Husband never apologises. Can't leave yet. How to cope with the hurt?

[Travelfairy]

DH upsets me regularly with his behaviour. Last week was particularly bad, not going into details as its outing but I ended up in tears in a public place which has never happened before.

It was a new low in my book. He never apologised. Asked after a while 'are you ok'. I said of course not.

His reply is that he is 'not playing into my version of events' and he didn't shout (he did!!) and he has nothing to apologise for.

I'm guessing this is a narcissistic trait. I keep flip flopping if he is or isn't a narcissist. Some behaviours definitely are. He just goes on as normal and eventually I start talking to him again as I cant deal with the tension and the children pick up on it.

At the moment I am v low contact with him, not messaging at all through day and avoiding him in evenings. Anyone in similar situation. I cant leave him at the moment but its something I'm considering down the line....

YABU- if he doesnt feel he needs to apologise he shouldn't.
YANBU-its clear he upset you, he needs to at least apologise and quickly

I wouldn't just be considering leaving, I'd be making proper plans. He's not going to suddenly improve and you actively avoid him. That's not a relationship.
Don't give him the opportunity to be nasty to you. If he starts, walk off immediately. Don't stand there and take it. Cut him off. He probably enjoys the power of making you upset; don't let him.

Yes I suppose I am going to start but I am out of work at the moment so I really cannot. He works away a lot which is a saving grace. He is going away on friday for 2 weeks for example. Its lovely when hes not here.

If he doesn't want to apologise nothing you say to him can change that. He is probably very invested in his view of himself as a blameless really good guy.

You need to - and I KNOW it's hard - change the way you think. Change the way you feel.

You dont simply decide to feel differently, that's not how it works. It is hard work and takes time!

Accept that he will not apologise simply because he is incapable of seeing how his behaviour affects you and he doesn't care anyway, and nstead of wasting your time wishing he could see things from your pov, put all your energies into getting away from him.

Every time he is awful it's another tick in the "and that's why I'm leaving you" box.

It isn't easy, it isn't quick but it is possible.

The only way forward is low/preferably no contact. If your gut is saying he is likely one, listen to it. You don’t want to be making these moves in two/five/twenty years and kicking yourself for not listening to your own intuition.

What do without you get out of this relationship?

I can’t say much because mine follows everything I do (get ready for that if you have identified what he is)

Understand there’s no empathy there, nothing human. If he’s a true narc, you telling him he hurt you pleases him, makes him feel good. Disgusting, right?

Get out of there quietly, don’t try to reason with someone with brain damage. They are unfixable.

A big tell will be a very slight smirk when you’re upset, watch for that. Many of them can’t hide their pleasure.

Oh and most importantly, don’t let him know that you know what he is. Once they know you know, the real torture and abuse begins.

Get your things and get out of there quietly

Thanks everyone. I hate being cool with him because I am such a warm person as in I'm naturally caring. I dont want my kids being unhappy because they see I am. I am jusy communicating with him on matter of fact things, there was an issue with our bank the other day so I made him aware, that type of thing.

He bought my favourite chocolate bar and left in fridge yesterday (without saying anything) and did a couple of other 'nice things'. This is what he does rather than actually apologise.

When I messaged him last week when we werent talking because around the kids, he denies the whole event. He has a work phone and is afraid they will at some point access the messages. He replies to my messages almost in solicitor talk. Its infuriating

Mine lovebombed with food, it’s the only way he shows love. No other way.

Exactly the same way too, will get something special and act like it’s all fixed, nothing happened. This is to train you to tolerate their bs for very little back. Their mothers did it to them by only showing love/remorse in food (my theory)

Get out of there girl. I can see you’re starting to process this all. If you want to learn more about narcissism from someone qualified in psychology, look up charliechalk12 on TikTok, he really knows his stuff. Good luck 💖

If you’re “very low contact” with and avoiding your husband, I imagine he’s probably more than aware that the marriage is over in everything but name. Neither of you have much motivation or incentive to keep up the pretence of liking each other, you’re both resentful and miserable, and nothing’s going to change until you separate properly and can get things rolling with divorce. There’s never a perfect time to do it, and you’re doing more damage to yourselves living half lives in this dysfunction.

