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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do I take him at his word?

40 replies

WellErrr · 01/10/2025 13:58

Last year I booked a lovely short trip to London just before Christmas. We went to a show, ice skating, had a great time. The show was the Nutracker ballet. H said at the time that it was ‘the most boring shit he’d ever sat through’ and wouldn’t go again.
The kids had a great time. In spring I asked him if he wanted to do it again this year. He said yes, London was ok but he wouldn’t go see ‘that tight pants shit’ again, which I assumed was the ballet. I duly booked a different show and told him.

Today I was reminding him of the date we are going and he claimed to know nothing of this, states that he refused to go anyway, he hates London, hated the show, why on earth did I book it? He’s not going because he doesn’t want to. I pointed out that having their father absent may lessen the magic of the season for the children, to which he answered ‘yeah but I don’t want to go.’

I asked him to confirm that he definitely doesn’t want to go. Was it just the show? He could go shopping whilst we go to the show, and still have the rest of the trip with the kids? Plus, it will make it all so much more of a mission for me doing alone with three DC.
He said no. He already told me he doesn’t want to go to that shit place, why did I book it, he doesn’t think he’ll have any fun so he’ll stay home thanks.

Now, there’s a good chance that he will think better of this nearer the time and want to join us. But if I want a refund, I need to cancel his tickets now. In the past, I would have tried to convince him but I’m a bit knackered of all that now.

Should I just cancel his side of the trip?

YABU - don’t cancel the tickets, he will come round, try bring the family together, cancelling them will be petty.

YANBU - cancel the tickets as requested, leave him home to look after the pets, go without him.

OP posts:
ButSheSaid · 01/10/2025 14:03

He sounds like shit company, enjoy the trip free of him.

TheProfoundlyPeculiarPointOfPete · 01/10/2025 14:04

Oh, how silly of you to book a trip solely for his pleasure when he's been mildly ambiguous about whether he would appreciate it! Next time you're privileged enough to have the job of managing his leisure time to optimise his enjoyment over everyone else's, I think you should ask him for a few pointers....

No, really, he's an arse. I would go without him - on balance I think it'll be more fun for you and the kids.

But seriously, I wouldn't be carrying on with this if this is a regular occurrence.

TheProfoundlyPeculiarPointOfPete · 01/10/2025 14:05

Also, it's definitely not "petty" to cancel it as he has asked. Does he often say things like this without actually meaning them?

Squarealarmclock · 01/10/2025 14:07

Definitely cancel his trip and arrange for the equivalent time child free for you

MumChp · 01/10/2025 14:07

I would leave him at home and tbh never book a ticket for him again.

WellErrr · 01/10/2025 14:08

Squarealarmclock · 01/10/2025 14:07

Definitely cancel his trip and arrange for the equivalent time child free for you

Ha! This made me laugh 🤣
You’re quite right but it would never happen.

OP posts:
ToadRage · 01/10/2025 14:08

I'm sorry, but he sounds like a complete dick. Don't cancel anything but if he really won't come take a friend or relation ( Mum, MiL, Sister?), they can help you with the kids and have a lovely day out and then you can come home and tell him what a fantastic time you had without him. I have little respect for men who don't appreciate good theatre, my husband rarely understands the story the ballet tells but he truly recognises the athleticism of the performers. He is also not that into musicals or Shakespeare but he takes me because i like them and along the way he may find one that he likes, He LOVES Les Miserables, Rent and the Nutcracker.

WellErrr · 01/10/2025 14:09

TheProfoundlyPeculiarPointOfPete · 01/10/2025 14:04

Oh, how silly of you to book a trip solely for his pleasure when he's been mildly ambiguous about whether he would appreciate it! Next time you're privileged enough to have the job of managing his leisure time to optimise his enjoyment over everyone else's, I think you should ask him for a few pointers....

No, really, he's an arse. I would go without him - on balance I think it'll be more fun for you and the kids.

But seriously, I wouldn't be carrying on with this if this is a regular occurrence.

I have tried to point out that this is about giving the kids a nice Christmas treat, rather than what he or I would like to do, but he just doesn’t get it.

OP posts:
Mandylovescandy · 01/10/2025 14:11

I would confirm with him again that he definitely doesn't want to come and say that's fine if you are sure then I will cancel his tickets etc. I would probably do that over what's app so he can't claim he never said that closer to the time

purplefishswims · 01/10/2025 14:11

Go without him. What’s wrong with him?

