My 1 year old is perfectly normal?

[LivingOnCoffee567]

I have a 13 month old who has just learned how to walk well and is normally very happy. I live overseas and came home, travelled 21 hours with DD, to come see family. Journey was surprisingly smooth. Staying at my parents who are normally lovely. I'm working remotely for 2 weeks then have holiday so I need them to watch her for a few hours a day these 2 weeks. I came at their insistence that they want to spend time with her, that they want to watch her etc etc. They are retired but young (50s) and fit.

It's only been 2 days (arrived Saturday evening) and my parents are on my case calling her a bad baby, me a bad parent, telling me I'm spoiling her, that she lacks discipline and she must have ADHD because:

• she is very high energy and loves walking but doesn't walk where you want her to
• she falls too much and bumps herself a lot (you have to watch her like a hawk)
• she made a mess at lunch, some food ended up on the floor.
• she briefly cries when you (i) put her in the car seat or the pram, (ii) put a tshirt on her (iii) sees something she wants and can't reach
• she wakes up crying at night (she's teething and she's jet lagged)
• she has really bad separation anxiety suddenly. Well, yeah, in my opinion she's travelled long haul, her dad isn't here, she doesn't know my parents, this isn't her house, toys etc. She needs at least a week to settle, I think.

My dad is in a foul mood and actually left the living room last night and refused to spend time with us.

They both said other babies just sit there and play and you can read books to them and feed them in peace and are nice to be around.

I said they're imagining a much older kid. A 1 year old does not have the capacity to sit and play by herself or sit nicely for books on command (she actually loves it when you read to her but they're interrupting her play to force her to sit down and she obviously hates that).

She also wanted to stand in the bath and my mum forced her to sit and all hell broke loose. My baby loves water normally, all water, and after 2 days with my mum she now hates bath time 😡

I'm pretty sure I'm right but does anyone here have a 1 year old that just sits??? Apparently I was a magical toddler who never cried or caused a mess. They've probably forgotten everything. I've had 2 full days of being criticised now and I'm ready to pack my bags.

Your baby sounds perfectly normal for her age. Your parents however do not sound perfectly normal. How rude and unhelpful, especially after you have travelled all that way to spend time with them. I think they have an idealisation in their head and it’s just not realistic. Maybe because you were an only child they’ve just had a limited experience a fair while ago now and forgotten what it’s like. I would have a chat with them and explain that their viewpoint is unrealistic and unhelpful.

I've already given the nanny the time off, it would be very unfair of me to cancel her holiday. Visa takes weeks to arrange anyway.

As to going home....it's two flights, one is 13 hours, it's not an easy thing to just do right now. I'm going to give it the week and see how everyone settles. 2 days is not enough for a 1 year old to get used to things.

I have an excellent relationship with my parents usually, I don't want to blow things up. I think they're in shock and a bit humbled and lashing out at me.

Fair enough - good luck with it and I hope things do settle down.

I meant to say earlier, she absolutely does sound perfectly normal, bless her, and fair play to you doing that journey on your own with a toddler! Not sure I could have managed that one!

That sounds like a nightmare! Yes, your DC is totally normal!

Visiting my in-laws when DS was tiny was quite similar. He was totally freaked out by being in a new place with new people and wanted to be held by me or DH all the time, woke up screaming throughout the night because the bed was different, and totally freaked out of anyone other than us tried to hold him. For a full 2 weeks.

It didn't help at all that my in-laws had very fixed ideas about how a baby should be and how they wanted to interact with him, none of which he liked. Those were long, stressful trips!

They’re in their 50s… as am I with young active teens. Many of my friends are teachers, childminders or work with young children all day.

my DH and I would have no issues with looking after a lively toddler all day, as my PiL did at the same age when they have both of mine for a week every summer.

They sound hypercritical and deluded by the fantasy/distorted memories of what raising their own daughter was like.

@LivingOnCoffee567 I know you are trying to WFT for part of the day, but I wonder whether cutting short the ‘holiday’ and going home/rescheduling a holiday later in the year wouldn’t be easier at this point?

My 18 month old has had to go on an hour of walks a day since she could walk at 11 months.

Some children are naturally active and should be encouraged.

I wouldn’t have entrusted my baby with people she’s not met or had time to adapt to personally. I’d see if you can have annual leave as it’s not fair to her.

Your parents sound like the children should be seen and not heard types.

Yes, your Dd sounds perfectly normal and I think your parents are thinking of a MUCH older child. Sounds like your Dd did amazingly on such a long flight and of course she’ll be a bit out of sorts with a huge jet lag/time difference, her dad not there, and in a new place with people who (even if close family) she doesn’t know.

I hope your parents chill out and realise this. If not, you power through for this trip and know not to do this again.

I can’t remember ever meeting a baby (whether mobile or not) who would just sit and play quietly and not make some mess when eating. Or one who wasn’t likley to cry a bit (or a lot!) under the circumstances you describe … what else are they supposed to do before they can talk?
Maybe there are some like this but surely they’re the exception?

That was exactly how much DD was when she had just turned one. She's two now and has no signs at all of being neurodiverse unlike me. Tell your parents to shut up. You can't possibly know that a 1 year old has adhd.

