To say husband be the main one to call niece (5) for her birthday due to difficult relationship with SIL?

[ShuffleShuffleSpin]

My husband was furious with me last night and gave me the silent treatment after he got home.

yesterday was our niece’s 5th birthday (his sister’s daughter) and she lives about a 10 hour flight away, and he phoned me on his way home from work, asking if I could have our children call their cousin, which would mean calling SIL. I asked him if we could wait one hour until he was home so he could lead the call, and he was furious and sent me a text saying “who cares about family? what is the point of even trying? I don’t see any future”. He said it would be too late to talk to niece when he got home (it would be close to 8pm) so I said let’s plan a call for tomorrow. He was upset because he saw my wanting him to lead the call as a sign that the problems between SIL and me will never go away, whereas I saw it as a safe compromise - happy to keep up relations with family l, but could he please lead here given the history with SIL. He sees me as unreasonable.

SIL and I have a very difficult history. When H and I got married, SIL was openly very bitter / resentful. She acted more like a jealous ex than a sister. It’s a long story, but she would glare at me across the room, return gifts he and I picked out for her and say she wanted gifts only from him. She somehow got her entire family (including H) to go on holiday without me when we were newlyweds which was a last minute trip they all planned. She used to live in the same city as us, but she planned her wedding on the other side of the world when I was pregnant days away from when baby was due (she knew our due date prior to her engagement) and my husband flew out to be her man of honour, leaving me for just 48 hours, but it was days before the birth, heavily pregnant and caring for two toddlers and I worried baby would come while H was away. It was impossible not to wonder if SIL’s resentment / open hatred of me was part of her planning, but I focussed on trying to be happy for her and hoped relationships would move forward since she was finally married. Nothing I did helped the relationship with SIL. There is much more to the story, but most of it was power plays and her going out of her way to “accidentally” exclude me from family events or to interfere with special family moments. Tons of passive aggressive hostility and SIL pretending to be clueless. Husband also (pretended to be?) clueless until he finally agreed to marriage counselling with me. i went out of my way to try to be kind to SIL, to act normal despite her icy rudeness, to believe it would get better over time.

after more than a decade, things have improved over all. Now that SIL finally had a husband and several children, it’s as though other people are finally allowed to be happy, too. Although on some level I never know what she will do and due to her treatment of me and the many unkind orchestrated surprises she put upon me over the years during family visits, I limit my time seeing her. I keep conversations very surface level. If she weren’t my SIL, I would not visit.

I asked my husband if he can be the one to take the primary role when family visits mean seeing her. . I’m am happy to support, but SIL has made it so clear over the year that she hates me. I told him he can do the calling for children’s birthdays and give the children a chance to say hello to cousins, and I can say hello to our niece and nephew too but I would prefer he be there. Due to their ages, SIL needs to be on the phone so it I told him it’s best if he is there.

I had my children give their cousin an early birthday gift in person back when she came to our city about three weeks ago, so it’s not as though she has gone uncelebrated.

what do you think, mumsnet? Was my request that my husband he the one to call SIL and just let me say a brief hellos to niece but he do the primary taking with SIL unreasonable ?

I'm glad you're planning on leaving, what a horrible, toxic family that you'd be better off out of. Just imagine how much easier your life will be, and in the meantime use that thought to keep a smile on your face as he gives you the silent treatment. Ugh.

“who cares about family? what is the point of even trying? I don’t see any future”

Say 'OK I totally agree'.

I’m sorry Op your husband sounds awful and the relationship between him and his sister is odd and unhealthy.

He could easily have called when he’s back and if his sister or BIL tell him it’s too late at least they know he’s tried and he can then reschedule another call or ask them to pass it on to his niece that he called.

I would sit him down and say never mind about the phone call to his niece. He will need to be calling his own daughter on her birthdays from now on, if he doesn’t sort himself out because he’ll no longer be living them if this continues.

Maybe counselling might help and see what you can salvage? You definitely need to address the past though in order to move on.

Your husband is violent. You owe him and his toxic family absolutely nothing. All your energies should be concentrated on how to leave this violent abuser safely with your children.

Are you in the UK? Please speak urgently to domestic violence charities such as Women's Aid or Rights of Women and try and speak to a solicitor.

Completely stop doing any 'wife work' from now on.

You should have helped the children call on the actual birthday I agree with dh on that, but he's over reacted in his treatment of you when you didn't do that.

I disagree. OP has articulated very well why she didn’t do it : I did this for years - would just go anyway, phone anyway. Be the bigger person. Take on on the chin and keep going with a smile forgive in the moment, etc. I’m finally just exhausted from it. I used to not let it get to me and saw her as immature, but over time it has gotten to me. Prob especially because my husband hasn’t been supportive in the difficult dynamics. I would just prefer he make the call so that nothing I say / do is twisted or misrepresented as it has been in the past. I’m just tired of all of it

This hasn’t just come out of nowhere, or based on a one off event - there’s been a long strained and stressful past between them based on consistently poor behaviour from her SIL.

It also doesn’t sound like this is a situation Op would put her husband in, who has his boundaries around her family.

It’s about time women stop being so “long suffering” and accommodating and consider their own feelings.

It sounds as if there was an agreed way forward with regards to contact, that is, he would lead. He needs to be better organised and make sure he phones his niece on her birthday. You mention his boundaries with your family and I’m wondering what his issues are.

Op you’re in the process of divorcing him FGS. Focus on that!!

