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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not plan around DHs Shift pattern?

55 replies

ContraversialDo · 30/09/2025 13:11

My DH works in a job that requires him to work two weekends in and two weekends off, long days finishing at either 6.30pm or 7.30pm. In the past six months there have been two opportunities for promotion which would mean one weekend per month. He choose not to apply both times despite having a really good chance at being successful.

I have something coming up this week that if successful I have promised myself a hair make over. My way of rewarding myself. There is only one hair dresser that I would go to and she doesn't usually work weekends. However by some miracle she has offered this Saturday. I snapped her hand off as I have never managed to get a weekend appointment before and it's the closest appointment I can get to the Thing that I am rewarding myself for.

DH is very upset with me because he is off work and thinks I shouldn't book things on his weekends off as we only have two per month that we can spend together.

I think if he was that bothered about spending weekends together he would have applied for the promotion. We do lots of nice dates so not like we don't have quality time together. This weekend all I would be missing is the food shop and the gym. I manage to do the food shop alone all the weeks he is in work so it's not like I am being unreasonable leaving it to him either.

So - YABU - you should plan around DHs shifts and spend time together if his work allows.

YANBU - It's one Saturday, not the end of the world.

I don't want to drip feed so will add, this time my hair will take a long time, maybe 6 hours so most of the day, going forward it will take much less time and I can go for evening appointments. It's not like I am committing to regular Saturdays in the salon.

OP posts:
LeopardPrince · 01/10/2025 07:18

Regardless of anything, you are allowed a six hour hair appt if you can afford it! Don’t let him guilt you into rejecting this. Even if it wasn’t a ‘reward’’ etc you can get your hair done.

dollyblue01 · 01/10/2025 07:18

Go get your hair done , am sure he can occupy himself , tell him he can take you out later that night with your gorgeous hair done , win, win.

hididdlyho · 01/10/2025 10:33

Sounds rubbish and a bit pathetic of him, as presumably you'll have the evening free to spend together. You could go out for dinner to celebrate your work thing, although it would be nice of him to suggest it rather being upset at you! Is he trying to avoid having to do the food shop on his own do you think?

Treeseys · 01/10/2025 10:39

OP, best of luck.
I would be concerned about your boundaries though, for a clever woman.
His sulking and stropping is awful.
Really pathetic and absolutely controlling.
That is not a healthy relationship.

Perhaps you need to take a hard look at this man who is coasting on your coattails and sulking.

His trying to control you and punish is absolutely abusive behaviour.

Beware of the "boiled frog analogy", where you accept increasingly poor behaviour.

Good men do not behave like this.
Pricks do.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 01/10/2025 10:55

Treeseys · 01/10/2025 10:39

OP, best of luck.
I would be concerned about your boundaries though, for a clever woman.
His sulking and stropping is awful.
Really pathetic and absolutely controlling.
That is not a healthy relationship.

Perhaps you need to take a hard look at this man who is coasting on your coattails and sulking.

His trying to control you and punish is absolutely abusive behaviour.

Beware of the "boiled frog analogy", where you accept increasingly poor behaviour.

Good men do not behave like this.
Pricks do.

This.

Rather than being pleased for you that you've done well on your exam and are being rewarded for it in a nice way, he's being a dick. You should call him out on it and tell him to stop sulking when he actively doesn't take steps to have a better balance of weekends off himself.

Lollypop701 · 01/10/2025 12:12

So dh works and you do life admin and when he doesn’t work he spends time with you and shares life admin work.

He sulks if he has to spend time in his own, as punishment for you not putting him first (with the underlying guilt trip of him saying it’s because he wants to be with you op)

however, He doesn’t actively seek to spend more time with you, and gets no ‘punishment’ as you are happy to support him enjoying his life? And you are posting on MN to see if yabu?

Get the haircut and tell him that life doesn’t revolve around him… and you expect him to be happy for you and celebrate your wins in life… and what he should have done is tell you to go, enjoy the revamp and he’d take you out for dinner with champagne with your new haircut to celebrate a little more!

Original poster
ContraversialDo · 01/10/2025 12:55

I really appreciate the way you have all reframed this for me. I am smashing through these exams and it SHOULD be celebrated.

I was genuinely questioning myself that I should ring fence these weekends when he is off and maybe I wasn't valuing our marriage enough. That most women would love a husband that wanted to spend time with them. Nice to have that validation that I am not out of line.

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 01/10/2025 13:06

If you were booking things every weekend he is off then he may have a point but it's one Saturday? A literal one off.

ToadRage · 01/10/2025 13:17

I used to work in a job which included every other weekend but i worked hard and my husband would never begrudge me booking something nice for myself on my weekend off because 'I could have spent it with him'. Tbh your husband sounds very selfish. As long as at least part of your activities are loosely based around his hours, i don't see the problem with once in while doing your own things, i feel my husband and i have good mix of things we do together and things we don't, no one really wants to live in each others pocket and we live together so not a day goes by where we don't see each other.

