To be worried about DH?

[purplefishswims]

He says we feel like roommates. I would agree. We have an almost one year old. To be fair, we haven’t been on any date nights since baby was born, despite having offers of childcare. It’s at the stage where he doesn’t want to spend time with me, not even sitting on the sofa to watch something together. He says it would feel forced because we don’t have anything in common at the moment and there isn’t the same spark as before. I am thinking, well no shit? If you leave your coffee, it goes cold…

It’s a particularly hard stage with baby as sleep is not great and has not been for months and juggling work, parenting, life and everything else means there is not much space for our marriage. That said I feel hurt that all the affection has totally stopped, this is a big shift in how he was pre baby. He has also lost a significant amount of weight and is very defensive about it when I raise it as a concern. Other family members have noticed this too. I would say he seems withdrawn and often more glazed over at home but happy and functional at work and with friends. He is just not being himself. He thinks he is not a good dad and that I think he is not a good dad. This isn’t true. He has very few and far between little moments of joking and seeming happy like before. He always encourages me to make plans, have fun, have time to myself, spend time with friends and family etc, but often when I try and engage him with a plan, even a family day at the moment, he will make an excuse. I have two leading theories, 1) he doesn’t actually like me anymore and loves our baby but is struggling with the massive shift in responsibility and commitment or 2) he is having a MH difficulty of sort.

Thoughts? I am not sure how I can best help!

I was going to say PND as @LaughingCat said. My ex husband suffered terribly from this after our first child, for quite some time.

The weight loss and being withdrawn, not making plans - something's amiss.

Is he ill ? Sounds like a physical or mental illness triggered by the massive change. Is he anorexic or bulimic

I’ve no idea, I don’t think so? Skips lunch sometimes and I guess just doesn’t eat loads now but I wouldn’t say the diet or exercise change have been much different on before… so to me it is unexplained, and his relatives have also said they’re worried. Like shoulders sticking out thin and needs new jeans

Maybe as for the depression comments but wouldn’t he also be miserable at work and in other contexts? That’s not the case I don’t think

He says it would feel forced because we don’t have anything in common at the moment

Except, you know, your child !

...and your home, your past, your marriage, presumably your shared interests in TV & other things, and perhaps your friends?

I have no respect for men like this, they come out with this line as a code for 'I'm not getting the attention and/or sex' I want from you.

He should go to his GP. That sounds more like anorexia maybe triggered by anxiety and not being able to cope with new responsibilities

Work could be an escape. I find it hard to believe its another woman though. I dont think you slim and develop a skeletal look to attract another woman. You'd be more likely to want to tone up surely, not look like a scarecrow

I've suffered with depression on and off for a long time and had an extended period of PND after my first child. I found I could mask up fairly well around my friends and at work, even when I was at my lowest. None of my colleagues would have known how badly I was feeling; some of the more astute ones noticed that I was feeling a "bit flat" post-baby, but that was it.

I think it's common for colleagues and acquaintances to be really shocked when someone takes their own life, and say they never saw it coming, and I think this is why.

I would proceed as if he has PND as a start, OP. Better to do that and then find he's having an affair than proceed the other way and assume an affair (and act accordingly) when he's actually just really struggling and needs you more than ever.

Not necessarily - we’re all used to putting on a good face at work and with friends. Often our closest peeps are the only ones who get to see the reality. The weight loss was another of the red flags for me, especially as you’ve clarified that it’s not so much a new routine that has him looking trimmer but lack of self-care making him more gaunt-like. Talking to him is going to be difficult though and I don’t have advice on that. Can you maybe come at it sideways, and afford couples counselling? It might help to have a structured, safe space to open up to him about these things.

I was also going to say this. Friend's DH had it and it was awful for both of them. Have you suggested couple's therapy? This might help him open up about what he's feeling and why there's been a disconnect recently

If he had depression, it wouldn't just be situational, when he's with his wife and baby. It would be constant. He wouldn't be happy and laughing with his friends.

It could be multiple things. With unexplained weight loss, I think drug use. He could be having an affair.

But if he refuses to address it with you, your marriage won't last. Ask him if he's willing to go to marriage counseling. If it's simply he's no longer the center of your attention, there's not much you can do. A young baby takes priority over a grown man who doesn't need a caregiver for literal survival.

It is possible to mask depressive presentation while at work but that would require significant decompression after work and would inevitably lead to a worsening of their mental health.

I had a friend whose husband suffered from this "high functioning depression" and it took its toll on him and his family.

The extreme weight loss does not indicate to me that infidelity is likely. It is perhaps a good idea to visit the GP for professional opinion.

I don't think the first bit you say is quite true. Maintaining connections with friends, making sure you socialise and don't become isolated, are all elements of treatment for depression. If the situation that's causing his depression is the shock of the disruption of having a new baby and a sense of loss of his old life and an altered relationship with his wife - then it would make sense that he might feel a bit lifted when he's away from that situation. But as another PP said, it all comes crashing down when he gets home. It's horrible for all involved, trust me.

He could be cheating, he could be depressed. He also could be like 2 friends husbands, who decided they just weren’t interested in DC when they came and didn’t really want to be a FT parent.

What’s he like with the baby?

I think you need a neutral person to speak to him as he probably won’t give you a straight answer.

He’s a prick. If he has MH issues then he needs to seek help - as adults do! He doesn’t want to go out on dates or as a family?!? So then the marriage is essentially over.

I’m so sorry to be that blunt but I think you deserve better and deserve a peaceful life and maybe someone that does desire you eventually. The feeling sorry for themselves and saying they’re not a good Dad is designed to keep you confused and pitiful so you don’t leave. Don’t sit waiting for him to do the right thing.

My current partner lost weight and started thinking he was more desirable than he actually is! I should have gotten rid of him at the time but I gave him another chance (didn’t cheat but crossed a line) I wish so much that I had just moved on.

You have your child in common.

They emotionally check out. But surprise surprise they don’t want to leave the comfort of the home and the clean clothes and the home cooked meals or the occasional sex. Gross.