To be worried about DH?

[purplefishswims]

He says we feel like roommates. I would agree. We have an almost one year old. To be fair, we haven’t been on any date nights since baby was born, despite having offers of childcare. It’s at the stage where he doesn’t want to spend time with me, not even sitting on the sofa to watch something together. He says it would feel forced because we don’t have anything in common at the moment and there isn’t the same spark as before. I am thinking, well no shit? If you leave your coffee, it goes cold…

It’s a particularly hard stage with baby as sleep is not great and has not been for months and juggling work, parenting, life and everything else means there is not much space for our marriage. That said I feel hurt that all the affection has totally stopped, this is a big shift in how he was pre baby. He has also lost a significant amount of weight and is very defensive about it when I raise it as a concern. Other family members have noticed this too. I would say he seems withdrawn and often more glazed over at home but happy and functional at work and with friends. He is just not being himself. He thinks he is not a good dad and that I think he is not a good dad. This isn’t true. He has very few and far between little moments of joking and seeming happy like before. He always encourages me to make plans, have fun, have time to myself, spend time with friends and family etc, but often when I try and engage him with a plan, even a family day at the moment, he will make an excuse. I have two leading theories, 1) he doesn’t actually like me anymore and loves our baby but is struggling with the massive shift in responsibility and commitment or 2) he is having a MH difficulty of sort.

Thoughts? I am not sure how I can best help!

I really don’t know how to feel about it all, the disconnect is awful

Aw he is struggling that he’s not getting all the attention by the sounds of it. Very common. You need to arrange a chat over a coffee and have your child minded so you both get full attention. Best done sooner than later xxx

Thank you. I’ve tried to suggest it to him but he’s so closed off and has actually said he doesn’t want to, which is so painful to hear :(

Agree with the above but also think it is a little pathetic - he is surely capable of organising a date night. Anyway I guess if he isn't then maybe you need to start things off. What do you do on weekends? Do you have family days out? Does he parent much?

I wouldn’t feel sorry him as he’s not even willing to try by the sound of it. It’s only his home life he is unhappy with and that says alot.

I don’t like to jump to it but I would assume there is another women. He will blame you for being busy with the baby, he feels better for having lost weight and went elsewhere for attention.

If your marriage is going to get back on track you need to calmly have a full and open conversation about where you are now, how you got there and what can be done to improve things. With both of you fully participating. You might need counselling to facilitate that.

His weight loss might be a symptom of illness, mental or physical. That would be best included in your conversation.

But (and it gives me no pleasure to suggest this) it could also be a sign that he is interested in another woman. The horrible truth is that many men stray when their wives are pregnant and / or when a baby arrives. Countless women have posted here having found themselves in that position. A new interest in their appearance and checking out of their marriage are often tell tale signs. I hope that isn’t the case for you but I don’t think you can completely discount it.

Has he met someone else?

Weight loss, happy when out & about just not at home with his wife & child, rewriting the relationship as having nothing in common/feeling forced yet no attempt from him to arrange a date night, withdrawing affection… if it walks like a duck.

I know what my first guess would be & it’s not mental health struggles. He’s lost interest, or someone else has captured his interest.

To me he’s met someone else and wants to exist the marriage and blame you.

So what's his plan then? Stay as you are?

I agree. He's lost a lot of weight that he is defensive about and he's happy outside the home but miserable at home.

By weight loss I don’t mean he was big to start with, he wasn’t. His clothes are hanging off him and not in a good way?

He’s ill and won’t tell you? That’s the doom situation but it could be what’s happening. Men bottle things up.

I’m really sorry and I hope it’s not but when my DH lost weight and became distant from me, he was having an affair…

Something is bothering him.
Any chance he might be gay? Has he got himself into financial trouble, gambling for example?

Doesn't want to play happy families.
The weight loss - well, not sure how it fits in there.

You mean lost weight in healthy and purposeful way (diet/exercise). Or lost weight, as in can't keep it on, no lifestyle change. Because the latter would indicate illness and, giving him the benefit of the doubt, some kind of health crisis he is worried about.

However I also think, as PPs, more likely 3) he likes someone else and is really bloody annoyed that he can't legit go for it, so it's basically your fault.

Less sex, less attention, finally realising that life has changed and that they have a new and pointed responsibility are all triggers for male infidelity. Weight loss, sudden interest in self-appearance, and distance are key indicators of infidelity. Sorry OP. Could be something else though.

Oh dear OP, I hope this isn’t leading up to the script 🙄 ……

I hate to say it, but this is how my ExH's behaviour began. They become a total shit, so therefore you will end it, and it won't be their fault. Is he possessive of his phone, staying out later?

So you have had offers of baby sitting so you can rekindle your marriage and have turned it down and now you’re wondering why your marriage is struggling ?

Ok, I might get piled on for this but I was shocked to learn through the parenting classes that it’s not just the birthing mums that can get postpartum depression - 10% of fathers develop it too. Given how many hundreds of thousands of kids are born each year, that’s a heck of a lot of dads and very little support for them.

It can hit in so many different ways but yes, this kind of character change in the relationship could be rooted in that. As mums, we get perinatal mental health support options to help us with it - it might be worth looking into what would be available to him as a dad as well.

Or maybe he’s being a twat, realising how hard everything is going to be now and pulling away. All you can do is talk to him and hopefully find a way through this really tough period of parenting.

Edited to add citation: https://www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/blogs-and-stories/after-birth/tommys-midwives/postnatal-depression-men

Where has OP said that she has turned the offers of childcare down? She has said:

'To be fair, we haven’t been on any date nights since baby was born, despite having offers of childcare. It’s at the stage where he doesn’t want to spend time with me'

This sounds as though he has said that he doesn't want to go out with her as he doesn't want to spend time with her, not that she doesn't want to.

Where has OP said that she has turned the offers of childcare down? She has said:

'To be fair, we haven’t been on any date nights since baby was born, despite having offers of childcare. It’s at the stage where he doesn’t want to spend time with me'

This sounds as though he has said that he doesn't want to go out with her as he doesn't want to spend time with her, not that she doesn't want to.

To be honest it sounds like he has met someone else and is gearing up to leave, in a way that he can blame you for. Sorry but this is about your relationship.