Husband never apologises. Can't leave yet. How to cope with the hurt?

[Travelfairy]

DH upsets me regularly with his behaviour. Last week was particularly bad, not going into details as its outing but I ended up in tears in a public place which has never happened before.

It was a new low in my book. He never apologised. Asked after a while 'are you ok'. I said of course not.

His reply is that he is 'not playing into my version of events' and he didn't shout (he did!!) and he has nothing to apologise for.

I'm guessing this is a narcissistic trait. I keep flip flopping if he is or isn't a narcissist. Some behaviours definitely are. He just goes on as normal and eventually I start talking to him again as I cant deal with the tension and the children pick up on it.

At the moment I am v low contact with him, not messaging at all through day and avoiding him in evenings. Anyone in similar situation. I cant leave him at the moment but its something I'm considering down the line....

YABU- if he doesnt feel he needs to apologise he shouldn't.
YANBU-its clear he upset you, he needs to at least apologise and quickly

I am sorry you are going through this 😔

I am a FT carer for my DD

@Travelfairy You won’t get all of the house. If he goes and it’s divorce there’s not going to be 100% for you.

We only know your version so hard to say, but yes gping low contact seems best, and no I dont thinl legally the law will hand you the house just because there are children, if i got this idea right

Yes seek legal advice rather than any poster who throws legal opinions such 'take him for everything' type thing it doesn't work that and is unhelpful, which is why they have solicitors or legal avenues for

No i dont think for a second I would. I just meant in short term while waiting to sell the house where could he/I go...

I hear you.
Mine will say the word sorry and says that’s an apology.

I think buying things when he's behaved badly is a narc trait. It puts you in a position of having to thank the person. It's something my dm does when she's been really abusive. No apologies. But aren't you going to thank me for the gift. It wipes the slate clean for someone with no empathy.

Omg this!! He sees it as a fresh slate 100%

I dont even get that. But yeah thats not an apology.

Tried to reason with him this evening. I dont know why I bothered. He maintains he did nothing wrong, he didnt upset me, I created upset to use it against him (like sorry what??).

Starting to think there's actually something wrong with him...his mother has bi polar. I dont know alot about it, she lives in a different country but I dont know if hes 'just' a narc or something more behind it. His behaviour is plain weird at present. He is going away with work on Monday for 5 days and I cant bloody wait!

It is a trait of bi polar to blame the other person and say they need therapy. They can buy things that are irrational and adopt a lot of avoidance tactics when they don’t want to do something. There’s definitely a cross over with being a narcissist too. It’s all about them and they never see their faults or that their behaviour is the issue. It’s always a deflection onto the other person. So they don’t apologise because they are in the right and don’t have empathy with others. They just look after themselves.

OMG, I’ve just joined this site and this is so relatable. Thank you for sharing. I’m always made to feel like it is my fault at first and then when I start to try to explain and defend myself DH says it’s all his fault and he’s in the wrong, but in such a way as to make me feel so bad. There’s no in-between with him, no shared responsibility, no option of both being wrong. It’s a purely black and white view with no possibility for a hint of gray anywhere.