficult to be a family when it is one parent to one child, and always the same parent/child split.

Sporty child-wise: DH works longer hours than me, so it was always me who did school pick up and was making sure that Dd was fed etc. He just turned up and off she went with him, on his days to take her. Whereas every time I was doing the organising.

So, get your youngest to be as responsible as possible for getting her kit/equipment ready each day. Mine has done all hers since the age of about 10. Simplify your after school routine. Tea can be a sandwich. Even if she has had a sandwich for lunch, too. Sandwiches are food. Fried egg sandwiches are full of protein and can be accompanied by fruit/veg chopped up or an apple grabbed on the way out of the door. A go to pre-training meal in our house which take about 5 mins max to make and less time to eat!

I've probably repeated a lot of what others have said, as I've been writing this reply for ages. Apologies if so, and good luck with sorting out a better balance for your MH and for the good of the rest of your family.

I’m not voting as it sounds immensely difficult. Although I didn’t have a disabled sibling I come from a very sporty background and did do sport 6 days a week growing up (along with my sibling). It’s probably the main thing I am immensely immensely grateful as an adult. Sport has amazing benefits throufh life and i genuinely feel so lucky that i was
shown this as a child as i am still very sporty as an adult ajd it really
benefits both physical but more
mental health. If you can stick at it do - althoufh your situatuin sounds hard qnd i apprrciate i haven't offered any help.

sport as a teenager also definitly kept
me busy and out
of the smoking drugs hanging round the park drinking that other teenagers do whej bored

It is not in the best interests of any of you if your older D is 100% reliant on you for care. Your DH can pick up his share of this and yes initially it will be change but then your DD will adapt.

Also buy in care. The more diverse the care provision is, the healthier it is for all of you. You cannot sustain this and who will pick it all up should you need to take an extended break? The care needs to meet the needs of everyone so that you all, including you, have as normal a life as possible and you are not burned out.

I suspect you've focussed on the wrong straw that broke the camel's back.

I'd assumed from your initial description that your youngest DD must be early-mid primary school. As a pre-teen she can get herself ready for her sport, and even pick up feeding herself (and everyone else) at least a couple of nights of the week, surely?

Honestly OP your mental health matters too. I think it's been lost in this thread. Try carers first to alleviate some of your responsibilities, but if that doesn't work out, don't you dare feel any guilt if your DD needs to drop one of her sports. This will likely happen anyway as she gets older. If it's not sustainable it's not sustainable. There are families without disabled children who would not be able to sustain this either. You could try and fill the time with a nice hobby you two can do together in the house.

Unfortunately mental illness doesn’t just switch off when one single thing changes. I know it’s tempting to think “if only we did just one thing differently then my MH would be better” but sadly it doesn’t really work like that.

If you need more respite in general then it sounds like you need to make a much bigger change and try and find some respite from caring from your eldest.

Absolutely this. Who looks after dd1 during the day? Is she able to attend specialist school provision or does she receive this at home?
What's the age gap? And what are your plans for the future? Is dd2 expected to take on the heavy 24/7 care role?

Absolutely this -
its really important to keep her interests going -

Absolutely agree, you'd literally be telling her. "Your sisters needs and wants trump yours, so you can't do your hobby as she's more important"