FourLittleDucklings · 01/10/2025 13:22

He could take you out in the evening to celebrate your success, and flaunt your gorgeous new hair - sounds like a great date night! Make amends from him being a knob!

Caroparo52 · 01/10/2025 15:31

Do the food shop online. Boom.

Treeseys · 01/10/2025 15:40

Delighted to read the exams are going well.
I fail to see the point of controlling, sulky, stroppy men who are unable to support their partners success.

You don't have children with him, are the main bread winner for a man who is a career coaster?

He sounds deeply pathetic, unattractive and the type of man child that never would have coped with children anyway.

Too narcissistic and self involved.
Have a rethink about him.
Also his is not behaviour I would want my children around at all.

He is not a good role model for children.
Happy to reap the benefits of your success on his terms?

Manchild syndrome.

Original poster
ContraversialDo · 01/10/2025 17:35

Caroparo52 · 01/10/2025 15:31

Do the food shop online. Boom.

I always used to get an online shop but he likes Aldi and to choose things himself so somehow we ended up doing that at some point.

I do feel the need to stick up for him a little bit though, he is really good at his job and he does lots of overtime so he isn’t short on cash.

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 01/10/2025 18:22

ContraversialDo · 01/10/2025 17:35

I always used to get an online shop but he likes Aldi and to choose things himself so somehow we ended up doing that at some point.

I do feel the need to stick up for him a little bit though, he is really good at his job and he does lots of overtime so he isn’t short on cash.

Show quote history

But he needs to put you first sometimes too… it’s not about money as you have that. It’s about time and him actively celebrating your wins in and your achievements.. in your relationship time is important and he’s monopolising it

Laurmolonlabe · 01/10/2025 23:09

There is a lot more to a promotion than how many weekends you work- you need to talk to him about why he didn't go for the promotion.
I can understand why he might be upset you are using time he sees as shared time to have your hair done.
You definitely need to talk far more, talk about what you expect and what he expects- otherwise you will have many of these incidents.

Original poster
ContraversialDo · 04/10/2025 17:23

Well I passed the exam and I had my hair appointment 💇‍♀️ here’s a before and after and I am off to name change back to my less outing username!

AIBU to not plan around DHs Shift pattern?
AIBU to not plan around DHs Shift pattern?
AIBU to not plan around DHs Shift pattern?
OP posts:
Mmmkaay · 04/10/2025 17:26

So worth it!!

Daisy12Maisie · 04/10/2025 17:32

I have chosen not to apply for a promotion coming up because it would literally push me over the edge. So it depends what his job is and whether the promotion process is as savage as mine is regarding that.

In terms of you keeping 2 weekends free to fit around him I think that is totally unreasonable! Also if you are out all day getting your hair done then it would be a perfect night for a date night that evening when you are looking lovely and feeling confident so he could take you out for a meal and spend time with you or if finances don’t allow then cook a meal at home. He can’t expect you to keep 2 whole weekends free a month to fit around him. There needs to be some give and take.

Daisy12Maisie · 04/10/2025 17:33

I have just seen the pic. The hair looks lovely.

bathroomadviceneeded · 04/10/2025 17:38

Wow, gorgeous hair!!

Indicateyourintentions · 04/10/2025 17:48

Congratulations on passing your exam and your new hairdo is very smart.

INeedAnotherName · 04/10/2025 18:00

Congratulations on passing YOUR exam and keeping YOUR appointment (looks lovely!). But please start opening your eyes regarding your DH.

I always used to get an online shop but he likes Aldi and to choose things himself so somehow we ended up doing that at some point.
HE likes Aldi. HE likes choosing items HIMSELF. HE decides you have to be together when HE has free time. HE chooses to works two weekends without thinking about you/as a couple, and finally HE gets upset when you make plans without him. Start looking after yourself more and if he kicks off because you aren't putting him forward and centre then maybe, just maybe, he isn't a kind, loving or supportive partner. Worth watching OP.

liveforsummer · 04/10/2025 21:02

YADNBU and your hair looks really lovely. I do wonder why it took 6 hours though?!

Treeseys · 05/10/2025 01:10

Congratulations on your exams.
Your hair looks fabulous.

Original poster
ContraversialDo · 05/10/2025 09:39

liveforsummer · 04/10/2025 21:02

YADNBU and your hair looks really lovely. I do wonder why it took 6 hours though?!

It takes absolutely ages to get the foils in, she foils tiny sections and she used like 20 vol bleach to lift it slowly to get the best result whilst not compromising the condition of the hair.

There were all kinds of drown dyes on it to start with.

OP posts: