Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not plan around DHs Shift pattern?

55 replies

ContraversialDo · 30/09/2025 13:11

My DH works in a job that requires him to work two weekends in and two weekends off, long days finishing at either 6.30pm or 7.30pm. In the past six months there have been two opportunities for promotion which would mean one weekend per month. He choose not to apply both times despite having a really good chance at being successful.

I have something coming up this week that if successful I have promised myself a hair make over. My way of rewarding myself. There is only one hair dresser that I would go to and she doesn't usually work weekends. However by some miracle she has offered this Saturday. I snapped her hand off as I have never managed to get a weekend appointment before and it's the closest appointment I can get to the Thing that I am rewarding myself for.

DH is very upset with me because he is off work and thinks I shouldn't book things on his weekends off as we only have two per month that we can spend together.

I think if he was that bothered about spending weekends together he would have applied for the promotion. We do lots of nice dates so not like we don't have quality time together. This weekend all I would be missing is the food shop and the gym. I manage to do the food shop alone all the weeks he is in work so it's not like I am being unreasonable leaving it to him either.

So - YABU - you should plan around DHs shifts and spend time together if his work allows.

YANBU - It's one Saturday, not the end of the world.

I don't want to drip feed so will add, this time my hair will take a long time, maybe 6 hours so most of the day, going forward it will take much less time and I can go for evening appointments. It's not like I am committing to regular Saturdays in the salon.

OP posts:
SalamiSammich · 30/09/2025 13:14

I think if he was that bothered about spending weekends together he would have applied for the promotion

You nailed it. He probably means he doesn't want to "babysit" his kids. Fiver says he takes them to his mums house.

ShesTheAlbatross · 30/09/2025 13:16

SalamiSammich · 30/09/2025 13:14

I think if he was that bothered about spending weekends together he would have applied for the promotion

You nailed it. He probably means he doesn't want to "babysit" his kids. Fiver says he takes them to his mums house.

I agree OP is not being unreasonable at all. But she doesn’t mention children so that may not be a factor in the DH’s attitude.

NellieElephantine · 30/09/2025 13:25

SalamiSammich · 30/09/2025 13:14

I think if he was that bothered about spending weekends together he would have applied for the promotion

You nailed it. He probably means he doesn't want to "babysit" his kids. Fiver says he takes them to his mums house.

What kids?
@ContraversialDo would you be happy with him telling you to change your job to something else?

nowinetimeforme · 30/09/2025 13:28

what was his reason for not going for the promotion? Does he lack confidence? Or did he not want the extra responsibility?

seems a bit OTT for him to object to you making your own plans just because he’s off work.

nomas · 30/09/2025 13:29

He wants you to miss out on something you love in favour of a food shop.

Tell him to do the food shop himself.

nomas · 30/09/2025 13:30

NellieElephantine · 30/09/2025 13:25

What kids?
@ContraversialDo would you be happy with him telling you to change your job to something else?

Show quote history

She hasn’t asked him to change jobs, but he can’t moan when Op has plans on a weekend given he’s working half the weekends each month.

purplecorkheart · 30/09/2025 13:30

It is a one off and not all weekend. He is unreasonable. You do not have to be together 24hours when he is off.

Original poster
ContraversialDo · 30/09/2025 13:33

NellieElephantine · 30/09/2025 13:25

What kids?
@ContraversialDo would you be happy with him telling you to change your job to something else?

Show quote history

I haven't asked him to change jobs, I actually enjoy having two weekends a month to myself.

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 30/09/2025 13:34

I'm not sure what the promotion has to do with this to be fair - if he doesn't want to go further up the corporate ladder then that's completely fine and his choice.

But for him to be cross that you make plans without him on a weekend he is free is unreasonable - of course you shouldn't plan according to his schedule. He could have every weekend off and you'd still be well within your rights to make a hair appointment. You aren't glued to one another when you're both off work.

Original poster
ContraversialDo · 30/09/2025 13:35

nowinetimeforme · 30/09/2025 13:28

what was his reason for not going for the promotion? Does he lack confidence? Or did he not want the extra responsibility?

seems a bit OTT for him to object to you making your own plans just because he’s off work.

I'm not sure, he said the first time round that he wasn't confident enough but then when he saw who got the positions he was kicking himself.

Second time round he 'missed the deadline'.

To be honest he loves the job he does, he is really good at it and financially we are comfortable (I am a higher earner) so he doesn't need to progress career wise unless he wants to.

OP posts:
Original poster
ContraversialDo · 30/09/2025 13:36

No children to factor in, I have children but they are teens/adults so no childcare needed. They do their own thing at the weekends.

OP posts:
Original poster
ContraversialDo · 30/09/2025 13:38

Arlanymor · 30/09/2025 13:34

I'm not sure what the promotion has to do with this to be fair - if he doesn't want to go further up the corporate ladder then that's completely fine and his choice.

But for him to be cross that you make plans without him on a weekend he is free is unreasonable - of course you shouldn't plan according to his schedule. He could have every weekend off and you'd still be well within your rights to make a hair appointment. You aren't glued to one another when you're both off work.