@ShuffleShuffleSpin has your husband ever agreed that his sis is not a nice person to you?? or does the sun shine out of her arse anyway?

When I refer to boundaries with my family, it’s not down to any one major issue. What I mean is that I have been generally “on his team” if ever an issue has come up with my family. For example, once we visited my family over Christmas, and my dad did not want to go to a Christmas Eve service and basically said “we’ll just be having a Christmas Eve dinner and not attending a service” and he assumed everyone would be fine with that. My husband told me privately that he wanted to go to a service and was not ok with my dad assuming the plan was to not go. So I spoke to my dad and said we understand that he’s not planning to attend a service, but we would like to attend one, and would it be ok if we did that first and then have the dinner? And my dad adjusted his plans and ended up attending a service with us. So when it comes to my family, I usually advocate for my husband and act as a diplomat. He also has gotten (rightfully) upset with my brother jumping in to “parent” our children in certain moments instead of bringing a concern to us so that we can do the parenting. And when he pointed that out, I spoke to my brother and asked him to bring a behavioural concern to us (unless it’s an emergency etc) so we can parent rather than correcting our children for us. So that’s the sort of thing I am talking about. My family isn’t perfect. But I generally have taken my husband’s side and present a unified front to my family. If I insisted they were right and tried to do what my family wanted, that would probably be hard for my husband, but I have generally seen his point or have already been on the same page.

ETA: yes, there was an agreed way forward - I had asked him if he could take the lead on his family’s birthdays given his sister’s years of making it clear she doesn’t want me around (with exhausting, confusing “hot and cold” friend-to-enemy interactions during most visits). After years of buying them all nice gifts, calling them, ignoring SIL’s cruelty with a “today is a new day” attitude, I finally realised that I was just done. I said him taking the mantle with his family (mainly SIL) would be best for all of us. Things are fine now with MIL. H has major issues with his dad, but that’s another story.

Op you mention your FIL coming on to you, and your MIL judging you and making you feel like shit, and your husband being physically violent to you…. Please stop focussing on trivial issues such as this and channel all your energy into your divorce

you must be close to finalising now?

Thanks, I wanted to check rather than read between the lines and infer drama that isn’t actually there - but it’s just normal communications. I hope your family can offer you support through this.

What a bunch of weirdos. I'm glad you are planning to leave, you are wasting your life on a group of people who don't give a shit about you; including your DH.

A few people have mentioned this. I can’t see where OP has said this - Is this info in another thread?

A number of very disturbing threads

ah ok thanks. Thats unfortunate :/

If that’s the case Op why are you even bothering about this?

Your husband is on his way out, few men are pleasant in the period leading up to a divorce and he sounded horrible to begin with. Just focus on getting out and not responding to every bit of nonsense he tries to fling at you.

Thank you. His response tends to make me reexamine my behaviour, feel guilty, feel like a bad mum and bad aunt, and worry that I have done the wrong thing. He gets so upset that I think, “gosh, I must he horrible”. Even if this was something I already discussed with him. (He may have forgotten or not been taking it in, but I definitely discussed it with him). He says this means I have a feud with SIL. I told him it’s not a feud, but that I have accepted she doesn’t really want me around and am on board with supporting cousin relationships and believe it will be smoothest if he takes the lead on calls. I also just want to be kinder to myself after years of putting myself out there and taking it on the chin. I fully agree with anyone who thinks it’s sad that adult issues have to interfere with cousin relationships on some level. When my eldest is a little older, he can probably call cousins, I can say hello with him there, and that will help. But for now, my children aren’t really willing to do that. They are happy to see cousins in person but they are barely interested in phone calls/ video calls and it barely keeps their attention so the adults have to interact quite a bit.

Your husband is a controlling abusive arsehole with a toxic family.
Focus on your plans to leave.
Don't hesitate to involve the police if he becomes aggressive.

There is a lot of truth in this. I would only add that he seemed to treat me with contempt from the beginning of marriage and it was difficult to figure out why. I kept trying and kept loving him. Recognised he was abusive. Now definitely don’t like him. Still have a strong sense of how I “should” be as a mother and family member. Feel guilty when it’s not the standard I hold myself to for valuing relationships.

Thank you. 😆 I need to focus on this. He still manages to make me feel guilty. My solicitor has told me there are some things I need to report to police and I will. You are right that this stuff should be the least of my worries right now.

So rather than mumsnet today

contact the police

There hasn’t been any significant drama on my side. When I say H has boundaries with my family, I mean he expresses them to me most of the time and I have handled the situation in a way that puts us forward as a team. If there is something he doesn’t like, he tells me, and I speak up for him. And my family usually listens. They have said / done things that needed to be addressed. But they do listen and I do help reinforce.

eta: I have started to talk to my family about my marriage and the abuse - I’m not sure my brother really understands, but my parents were very understanding and told me if I need to get a divorce, just get a divorce. My mother has dementia and it has worsened since I first spoke to her about divorce, so unfortunately I’m not really able to talk to her about it and my dad is very busy with her care so they are not very available.

What a POS. Please don’t judge yourself by their toxic standards. I just read what he put you through and that alone would be grounds to leave and never look back. He’s so disgusting, so is his family. Shame on your SIL for being that type of a woman. I also wouldn’t be rushing to encourage ‘cousin’ relationships. Children are very much influenced by their parents. I’ve seen this in families. The saving grace is that they are 10 hours away. Just frame it as why should I care about people who live so far away and are toxic. Focus on leaving, what is your plan around that? Are you working, do you have a supportive family?

Very much this.