Sounds like you are doing all the right things OP, some people, old and young, have unrealistic ideas about what small kids are like.

What I really wanted to say tho, was that your comment your parents is legendary!! 😂

As Granny to a 1 year old, I can confirm that your child sounds totally normal and lovely. I would admit thought that a year ago If someone had asked e what 1 year olds are like I would.t have had a clue as it's well over 25 years since I had any regular dealings with any. Your parents need to take in the possibility that it's their memories that are at fault, not your parenting.

Completely normal! They’ve probably built up an idea in their heads of what the visit would be like but perhaps they could adjust their expectations. She’s one and far from home. It definitely sounds like you were extremely easy or they never travelled with you or time has simply turned on the rose-tinted glasses and they’ve forgotten the reality of a very young child. They’re exhausting!

Sounds similar to my situation.

What jumps out at me is the fact that you flew for 21 hours with a 13 month old. I've done this. It's no mean feat, even when everything goes to plan! Do your parents take this into consideration?

What really jumps out at me is that fact that your parents don't expect their routine to change at all. Your dad, taking his ball home, in the kitchen refusing to speak??! Is he the toddler?

At that age children determine absolutely any situation, because they are children. It's not naughtiness, or ADHD, it's infance.

You can't expect to be lounging in the living room quietly with a glass of wine whilst the toddler sits still for hours happily playing. You have to get up off the couch, you have to clean up the mess, and yes you have to expect that your routine is challenged!!

Actually - My ds would just sit there at that age and be nonissue and was silent. He’s autistic. So it’s actually entirely the opposite of what your parents think. I was (rightly) worried because it’s wasn’t “normal” at that age and your DD sounds perfectly delightful and very typical of an small child (not even yet a toddler) out of their routine and environment - actually quite typical of one in their usual routine and environment tbh!

What an unpleasant situation for you. Your DD sounds delightful - and totally normal! Your choices are: 1. Grit your teeth and muddle through 2. Check into a hotel 3. Speak out and tolerate the result. Pros and cons to each. Could you sit down with your parents and discuss these choices with them?

They are misremembering. My mum does this a lot. And also babies are different!
Talk to them before it all blows up..

I swear that there is a type of grandparents (3/4 of ours are in this bucket) who completely forget how to parent once their children are no longer at home. Yes, there are children who just sit there. Frankly, I'd be more concerned if they just sit placidly and don't want to explore/challenge boundaries. Everything your child is doing is absolutely developmentally normal. My parents refuse to watch my children as "they are too fast/don't listen". When my parents fly to visit us, I often feel like I have two extra children (said only half jokingly).

I think they’re being a bit, well a lot, daft. Babies generally have the concentration span of a gnat. They don’t sit still, and who can blame them when there’s a whole world out there for them to explore? If you go out for a walk, and let your baby walk, you get nowhere fast, it’s a well known fact. I don’t understand how people forget that, especially when you see people with their little ones experiencing that every single day of the week.

Of course food is going to go on the floor when she eats. I bought an under highchair mat, to reduce the mess, for when DGS visits. It’s common sense, just like putting a waterproof sheet on a mattress. Babies will cry when they get strapped into a pushchair or car seat, they want to be out and about. I bet she’s not screaming for hours.

It sounds like she’s doing fine to me. I’d be really grouchy if I’d just travelled for 21hrs and was in a different time zone.

Are your parents very difficult generally? What's your relationship normally like?

Op I hear you
I live a flight from my parents and when my kids where little they just had forgotten what babies were like. We both (me and them) had built up expectations how trip would go amd it quite often didnt.

I remember my parents freaking out because we didnt eat dinner until nearly 7 as wanted to out baby down.
Them getting grumpy because babies wouldnt go straight to them and so many more

I remember having crying fits in my room on the phone to dh. My parents were just very set on their ways and couldnt get why baby wouldnt do what they wanted. It did get better as dc got older and could recognise grandparents

"Haha, mum / dad - this is what babies are like. You're a bit young to be getting this forgetful, aren't you?".

Sounds like the baby has more maturity than your father. Sulking in another room, ffs? They're nuts.

Your dd sounds perfectly normal. I wouldnt be happy that I had flown all that way to see them and they are behaving si badly. Can you have a serious conversation warning them to pack it in or you won't be visiting again.

Even if your little one were extremely challenging (and from what you say, I 100% don't think that is the case, but IF she were) they are completely out of line suggesting that she is a 'bad baby' or you are a 'bad parent'.

I do get that we look back with rose tinted glasses.

I do get that they might not have realised looking after a baby when you are in your 50s is a LOT harder than looking after a baby in your 20s / 30s.
I do get that looking after someone else's baby is harder than looking after your own.
I do get they were so excited at the idea of spending time with someone who normally lives so far away is exciting and perhaps blinded them to the reality of it.

BUT I still can't ever imagine calling my dgd a bad baby or my dd a bad parent.

YANBU and they need to take a long hard look at themselves.

It sounds like your parents just don't know what a one year old is like....

Ask your father why he is so abnormal. My DF has always been and remains besotted with the perfection that is his GD and he will remain besotted until the moment he dies.