WellErrr · 01/10/2025 14:13

Mandylovescandy · 01/10/2025 14:11

I would confirm with him again that he definitely doesn't want to come and say that's fine if you are sure then I will cancel his tickets etc. I would probably do that over what's app so he can't claim he never said that closer to the time

Yes good idea thank you.

OP posts:
WellErrr · 01/10/2025 14:13

purplefishswims · 01/10/2025 14:11

Go without him. What’s wrong with him?

Who knows? I’ve given up trying to work it out.

OP posts:
Clarinet1 · 01/10/2025 14:15

He sounds an absolute killjoy. Does he have any good points?

Lurkingandlearning · 01/10/2025 14:16

Is there another adult who might enjoy taking his place and help wrangle your children? I would enjoy the day much more with someone who was happy to be there than have him there under sufferance and dipping in and out of the plans

Dweetfidilove · 01/10/2025 14:16

Do you have a nicer adult that would go with you?
If that's his response, I'm guessing he provides very little (if any) magic anyway.

Thundertoast · 01/10/2025 14:17

WellErrr · 01/10/2025 14:09

I have tried to point out that this is about giving the kids a nice Christmas treat, rather than what he or I would like to do, but he just doesn’t get it.

I had a dad like this!
We have a shit relationship now. And he regularly waxes lyrical about all the things 'we' did when I was younger, when all.i remember is him not being there, taking the piss or sat there with a face on. Really put a shadow over my childhood, to be honest.

TheProfoundlyPeculiarPointOfPete · 01/10/2025 14:17

WellErrr · 01/10/2025 14:09

I have tried to point out that this is about giving the kids a nice Christmas treat, rather than what he or I would like to do, but he just doesn’t get it.

He gets it; it's just not a priority for him.

SJM1988 · 01/10/2025 14:19

Cancel his part and use the money to enjoy some child free time of you own.

wizzywig · 01/10/2025 14:19

He sounds an arse and a right boring git and its like youre turning into his mum.

WellErrr · 01/10/2025 14:19

Clarinet1 · 01/10/2025 14:15

He sounds an absolute killjoy. Does he have any good points?

Well they all have some, or none of us would ever walk down the aisle with them.
For a few years now I’ve been in the ‘why does he do that? Why does an otherwise kind person treat me like this? What did I do? How can I fix us?’ mindset.

Now I’ve moved into the ‘meh, whatever’ stage and it’s much nicer here.

Honestly though, I look around at my friends husbands and although some are better than others, they’re all pretty selfish and unkind when they want to be. It’s just all a bit shit isn’t it.

OP posts:
llittledoveblue · 01/10/2025 14:24

That’s so sad op. a lovely festive time with his family and he can’t just tag along and try enjoy it? if I were you I would cancel his side of the trip. Say nothing more to him about it.
go enjoy yourself with you dc and have a lovely time together. Leave his miserable backside at home!

just to say, if my Dh behaved that way I would be livid!!

WellErrr · 01/10/2025 14:27

It is quite sad 😢

Ive tried being livid in the past about very similar things. I just get called spoilt and high maintenance and it gets me nowhere.

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 01/10/2025 14:31

WellErrr · 01/10/2025 14:09

I have tried to point out that this is about giving the kids a nice Christmas treat, rather than what he or I would like to do, but he just doesn’t get it.

That's the sad thing, that it's really about giving the kids a great Big Day Out memory and seeing them enjoy themselves was a key part of doing that for me. But its sad that he can't see that. His loss however. Sorry OP. I hope you go and maybe get a relative/friend to come too.. and have a wonderful time, whilst Scrooge Mac Duff watches Strictly on his own at home.

CurlewKate · 01/10/2025 14:34

WellErrr · 01/10/2025 14:09

I have tried to point out that this is about giving the kids a nice Christmas treat, rather than what he or I would like to do, but he just doesn’t get it.

He does get it. He absolutely gets it. He just doesn’t care. Because he’s an arse.

Find someone else to have the ticket and be another adult. Your mum or dad, his mum or dad, your sister, your friend….

ButSheSaid · 01/10/2025 14:49

You don't need to accept you and your kids being treated badly by this man.

They'll think it's normal, aspirational.

He's meant to be enhancing your life, making everything easier and fun, being an excellent, functional parent and role model.