The promotion is a bit of a red herring I agree, I just felt a bit that he isn't bothered about spending weekends apart when it benefits him (choosing to stay in post) so it's a bit rich to complain when it's for my benefit.

OP posts:
Spanador · 30/09/2025 13:38

SalamiSammich · 30/09/2025 13:14

I think if he was that bothered about spending weekends together he would have applied for the promotion

You nailed it. He probably means he doesn't want to "babysit" his kids. Fiver says he takes them to his mums house.

Where have you made up the kids from? None were mentioned at any point in the entire post

nowinetimeforme · 30/09/2025 13:39

ContraversialDo · 30/09/2025 13:35

I'm not sure, he said the first time round that he wasn't confident enough but then when he saw who got the positions he was kicking himself.

Second time round he 'missed the deadline'.

To be honest he loves the job he does, he is really good at it and financially we are comfortable (I am a higher earner) so he doesn't need to progress career wise unless he wants to.

Show quote history

Hmmm - I can see why you are a bit disappointed. You earn more money so he has no pressure to progress but now you’re getting grief for doing something on his day off when he has chosen not to take steps to give you more time together.

Original poster
ContraversialDo · 30/09/2025 18:01

nowinetimeforme · 30/09/2025 13:39

Hmmm - I can see why you are a bit disappointed. You earn more money so he has no pressure to progress but now you’re getting grief for doing something on his day off when he has chosen not to take steps to give you more time together.

Show quote history

its not to do with money, I love my job so it’s not like I earn more so he can relax or anything. We both love what we do, it just happens that mine is better paid.

I just didn’t see it as a big deal, a bit disappointing maybe but it’s a one off.

OP posts:
Treeseys · 30/09/2025 18:06

Yanbu.
He sounds very controlling, on his terms.
Get your hair done.

SalamiSammich · 30/09/2025 18:08

Spanador · 30/09/2025 13:38

Where have you made up the kids from? None were mentioned at any point in the entire post

Show quote history

My assumption, because surely an adult man is not bitching and whining about not having 3 hours with his wife while she goes to the salon? Surely??

Because that's the whingiest, clingiest, most pathetic thing i've ever heard.

outerspacepotato · 30/09/2025 18:25

If he wanted to spend more weekends with you, he'd apply for jobs that had him working less weekends.

I think he's being extremely unreasonable and controlling, that he doesn't want you doing something special for yourself on a weekend because he wants to be stuck to you like a burr. Ew.

Go get your hair done and he can suck it up.

latetothefisting · 30/09/2025 18:31

if the hair makeover is only going to be a reward if 'the Thing' (mysterious!) this week is successful, does that mean you are going to cancel the appt last minute if it isn't? As that seems like a bit unfair on the hairdresser, given a Sat morning slot is clearly the most popular one for her.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/09/2025 18:59

Yeah he’s being a bit ridiculous. You don’t have to sit about waiting for his weekends off - hes not the small child that you have no longer got!

Original poster
ContraversialDo · 30/09/2025 19:04

latetothefisting · 30/09/2025 18:31

if the hair makeover is only going to be a reward if 'the Thing' (mysterious!) this week is successful, does that mean you are going to cancel the appt last minute if it isn't? As that seems like a bit unfair on the hairdresser, given a Sat morning slot is clearly the most popular one for her.

If “The Thing” is unsuccessful I will still get my hair done to cheer myself up… because I will be absolutely gutted. I am fairly confident that “The Thing” will be successful though. Manifest it!

I would never cancel last minute, that’s her days wages as she only sees one client at a time, she is fully focused on you the whole time and honestly she is a miracle worker. I wouldn’t dare piss her off 😬

OP posts:
Original poster
ContraversialDo · 30/09/2025 19:06

Thanks - seems I am not being unreasonable. I questioned myself after he gave me the cold shoulder last night and stropped about a bit.

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 30/09/2025 19:24

ContraversialDo · 30/09/2025 19:06

Thanks - seems I am not being unreasonable. I questioned myself after he gave me the cold shoulder last night and stropped about a bit.

Your off time is supposed to be all about him! Did you lose the memo?

Cold shoulder and tantrum over a hair appointment? He's really showing his controlling side.

So what are his weekend plans that you're disrupting by dating to get your hair done?

latetothefisting · 30/09/2025 22:02

Good luck with The Thing, then!

Trip to Tesco AND incurring the wrath of a decent hairdresser, he's really not selling these weekend plans, is he! At least up the ante and organise something decent if spending quality time together is so important to him.

Original poster
ContraversialDo · 01/10/2025 07:15

Thanks - The Thing is exam results. I am studying to be a chartered accountant and for the big exam at each level you are given a company that you work for and you have to get to know this company for weeks and then on exam day the exam is based around finance descions for that company. This time round the scenario company was a hairdressing chain so getting my hair done seems fitting when I pass (manifesting).

I got lucky really, other years the company has been a bread company and a loaf of thick white just doesn’t seem as celebratory…..

OP posts: