To think my husband is being utterly selfish

[Threethousandtrees]

DH is 10 years older than me, he’s 61 to my 51. We have had a good marriage and I love him. Unfortunately though, recently his health has changed and due to lifestyle (too much social drinking which I’ve warned him would catch up with him) over the years he’s developed diabetes where he’s had to have his big toe amputated and also high blood pressure.

The medication he’s on means he can’t drink, needs to watch what he eats carefully and he’s also developed ED so that part of our life has fallen away.

Im so privately annoyed. Im constantly cooking healthy food, we’ve knocked the weekend takeaways on the head so I don’t get a break, we’ve stopped the weekend shared bottle of wine. I don’t think it’s fair to drink around him so I’ve supported and stayed sober with him. A recent holiday was a bit joyless as he’s quiet and not chatty unless he’s had a few beers. We would go back to the hotel after our evening meal and be in bed reading by 9pm 😩

Im the bigger earner and recently he’s toyed with the idea of reducing his hours to a 4 day week which I was In total agreement with. We can easily afford it and I have told him he can reduce his contribution to the savings account so he’s not out of pocket. At his age and with his health conditions I felt it was a good idea.

Well today he’s decided he doesn’t want to reduce his salary too much so he’ll work a 4 day week but start work at 6am rather than 8am which means he will be getting up at 4.45. So I’ll be disturbed every day at that time when he gets up.

FFS, so I’ve already sacrificed all the nice things in my life due to his health conditions and now I have to be woken up at he crack of dawn every day and go to my busy, manic, highly responsible job so he gets his cake and eats it - not losing any salary and working a 4 day week.

Im sure if the tables were turned and I could see that my husband had completely changed his life for me, enabled me to reduce my hours to make life easier and arrange it so I wasn’t out of pocket I’d be bloody grateful!! I feel so pissed off about the whole situation, I’m young but I feel I have to live like an old woman going forward and for no thanks!

He thinks IBU - I don’t - what do you think?

“Your” bed? Presumably it’s his bed too?

Get rid. Don’t get another partner but shag someone(s) who hasn’t got ED. Why should you live like this when he’s selfish anyway?

What a selfish man - where has he compromised exactly??

stop cooking he can do 50%
I absolutely would not stop my glass of wine occasionally and I would have separate rooms

He has caused this, so he needs to take responsibility and learn some home truths about the impact on you. I would also be honest about the ‘joyless holiday.’

Get him on the weight loss injections, soon be better!

Given his lifestyle choices I wouldn’t be making all the changes you have. If you fancy a drink have one. Same goes for takeaways and if he has to make his own dinner it isn’t the end of the world. He is an adult so make him responsible for himself. If he wakes you when he gets up at the crack of dawn sleep in another room. You can also holiday alone or with friends if he isn’t a great travel companion. He is older than you and has made bad choices. You don’t have to be punished too.

If uni age males can learn to cook so can he

sleep is essential my DH rises very early and he either sleeps elsewhere or we sleep on a different level of the house so he goes down and away to shower/ get ready while I sleep.

absolutely go back to enjoying a cocktail or wine at home or out. there is no reason for you to abstain as you are not diabetic.

Give yourself time to adjust to your new normal of being quieter Maybe flip your trip and start being more physical…hikes/ water sports/ etc on vacation instead of late nights in bars. physical exercise is proven to reduce blood sugar and inflammation. You both will
benefit

solidarity sister my DH is also older

My exh lived a similar lifestyle.. Bottle of red wine or full fat coke and huge amounts of chocolate every night. Became diabetic. When I left him his health declined from his own choices.
Glad I left. Wasn't being nurse to a selfish man..
He was 15 years older than me.
No regrets on leaving.

I had to quit drinking myself for health reasons, and (I mean this really kindly, because I feel your pain) it's worth making the effort to tembrace sobriety, if you are committing to it (whatever your reasons - I know in your case it's to support dh).

It sounds like you are (understandably, as it's been forced on you) only seeing the negative aspects of sobriety, and what you have lost.

Actually, it also opens lots of doors. You can do stuff in the evenings that you maybe couldn't/wouldn't have done when you were drinking - go to the cinema more (DD and I have a pass now, we go all the time and love it!), maybe watch some great series at home and get really absorbed in them; evening walks in the summer, even night classes in something you have always wanted to learn - the sober world can be your oyster! Maybe invest the money you would have spent on wine in something fun and frivolous you will both enjoy!

I would have suggested great sex - sober sex is the best, done properly, but I understand your husband has ED? There is plenty of help available for that, and in my opinion he owes it to you, his loving and supportive wife, to get that sorted. You can't be expected to forgo all of life's pleasures!

Plus, good sex isn't all about his cock - does he do other stuff to please you? Sensual massage maybe - whatever you are in to!

The early mornings - I would, as others have suggested, sleep in another room. It doesn't mean you can't share on the weekends, still have sensual times in bed together etc. But it sounds like your job is very full on - it makes sense to focus on your sleep.

For what it's worth, your husband doesn't sound like a bad man. He sounds like a typical one! (Sorry, forgive me but I think a lot of men, not all of course, can be selfish and near sighted, and highly self-pitying when their health, and therefore their self esteem, takes a big knock).

To me, it does sound like there is real love underneath all these problems, so that's worth working on.

(Of courses if I am wrong and you just don't love him any more, nobody should judge you for walking away - you can leave a prince among men, if you want to (not saying your husband is this, but even if he was) for any reason or none. You only get one life (probably). You have the right to live it in a way that fulfils you.

Sounds to me tou need to find something you both enjoy doing. My husband quit drinking 8 years ago, and it took a lot of adjustment on my side too. We used to ho to the pub loads. Then overnight it stopped.
Eventually, we remembered that actually a huge part of going to the pub was watching live music. So now we go and watch loads of bands in the pub. He's even in one. He doesnt drink, I do. He has found ways to socialise without the drink. Sometimes people get too much for him, and he might disappear off home for a while and return for me later on. Or sometimes he drops me ao I can catch up with friends, then he joins later.

Talking of friends, where.are yours? You dont mention them. I hang out with mine at least once a month, sometimes out, sometimes at each others house.

I'd also sleep separately if being woken at that hour daily. However, I would miss intimacy. Can you find ways to rekindle this? Is he willing to talk about it and consider ways to approach it?

Just like when I was pregnant with the children

So he already did this? Open a bottle and crack on.

Why have you stopped takeaways or having a drink? Just because your husband can't eat/drink certain things, doesn't mean you have to? My dad is a diabetic but we still have sweets and other stuff. Our lifestyle doesn't stop because of it.

I think there is a point in a relationship where there's an age gap of a decade or more, where the difference hits you. I know, because I have been in that situation. I reckon it is about balancing your responsibility to give your partner some care, with also taking care of yourself. So you might go on holiday or for nights out with a friend. And over time your husband might adjust to life without alcohol. It may be that if you can both get beyond feelings of frustration and disappointment, you might also be able to resume some kind of physical intimacy.

Old dogs can learn new tricks - and he can learn to relax and open up without alcohol if he puts his mind to it. He just needs to let go of the familiar crux of alcohol and let go a bit - for the sake of your marriage.

In the meantime, separate beds on his work days and self feeding a few days a per week of your choosing.

Just to add to what others have said - reclaim some of the joy - have a glass or two of wine, get your beauty sleep, and also ED doesn't have to mean end of your sex life - there is more than one way to skin a cat, if you get my drift. Use this as an opportunity to redefine your equation and sex life.

Will he definitely wake you? My DH used to get up a lot earlier than me but he would put everything he needed in a different room so all he had to do was sneak out of bed and it was always pretty easy to go back to sleep.

better yet - get him to sleep in a different room altogether. Everybody wins. And whilst you’re doing that - have a glass of wine and order a pizza. You don’t need to give up everything you like just because he hasn’t been taking care of himself. It’s clearly causing resentment and it’s pointless.

As well as an amputation and feeling very unwell and being diagnosed with a chronic condition, he's stopped drinking. Those can all contribute to a low mood and the flat affect you're describing. The mental factor of facing his mortality is also probably hitting him hard.

I would urge him to be screened for depression. He's had physical and mental stress, major life changes, and surgery as well as stopping alcohol use. Alcohol use can mask depression and they're often linked.

You're hitting the not fun part of an age gap relationship, where the younger partner becomes the caregiver. If he's going to adjust his schedule, you need to change sleeping arrangements so his super early wake times don't disturb your sleep. You're going to have to hit the self care just as hard as you give care. Keep up with physical activity, especially strength training and friends.

If he's going to be working less days, he can take some responsibility for meals and meal prep. He needs to contribute.

Can you have separate bedrooms so you’re not affected?

I know it’s not the point of your post, but are you sure his drinking was to blame? Neither diabetes or hypertension is uncommon in your early 60s, and - although a risk factor - I don’t think alcohol use would usually be the number 1 suspect for either?

I just wonder if it might be helpful for your relationship going forwards to re-assess the blame factor a little, as it doesn’t seem helpful.

Agree you still have a glass of wine when you fancy one though!

You don't like him very much do you op? Tell us what's good about your marriage.

I’m not really sure why you are still married to him. He isn’t bringing any joy to your life currently or potentially.

My father did similar with his work pattern AND expected my mother to get up with him, which she did. Unbelievably selfish of him, but she enabled it so I didn’t have much sympathy. I would make it clear you expect to have your own live and friends.

i can understand why you are angry and resentful.

could you change your hours to work. 4 days a week as well?

if not then if he is set on doing it you will need separate rooms.

you need to keep some of your enjoyment- treat yourself to that glass of wine. Perhaps he could go on a cookery course and then perhaps you can handover some of the cooking to him.

Sounds tough op but I'm not convinced giving up everything is the way forward.

I think you should eat & drink what you want. Of course you could have gone to a lovely bar after your meal. You could have had some drinks & he could have had a non alcoholic beer. There's no need to be sitting there with 2 cokes if thsts not what you want

I'd be having a serious chat with him if I were you

Why can't you go on a cruise? Its potentially the perfect thing - loads of food choices so he can have healthy & you can have what you like. Cocktails by the pool etc

You can only change what is in your control op. I’d take a fresh look at the marriage and start being much more independent and selfish in it, separate bedrooms, have a drink, go out, let him have beans on toast if you don’t feel like making anything he will eat or you’re out. It doesn’t sound like he’s made much effort to look after you, or cared about how much he will need from you. You’ve given a lot to this marriage, don’t listen to people saying you knew what to expect marrying someone 10 years older. My dad is walking the Camino trail for 6 weeks along with lots of other 70 year olds who haven’t thrown away their health. You don’t owe him all this sacrifice and by all this sacrifice I also mean your marriage. You don’t have to stay, something to remember over the next few years as you see whether he can ever not be selfish.

Would you prefer him to continue drinking and eating badly and for the diabetes to get worse? I appreciate it has affected your lifestyle too but I think you’re being a bit unfair. I don’t think you should quit drinking if you don’t want to but I expect him not drinking shines a light on your own habits.