I’m in a similar situation. I can’t leave for a while because I have progressive sight loss and I don’t have much family or friends back up. It’s amazing that there seems to be so much similar behaviour out there that women are experiencing from male partners … the shouting, the abusiveness, the denials, the lack of apology, the doing of “nice things” afterwards which are supposed to make what they did all right … until the next time. Why so much in common?

And is this largely just men’s behaviour or is it just as much women but we’re not seeing reports about women because it’s Mumsnet?

Sorry to hear you are experiencing this too and sorry to hear about your sight problems. That's really tough 😔
Do you have children? My kids have additional needs. Son would be OK but my DD would really struggle with all the upheaval divorce would bring.
I wish neither of us were in this situation. I am so sick of him. We have tickets for a Halloween event on Sunday and I really dont want to go with him to it 😒 the kids haven't picked up on much as we have been together v little this week by circumstances...he had evening work commitments last 2 evenings and I have for next 2....but a half day together at an event it would become obvious I think. The day after he is away with work for a week and I can't wait. Bliss just me here with the kids, him not interfering and creating mess everywhere

There are many people who think that apologies make them weak. It’s a way of avoiding accountability and to dress up their stubbornness as some kind of aggressive strength. These people are emotionally stunted.

You would think that but I think he thinks that ill just be in a bad mood for a few days and snap out of it....its me who is the problem in his eyes and I think he believes i will never leave him

Is he neurodiverse? Is he generally crap at relationships? Does socialising exhaust him?

I have a DH like this too and for various reasons not currently in a position to leave.
never apologises. Ever.

runs around fixing physical things and other people’s things as if that will fix it all.
I'm done with it.
biding my time until I find the space and fortitude to move on.

No diagnosis bit i strongly suspect ADHD. He has zero empathy. He will practically help with things. Like when my Dad died made a video montage for funeral which was lovely, he spent hours on it but never asked was I ok or offered any emotional support. My Aunt died last year, we were extremely close, like a mother to me. He was away for funeral on a business trip and honestly it didnt even make a difference because he is zero support in situations like that. Again will do practical things like drive to venue or something but wont entertainment what grief is like and that it doesnt end at the funeral!
I never talk to him about it because its pointless....

What are you doing while you bide your time? Pretending all ok? Are you intimate etc? So sorry you are also in this situation

No intimacy in the last 6m. I have the ick.

pretending all is ok. And keeping myself busy.

If you really cannot leave right now, I’d consider some therapy to help guide you through these feelings and find coping mechanisms for when things get tough and also to help you figure out a structured plan on making steps towards leaving.
This must be a lot to deal with and I feel for you. Being in an abusive relationship is soul destroying and I’m sorry to say it’s only going to eat away at your self esteem more the longer you stay with him.
Break down what exactly it is stopping you from leaving right now, and then look towards overcoming those hurdles so you can start working towards having a life free of this abuse.

Start making concrete plans to get out - start quietly gathering information on what you may be entitled to in terms of benefits, maintenance etc. You don't need to act on it until you are ready, but you will know when you are. Not in UK, but I think Women's Aid is probably a great place to start.

All of this.

My DH always requires ME to apologise. I know this abusive trait. I never do of course because he’s the problem. So I would just get off the apologizing horse. It’s not worth thinking about because it’s just a word. When he says it, it will be meaningless. That’s why I don’t respond. If you can engage him in changing his behaviour, it might be better. My DH tells me to move out too. When hell freezes over!

Thank you, really solid advice. I am planning on getting lots of information. Financially there's a lot to consider. We cannot support two properties. His parents live abroad. So I dont know where he could go and I dont want me and kids could leave family home