Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do I take him at his word?

40 replies

WellErrr · 01/10/2025 13:58

Last year I booked a lovely short trip to London just before Christmas. We went to a show, ice skating, had a great time. The show was the Nutracker ballet. H said at the time that it was ‘the most boring shit he’d ever sat through’ and wouldn’t go again.
The kids had a great time. In spring I asked him if he wanted to do it again this year. He said yes, London was ok but he wouldn’t go see ‘that tight pants shit’ again, which I assumed was the ballet. I duly booked a different show and told him.

Today I was reminding him of the date we are going and he claimed to know nothing of this, states that he refused to go anyway, he hates London, hated the show, why on earth did I book it? He’s not going because he doesn’t want to. I pointed out that having their father absent may lessen the magic of the season for the children, to which he answered ‘yeah but I don’t want to go.’

I asked him to confirm that he definitely doesn’t want to go. Was it just the show? He could go shopping whilst we go to the show, and still have the rest of the trip with the kids? Plus, it will make it all so much more of a mission for me doing alone with three DC.
He said no. He already told me he doesn’t want to go to that shit place, why did I book it, he doesn’t think he’ll have any fun so he’ll stay home thanks.

Now, there’s a good chance that he will think better of this nearer the time and want to join us. But if I want a refund, I need to cancel his tickets now. In the past, I would have tried to convince him but I’m a bit knackered of all that now.

Should I just cancel his side of the trip?

YABU - don’t cancel the tickets, he will come round, try bring the family together, cancelling them will be petty.

YANBU - cancel the tickets as requested, leave him home to look after the pets, go without him.

OP posts:
chocolatemademefat · 01/10/2025 14:54

Leave him at home. It might be hard work with three kids but you won’t have to constantly hope he’s enjoying it. The kids will love it and when you come home be sure to tell them to impress on him what a wonderful time they had.

ilovelamp82 · 01/10/2025 14:58

WellErrr · 01/10/2025 14:09

I have tried to point out that this is about giving the kids a nice Christmas treat, rather than what he or I would like to do, but he just doesn’t get it.

He does get it, he just doesn't care. And why would it never happen that you could have some childfree time? Sounds like you have more issues than a ticket to the ballet to contend with.

Onlycoffee · 01/10/2025 14:59

WellErrr · 01/10/2025 14:09

I have tried to point out that this is about giving the kids a nice Christmas treat, rather than what he or I would like to do, but he just doesn’t get it.

I'm sure he does get it, he just doesn't care enough. His comfort is more important.

You even asked him to come, not going to the show but be there to help you with the kids, I mean, that's not complicated to understand.

He's a selfish prick and I would definitely cancel his place and not bring it up again! Put it on the calendar and it's up to him to remember you and the DCs are going away.

ChristmasFluff · 01/10/2025 15:38

I didn't go and see 'Alvin and the Chipmunks - The Squeakuel' five times because I enjoyed it. I went because I love my son, and I loved seeing his joy at watching that damn film.

What's the matter with this man that he doesn't want to be there to share in his children's Christmas joy and to give them a special family memory?

It's almost like he only loves himself, and doesn't even love his own children.

BillStickersWillBeProsocuted · 01/10/2025 15:43

Mandylovescandy · 01/10/2025 14:11

I would confirm with him again that he definitely doesn't want to come and say that's fine if you are sure then I will cancel his tickets etc. I would probably do that over what's app so he can't claim he never said that closer to the time

This is what I was going to say - it's rubbish you have to take the "get it in writing" route in a relationship, but he's already denied all knowledge on a conversation once so could well do it again!

Boxboom · 01/10/2025 16:06

God love you OP.
He sounds like uncouth lowlife.
Poor children.

Shoxfordian · 01/10/2025 16:29

How much longer are you going to put up with this?

Owly11 · 01/10/2025 16:34

Yes of course cancel him. Why on earth wouldn’t you. It’s important for anyone to realise that words matter and that you should only say what you mean and mean what you say (sorry for the cliche but it does fit here!).

Gruffporcupine · 01/10/2025 16:36

Cancel his ticket and don't even bother telling him you're going. Better yet, ltb

moderndilemma · 01/10/2025 16:47

WellErrr · 01/10/2025 14:08

Ha! This made me laugh 🤣
You’re quite right but it would never happen.

So he's a selfish arse all the time? I don't understand why you are laughing at this. Presumably he was involved in the decision to have children, so what does he do to support you and nurture his dc?

Honestly, I'd say "OK so you don't want to come to X event for the dc, fine it will be MY special festive treat for them. What is YOUR festive treat with them going to be?"

If you want to be super-accommodating you could then link 3 alternative days out that are suitable for your dc - eg: a Santa ride on a steam train; a festive visit to a reindeer petting attraction; a day at home making Christmas wreaths and mince pies. Then you book time out for yourself: lunch and Christmas shopping with your Mum/sister/grandmother OR an adult only Christmas wine tasting OR a day volunteering to help with a local charity. (depending on what you know you will commit to, and that you cannot take any dc to)

Leave him to it. If he opts for nothing, then you still go ahead with your plan, and he has to deal with over-excited dc. What happens is not your responsibility. Unless you choose, once again, to rescue him (for the sake of your dc).

Mauvehoodie · 01/10/2025 16:52

Definitely drop the rope, do not under any circumstances try to persuade him, get his ok to cancel his tickets in writing (WhatsApp or messages - that was a great idea of a PP) and do so. He sounds like he wants you to cajole him round, telling him much you want him there then spend the whole trip pandering to him to make sure he’s ok and having a nice time. It sounds exhausting but there are a lot of men I know who pull that sort of stunt. take the wind out of his sails by taking him at his word and at least it prevents this sort of thing repeating as he knows he won’t be pandered to like a toddler.

Of course he may just not want to go. But either way it’ll be a win-win not to have a sulky man baby trailing around like a wet blanket. I bet wrangling the kids will actually be easier without him, just keep things as easy and simple as possible and don’t over book yourselves.

Karatema · 01/10/2025 16:53

Men are, essentially, selfish. My DH did this many moons ago over the Xmas period. We took my eldest and the GF to a musical. DH sat with a face like thunder and huffed and puffed through it. Ruined mine and eldest’s night so I rarely book anything with him now; I either go on my own or go with a friend!

tinytemper66 · 01/10/2025 17:10

Go without him. Sod him. Miserable sod.

Elsvieta · 02/10/2025 19:28

What kind of show have you booked - another ballet, or something different?

If he doesn't want to go, go without him and have fun. Then in a few months tell him it's time to take the kids on a just-dad-and-the-kids trip, whatever he thinks they would all enjoy, and you have a couple of days to yourself.

IGotBigKidsAndICannotLie · 02/10/2025 19:32

You and your children deserve better than this, OP. LTB

New posts on this thread. Refresh page